angel.eyes Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 My opinion is different. I have supported my opinion with explanation. I have expressed my opinion with respect using proper language. I have not judge or accuse anyone while delivering my opinion. If I had the moderator would have taken care of it. The value of seeking advice online is the wide range of responses and opinions that one can get. Generally Gaeta, your advice is spot on. In this particular instance, I couldn't disagree more. I think you've jumped to the most negative conclusions either prematurely or incorrectly. That being said, I'm glad you've stuck to your guns in providing a dissenting opinion. Staying quiet when you disagree benefits no one. Of course, only time will tell who among us was ultimately right. Regardless, if one wants a relationship, I strongly believe one has to be open, accept the risk of getting hurt, and give the other person the benefit of the doubt when warranted. None of us is perfect or behaves perfectly as a dating partner. That's ultimately my message to LoveLady as well. Instead of jumping to the most negative conclusion, give her guy the benefit of the doubt at this point, and see what he has to say on their date. 4
myothernic2 Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 (edited) Don't feel bad, I agree with you. If a guy said "You're an Amazing girl. I am closed off. This is just how I am. My last gf said I'm like a robot with no feelings. I don't understand myself." I wouldn't waste my time and run for the hills. I think eventually he will pull away and say "didn't I tell you...". But good luck to her for chancing it. Edited October 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author LoveLady Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 Thanks guys! I do appreciate all opinions, I really do. However, I'm sorry but trying to find something negative out of a guy trying to be sweet by holding my bags is where I felt like I couldn't read these posts anymore. It is already a stereotype that girls over analyze everything and now I'm being told to analyze a guy wanting to hold my bags for me? LOL that is so exhausting. I just felt like I got opinions on what I originally posted about and didn't feel the need to analyze small things bc it would probably hurt more than help. But again I appreciate ALL opinions. I wasn't trying to be rude at all. It was just becoming exhausting lol But thank you ALL
Author LoveLady Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 Don't feel bad, I agree with you. If a guy said "You're an Amazing girl. I am closed off. This is just how I am. My last gf said I'm like a robot with no feelings. I don't understand myself." I wouldn't waste my time and run for the hills. I think eventually he will pull away and say "didn't I tell you...". But good luck to her for chancing it. I agree but seeing that I'm kind of the same way (but getting better) is actually why I agreed to dinner. AS I stated in an earlier post I know the battle he is fighting. Its not like I agreed to marry him. I agreed to dinner. An open conversation.
myothernic2 Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 I agree but seeing that I'm kind of the same way (but getting better) is actually why I agreed to dinner. AS I stated in an earlier post I know the battle he is fighting. Its not like I agreed to marry him. I agreed to dinner. An open conversation. That's understandable. Maybe you guys can help each other grow, who knows! I would tread very lightly in the meantime. But I hope it works out for you Love. 1
katiegrl Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 (edited) The value of seeking advice online is the wide range of responses and opinions that one can get. Generally Gaeta, your advice is spot on. In this particular instance, I couldn't disagree more. I think you've jumped to the most negative conclusions either prematurely or incorrectly. That being said, I'm glad you've stuck to your guns in providing a dissenting opinion. Staying quiet when you disagree benefits no one. Of course, only time will tell who among us was ultimately right. Regardless, if one wants a relationship, I strongly believe one has to be open, accept the risk of getting hurt, and give the other person the benefit of the doubt when warranted. None of us is perfect or behaves perfectly as a dating partner. That's ultimately my message to LoveLady as well. Instead of jumping to the most negative conclusion, give her guy the benefit of the doubt at this point, and see what he has to say on their date. I 100% agree with this^^ While I was bit negative earlier, suspecting he may have commitment issues (based on his earlier behavior, and his behavior with his ex), I see his actions NOW as a positive. He had a visit with his family .... he said talking with them made him feel better and realize a few things. My guess would be he spoke with them about his pattern