mortensorchid Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 I've been through many different types of men in my lifetime, from the boring to the crazy, from the Bad Boy to the Nice Guy, white collar, working class, etc. And what I have to say about it is that human nature is very predictable and simple, most of our wants and needs are the same no matter what you may or may not think about others and/or yourself. And after hearing every excuse in the book from men as well as women, I have this to say about this guy based on the story: If he wants to be with you, he will be with you. Back off for a bit, wait a few days to see if he will contact you. Because if he doesn't, he will spiral downward and loose everything he has. And I have seen men make a lot of mistakes in their lives, either with me or other women. They will just throw the other over for trashy girls because the trashy girls provide that drama they so want (but say they don't, just like women who go for the Bad Boys even though they say they don't like them). Unfortunately if the man breaks it off with you, there's not much you can do but watch it from the outside. I'm sorry but it does look like this is over with you two. I'm just saying.
Versacehottie Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Well, OP i feel for you for sure. You know what's funny it's that you haven't been dating an outward Peter Pan type but maybe inside he is still not there, i.e. same thing! He is not settled in his career therefore whatever he is doing about a relationship will take a backseat. A lot of times guys are emotionally closed off because they don't yet understand the value of a good relationship. It's not their priority because they are not "there yet". Some are just better daters and then when faced with a struggle in that area (potential loss of job or wanting to change careers) or a challenge (like if you had pushed for moving in or marriage), their not readiness rears its ugly head. I think you handled it well after the discussion came up. There's nothing much you can do except let him figure it out and keep living your life without waiting for him. I agree with whichever poster said that perhaps it would have been wiser to not make him being upset about work as a threat to the relationship where you asked if he wanted to just break up. I'm 50/50 on that though. You pushed the issue by asking but maybe you got valuable information that it would have taken you another 6 wasted months to get. Soooooooo. Anyway, don't feel too bad. This is unfortunately very common. I know so many people it's happened to. Anyway, some of the guys came back after they sorted out either the actual career OR their thoughts but I wouldn't count on it because they can just as easily not come back. Don't take it personally though. Some people will tell you if he was really into you he wouldn't be doing this--not always true and we will never know the real answer in your case so it does no good to rip yourself apart or second guess everything you did up until this point. Keep moving forward. This is exactly the time you need to believe that things will work out the way they are meant to. Good luck 1
Author LoveLady Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 I received this message "I'm sorry for the way I have been acting and handling things. Being with my family has helped and its just what I needed. Everything you said was completely within reason and I understand why you were questioning things" What do I say to this? I don't want to ignore it bc it's a huge deal when people acknowledge their faults, especially guys lol but I have no idea what to say lol he's still at home visiting his family. Thanks 2
Redhead14 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 I received this message "I'm sorry for the way I have been acting and handling things. Being with my family has helped and its just what I needed. Everything you said was completely within reason and I understand why you were questioning things" What do I say to this? I don't want to ignore it bc it's a huge deal when people acknowledge their faults, especially guys lol but I have no idea what to say lol he's still at home visiting his family. Thanks You simply tell him that you are happy to hear that he is doing better and that the rest of his visit goes well and that you'd like to hear from him when he gets back if he is so inclined. 2
kendahke Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 just tell him "I'm glad what I said has resonated with you. I hope your visit continues to be supportive. Call me when you get back to town." 1
Versacehottie Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I received this message "I'm sorry for the way I have been acting and handling things. Being with my family has helped and its just what I needed. Everything you said was completely within reason and I understand why you were questioning things" What do I say to this? I don't want to ignore it bc it's a huge deal when people acknowledge their faults, especially guys lol but I have no idea what to say lol he's still at home visiting his family. Thanks ooooooh tough one. On one hand it may be a bit of a "test". Sometimes without being fully cognizant, people test you (especially indecisive ones!) to make sure that they aren't really losing you. I can't give you the exact perfect thing to say back but my advice would be to speak your honest truth. At this point, I would be brief since he was as well. I don't think he "deserves" to get all the way in if you know what I mean with just a general check-in. I would say something along the lines of thanks for his message or seeing it from your point of view or that's he's been open with you. Don't be overly about him. This is the crucial moment to show him that you are going to take care of your needs in the relationship so if he wants to discuss further or if you want to say a bit more, I would again reasonably state whatever your needs were from the previous conversation and your OP. The "test" can be also to see if you will roll over because you are at risk of losing him. In which case your needs and respect for them will go out the window. So be careful with how this talk will go. I wouldn't do over messaging too much. Just say well then we should talk more when you get back. I hope I'm making sense. 2
Gaeta Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I received this message "I'm sorry for the way I have been acting and handling things. Being with my family has helped and its just what I needed. Everything you said was completely within reason and I understand why you were questioning things" What do I say to this? I don't want to ignore it bc it's a huge deal when people acknowledge their faults, especially guys lol but I have no idea what to say lol he's still at home visiting his family. Thanks This is a really weak sh$tty message ( need to learn new english qualificatives) this is at best him Keeping you on his back burner, not even, you're already cold on the counter. This is not the message you'd expect from a bf of 3 months. In fact when he says you are right about everything he means you're right he is bailing out. 1
road Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 This is a really weak sh$tty message ( need to learn new english qualificatives) this is at best him Keeping you on his back burner, not even, you're already cold on the counter. This is not the message you'd expect from a bf of 3 months. In fact when he says you are right about everything he means you're right he is bailing out. Dump him just for playing games. If you need more reasons then include just for the fun of it, the sport, and, laughs as in ROTFALMAO.
