Empyrea Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Great news! That he reached out! It really really sounded like a break up from having read just your first post.. But maybe thinking that and pulling away, instead of pressuring him to give more answers is what made him reconsider. Well, we don't know yet, but still, it's positive that he's willing to talk. Also, awesome that OP can keep an open mind compared to the rest of us bitter old ladies Anyway, let us know how it went!! 1
angel.eyes Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 I agree. This sounds EXACTLY like the situation with my guy. Things were amazing in the beginning, and then he started to mention work stresses. During our conversations, I can tell that he really is extremely stressed with work. I can see it on his face. Now he's pulling away big time, and uses the "it's not you" explanation a lot. Like katiegrl said, I think there's something deeper going on here. Sorry to hear this happened to you. A key is to recognize when work stress is just a cover for lost interest vs. when it's a legitimate issue and he's trying anyway. So, for example, what concrete actions does a guy take when you voice your concerns? What is he doing to correct the situation? 1
Lovelorn00 Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 He pretty much put in all the effort. He said it made him happy to do for me. This makes me wonder if it was just too much for him. Having to put forth all of the effort on top of major stress at work. That's a lot.
Author LoveLady Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 I agree. This sounds EXACTLY like the situation with my guy. Things were amazing in the beginning, and then he started to mention work stresses. During our conversations, I can tell that he really is extremely stressed with work. I can see it on his face. Now he's pulling away big time, and uses the "it's not you" explanation a lot. Like katiegrl said, I think there's something deeper going on here. Hey maybe we are dating the same guy hahaha all jokes aside Im sorry that happened. I think just telling him you deserve more and then not contacting him may have him think that he better shape up or ship out (IF he's into you). My friends husband said that by telling my guy I wasn't going to wait around for him and I deserved better made me look more desirable since I wasn't all mopey and desperate but willing to just walk. That makes sense to me. If you think that your guy is worth it maybe you can go that route. 1
Gaeta Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Rather than blanketing an entire gender with a negative stereotype, it's more productive IMO to learn to discern men who make good partners from those who don't. When we can't, we tend to attract what we expect. I hope LoveLady remains open-minded with this guy and with others she will encounter as she dates. You guys have to stop saying I make blanket accusations. I DO NOT. My opinion in this thread was based on facts presented by OP. I did not generalize EVER, my answers were customized not general. Also FF came on here 2-3 times and said OP's man is not relationship material. I am not the only one who's got a different view on this but somehow it's easier to gang up on me.. 1
katiegrl Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 You guys have to stop saying I make blanket accusations. I DO NOT. My opinion in this thread was based on facts presented by OP. I did not generalize EVER, my answers were customized not general. Also FF came on here 2-3 times and said OP's man is not relationship material. I am not the only one who's got a different view on this but somehow it's easier to gang up on me.. Well...with respect to ff, he has a tendency to project his own experiences, and how HE personally behaves and interacts with women on to other men. Once again, every person is different, different life experiences, different behaviors, different responses and reactions... I appreciate that most people want to help by projecting their own experiences, but what happens in your life and your relationships, does not necessarily translate into the same thing happening in another person's relationship. 2
Gaeta Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 My friends husband said that by telling my guy I wasn't going to wait around for him and I deserved better made me look more desirable since I wasn't all mopey and desperate but willing to just walk. How long your friend and her husband been married? Be careful to take advice from people who've been in relationships for 10 + years. They have no clue what dating has become in the past 10 years. I would never tell a man to his face I am not waiting for you I deserve better in the hope he starts chasing me. That's not going to happen. If a man is not giving you the attention you deserve you get the attention some place else. You multi-date. If his instinct doesn't dictate him to lock you in an exclusive relationship that's because he's not that into you. You move along till you find your perfect match. 1
Gaeta Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 I appreciate that most people want to help by projecting their own experiences, but what happens in your life and your relationships, does not necessarily translate into the same thing happening in another person's relationship. Just for the sake of arguing here. If you have had 1-2 encounters with a snake that doesn't make you a snake expert but if you have had 100 encounters with snakes I think you start recognizing their whistles and you can tell someone watch out!! I think that's a snake coming.
