Gaeta Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 I rarely come across a man with a *plan*!! and I am getting tired of it. For first meeting they give it to me to decide the time and place, ok with that. Second meeting they never have ideas of what do to so they ask me out and say I'm in charge of the date it's anything I want. Third date same thing. I usually get a text or call asking when we can get together and they ask 'what would you like to do' so giving it to me again to decide of the outing. I RARELY get a real official date invitation like: Gaeta I would like to take you out at XYZ Saturday. RARELY. I just got a text from last night man saying he's home today doing nothing so if I have plans for us to let him know. How do I go around this?
losangelena Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Well, my ex was the opposite. He put in the effort to plan the first few outings and then got lazy, lol. In his defense, I have lived here a lot longer and know about more places. I dunno Gaeta. If I got a message like that, I'd think it was quite rude. At some point I'd try and leave the ball in their court, because it's just so lazy.
Ami1uwant Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 In your conversations between dates do you bring up what's going on that weekend that you may have interest in? Do you talk about interests you have? I can see some weekends are harder if nothing spacial is going on in town. What kind of things do you want to do or enjoy doing on a date?
Author Gaeta Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 In your conversations between dates do you bring up what's going on that weekend that you may have interest in? Do you talk about interests you have? I can see some weekends are harder if nothing spacial is going on in town. What kind of things do you want to do or enjoy doing on a date? You sound like the men I have been dating lol I told him all that when we first started talking. Last night when we got out of the restaurant I saw the sign of a movie I have been wanting to see. I said: OH apparently that movie is really good !!. It was my way of giving him ideas for our next date. He replied he doesn't watch movies only documentaries lol
Survivor12 Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Respond to him by saying, "I don't have any plans but I would enjoy spending the day with you--surprise me. ;)" 1
EricaH329 Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 You sound like the men I have been dating lol I told him all that when we first started talking. Last night when we got out of the restaurant I saw the sign of a movie I have been wanting to see. I said: OH apparently that movie is really good !!. It was my way of giving him ideas for our next date. He replied he doesn't watch movies only documentaries lol Well he sounds like fun Seriously though, the next time he asks what you want to do, i'd just reply with, "Let's do something you'd like to do this time. What are your suggestions?" I've known men that i've had to say that to, and they still don't know what to do. Personally, that's a turn off for me. 1
Author Gaeta Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 He replied he doesn't watch movies only documentaries lol Said the man that sticks his chewing gum under restaurant tables. 1
SoftViolin Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Said the man that sticks his chewing gum under restaurant tables. You can't argue against class You made me laugh. I agree with you though that the lack of plans is frustrating. I dated a guy like that and it bothered me too. He had a lot more available time than I did, and usually just confirmed the date/time with me, saying we could do anything I wanted. We, too, have been in a situation where I knew the area better, but it is not that hard to check out which plays are going on, movies, shows, suggest a trip to the park, or even dinner, anything really. It got really exhausting. I think knowing that it's been a frustrating trend for you, you have to try and leave the ball in his court with this one by saying something like what was suggested above - "do you have any suggestions?", or "i like x, y and z - if you planned something along those lines, it would be lovely", and leave x, y and z not very specific - like movies, greek food, etc. Just thinking if you would be the one to suggest yet another date, you will go to this date a tiny bit frustrated in your head already. 1
Ami1uwant Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 You sound like the men I have been dating lol I told him all that when we first started talking. Last night when we got out of the restaurant I saw the sign of a movie I have been wanting to see. I said: OH apparently that movie is really good !!. It was my way of giving him ideas for our next date. He replied he doesn't watch movies only documentaries lol I would have picked up on that about wanting to see the movie. I wouldn't have said that out on doing the movie. In my dating the first few dates I'll plan but I want her to do done Don't of date planning or be involved in deciding what to do. If I'm the one planning I might gave bias in doing what interests me so I want yo do what interests her --to a point. If you suggested for a movie to see a movie that was going yo one that many women go to see like magic mike then I wouldn't want to see that. Me and my ex gf didn't have the same interests in movies where there was little overlap in both of us wanting to see the same movie. I told her the way yo make this work is we each take turns in dividing heat movie to see. One week she picks, next week I pick. She didn't want to do this.