of closing up and shutting down in relationships, just like his ex complained about. He felt it starting to happen with OP, and it troubled him to the point of needing to take a few days to figure it all out. His family may have explained that feelings tend to ebb and flow, that relationships can be confusing at times but well worth it in the long run, etc ... which made him realize that everything OP had said to him was on point, and "within reason." (His words). He did not say OP was *right* as Gaeta kept asserting earlier, and to assume he meant she was right that he wants to end the relationship is a huge leap IMO. Lovelady, I see him buying you flowers and a card and wanting to take you out to dinner as a HUGE positive! IMO it is ludicrous to think he bought flowers, a card and is taking you to dinner only to tell you how emotionally closed he is, blah blah. Makes zero sense that he, or any man, would do that! He wants to try again! This could end up being a small "blip" in your developing relationship, which often happens at the three-month mark. Three months is the time when people, mostly men I think, tend to re-assess their feelings. They will either want to end the relationship, or move forward. In his case, he took some time, discussed with family, and has chosen to move forward, obviously! So go to dinner, listen to what he has to say, stay OPEN, and as you move forward (assuming that is what YOU want) pay attention to actions and proceed accordingly. Oh and have fun!!!! :bunny: Keep us posted! Edited October 8, 2015 by katiegrl
Gaeta Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Thanks guys! I do appreciate all opinions, I really do. However, I'm sorry but trying to find something negative out of a guy trying to be sweet by holding my bags is where I felt like I couldn't read these posts anymore. It is already a stereotype that girls over analyze everything and now I'm being told to analyze a guy wanting to hold my bags for me? LOL that is so exhausting. I just felt like I got opinions on what I originally posted about and didn't feel the need to analyze small things bc it would probably hurt more than help. But again I appreciate ALL opinions. I wasn't trying to be rude at all. It was just becoming exhausting lol But thank you ALL Yes but don't get hung up on those and then miss other critical points that could be valuable. My assessment was based on his speech, his flaking, than his triumphal return with flowers and fancy dinner. I do not criticize you for accepting dinner with him and looking forward to discuss the state of your relationship. I just want you to have a critical eye. He can huff and puff all he wants, his real worth is in his actions. Not his actions when all is pretty and dandy but his actions when sh$t hits the fan.
Author LoveLady Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 Yes but don't get hung up on those and then miss other critical points that could be valuable. My assessment was based on his speech, his flaking, than his triumphal return with flowers and fancy dinner. I do not criticize you for accepting dinner with him and looking forward to discuss the state of your relationship. I just want you to have a critical eye. He can huff and puff all he wants, his real worth is in his actions. Not his actions when all is pretty and dandy but his actions when sh$t hits the fan. Up until a week agi his actions were really legit, that is why I'm willing to listen. If he was already showing signs he was a jerk or unworthy, when he withdrew bc of work stress I would have just seen that as the straw that broke the camels back and let him be without caring. But like I said before I genuinely liked him. He showed no red flags before this point (besides holding my bags) :lmao: just joking The biggest hurdle IMO is saying he's closed off and like I said I get where he's coming from. I have been there and still am to some degree. So that will have to be something we discuss open and honestly.
Gaeta Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Lovelady, I see him buying you flowers and a card and wanting to take you out to dinner as a HUGE positive! One more thing and I will leave it alone after :-) I never thought you'd be the type of woman we can blind with flowers and dinner ;-) This man has spent money on OP before. It's in his habit to wine and dine her and even offered to buy her clothes. Spending $ comes easy to him. I would not put a lot of meaning in him sending flowers, he is just being who he is. If he had been very conservative since beginning and then suddenly he sends flowers from abroad I would think wow! the man dig in his pocket to make a statement but here....not so much. OP has also mentioned she had an absent father who demonstrated his affection with money. If you read her opening post you will see she describes him as being an amazing man and then list the things he buys, etc. But that's another subject.
