My boyfriend is being cold and indifferent because of my insecurities and paranoia.

October 4, 2015

My boyfriend and I are in our early twenties. My boyfriend is younger than me. For as long as I remember I have had trouble with my self esteem and I am insecure. At first my boyfriend loved and cared for me, when I had moments when I felt I wasn't good enough he would talk calmly and I would feel better.

There have been times when I have felt hurt because of the little things he does, like if he promised to hang out with me, I kept waiting and he hangs out with his friends instead. Or he just forgot. And I tend to cry over those little things.

Later he started being colder and indifferent towards me. He broke his promises, cancelled our date thrice and barely talked to me. I asked him why he is like that now and all he says that the drama I create over trivial things has made him harden himself and now he doesn't care anymore. He doesn't like spending time with me. He went to say that before he was madly in love with me but after seeing my darker side, he doesn't think I am the same person he loved and that I am not good enough. I thought if I stop being so insecure things will be better, so I started working on myself, but I resented him for how he treated me.

Recently we had an argument during my birthday (regarding him spending time with other girls and gifting them, while he barely spends time with me) when I asked if we could talk to resolve matters, he ignored me and continued playing video games. Out of anger and crying I just lashed out how I am hurt over his attitude over the months. I resent him for his indifference while I continue to care for him. I stormed off saying he doesn't speak to me again.

His reaction was that he blocked and deleted me from everywhere because "all he does is hurt me and this is what I had wanted". I was devastated.

We talked about the situation. He revealed he doesn't feel anything for me, yet he cares about me and respects me, thinks I am a great girl etc. but he thinks I am not good enough. And that I keep creating drama when there is no "issue". For one week I am normal then I lash out again. While as a reaction he keeps growing indifferent. He said he cant backtrack and be happy again like me nor forget such events, and that I will never change so its better if we part ways because he isn't even sure if he wants me in his life now. And he is sure I will repeat my mistake again and again, and things will get worse. I am beyond hope. I have too much of expectations and he keeps disappointing me.

He also added if we do work on our relationship, I will have to deal with the less communication than before, more indifference, so I am setting myself up for pain. If I dont mind all that then he is okay with it. But he doesn't think things cant be the same as before.

I never felt so bad in my life. Sure I had been in abusive relationships before. But I know I cant hold that as responsible for my behavior. I really do want to change. I feel terrible because I really do love him. I just want things to be the same as they were before but his indifference isn't helping and is driving me crazy, whenever I point this out, he says he cant help it. Can I salvage my relationship?

October 4, 2015

Nope, not salvageable.

You weren't 'insecure and paranoid' if what you say is true. If he cancels your plans with no good reason, he's not good enough to date. If he forgets he's seeing you on a regular basis, he's not good enough to date. If he's spending time and effort giving gifts to other women, he's not good enough to date. If he's telling you he doesn't feel enough for you to be with you, then you're not a good fit for each other.

Why on earth would you keep chasing this man? It sounds like he's treating you like crap and then blaming you for 'creating drama' when you respond to feeling like he doesn't value or appreciate you. Totally toxic. Ask yourself why your self esteem is so low or your perception of a healthy relationship is so skewed that you think this is a relationship to hold onto. Seriously. You mention abusive relationships in the past, have you ever had some therapy around your personal boundaries?

October 4, 2015

I havent had therapy yet. But I have lost my sense of self. I cant even discern if I am really manipulative and a drama queen as he puts it. His reason for cancelling our date was that he doesn't feel like it anymore and is scared that I will turn bat **** crazy.

October 4, 2015

Pinkcookie

The following are not "little things" in a relationship:

* hanging with other girls & giving them gifts

* routinely cancelling dates with you

*breaking promises to hang out with you & then claiming to forget so he can hang out with his buddies

*purposefully playing videogames & ignoring you while you are trying to have a serious talk about the relationship

Your BF had one foot out the door of this relationship for a long time. Let him go & don't chase after him.

Since you believe that you are overly sensitive, & have insecurities as well as paranoia do get some therapy to improve your own confidence. That will help you determine if you drove this guy away or whether he was simply an insensitive jerk not worth keeping in the 1st place.

October 5, 2015

Your bf is being a giant douche, and it isn't acceptable regardless of what you did or think you did. Sure, by all means work on your insecurities, but that's a separate issue. My guess is that you would probably improve in that department once you find the confidence to ditch him, especially when he's an ass who treats you like dirt and tells you 'you're not good enough'.