Author LoveLady Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 This is a really weak sh$tty message ( need to learn new english qualificatives) this is at best him Keeping you on his back burner, not even, you're already cold on the counter. This is not the message you'd expect from a bf of 3 months. In fact when he says you are right about everything he means you're right he is bailing out. Ehh my intuition thinks he is being genuine and sincere. I believe I have pretty good intuition as all women pretty much do lol It's been 3 months but up until this he hasn't been anything but nice and honest about everything. People go through hard times. I actually went through the same thing last year (work issues and I live far from my family too. It does take a toll on you) so I understand to some degree. We are actually from the same state & from small town areas & both came to the big city. So he had stress and withdrew for a few days, it happens and is quite normal according to my guy friends. I'm still going to go on with life and Whatever happens, happens. 3
Gaeta Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 Ehh my intuition thinks he is being genuine and sincere. I believe I have pretty good intuition as all women pretty much do lol It's been 3 months but up until this he hasn't been anything but nice and honest about everything. People go through hard times. I actually went through the same thing last year (work issues and I live far from my family too. It does take a toll on you) so I understand to some degree. We are actually from the same state & from small town areas & both came to the big city. So he had stress and withdrew for a few days, it happens and is quite normal according to my guy friends. I'm still going to go on with life and Whatever happens, happens. When he said you were correct in what you were saying he was referring to your words: You were all about me in the beginning and maybe you just realized you don't like me enough to keep going and if so...He is telling you, you were right, he doesn't like you enough to keep going. Then yes I believe he was sincere when he said: " You're and Amazing girl. I am closed off."I think I have to make changes & make myself happy before I can even be happy with someone else" That is him putting an end to your relationship.I am sorry, He is not coming back.
Author LoveLady Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 When he said you were correct in what you were saying he was referring to your words: You were all about me in the beginning and maybe you just realized you don't like me enough to keep going and if so...He is telling you, you were right, he doesn't like you enough to keep going. Then yes I believe he was sincere when he said: " You're and Amazing girl. I am closed off."I think I have to make changes & make myself happy before I can even be happy with someone else" That is him putting an end to your relationship.I am sorry, He is not coming back. I think he was being sincere in his apology. Whether he comes back or not I don't really care.
Gaeta Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I think he was being sincere in his apology. Whether he comes back or not I don't really care. I also believe his apology was sincere, he is sorry he treated you poorly but he's not coming back. I don't believe you though when you say you don't care if he comes back or not. There is NO way a woman will invest 3 months of her time, efforts, and feelings into a man and not care! I'm a woman too.
Author LoveLady Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 I also believe his apology was sincere, he is sorry he treated you poorly but he's not coming back. I don't believe you though when you say you don't care if he comes back or not. There is NO way a woman will invest 3 months of her time, efforts, and feelings into a man and not care! I'm a woman too. 3 months is not really that long in my opinion. I'm still young and cute I can get other dates easily lol And honestly I didn't really have to make that much effort, just show up. He pretty much put in all the effort. He said it made him happy to do for me. I just showed appreciation. If a person is not mean to be in your life the sooner you let go the sooner you open the door for someone who is. That's how I look at it I still think he is a good guy though and hope the best for him.
Toodaloo Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I think you should just ignore that last text. I also think that several things went on here... 1. Asking him if he wants to dump you by text? Not cool, makes you look needy/ insecure also puts the idea in his head that you are thinking about it... 2. By asking that, when he has hassles else where you have just made life much harder than it needs to be for both of you and sucked all the fun out of it. It is also again "needy" and insecure as life can't always be about your loved ones all the time, there are things like work, paying the bills, catching up with the latest game etc... all those need a bit of attention as well. 3. After 3 months he should feel comfortable to talk to you about issues that are concerning him, the fact he doesn't means he is either into dodgey stuff he doesn't want to talk to you about or that he really just can't talk to you... All of the above signal real communication issues. Those would become issues later on and make everything much harder than it needs to be. Just let him go. Don't respond at all.