Author LoveLady Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 One more thing and I will leave it alone after :-) I never thought you'd be the type of woman we can blind with flowers and dinner ;-) This man has spent money on OP before. It's in his habit to wine and dine her and even offered to buy her clothes. Spending $ comes easy to him. I would not put a lot of meaning in him sending flowers, he is just being who he is. If he had been very conservative since beginning and then suddenly he sends flowers from abroad I would think wow! the man dig in his pocket to make a statement but here....not so much. OP has also mentioned she had an absent father who demonstrated his affection with money. If you read her opening post you will see she describes him as being an amazing man and then list the things he buys, etc. But that's another subject. My father was not absent...just not affectionate. Neither was my mom. And I still think flowers is sweet, idc if he bought me a house. It's a thought. To me it shows he was thinking about things, which is a good thing. 2
katiegrl Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 One more thing and I will leave it alone after :-) I never thought you'd be the type of woman we can blind with flowers and dinner ;-) This man has spent money on OP before. It's in his habit to wine and dine her and even offered to buy her clothes. Spending $ comes easy to him. I would not put a lot of meaning in him sending flowers, he is just being who he is. If he had been very conservative since beginning and then suddenly he sends flowers from abroad I would think wow! the man dig in his pocket to make a statement but here....not so much. OP has also mentioned she had an absent father who demonstrated his affection with money. If you read her opening post you will see she describes him as being an amazing man and then list the things he buys, etc. But that's another subject. Not blinded at all, I just see it as a positive, that's all.. A nice gesture. I acknowledge you could be right Gaeta, that he will continue being closed off, etc. But then again, you could be wrong, this could be just a blip, and they will end up having a lovely relationship. But I think she owes it to herself to find out!! If it turns out he is still a flake, then so be it, she can then move on for good. Again, good luck Lovelady! 2
Gaeta Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 My father was not absent...just not affectionate. Neither was my mom. And I still think flowers is sweet, idc if he bought me a house. It's a thought. To me it shows he was thinking about things, which is a good thing. The flowers is sweet of course! Up there, you or Katie mentioned it made no sense for him to send you flowers and then tell you over dinner he's closed-off. To me yes it's possible. I have had flowers and gifts from men that did not want anything serious really, they did those grand gestures just to keep me around.
Author LoveLady Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 Not blinded at all, I just see it as a positive, that's all.. A nice gesture. I acknowledge you could be right Gaeta, that he will continue being closed off, etc. But then again, you could be wrong, this could be just a blip, and they will end up having a lovely relationship. But I think she owes it to herself to find out!! If it turns out he is still a flake, then so be it, she can then move on for good. Again, good luck Lovelady! EXACTLY!! I'll be fine either way Thank you <3
katiegrl Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 The flowers is sweet of course! Up there, you or Katie mentioned it made no sense for him to send you flowers and then tell you over dinner he's closed-off. To me yes it's possible. I have had flowers and gifts from men that did not want anything serious really, they did those grand gestures just to keep me around. Oh Gaeta, I know there are some guys that behave that way ...those guys are huge players! The OP's guy is NO player ..not IMO anyway. Confused, ambivalent, yes. But he is also introspective in recognizing his patterns, which is another huge positive! Players are not introspective. They don't care to recognize their patterns, their goal is to continue playing and doing whatever it takes to "win." Like flowers and dinner. That is NOT what is going on here....not IMO anyway. 1
Versacehottie Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 First that you actually spend time talking to a group of people backstage about me a long time fellow member, second that you tell me such a thing in public as if it's some type of warning or something that is suppose to worry me? My opinion is different. I have supported my opinion with explanation. I have expressed my opinion with respect using proper language. I have not judge or accuse anyone while delivering my opinion. If I had the moderator would have taken care of it. My opinion happens to be different and I don't care much if it fits 'your group of people'. ok, obviously you didn't get the cheeky humor of that comment. Needless to say you are just proving my point with your hysteria and knee jerk reactions. Of course, people are allowed and should consider different opinions. I'm sorry your dating experience has made you so bitter about men. I'm just speaking for myself--I have no group of people. Not to worry I won't comment to you anymore. 1
Gaeta Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 ok, obviously you didn't get the cheeky humor of that comment. Needless to say you are just proving my point with your hysteria and knee jerk reactions. Of course, people are allowed and should consider different opinions. I'm sorry your dating experience has made you so bitter about men. I'm just speaking for myself--I have no group of people. Not to worry I won't comment to you anymore. I am not worried and I hope you won't let these exchanges of 'different opinions' between us get to you. It doesn't get to me. I am capable of having differences with people - speak my mind - and STILL enjoy and appreciate them and I will keep on enjoying reading you.