October 5, 2015

Given your self-perceived issues, this boyfriend is totally unsuitable for you.

Rather than being helpful and understanding, he's using your issues as an excuse for his own unacceptable and unloving behaviour.

He's useless.

October 5, 2015

I completely understand what you are going through cause I'm going through something very very similar as you.

My boyfriend of five years left me last month stating it was due to my insecurity issues. We are also both in our early 20s and he is younger then me. At first I blamed myself for him leaving I felt like I pushed him away. Within time I kept myself busy. I talked to friends and eventually gained a new perpesptvie.

If someone is the right person for you, NOTHING can make them leave. If someone truly loves you, they will not give up no matter what the reason. Your boyfriend sounds exactly like mine, insensitive and refuses to see his faults. He goes so far as to flirt with other girls and cancels dates and yet you still want to make the relationship work. But when you comment on how you are feeling, he bounces and blocks you from everything. Exactly what ex did to me! And he even cheated on yet I make one comment and he leaves.

Just know that these men are young and immature. Nothing will make them change until they grow up. Work on yourself, work on your self confidence. Go out and exercise, it really helps. Go to a club with friends and just dance. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Look for a new job to be excited about. Most importantly, leave the younger guys alone. Don't expect much from most of them. I learned my lesson my hard way and woman do mature faster than men. Good luck and if you ever need to talk just let me know. we are literally going through the same thing.

October 5, 2015

No, I don't think this is salvageable. And why would you even want to salvage this? It's a train wreck.

He's an awful boyfriend. The "little things" you were upset about are not little things at all. I don't know any women who would be cool with the way he treated you. He's right about one thing - it's better if you part ways. He doesn't love you and you deserve a hell of a lot better.

October 5, 2015

A little more than 3 weeks ago, i began dating an insecure woman. I broke it up a couple of days ago, although she still contacted me up until yesterday night to make me change my mind. I tried to explain to her, but her insecurities are just too much. She was so insecure that she tried mind games in order to have "the upper hand", because she felt that i was going to abandon her. I WOULDN'T. The games made me go away.

It's funny, because as we were talking last night, she actually said to me "Why it should be YOU who has the upper hand in the relationship?". Verbatim... At that point, i knew i had to get away... And asked her to never contact me again. For the record, i don't want to have "the upper hand", but i will never let a woman control me, like she wanted. If she doesn't feel secure letting me breathe and needs to control me so much to feel safe, i want nothing to do with her.

Being insecure, clingy, needy, jealous, possesive, playing tricks and mind games, and power games, is TIRING. TIRING.

Your ex tried his best at first to calm you down, to make you feel ok. But you can't keep this up forever. At some point, this becomes too much. You are in a relationship to improve your life and gain energy, not drain it. Your ex tried his best, he stayed with you and showed understanding for far longer than i would. Of course i am 32 and not in my early twenties, so i don't have time to waste in dead ends.

I don't agree that your ex is bad. He is just tired, inexperienced, and has no respect for you because you have no respect for yourself. He also don't know how to end it properly.

In any case, you should work with your self esteem issues. Stop trying to hold on to people. Let them be free, and just make them feel good in order for them to WANT to stay with you. And they will, trust me on that. Don't be afraid.

If you keep acting like this, people will keep abandoning you, or worse, you will end up with some narcissist to drain you and leave an empty shell behind...

October 5, 2015

A little more than 3 weeks ago, i began dating an insecure woman. I broke it up a couple of days ago, although she still contacted me up until yesterday night to make me change my mind. I tried to explain to her, but her insecurities are just too much. She was so insecure that she tried mind games in order to have "the upper hand", because she felt that i was going to abandon her. I WOULDN'T. The games made me go away.

It's funny, because as we were talking last night, she actually said to me "Why it should be YOU who has the upper hand in the relationship?". Verbatim... At that point, i knew i had to get away... And asked her to never contact me again. For the record, i don't want to have "the upper hand", but i will never let a woman control me, like she wanted. If she doesn't feel secure letting me breathe and needs to control me so much to feel safe, i want nothing to do with her.

Being insecure, clingy, needy, jealous, possesive, playing tricks and mind games, and power games, is TIRING. TIRING.

Your ex tried his best at first to calm you down, to make you feel ok. But you can't keep this up forever. At some point, this becomes too much. You are in a relationship to improve your life and gain energy, not drain it. Your ex tried his best, he stayed with you and showed understanding for far longer than i would. Of course i am 32 and not in my early twenties, so i don't have time to waste in dead ends.