angel.eyes Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Or perhaps you need to examine why you keep encountering snakes while many other people don't. Not every whistle is going to be a snake. Birds whistle. Humans whistle... 4
Author LoveLady Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 (edited) How long your friend and her husband been married? Be careful to take advice from people who've been in relationships for 10 + years. They have no clue what dating has become in the past 10 years. I would never tell a man to his face I am not waiting for you I deserve better in the hope he starts chasing me. That's not going to happen. If a man is not giving you the attention you deserve you get the attention some place else. You multi-date. If his instinct doesn't dictate him to lock you in an exclusive relationship that's because he's not that into you. You move along till you find your perfect match. Lol!! Ummm I really meant what I said I deserve better. I'm sorry but you're not going to turn this into something negative too. I wasn't doing it out of hoping he would chase me. That was the advice I gave the other girl but she has to believe it herself. She does deserve better. N my friends husband is 33 been married 2 years. Edited October 8, 2015 by LoveLady
katiegrl Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Just for the sake of arguing here. If you have had 1-2 encounters with a snake that doesn't make you a snake expert but if you have had 100 encounters with snakes I think you start recognizing their whistles and you can tell someone watch out!! I think that's a snake coming. I think if someone had 100 negative encounters with "snakes" ...that person might want to start introspecting to determine why it is they continue encountering snakes. 2
katiegrl Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 I think if someone had 100 negative encounters with "snakes" ...that person might want to start introspecting to determine why it is they continue encountering snakes. Sorry angel, I posted this before reading your post saying the same thing! 1
Gaeta Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Lol!! Ummm I really meant what I said I deserve better. I'm sorry but you're not going to turn this into something negative too. I wasn't doing it out of hoping he would chase me. That was the advice I gave the other girl but she has to believe it herself. She does deserve better. N my friends husband is 33 been married 2 years. Of course she deserves better ! you're missing my point. My point is when you deserve better you go get better, you don't waste your time telling a man : hey you I am getting better than you. That serves no point but to get a reaction out of him. 1
Gaeta Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Or perhaps you need to examine why you keep encountering snakes while many other people don't. Not every whistle is going to be a snake. Birds whistle. Humans whistle... You guys are really on a mission against me today lol
myothernic2 Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 You guys are really on a mission against me today lol I don't agree that you're saying all men are bed, don't trust any of them etc. I think you are taking her situation and pointing out some red flags that she should, in fact, be aware of. She should proceed but proceed in caution, at least in the mean time.
angel.eyes Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 You guys are really on a mission against me today lol Or is it that you're being particularly down on dating today? If this guy were genuinely interested in LadyLove, what would he have to do at this point to gain your approval? Is there anything he could possibly do?
katiegrl Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 You guys are really on a mission against me today lol No I'm not and I am sorry you feel that way. Just calling it like I see it, tis all... However, it could also be said that you are on a mission against LoveLady's boyfriend too. Bottom line is....NONE of know what he is thinking or what his intentions are, including LoveLady. All LoveLady can do is go by his actions (current and present) keep and open mind, pay attention and respond accordingly. Assuming he's up to no good, or whatever you're assuming based on your own past negative experiences isn't doing anyone any good here.... You attract what you are. If you're negative, then you will attract negative experiences.. If you're positive, you attract positive experiences. The Power of Positive Thinking authored by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale. 1
Author LoveLady Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 Of course she deserves better ! you're missing my point. My point is when you deserve better you go get better, you don't waste your time telling a man : hey you I am getting better than you. That serves no point but to get a reaction out of him. we were in mid conversation yes I'm going to say that. It's not like I just called him out of the blue after a week of silence to tell him I deserve better. THAT would be different.
Author LoveLady Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 No I'm not and I am sorry you feel that way. Just calling it like I see it, tis all... However, it could also be said that you are on a mission against LoveLady's boyfriend too. Bottom line is....NONE of know what he is thinking or what his intentions are, including LoveLady. All LoveLady can do is go by his actions (current and present) keep and open mind, pay attention and respond accordingly. Assuming he's up to no good, or whatever you're assuming based on your own past negative experiences isn't doing anyone any good here.... You attract what you are. If you're negative, then you will attract negative experiences.. If you're positive, you attract positive experiences. The Power of Positive Thinking authored by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale. Yes. Good book!!!
Gaeta Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 I am not making my assessment on my bad past experience - or blanket judgement - I am making my assessment on this: * so he basically went into hiding with little communication for 2 weeks. * So I let him alone for a week. * After that week I asked him if he wanted a permanent break from me but he didn't answer. He said he's not ignoring my question..but didn't answer it. * So a week after I ask the question he says "Honestly, I'm not sure what I want. * He said " You're and Amazing girl. I am closed off. This is just how I am. My last gf said I'm like a robot with no feelings. I don't understand myself." * He then said "I think I have to make changes & make myself happy before I can even be happy with someone else" I would not forget all this because of flowers and dinner. 1
angel.eyes Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 You attract what you are. If you're negative, then you will attract negative experiences.. If you're positive, you attract positive experiences. The Power of Positive Thinking authored by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale. Oh my goodness! I almost posted this exact quote earlier, but didn't. This is spot on!
