Based on these messages is it over?

[StocksnBlondes]

Can you elaborate on the temperament thing? He's also very calm too and he said he likes that about me- but ....I'd like to hear your perspective.

 

Yes I am not an over the top react to everything type if girl. I have read many books like the 4 agreements, the power of now and the power of positive thinking and they have literally changed my life!

 

For example in the 4 agreements it states don't take things personally. Everyones reaction towards you is a state if what THEY are feeling, not about you. Of course it elaborates within a whole chapter but it helped so much. Also, the agreement "Don't make assumptions" bc you never know what's going on with another persons perspective so feel comfortable enough with yourself to ask if you are confused. I'm not all the way there but I'm getting there. Life changing.

 

Firstly ...Props on all the reading and actually incorporating what you've learned into your life/relationships ...you totally shine through on this in my observation.

 

Ok as far as temperament ...people of calm character don't have to go into "hiding" and escape to de-stress thousands of miles away over something as a blow up at work. I understand things happen and processing time is necessary ...but I'd seriously worry about a potential partner's handling of this incident. I've a lifetime of experience under my belt so this opinion comes from many trials and tribulations ....but as future partners and potentially becoming parents and assisting aging parents and a life of lots of stuff thrust upon you etc etc etc ...you guys have a lot coming down the pike. If this guy is going to go into hiding and run away every time something mildly blows up ...it will be YOU left holding the bags (ok this analogy really works considering he likes holding your bags). From time to time EACH of us may be called upon to be the strong one in the relationship as things happen (it's called "having someone's back") but if he's a "runner" you'll want to consider that in your vetting process.

 

FWIW ...I think this guy really likes you and is into you.

Edited October 8, 2015 by StocksnBlondes

[LoveLady]

Firstly ...Props on all the reading and actually incorporating what you've learned into your life/relationships ...you totally shine through on this in my observation.

 

Ok as far as temperament ...people of calm character don't have to go into "hiding" and escape to de-stress thousands of miles away over something as a blow up at work. I understand things happen and processing time is necessary ...but I'd seriously worry about a potential partner's handling of this incident. I've a lifetime of experience under my belt so this opinion comes from many trials and tribulations ....but as future partners and potentially becoming parents and assisting aging parents and a life of lots of stuff thrust upon you etc etc etc ...you guys have a lot coming down the pike. If this guy is going to go into hiding and run away every time something mildly blows up ...it will be YOU left holding the bags (ok this analogy really works considering he likes holding your bags). From time to time EACH of us may be called upon to be the strong one in the relationship as things happen (it's called "having someone's back") but if he's a "runner" you'll want to consider that in your vetting process.

 

FWIW ...I think this guy really likes you and is into you.

 

I definitely agree that that is something I should keep in mind. He spoke a little more last night saying that being away from home, the culture shock (crowds n traffic, busy lifestyle paying 6 xs more for rent lol) and missing fam all just started to take a toll. I was in his same exact shoes in this situation also that's why I'm so understanding.

 

When I was having work issues with my last job. I felt exactly the same. I felt alone and sort of trapped. We are both from small towns and moved for more "exciting" life but yes it does take a toll on you. I remember not getting out of bed for work WITHOUT even calling off bc I just couldn't take it all in!! I'm lucky I didn't get fired!! But that's how I was. So I do understand where he's coming from with that as well. I have been here 5 years longer than him and have adjusted to it all. I think the fact that I understand so much of what he's going through can actually help if anything comes of this.

[StocksnBlondes]

I definitely agree that that is something I should keep in mind. He spoke a little more last night saying that being away from home, the culture shock (crowds n traffic, busy lifestyle paying 6 xs more for rent lol) and missing fam all just started to take a toll. I was in his same exact shoes in this situation also that's why I'm so understanding.

 

When I was having work issues with my last job. I felt exactly the same. I felt alone and sort of trapped. We are both from small towns and moved for more "exciting" life but yes it does take a toll on you. I remember not getting out of bed for work WITHOUT even calling off bc I just couldn't take it all in!! I'm lucky I didn't get fired!! But that's how I was. So I do understand where he's coming from with that as well. I have been here 5 years longer than him and have adjusted to it all. I think the fact that I understand so much of what he's going through can actually help if anything comes of this.