I don't agree that your ex is bad. He is just tired, inexperienced, and has no respect for you because you have no respect for yourself. He also don't know how to end it properly.

In any case, you should work with your self esteem issues. Stop trying to hold on to people. Let them be free, and just make them feel good in order for them to WANT to stay with you. And they will, trust me on that. Don't be afraid.

If you keep acting like this, people will keep abandoning you, or worse, you will end up with some narcissist to drain you and leave an empty shell behind...

Hi, interesting post. Could you please provide more insight into behaviours which qualify as "too needy" or "too insecure". Also, did you give your ex any reason to feel insecure aka gaslighting? I don't necessarily think OP was being too clingy or possessive- she was merely reacting to his neglectful and uncaring behaviour.

But I genuinely want to understand your situation and specific examples of things your ex did which turned you off, because sometimes I struggle to delineate between a rational response to bad behaviour versus clingyness, insecurity and possessiveness. Thanks.

Edited October 5, 2015 by Hope87

October 5, 2015

Hi, interesting post. Could you please provide more insight into behaviours which qualify as "too needy" or "too insecure". Also, did you give your ex any reason to feel insecure aka gaslighting? I don't necessarily think OP was being too clingy or possessive- she was merely reacting to his neglectful and uncaring behaviour.

But I genuinely want to understand your situation and specific examples of things your ex did which turned you off, because sometimes I struggle to delineate between a rational response to bad behaviour versus clingyness, insecurity and possessiveness. Thanks.

This warrants a whole new thread... I will try to provide some examples.

From the start, constant communication via internet and phone. Became irritated when i took a little while to respond at times. 2-3 times, because i took around 0,5-2 hours to respond, she asked me "so, that was it with us?".

She wanted to know at all times what i felt about her and our relationship. She didn't want me to have any female friends. She freaked out when i received a message on my phone during our date from a female friend of mine.

She constantly said negative things about herself and about her being unworthy of love. I had to constantly compliment her and say to her those things weren't true.

She feared and didn't trust men in general. She told me many times, especially after the "so that's it with us?" part, that "you are all the same". She was thinking all the time that after we get to have sex, i will dump her. So she didn't give us the opportunity to become intimate and made far too many excuses to avoid that, all the while leading me on by saying how much attracted she was to me and how perfect i was for her.

She didn't trust me, even though i was perfectly honest with her, about everything. Not a single lie or omission. I always tell the truth, about everything. It's funny, because for people in general and women in particular, it seems the more you lie the more they believe you, it's the truth they don't get.

She also played games. She was never direct. She said things just to make me feel bad. For example when she felt we had a disagreement, later in the day she would tell me how bad she felt and that she hadn't eaten all day and that her head hurts because of our argument... I think she also made up some excuses to not see me certain days, or test me in other ways.

In general, she was a pain. I am not that desperate, i am good looking, intelligent, educated, and honorable. I don't need that **** in my life.

I never gave her a single reason to be distrustful. The only, only thing, was that message from my female friend. After her nagging and crying, i showed her the whole Skype logs with her, and offered to call her right then and there and talk with her to see we are just friends.

Edited October 5, 2015 by Christos

October 5, 2015

I see this from his perspective and your perspective, because I was in your shoes before!

His perspective:

I am not responsible for how you feel, you need to learn how to manage your emotions. You need to grow up and stop crying over little things.

Your perspective:

I feel hurt because he is not giving me enough attention and that it seems that he is taking me for granted.

At least this is what I get from your post. But no matter what, a guy who loves his girl, will never ignore the girl when she cries. If he truly loves you, seeing you cry will break his heart. It also seems as though he is at his limit with you being all paranoid and insecure. He can't see how he could live with you in the future with your current and previous dramas and episodes. But I also hope that you'll see that this is not the kind of relationship you should be in. This is not good for your mental health, especially you mention that you have been in abusive relationships before.

My bf always tells me this whenever I say I want to change my behvaior: " Change for yourself, not for me, not for anyone, but for yourself." And after he sees the change in me, our relationship improved!

October 5, 2015

This warrants a whole new thread... I will try to provide some examples.

From the start, constant communication via internet and phone. Became irritated when i took a little while to respond at times. 2-3 times, because i took around 0,5-2 hours to respond, she asked me "so, that was it with us?".

She wanted to know at all times what i felt about her and our relationship. She didn't want me to have any female friends. She freaked out when i received a message on my phone during our date from a female friend of mine.