Versacehottie Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I also believe his apology was sincere, he is sorry he treated you poorly but he's not coming back. I don't believe you though when you say you don't care if he comes back or not. There is NO way a woman will invest 3 months of her time, efforts, and feelings into a man and not care! I'm a woman too. I have to disagree. None of us has a crystal ball. If you take the message on face value alone, it sure sounds like he wants back in. OP will just have to see what he does next and see if he backs up the sentiment of what he says with action. I'm sure OP "cares" some because otherwise she wouldn't have made this post but to presume all women react the same to each other is not accurate. If she has a strong sense of worth, then even the fact that he's wavered on her would turn some girls off permanently or not care. I definitely know girls like this. Depending on the guy, I have been that girl too. 1
Gaeta Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I have to disagree. None of us has a crystal ball. If you take the message on face value alone, it sure sounds like he wants back in. OP will just have to see what he does next and see if he backs up the sentiment of what he says with action. I'm sure OP "cares" some because otherwise she wouldn't have made this post but to presume all women react the same to each other is not accurate. If she has a strong sense of worth, then even the fact that he's wavered on her would turn some girls off permanently or not care. I definitely know girls like this. Depending on the guy, I have been that girl too. You give men way too much credit. He treated her very poorly. Those are not the words or actions of a man that is involved. He doesn't care if he loses her or not. The ex-girlfriend is an EX for a reason. He's closed off, he doesn't invest himself, he loses interest. 1
Author LoveLady Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 I have to disagree. None of us has a crystal ball. If you take the message on face value alone, it sure sounds like he wants back in. OP will just have to see what he does next and see if he backs up the sentiment of what he says with action. I'm sure OP "cares" some because otherwise she wouldn't have made this post but to presume all women react the same to each other is not accurate. If she has a strong sense of worth, then even the fact that he's wavered on her would turn some girls off permanently or not care. I definitely know girls like this. Depending on the guy, I have been that girl too. I "care" but care less and less every day haha but I have a whatever happens, happens attitude and I will be fine either way. I just meant 3 months is not long enough for me to be sitting around heartbroken, longing for him to come back. I'm not even close to feeling like that but have known girls (lots of them) to act like life is over if they stop seeing someone within 3 months I have been accused of being like a "robot" also. I know how to care for people but you can't make someone still have feelings for you. So when its clear they don't its easier to just say "ok" and move on. I just needed help bc I wasn't clear in this case. But I definitely don't have a problem letting things go.
Author LoveLady Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 You give men way too much credit. He treated her very poorly. Those are not the words or actions of a man that is involved. He doesn't care if he loses her or not. The ex-girlfriend is an EX for a reason. He's closed off, he doesn't invest himself, he loses interest. I would also like to add that I don't feel like I was treated "Very poorly" bc a guy withdrew bc of some work stress. I think it was just a miscommunication/difference in handling things that brought out other issues as I was pressing for answers trying to understand-which I deserved to do, even he acknowledged.
Lansing Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 As a guy, last summer I got very busy with work and things were stressful and I probably didn't pay as much attention to the girl I was dating as I should. I wish she had a bit more patience with me though and it feels like she just gave up and started confronting me and making it look like it was about her vs. the fact that I just had too much on my plate (i.e. I still made an effort to see her at least once a week). The actual confrontations and the way that she reacted to things make me less interested in her because instead of being supportive it felt like she was attacking me and my choice of work, etc. So, back to OPs situation. I would acknowledge his message because I think that is the right thing to do but really he doesn't give you much new information so you need to figure out how you are best to actually respond to it. Maybe he is testing the waters. I do think you are better to talk on the phone or in person then discussing all of this via text message though. 1
Versacehottie Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 You give men way too much credit. He treated her very poorly. Those are not the words or actions of a man that is involved. He doesn't care if he loses her or not. The ex-girlfriend is an EX for a reason. He's closed off, he doesn't invest himself, he loses interest. Ok that's funny. I don't see it that he treated her poorly. He's acting like he's in a personal crisis and there's a difference. I think it's smart not to treat men like the enemy--something that I think would serve you well. Also not to group entire genders of people together. If you want to say that I gave this guy too much credit--that's really all you can extrapolate from my comment to THIS situation--then at least you would have a leg to stand on. I would still disagree with your conclusion but at least it would be a fair enough assessment of your position on my comment. OP, I would advise not becoming a man-hater. That won't help you in the love department. If things with this guy don't work out or he gets exposed as a jerk, please don't apply to all men or make broad generalizations that are based on fear and distrust. A person with confidence and brains can figure out each guy and each situation on a case by case base and use her good judgment. Yes people follow some patterns but we are not all the same. 4