Author LoveLady Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 I am not making my assessment on my bad past experience - or blanket judgement - I am making my assessment on this: * so he basically went into hiding with little communication for 2 weeks. * So I let him alone for a week. * After that week I asked him if he wanted a permanent break from me but he didn't answer. He said he's not ignoring my question..but didn't answer it. * So a week after I ask the question he says "Honestly, I'm not sure what I want. * He said " You're and Amazing girl. I am closed off. This is just how I am. My last gf said I'm like a robot with no feelings. I don't understand myself." * He then said "I think I have to make changes & make myself happy before I can even be happy with someone else" I would not forget all this because of flowers and dinner. I'm not forgetting. I'm going to on a date. To discuss these things. Not to get married or pregnant or to make a permanent life changing decision. A date lol I see where you're coming from fir sure. 2
StocksnBlondes Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Girls girls girls ... Yes we all have criteria that sets off our red flag warning ...can be based on our own experiences or that of the experience gained through others we know or general research. I just have so much respect for some posters on this forum (Katiegrl and Gaeta you guys have so much wisdom) to see this escalate. I've intentionally abstained from interjecting my own opinions on the OPs dilemma as it's cloudy enough. Best you can do now OP is enjoy your date ... Protect your heart with a wait and see attitude and a cautious eye. I perceive you've got a good handle on things ... you seem to possess a calm character and are not alarmist/reactionary so I'm sure you'll do the above eloquently ... My only concern is does your calm character gel well with this guy? He may learn from you in this manner but it's definitely something to be considered. Temperament compatibility is very important.
katiegrl Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 I am not making my assessment on my bad past experience - or blanket judgement - I am making my assessment on this: * so he basically went into hiding with little communication for 2 weeks. * So I let him alone for a week. * After that week I asked him if he wanted a permanent break from me but he didn't answer. He said he's not ignoring my question..but didn't answer it. * So a week after I ask the question he says "Honestly, I'm not sure what I want. * He said " You're and Amazing girl. I am closed off. This is just how I am. My last gf said I'm like a robot with no feelings. I don't understand myself." * He then said "I think I have to make changes & make myself happy before I can even be happy with someone else" I would not forget all this because of flowers and dinner. Looking at this through a more positive lens.... the three-month mark is often the time when people (men mostly) want to step back a bit to reassess. It is NOT uncommon for a man to become ambivalent at three months....as in many cases it's a turning point in the RL -- and they need space to gather their thoughts in an attempt to figure out how to proceed, if at all. I experienced that with my second boyfriend ....and it turned out positively! At around three months, he needed space, we had no contact for three weeks, he returned, we dated for four years, he asked me to marry him, we got engaged, and then I broke the engagement (for other reasons). However, I am not suggesting that because MY experience was positive that THAT is how OP's situation will turn out. We just don't know.....again, all she can do is keep AN OPEN MIND, not automatically assume the negative....and see what happens! 1
Author LoveLady Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 Girls girls girls ... Yes we all have criteria that sets off our red flag warning ...can be based on our own experiences or that of the experience gained through others we know or general research. I just have so much respect for some posters on this forum (Katiegrl and Gaeta you guys have so much wisdom) to see this escalate. I've intentionally abstained from interjecting my own opinions on the OPs dilemma as it's cloudy enough. Best you can do now OP is enjoy your date ... Protect your heart with a wait and see attitude and a cautious eye. I perceive you've got a good handle on things ... you seem to possess a calm character and are not alarmist/reactionary so I'm sure you'll do the above eloquently ... My only concern is does your calm character gel well with this guy? He may learn from you in this manner but it's definitely something to be considered. Temperament compatibility is very important. Can you elaborate on the temperament thing? He's also very calm too and he said he likes that about me- but ....I'd like to hear your perspective. Yes I am not an over the top react to everything type if girl. I have read many books like the 4 agreements, the power of now and the power of positive thinking and they have literally changed my life! For example in the 4 agreements it states don't take things personally. Everyones reaction towards you is a state if what THEY are feeling, not about you. Of course it elaborates within a whole chapter but it helped so much. Also, the agreement "Don't make assumptions" bc you never know what's going on with another persons perspective so feel comfortable enough with yourself to ask if you are confused. I'm not all the way there but I'm getting there. Life changing.
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