She constantly said negative things about herself and about her being unworthy of love. I had to constantly compliment her and say to her those things weren't true.

She feared and didn't trust men in general. She told me many times, especially after the "so that's it with us?" part, that "you are all the same". She was thinking all the time that after we get to have sex, i will dump her. So she didn't give us the opportunity to become intimate and made far too many excuses to avoid that, all the while leading me on by saying how much attracted she was to me and how perfect i was for her.

She didn't trust me, even though i was perfectly honest with her, about everything. Not a single lie or omission. I always tell the truth, about everything. It's funny, because for people in general and women in particular, it seems the more you lie the more they believe you, it's the truth they don't get.

She also played games. She was never direct. She said things just to make me feel bad. For example when she felt we had a disagreement, later in the day she would tell me how bad she felt and that she hadn't eaten all day and that her head hurts because of our argument... I think she also made up some excuses to not see me certain days, or test me in other ways.

In general, she was a pain. I am not that desperate, i am good looking, intelligent, educated, and honorable. I don't need that **** in my life.

I never gave her a single reason to be distrustful. The only, only thing, was that message from my female friend. After her nagging and crying, i showed her the whole Skype logs with her, and offered to call her right then and there and talk with her to see we are just friends.

Thank you for your lengthy response. I don't want to derail this thread but i must ask, would a girl be considered needy or clingy if she asked her boyfriend if something was wrong in reaction to him creating distance after sharing intimate moments together? For example, a guy spends the might with his girlfriend and doesn't contact her the next day / generally starts behaving distant. The girl ends up contacting him first and asking "if something is wrong"? This scene plays out a few more times. Would you categorise the girl as needy and clingy in these circumstances or as a rational and normal person reacting to negative behaviour?

Thanks.

October 5, 2015

My boyfriend and I are in our early twenties. My boyfriend is younger than me. For as long as I remember I have had trouble with my self esteem and I am insecure. At first my boyfriend loved and cared for me, when I had moments when I felt I wasn't good enough he would talk calmly and I would feel better.
There have been times when I have felt hurt because of the little things he does, like if he promised to hang out with me, I kept waiting and he hangs out with his friends instead. Or he just forgot. And I tend to cry over those little things.
Later he started being colder and indifferent towards me. He broke his promises, cancelled our date thrice and barely talked to me. I asked him why he is like that now and all he says that the drama I create over trivial things has made him harden himself and now he doesn't care anymore. He doesn't like spending time with me. He went to say that before he was madly in love with me but after seeing my darker side, he doesn't think I am the same person he loved and that I am not good enough. I thought if I stop being so insecure things will be better, so I started working on myself, but I resented him for how he treated me.
Recently we had an argument during my birthday (regarding him spending time with other girls and gifting them, while he barely spends time with me) when I asked if we could talk to resolve matters, he ignored me and continued playing video games. Out of anger and crying I just lashed out how I am hurt over his attitude over the months. I resent him for his indifference while I continue to care for him. I stormed off saying he doesn't speak to me again.
His reaction was that he blocked and deleted me from everywhere because "all he does is hurt me and this is what I had wanted". I was devastated.
We talked about the situation. He revealed he doesn't feel anything for me, yet he cares about me and respects me, thinks I am a great girl etc. but he thinks I am not good enough. And that I keep creating drama when there is no "issue". For one week I am normal then I lash out again. While as a reaction he keeps growing indifferent. He said he cant backtrack and be happy again like me nor forget such events, and that I will never change so its better if we part ways because he isn't even sure if he wants me in his life now. And he is sure I will repeat my mistake again and again, and things will get worse. I am beyond hope. I have too much of expectations and he keeps disappointing me.
He also added if we do work on our relationship, I will have to deal with the less communication than before, more indifference, so I am setting myself up for pain. If I dont mind all that then he is okay with it. But he doesn't think things cant be the same as before.
I never felt so bad in my life. Sure I had been in abusive relationships before. But I know I cant hold that as responsible for my behavior. I really do want to change. I feel terrible because I really do love him. I just want things to be the same as they were before but his indifference isn't helping and is driving me crazy, whenever I point this out, he says he cant help it. Can I salvage my relationship?

I'm so sorry for your pain. Please read up on "Attachment Styles". From what you've described, you'd most likely fall under the "anxious" category whilst your ex appears to have an avoidant attachment style. People exhibition anxious attachment style trends should ideally be paired with partners with a secure attachment style. Read up on it and you'll understand that you're not "crazy".

