Empyrea Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 He is not stressed out or closed off. He skipped this anniversary dinner because he was tired and told her to shut up about it. Last time he skipped their dinner because he had a poker night. Well, technically it could be either or. Or possibly a little bit of both. The poker game I could let slip, everyone is allowed to mess up a few times and if he really did forget then that's an honest mistake to make, as long as it doesn't become a pattern. Skipping your anniversary dinner is a bigger deal, though. Because you're tired?? It's either an excuse or... well, no, it's definitely an excuse, but it could be an excuse for several things: 1) He's not invested in the relationship anymore. Moving in together seemed like too big of a step, he's freaking out, questioning the relationship and slowly fading out. Confront him. And hopefully dump him before he gets the chance. 2) He's stressed/going through something and is shutting her out, because he's bad at communicating. Maybe it's also the anniversary of his dad dying. Confront him, try to teach him how to be more expressive, hope for the best. 3) He's a selfish jerk who doesn't know how to take other people's needs and feelings into account, or is lacking motivation to do so. Dump hiiiiim. In any case, OP should have more insight into which scenario seems more likely, because it should also be apparent in other things he's doing. Like is he still attentive in other ways? Or has he never been? Etc. But definitely talk to him. And keep us posted! 2
kendahke Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Has anyone addressed this yet? I did. The timing of his flaking on you coinciding with the two of you about to move in together is very concerning. I agree. There is something about the reality of the "one year anniversary" that seems to have put him off, for whatever reason. I just don't see how someone you've spent a year with all of a sudden runs scared. I could see this going down 3-6 months in, but I'd have thought that by one year's time, he'd have had a level of comfort with OP that he'd reveal to her any apprehension or misgivings he may have for combining their lives so they both can talk this through. 2
Redhead14 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 I've said this here many times before and in this case, it would be especially appropriate -- when someone tells me they need space, I become NASA and they can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is and when/if they realize they have another one. 2
Disconnect Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) 'Tired' is not an acceptable excuse, unless he's a Dr or something that just worked a 20 hour shift. Or else, just take a shower and have a coffee, FGS. Doing the fade-out at the same time as the 1 year anniversary, seems an obvious pause for thought, not a good sign... OP, you need to ask him straight what is really going on. And tell him the way he acted totally wasn't OK. In person, no more texting. Edited October 5, 2015 by Disconnect Typo 2
Stage5Clinger Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Thanks again for all the replies. I've still not heard from him. To be honest I don't actually know how I'm going to fix this. Should I ignore him if he sends me a text disregarding last night (hoping I've forgotten), or if he sends a "how are you today?" Text, should I reply then? I've never had to do this before so I'm cut up massively. I'm so confused as well. For weeks (even months!) things have been amazing. He's been saying how excited he is to move in, can't wait to spend his life with me, and countless sayings of "I love you so much". We are even travelling 350 miles on the 21st October for me to go and visit his elderly grandparents for 4 days!!!! He keeps saying he can't wait to introduce me etc. So I'm MEGA confused. I feel like maybe you are his number two in picks for mates and his number one is giving him the run-around. When number one says no thanks he comes back to his number two (yourself) but when his number one hints at being interested he blows off his number two (like he did the other night). I don't mean to implant this idea if you aren't already considering it but I have a feeling there is another person in his life that he hasn't told you about. You should really dig into this for an explanation before you move any further along in this relationship. Don't let him wait until he's moved in and you're knocked up to explain about the "other woman" in his life that he is "so sorry he didn't tell you about because it was never the right time."
Redhead14 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 If he texts you, you say that you would prefer to talk with him on the phone or in person and let him call you. And, if/when he does, you calmly tell him that you were very disappointed and confused about him not showing up for dinner as planned Period. And, then let him talk. If he is not forthcoming or does not open up more about what was going on with him, you tell him that it was unacceptable to you to be blown off like that without a heads up, when you both had been excited about the evening and now you need to re-evaluate things for yourself as to whether or not you want to continue the relationship. Since he is not "participating" in the decision process by contributing his side of things, you will make a unilateral decision. Frankly, if he had called you himself earlier in the day and said "hey, I'm super tired today because _______, can we reschedule for tomorrow or X day?, I might be more "forgiving". But the fact that you went to all that trouble and then had to call him to say "hey, where are you?", he's got some 'splainin" to do. 2
Fletch Lives Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 I'm so sorry he stood you up on your anniversary........ I understand being tired, but would it really have been so hard for him to go over to your place and let you serve dinner? - I mean, it's not like he's the one cooking and doing the work. I would not have done that in an established relationship. Sometimes guys can be idiots and unromantic. 1
losangelena Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 If he texts you, you say that you would prefer to talk with him on the phone or in person and let him call you. And, if/when he does, you calmly tell him that you were very disappointed and confused about him not showing up for dinner as planned Period. And, then let him talk. If he is not forthcoming or does not open up more about what was going on with him, you tell him that it was unacceptable to you to be blown off like that without a heads up, when you both had been excited about the evening and now you need to re-evaluate things for yourself as to whether or not you want to continue the relationship. Since he is not "participating" in the decision process by contributing his side of things, you will make a unilateral decision. Frankly, if he had called you himself earlier in the day and said "hey, I'm super tired today because _______, can we reschedule for tomorrow or X day?, I might be more "forgiving". But the fact that you went to all that trouble and then had to call him to say "hey, where are you?", he's got some 'splainin" to do. He did text her! And I totally agree with this advice.
Redhead14 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 He did text her! And I totally agree with this advice. Yeah, text after a blow off like that is BS. He owes her that much. And, since this isn't the first time apparently, it's time to draw a line. She tolerated it once. The second time there has to be consequences or a more serious demonstration of what she will tolerate. Or else, he will do this over and over again. She needs to make her boundaries known.