 

Got it and understandable ... Growing up in one of the largest cities I would have let this work issue slide with simply discussing it with my dad or a good friend and processing but we all have different resources based on our upbringing ... Really great of you to recognize this and I'll bet he thinks you're the bees knees for handling it like you did and being able to be a shoulder for him. Just know in the future too much calamity may trigger this hiding behavior ...when he's emotionally overwhelmed ...and if he doesn't grow ...well your shoulder will become overwhelmed.

 

Some people like this could turn to substance abuse if they find they can't physically retreat or choose to stay ...like when you have small children or if a spouse would get very ill. Look for staying power ...and emotional stability. Most of us exhibit various levels of calm under the best of circumstances ...that's why it's good to experience some trials and tribulations with each other before deciding if someone is good for the long haul.

 

This guy had an epic fail this time but he caught himself early ...isn't in denial ...knows from whence it comes ...and as long as he truly sees his pattern and takes measures to grow ...he sounds like a keeper.

Edited October 8, 2015 by StocksnBlondes

[StocksnBlondes]

If any guys are reading this thread ...please look for gals / ladies /women who exhibit the qualities like those of the OP on this thread. Breath of fresh air.

[LoveLady]

If any guys are reading this thread ...please look for gals / ladies /women who exhibit the qualities like those of the OP on this thread. Breath of fresh air.

 

 

Awww thanks so much!! <3

[fitnessfan365]

Well...with respect to ff, he has a tendency to project his own experiences, and how HE personally behaves and interacts with women on to other men.

 

I will admit, in some threads where a guy posts, I will base my opinion on my own experiences with women in regards to advice, etc..

 

But the OP is a woman and was asking for advice/opinions on this guy's behavior. So I was simply offering an objective opinion. I mean if the guy refuses to communicate, closes himself off emotionally, and leaves her hanging for weeks at a time, that is not a guy that is ready to be in a long term relationship. He is obviously carrying around baggage from his last GF and it's effecting how he interacts w/the OP. He needs to deal w/these issues before he'll be successful in dating, and until he does, the OP is just going to be a casualty in his rebound.

[katiegrl]

I will admit, in some threads where a guy posts, I will base my opinion on my own experiences with women in regards to advice, etc..

 

But the OP is a woman and was asking for advice/opinions on this guy's behavior. So I was simply offering an objective opinion. I mean if the guy refuses to communicate, closes himself off emotionally, and leaves her hanging for weeks at a time, that is not a guy that is ready to be in a long term relationship. He is obviously carrying around baggage from his last GF and it's effecting how he interacts w/the OP. He needs to deal w/these issues before he'll be successful in dating, and until he does, the OP is just going to be a casualty in his rebound.

 

 

Was wondering when you were gonna chime in....

 

 

Anyhoo, I shared your same POV about that til I read the updates.

 

 

It appears he is doing some major thinking while away, and has realized a few things, which is good.

 

 

All LoveLady is doing is agreeing to dinner, and keeping an open mind as to what he has to say....which I think is fair.

[todreaminblue]

Haha yea I just re posted my story I'm not sure why you aren't allowed to edit your posts on here. So weird.

 

Anyway, He said he doesn't want to talk about it any further after he gave the info he gave me let me know he's not getting fired.

 

 

when another poster posts a post to your opening post makes the opening post unable to be edited....the editing feature is also disabled after a certain amount of time has passed, replies or not........

 

as far as your guy friend goes all i think you can do is let him know you are there for him......if it were me and i am probably going to differ from most on here.......if my feelings were strong enough for the guy ...i would wait for him to decide.......what is curious is it seems him losing his job is not an issue anymore......but maybe.....he has extreme anxiety about his place and the security of his job.....some people cant concentrate or multitask a relationship and a stressful job successfully.....can only concentrate or prefer to focus on one thing at a time.....i am like this....when i juggle more than two or three stress balls at once...i drop both or all of them......burn out.....hide out in my room ...i also suffer from depression when i fail at anything......makes me more likely to hide out till i feel stronger and more capable

 

my advice is let the guy know you are there for him as a friend if he wants you to be,and only if you have strong feelings for him....more than just like, for example, which i noticed you wrote "you really like" him......give it some time and space to morph into what will be.....who knows what that is......but whatever it becomes, might just be worth the wait.....good luck....deb...........