I don't think this guy you've described will or in fact has the capacity to fulfil your emotional needs.

October 5, 2015

Thank you for your lengthy response. I don't want to derail this thread but i must ask, would a girl be considered needy or clingy if she asked her boyfriend if something was wrong in reaction to him creating distance after sharing intimate moments together? For example, a guy spends the might with his girlfriend and doesn't contact her the next day / generally starts behaving distant. The girl ends up contacting him first and asking "if something is wrong"? This scene plays out a few more times. Would you categorise the girl as needy and clingy in these circumstances or as a rational and normal person reacting to negative behaviour?

Thanks.

In general, people in relationships should have daily contact. Doesn't matter if you spend the night before together. Someone acting distant is generally something of concern. So no, a girl is not "clingy" in that situation. Clingy is something like "20 phonecalls a day, 2 hours total, 500 messages" etc. Actually, that's insane

Still, a person should never ask "if something is wrong" right away every time something seems off. This comes of as slightly needish.

October 5, 2015

Well.... When I read your post OP, I thought to myself if i was the BF, I would running so fast!

But I am a confident person - perhaps an overly confident person - and I just can't do / needy / low self worth / sensitive people. I am all wrong for them. I bulldoze over their feelings, and find myself resentful of their dramatic and irrational responses. I find dealing with people like this draining - and I grow to resent them - which leads to them feeling bad - which makes me respect them even less..... It's all bad!

So no OP, I don't see any reason to try to salvage this relationship. There are other fish in the sea - this sounds like a poor match.

And I think counseling would be a good idea, its cliche, but there is something to "no one can love you if you can't love yourself".

And with a higher sense of self - comes confidence - and with confidence - an intolerance to getting treated like a door mat.

October 5, 2015

Thank you for your lengthy response. I don't want to derail this thread but i must ask, would a girl be considered needy or clingy if she asked her boyfriend if something was wrong in reaction to him creating distance after sharing intimate moments together? For example, a guy spends the might with his girlfriend and doesn't contact her the next day / generally starts behaving distant. The girl ends up contacting him first and asking "if something is wrong"? This scene plays out a few more times. Would you categorise the girl as needy and clingy in these circumstances or as a rational and normal person reacting to negative behaviour?

Thanks.

If a man did this to me a few times I'd be gone.

October 5, 2015

This warrants a whole new thread... I will try to provide some examples.

From the start, constant communication via internet and phone. Became irritated when i took a little while to respond at times. 2-3 times, because i took around 0,5-2 hours to respond, she asked me "so, that was it with us?".

She wanted to know at all times what i felt about her and our relationship. She didn't want me to have any female friends. She freaked out when i received a message on my phone during our date from a female friend of mine.

She constantly said negative things about herself and about her being unworthy of love. I had to constantly compliment her and say to her those things weren't true.

She feared and didn't trust men in general. She told me many times, especially after the "so that's it with us?" part, that "you are all the same". She was thinking all the time that after we get to have sex, i will dump her. So she didn't give us the opportunity to become intimate and made far too many excuses to avoid that, all the while leading me on by saying how much attracted she was to me and how perfect i was for her.

She didn't trust me, even though i was perfectly honest with her, about everything. Not a single lie or omission. I always tell the truth, about everything. It's funny, because for people in general and women in particular, it seems the more you lie the more they believe you, it's the truth they don't get.

She also played games. She was never direct. She said things just to make me feel bad. For example when she felt we had a disagreement, later in the day she would tell me how bad she felt and that she hadn't eaten all day and that her head hurts because of our argument... I think she also made up some excuses to not see me certain days, or test me in other ways.

In general, she was a pain. I am not that desperate, i am good looking, intelligent, educated, and honorable. I don't need that **** in my life.

I never gave her a single reason to be distrustful. The only, only thing, was that message from my female friend. After her nagging and crying, i showed her the whole Skype logs with her, and offered to call her right then and there and talk with her to see we are just friends.

Provided this is exactly how things happened, your experience seems legitimate as well as interpretations of events.

However, you are making a mistake on this particular thread because you are projecting all of your experience onto OP, and treating her as if she were the girl you dated.

You are so blinded by your own experience with insecure ex, that if there is another woman who is insecure you will immediately put her in the same box with the ex.

The OP in this thread had triggers that would put almost anyone over the top. The only thing now about OP is that she should leave him alone, and pursue some real life instead.

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My boyfriend is being cold and indifferent because of my insecurities and paranoia.

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