Ami1uwant Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Said the man that sticks his chewing gum under restaurant tables. Did he take the gum after dinner and start re chewing it ? 1
Ami1uwant Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 You can't argue against class You made me laugh. I agree with you though that the lack of plans is frustrating. I dated a guy like that and it bothered me too. He had a lot more available time than I did, and usually just confirmed the date/time with me, saying we could do anything I wanted. We, too, have been in a situation where I knew the area better, but it is not that hard to check out which plays are going on, movies, shows, suggest a trip to the park, or even dinner, anything really. It got really exhausting. I think knowing that it's been a frustrating trend for you, you have to try and leave the ball in his court with this one by saying something like what was suggested above - "do you have any suggestions?", or "i like x, y and z - if you planned something along those lines, it would be lovely", and leave x, y and z not very specific - like movies, greek food, etc. Just thinking if you would be the one to suggest yet another date, you will go to this date a tiny bit frustrated in your head already. Early on you want to do date stuff that she enjoys doing. Doing something the guy is interested in and she hates says this relationship could be over. In order to plan you need a grasp of her interests and not hold it against him if ge suggests something that you font like.
Author Gaeta Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 Did he take the gum after dinner and start re chewing it ? lol, no. If you check my other thread I took it away from him like he is 6 yo.
carhill Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 I RARELY get a real official date invitation like: Gaeta I would like to take you out at XYZ Saturday. RARELY. I just got a text from last night man saying he's home today doing nothing so if I have plans for us to let him know. How do I go around this? Ha, ha, the 'would love to take you to xxx at xxx on xxx' was classic old-fashioned dating behavior when I was dating. I can't think of a date I went on that didn't go like that because, well, women in my demographic expected a man with a plan and, yup, there were plenty chasing them and they simply dismissed those who didn't meet their standards of dating behavior. In that experience is my advice. Set your standard and stick to it and dismiss insufficient efforts without without substantive thought or comment. Bad fit, next. Back to my old advice, if it don't flow, don't go. Is such a standard binding to all dating interactions? Nope! People decide individually. If minds meet, they do; if not, next.
SoftViolin Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Early on you want to do date stuff that she enjoys doing. Doing something the guy is interested in and she hates says this relationship could be over. In order to plan you need a grasp of her interests and not hold it against him if ge suggests something that you font like. I don't disagree that there needs to be mutual interest, but conversely I wouldn't want to suggest something and have the guy hate it but go along because he feels he needs to. Usually the good flow is "Would you like to go bird watching?" "No, I hate birds because one chased me down the street when I was 5 years old, but how about movies?" "Oh that sounds good".... Tongue-in-cheek, but you get the point What I think Gaeta is frustrated with, and what I was referring to as well, is not having this back-and-forth interaction, and just being "tasked" (because that's how it feels really) with coming up with something interesting for both of you to do with no input from your partner. I get that it gets easier when you get to know each other better, but it's still a two way street and both parties need to do their part in suggesting activities. 1
Hopeful30 Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 I don't think we should expect men to be this way. On the contrary, he will do whatever we want? GREAT! I don't have to sit through sporting/drinking events or go to places I don't want. If you really like this guy, you could always tell him that you would prefer he makes the plans and that you will go along. At the end of the day, if you really don't like what he has planned, you can always change it.
Author Gaeta Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 Ha, ha, the 'would love to take you to xxx at xxx on xxx' was classic old-fashioned dating behavior when I was dating. I can't think of a date I went on that didn't go like that because, well, women in my demographic expected a man with a plan and, yup, there were plenty chasing them and they simply dismissed those who didn't meet their standards of dating behavior. In that experience is my advice. Set your standard and stick to it and dismiss insufficient efforts without without substantive thought or comment. Bad fit, next. Back to my old advice, if it don't flow, don't go. Is such a standard binding to all dating interactions? Nope! People decide individually. If minds meet, they do; if not, next. So you would say a man over 45 at least? should know how to make a proper invitation? or over 50? The 2 men I can think of who made real invitations were both 53.