[fitnessfan365]

Was wondering when you were gonna chime in....

 

 

Anyhoo, I shared your same POV about that til I read the updates.

 

 

It appears he is doing some major thinking while away, and has realized a few things, which is good.

 

 

All LoveLady is doing is agreeing to dinner, and keeping an open mind as to what he has to say....which I think is fair.

 

I think the main reason why I am skeptical is because it's hard to imagine that three months worth of inconsistency and bad communication will be fixed w/one dinner. I think that if he acted the same way for months, he's shown the OP a pretty clear indicator of what he's like.

[katiegrl]

I think the main reason why I am skeptical is because it's hard to imagine that three months worth of inconsistency and bad communication will be fixed w/one dinner. I think that if he acted the same way for months, he's shown the OP a pretty clear indicator of what he's like.

 

If that were the case (three months of inconsistency) I would be inclined to agree with you.

 

 

However, that is not the case. LL said in her original post that, up until a couple of weeks ago, he had been an awesome and very attentive boyfriend.

 

 

>>"I have been dating a guy for 3 months. He's 32 and has been a breathe of fresh air from the Peter Pan's (the guys who continue to act like frat boys even though they're in their mid 30s) I have recently dated. So this guy has been doing everything right, treats me so sweet, wants to hang out all the time, takes me to even lunches that cost about $100 even though I'm low maintenance and when I offer to pay (and mean it) he won't let me. When I would stay the weekend with him and go to leave on Sunday he would still want me to stay, even offering to buy me new clothes for work the next day. And when I stayed we didn't even have sex so it wasn't for that. He carries my bags/purse for me in public even though i never ask and tell him its ok (bc people are staring at him haha) but he's just the best guy. I like him a lot.

 

 

So a few weeks ago he started having work problems to the point where he said he's afraid he might lose his job."<<

 

-----

 

I think she owes it to HERSELF to hear him out. No one is suggesting everything can be fixed over one dinner, however he has been away for awhile... thinking, re-assessing, introspecting..... hence his email to her saying that he's been talking with family, and realizes that everything she had been saying was "within reason."

 

 

Then she gets the flowers, the card and the dinner invite.

 

 

I interpret that as meaning he acknowledges he has issues and is working on taking steps to resolve them.

 

 

Whether he can or not is anyone's guess, but I think it's worth it for her to hear him out....at the very least.

 

 

LL said she'd keep an open mind and would be fine however this plays out.

 

 

Again, I think that's fair.

[Gaeta]

 

However, that is not the case. LL said in her original post that, up until a couple of weeks ago, he had been an awesome and very attentive boyfriend.

 

Lets look at that time frame.

 

They started seeing each other 3 months ago = 12 weeks.

 

When problem started he was on and off with communication for 2 weeks.

 

Then she says something about not talking to him for a whole week after that.

 

Then he goes away in his family. I don't know for how long he's been there but lets put it at 1 week.

 

The problem started 1 month ago and the relationship is 3 months.

 

That's 30% of their relationship.

 

The real assessment would be to say they dated for 2 months because that 2 weeks of him being flaky + 1 week of no communication + him being gone, that's not dating.

[katiegrl]

Lets look at that time frame.

 

They started seeing each other 3 months ago = 12 weeks.

 

When problem started he was on and off with communication for 2 weeks.

 

Then she says something about not talking to him for a whole week after that.

 

Then he goes away in his family. I don't know for how long he's been there but lets put it at 1 week.

 

The problem started 1 month ago and the relationship is 3 months.

 

That's 30% of their relationship.

 

The real assessment would be to say they dated for 2 months because that 2 weeks of him being flaky + 1 week of no communication + him being gone, that's not dating.

 

 

 

Okay to be fair, let's say you are right, he was an awesome boyfriend for two months...

 

That's still not three months of inconsistency, which is what ff said, which was what I was actually responding to.

 

Not to mention all she has agreed to do is meet him for dinner! She hasn't agreed to get back together with him.-- it's one dinner!

 

Sheesh!

[Gaeta]

Okay to be fair, let's say you are right, he was an awesome boyfriend for two months...

 

That's still not three months of inconsistency, which is what ff said, which was what I was actually responding to.

 

I agree he was a wonderful boyfriend for 2 months.