angel.eyes Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Oh my! A guy treating a woman well and trying to respond and adjust to her feedback gets lambasted for his efforts! If he didn't do anything, he would be reamed too. LoveLady, it sounds as if he's on the East coast ATM and you're in LA. FWIW, the guys who went to the trouble to get me flowers were always serious about pursuing something substantial. Ditto for guys who planned memorable dates at nice places. Of course, you have to take the whole picture into account, but generally guys who put effort into planning and are responsive to your needs, do so because they're invested in trying to make things work. If he were suggesting you meet up for drinks or at Starbucks or come over to hang out at his place whenever his night flight lands, my advice would be very different. You'll have to figure out what he really wants on this date, and whether it's worth taking a chance to see if he can give you what you're looking for in a relationship and dating. Enjoy your date! 3
katiegrl Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 When is he coming back? Gaeta, with respect, why these questions? Where are you going with this, what's your point? It almost seems like you hope he flakes! I could be wrong but that is what I am sensing from your posts. Does it matter when dinner is or when he returns? What's your point?
Author LoveLady Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 When is he coming back? Sunday. Dinner will be next week. Monday is a holiday for some but not for me. 1
Gaeta Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Gaeta, with respect, why these questions? Where are you going with this, what's your point? It almost seems like you hope he flakes! I could be wrong but that is what I am sensing from your posts. Does it matter when dinner is or when he returns? What's your point? I want an update. I absolutely not hope he flakes on her. I hope he is genuine and he'll tell her everything she wants to hear. Then maybe it will teach me to be more positive about men and that no not every man is a shallow @ss out to take with no intention of giving back. Also if I am wrong I will come on here like a big girl and admit I was wrong and you guys were right. 1
Lovelorn00 Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 >>He said - "You're an amazing girl. I am closed off. This is just how I am. My last girlfriend said I am like a robot with no feelings. I don't understand myself." << ---- He's got issues. Sounds like fear of intimacy/fear of commitment. Once he gets too close, the fear rears its ugly head and he shuts down/turns off. Obviously it's a pattern, so best you simply wish him well and be on your way...which you did. The good news for him is at least he is beginning to become aware of his pattern so he can seek help... should he want to. Not your problem though. Be thankful he was honest and move on. Sorry. I agree. This sounds EXACTLY like the situation with my guy. Things were amazing in the beginning, and then he started to mention work stresses. During our conversations, I can tell that he really is extremely stressed with work. I can see it on his face. Now he's pulling away big time, and uses the "it's not you" explanation a lot. Like katiegrl said, I think there's something deeper going on here.
angel.eyes Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Regardless of whether you prove to be right or wrong, many of us can vouch for the fact that there are lots...LOTS...of good men out there who aren't shallow asses who just take. Many men want deep, fulfilling, long-lasting, loving relationships and are just as afraid of having their feelings hurt. Rather than blanketing an entire gender with a negative stereotype, it's more productive IMO to learn to discern men who make good partners from those who don't. When we can't, we tend to attract what we expect. I hope LoveLady remains open-minded with this guy and with others she will encounter as she dates. 4
katiegrl Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 I agree. This sounds EXACTLY like the situation with my guy. Things were amazing in the beginning, and then he started to mention work stresses. During our conversations, I can tell that he really is extremely stressed with work. I can see it on his face. Now he's pulling away big time, and uses the "it's not you" explanation a lot. Like katiegrl said, I think there's something deeper going on here. Despite the recent turn of events (Lovelorn00 see later posts), this STILL could be the case. Lovelady (the OP) is aware this is possible, but is keeping an open mind. She said she will be fine no matter how this ultimately plays out, and I believe her. Lovelorn00, I am REALLY sorry to hear things did not work out with your guy.... 1
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