MissBee Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) There's a book called Men Who Can't Love about recognizing the commitmentphobic man before your heart gets broken. Your story reminded me of an experience I had and so many of the case examples in the book. Essentially, some men (and women) are afraid of commitment to varying degrees and the degree to which they are affects their behavior in relationships. Sometimes people think commitmentphobia means the person will avoid relationships altogether when in fact they get into relationships all the time but one of the tell tale signs is that in most cases they back off or break it off and disappear OUT OF THE BLUE when things are actually going well! That's the confusing part, it's not usually after a fight or when things are going badly. The commitmentphobe panics when things are actually going well and when they feel they have to increase their level of commitment. They truly start to feel trapped and like the walls are closing in and like they need to break free. Many women had stories of the man all of a sudden asking for space or breaking up on an anniversary, before moving in, on the wedding day, after their first baby... Basically different relationship milestones that signaled more commitment. It was devastating and confusing for them because one minute the guy was in love, asking to marry them, move in with them or other serious things then the next he says he needs space or its over. A situation like that brought me to LS and I couldn't understand it and no one else had any real insight that made sense to me. I read this book and I was like OMG how does the author know my ex???? And then I realized this happens to others not just me when they're dealing with a guy who might be commitmentphobic. Your bf's behavior may have some other excuse but it immediately jumped out at me as the commitmentphobic pattern: all is well, I love you and want to move in, a milestone happens, like one year anniversary and out of nowhere they push you away and behave inconsiderate and out of character and need space and you're left totally confused. If you have a Kindle or tablet I'd buy the book and check it out and see if you can relate as it may be that you're dealing with that and to be forewarned is to be forearmed! Edited October 5, 2015 by MissBee 5
GunslingerRoland Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 It doesn't sound good... did he know that you were making a big dinner? I get the sense he didn't even think you'd started doing anything yet, and could just leave it until the next day... maybe you two had totally different ideas about the importance of the dinner. But I don't know how he acts normally, but he seems from his texts like he doesn't give much of a ****. Maybe he should have been offering to make you dinner to make it up to you if he really felt bad.
craw Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 I can't believe there's three pages worth of crap in this thread. Why are you torturing yourself over a guy who clearly doesn't value you and ACKNOWLEDGES this and keeps repeating the same action over and over again? Break up with him already, he's not going to change. It's only been a year - you're not pregnant, you're not married, you're not even considered common law. 4
Mrlonelyone Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 My dad bought my mom a beautiful diamond braclet for her birthday one year ...and then asked her for a divorce two weeks later. After 20 years of marriage! So would you pls stop with, oh he bought her a nice gift, so obviously he loves her, bull crap. Giving gifts means jack shyt if not followed up with loving actions. And his actions here were far from loving. That's right. Loving actions mean more than gifts, ceremonies, heck they could even mean more than sex (Since sex =/= love). The hard work of loving someone is all that matters. The fun and easy parts , the rote rituals, are the easy and cheap parts. 2
Mrlonelyone Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 I did. I agree. There is something about the reality of the "one year anniversary" that seems to have put him off, for whatever reason. I just don't see how someone you've spent a year with all of a sudden runs scared. I could see this going down 3-6 months in, but I'd have thought that by one year's time, he'd have had a level of comfort with OP that he'd reveal to her any apprehension or misgivings he may have for combining their lives so they both can talk this through. I have had crap like this happen. You see what you say should happen is what a person who has the emotional maturity to handle a failed relationship well would do. Many people do not like confrontations. It's just easier to take flight than to "fight". So rather than saying up front: I think we are moving too fast, I want to be with you but can we please slow down a bit... he just abandons. OP I am going to Psychoanalyse you so take it worth a grain of salt. You have an anxious attachment style. I am a big fan of love languages, the triangular theory of love and attachment theory. Attachment theory says what your issue is. It goes back to childhood. You had a care giver who did not give you a real sense of security, so you seek someone like that care giver. Then get the same treatment from them. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults There are three kinds of attachment styles, secure, anxious, and dismissive. The secure attachment style comes from being made to feel secure as a baby and a child, and it can come from experiencing secure relationships where even if it ends the other person does not betray you or anything. The anxious attachment style comes from being made to feel like you could not really depend on your caregivers as a baby. The result is as an adult you seek partners like your least attentive parent. An impulse to seek someone like your parents backfires and you get hurt again and again. Also even if you are secure being screwed over in enough relationships can make one anxious. You fear being left for no reason and put up with BS. The dismissive style are people who are dismissive towards potential partners. Their parents were dismissive and so were they. Your boyfriend may not be dismissive but he certainly did dismiss you and your dinner. So you are an anxious person who seeks out people who will treat you badly again and again. Your best bet, if this does not work out, is to find someone who is unlike your past partner or parents. 2
Art_Critic Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Is he having some sort of joke!? Genie, have you thought about maybe he is seeing someone else ? There are an awful lot of forgotten meetups for a one year relationship unless he is up to no good 1
Maxtor Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Maybe its just me, but even if I'm tired, I go to see my loved on, even if its 10 minutes. I wouldnt miss the 1 year anniversary for anything. Normally I sleep 2 to 3 hours, I would go for sure. 1
xUnknown Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 Do you know what his plans were in the days leading up to this? Did he perhaps cheat? I hate to bring it up, but usually the line "I need space" means either they did and feel guilty and want to break up, or, because they're considering it and interested in someone else. Anxiously awaiting an update... Hope all is going better!
Recommended Posts