thecrucible Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 I get frustrated by that too. But I would try and encourage the guy by telling him I would like him to make some plans tool I completely know what you're getting at though. I would just hate it if the guy kept making plans that suited him rather than both of us. So there could be some balance, like he would ask me what I like so he could base his planning around that. That way he is making an effort but not just making plans that suit what he wants to do. So I hate that. I also hate when guys are 'spontaneous'. I don't want a guy to contact me and ask me to go out on the same evening he asks as I have likely already planned what I'm doing that evening by that point. No, the guy has to book me in advance
LilaMarie Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 I like men that can come up with suggestions as to where we should go and do. Of course I also give them my input. If it's during the beginning stages that they don't have any suggestions I wouldn't continue to date them bc I would rather date some guy that puts in the effort to woo me.
mortensorchid Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 That annoys me as well. There were times that when we arrange for a weekend or something that the man would say "anything you want". So then I would make a plan and he'd go along with it. Over time, I was the one making all the plans and the man was resentful of it, he felt like he was just being lead by me. So when I would say "alright, tell me what you want then." And he had no answer for that either. I had one who took it to extremes saying I didn't invite him to a party and I said I had, I asked him two weeks before to go to the party and he said he didn't want to go. And instead of calling and asking where I was on a Saturday night without him, he sat at home and let his anger build up. So to answer your question, quite honestly you can't win. All I can say is good luck.
blackcat777 Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 In the beginning of my relationship, I was playful about it when I wanted my boyfriend to make plans... bat my lashes, twirl my hair, "I don't know, YOU'RE the man, you decide. " Now he flips it on me, tells me HE'S the man and HE decides. (+10 if he picks me up and carries me and tells me we're going upstairs!) Sometimes we joke about "the man's job" and "the woman's job," but it's more about sweet gestures we know the other person will enjoy... and it keeps the attraction great. A lot of masculine/feminine polarity focused dating advice says to let men know how happy you are when they make a decision, and to EXPRESS it, and they will be more likely to do it again. It works on the idea that men generally want to make women happy and love feeling appreciated... so you can create a positive feedback loop. I honestly don't know many men that would back down if you told them to make the plans because you love it when a man takes charge. And if they felt how happy it made you... why wouldn't they do it again? And guys who don't want to take initiative... those guys are a huge red flag for me. I was mixed up with a Peter Pan once. Never again. When I did OLD, I was actually quite eager to vet guys on their attitude about taking initiative in the early dating stages. I did find that the guys who made dates also made the best dates, as in, I enjoyed their company and we went on more than a first date. 1
carhill Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 So you would say a man over 45 at least? should know how to make a proper invitation? or over 50? The 2 men I can think of who made real invitations were both 53. What's 'proper' is up to you. My example could be proper or improper, depending upon your perception. What's proper for women of my age in my mostly rural and old-fashioned demographic could be completely improper for those in a more progressive, urban demographic, as example. To me, it comes down to individuals. In my case, I was socialized to be the protagonist and planner and women of my demographic reinforced that by their impatience with ambiguity or waffling, in that they passed me over for the men with clear intentions and a clear plan. Those sometimes harsh experiences taught lessons. What happens in your demographic could be completely different and, since you're the object of their affections, you choose. We're on different sides of the equation. I had to adapt to the choices, predominantly, the women of my demographic were making. You are those women, figuratively, and you're free to choose anything you like, to the extent it provides you a dating pool. That's pretty cool.
TheBathWater Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 You sound like the men I have been dating lol I told him all that when we first started talking. Last night when we got out of the restaurant I saw the sign of a movie I have been wanting to see. I said: OH apparently that movie is really good !!. It was my way of giving him ideas for our next date. He replied he doesn't watch movies only documentaries lol ::slaps forehead:: Men are clueless, I'm sorry.
CalvinM Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 I almost always have a plan. I've lived in this city for almost a decade, so I know where the good restaurants are and the woman I'm seeing now lives close to a few of them, so it's easier to suggest things to do.
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