 

OP is very patient. Maybe too much? Steady dating for 2 months than she probably has not seen him in 1 month, at least, depending how long he's been away, I have put it at a minimum of 1 week, could be more as people usually don't travel 3,000 miles just for 1 week.

[katiegrl]

I agree he was a wonderful boyfriend for 2 months.

 

OP is very patient. Maybe too much? Steady dating for 2 months than she probably has not seen him in 1 month, at least, depending how long he's been away, I have put it at a minimum of 1 week, could be more as people usually don't travel 3,000 miles just for 1 week.

 

Well, as Shakespeare said "the road to true love NEVER did run smooth."

 

 

Very true in many cases, so I for one am not ruling anything out.

 

 

Reminding you what I posted about my second boyfriend/fiancé. Needed space at about the three month mark, and was gone for THREE WEEKS. I never in a million years thought he'd be back.

 

 

I left him alone and went on with my life. After three weeks he called, and same thing, asked me to dinner. Told me in that three weeks away from me, he realized he was in love with me and wanted a second chance.

 

 

I told him I would have to think about it!! So he pursued me heavily for the next two weeks, till we got back together and stayed together for FOUR YEARS. He asked me to marry him for chrissakes. I broke the engagement for reasons not related to this.

 

 

ANYTHING is possible, there is no way to know unless she meets with him and hears him out....

 

 

Looking forward to her update next week, after their dinner.

 

 

Whatever happens, I hope it works out the way she wants it to.

Edited October 9, 2015 by katiegrl

[LoveLady]

Lets look at that time frame.

 

They started seeing each other 3 months ago = 12 weeks.

 

When problem started he was on and off with communication for 2 weeks.

 

Then she says something about not talking to him for a whole week after that.

 

Then he goes away in his family. I don't know for how long he's been there but lets put it at 1 week.

 

The problem started 1 month ago and the relationship is 3 months.

 

That's 30% of their relationship.

 

The real assessment would be to say they dated for 2 months because that 2 weeks of him being flaky + 1 week of no communication + him being gone, that's not dating.

 

The 2 weeks included me not talking to him for a week. My thoughts were moving faster than my hands. We only went 6 days with no communication. Before thst he would answer me when I txd him n talk about what went on at work n how he had a hard day so I would wish him a good night. 3xs the week before I didn't talk to him for 6 days

[LoveLady]

Okay to be fair, let's say you are right, he was an awesome boyfriend for two months...

 

That's still not three months of inconsistency, which is what ff said, which was what I was actually responding to.

 

Not to mention all she has agreed to do is meet him for dinner! She hasn't agreed to get back together with him.-- it's one dinner!

 

Sheesh!

 

 

 

LOL!! I like your style )

[LoveLady]

I agree he was a wonderful boyfriend for 2 months.

 

OP is very patient. Maybe too much? Steady dating for 2 months than she probably has not seen him in 1 month, at least, depending how long he's been away, I have put it at a minimum of 1 week, could be more as people usually don't travel 3,000 miles just for 1 week.

 

He left Friday will be back Sunday. I only go home for one week sometimes less. That's what happens when you have a job. Unfortunately.

[StocksnBlondes]

I go away for a kid's baseball game and it's back to bickering again on this thread?! OP ...you're of sound mind. Please just go enjoy your dinner then come back afterward and give us your update ...we do care. I think you're better with a clear mind ...your own mind... so try to stay off this thread till the dinner is over.

[LoveLady]

I go away for a kid's baseball game and it's back to bickering again on this thread?! OP ...you're of sound mind. Please just go enjoy your dinner then come back afterward and give us your update ...we do care. I think you're better with a clear mind ...your own mind... so try to stay off this thread till the dinner is over.

 

HAHA! That's how I felt when I looked after my workout. I'm over this thread. No matter what is said I'm going to dinner. And I'll be fine no matter the outcome

 

Thanks!! I'll keep you updated!

[Gaeta]

I go away for a kid's baseball game and it's back to bickering again on this thread?!.

 

Katie and I, and some others, have invested time and thoughts in this thread since the very first page.

 

You came in at page 9 and have brought no insight to her specific case, all you did was being condescending to other posters for being analytic.

 

OP should be happy her thread is getting attention and people are taking time to invest in it thoughts and time. I don't appreciate my time and brain energy being called bickering.

[Gaeta]

Hello Lovelady, so how was dinner with your man?