Gaeta Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 Ok that's funny. I don't see it that he treated her poorly. He's acting like he's in a personal crisis and there's a difference. I think it's smart not to treat men like the enemy--something that I think would serve you well. Also not to group entire genders of people together. If you want to say that I gave this guy too much credit--that's really all you can extrapolate from my comment to THIS situation--then at least you would have a leg to stand on. I would still disagree with your conclusion but at least it would be a fair enough assessment of your position on my comment. OP, I would advise not becoming a man-hater. That won't help you in the love department. If things with this guy don't work out or he gets exposed as a jerk, please don't apply to all men or make broad generalizations that are based on fear and distrust. A person with confidence and brains can figure out each guy and each situation on a case by case base and use her good judgment. Yes people follow some patterns but we are not all the same. I am not a men hater. I am a BS hater, flakiness hater, weakness hater, half-invested hater, back-burner hater. From the moment he started having work stress he treated her poorly by closing off to her and starting to fade away with these excuses. I have dated men that actually lost their job, lost their car, lost family members, and they didn't put me on a back burner. They didn't open up about it, they were a little quieter, but they kept on being present in my life. They actually welcomed that I took their mind off of things. I would like to remind you and OP he did NOT lose his job, he got a scare yes but that's it. That's enough to be absent? The way I see it nothing changed in his life. He got his job, his revenue, no one died, what's the big deal that he needs to withdraw? 2
Versacehottie Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I am not a men hater. I am a BS hater, flakiness hater, weakness hater, half-invested hater, back-burner hater. From the moment he started having work stress he treated her poorly by closing off to her and starting to fade away with these excuses. I have dated men that actually lost their job, lost their car, lost family members, and they didn't put me on a back burner. They didn't open up about it, they were a little quieter, but they kept on being present in my life. They actually welcomed that I took their mind off of things. I would like to remind you and OP he did NOT lose his job, he got a scare yes but that's it. That's enough to be absent? The way I see it nothing changed in his life. He got his job, his revenue, no one died, what's the big deal that he needs to withdraw? We will have to agree to disagree on this one. OP, best of luck with your situation. Post updates if you feel like it whether they be with him or a new guy 1
Redhead14 Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I am not a men hater. I am a BS hater, flakiness hater, weakness hater, half-invested hater, back-burner hater. From the moment he started having work stress he treated her poorly by closing off to her and starting to fade away with these excuses. I have dated men that actually lost their job, lost their car, lost family members, and they didn't put me on a back burner. They didn't open up about it, they were a little quieter, but they kept on being present in my life. They actually welcomed that I took their mind off of things. I would like to remind you and OP he did NOT lose his job, he got a scare yes but that's it. That's enough to be absent? The way I see it nothing changed in his life. He got his job, his revenue, no one died, what's the big deal that he needs to withdraw? In this particular scenario, they weren't seeing each other long enough for him to even be going to her for support on anything anyway. So, if he was stressed out and felt like being by himself or what have you, she should just say "do what you need to do and when you're ready, give me a call". He doesn't owe her a thing yet. She said she had been seeing him for a couple of months, but a few weeks into it this started. So, it had really only been a month or a little over that. That soon in a dating scenario, dating partners shouldn't be going to each other for support. And, if he's feeling like he wouldn't be good company for her, I get why he'd lay low for a bit. what's the big deal that he needs to withdraw? -- One person's big deal may not be a big deal to someone else. And, now that he's revealed that this is how he is though, and he has reached out to her again, she needs to continue to observe him carefully. He has said somethings that indicate a bigger issue with him. If he does this again for an extended period, or does it often but in shorter periods, she should move on because this is what happens when there is a fear of intimacy. They pull away for any stress sometimes for a while and then come back stronger. This may just be a blip for him, but . . . If they had been in a relationship and he did this, I would stand on him harder for sure.
Author LoveLady Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 Well...I got to work and there were flowers on my desk from him with a card. He wants to go to dinner (to a swanky Hollywood restaurant I might add lol) and talk when he gets back. I think it's very sweet of him to do that, esiecislly when he's on another coast. I am open to going to dinner and talking. I know there are always people that can turn something into negative but for me, I will give him credit for doing this. It was a nice gesture. 3
Redhead14 Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 Well...I got to work and there were flowers on my desk from him with a card. He wants to go to dinner (to a swanky Hollywood restaurant I might add lol) and talk when he gets back. I think it's very sweet of him to do that, esiecislly when he's on another coast. I am open to going to dinner and talking. I know there are always people that can turn something into negative but for me, I will give him credit for doing this. It was a nice gesture. He gets a big pass on this one Be patient and sit back. Be receptive/responsive and observe carefully. If this is just a blip for him, it'll be fine. It was too soon to be expecting him to keep you in the fold when there were things going on that bothered him enough. As the relationship develops though, and since he said this is how is he, he may do this occasionally for a few days and that's fine. But it shouldn't last more than a week tops. This guy may need lots of space. So if you like him enough, you will need to be very strong and patient. You'll have to evaluate for yourself if you can handle this kind of thing. If he does it often, move on. Right now, treat it as a blip. 1
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