rach0019 Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 I'm pretty shocked right now. I'll keep the background info short, but my ex boyfriend and I were together long distance (same state, just far away, but we did get to see eachother a few times) and we're both 17. We always had a great relationship, we never fought and he always worked with me instead of getting mad to solve little problems. I felt comfortable with him from the start. He would always say he knew I was his "soulmate" and that he "knew he would marry me one day". Ha. We broke up the very beginning of July. Things started to get bad the last month of our relationship, and it was honestly probably my fault. I was in an awful place with depression so I had very little patience for when he was busy and didn't reply to my texts quickly or didn't FaceTime me when I wanted to, and I would get mad. I remember he'd sometimes spend an hour on Facetime trying to cheer me up. I told him it was bothering me and he apologized and said he'd try his best because "he never wanted to lose me". The morning we broke up I had asked him if anything was up and he told me no and that he loved me so so much and that he was trying so hard to talk to me more. I asked him to call me and he broke up with me. Apparently the distance was getting too hard and he was too busy so he thought it wasn't fair to me. HE reached out to ME a little bit afterwards asking if we could stay friends because he would be glad to do so. I worked really hard on my depression over the summer and made a huge improvement. We texted twice (he even texted me first once) and it felt like nothing had even happened between us. Once I was back to normal, it became clear how unfair I was to him. I was embarrassed and wanted to apologize. So, with the help of the writing text skills of my friends, I sent him this: "Hey so ik I'm waaay late but better late than never so I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for the way I treated you while we were together, I was in a really ****ty place and didn't realize what I was doing but now that I'm not it's pretty clear that I was an ass to you and you didn't deserve that. I prob made you feel ****ty af when I got mad at you for being busy and stuff, I don't know why I wasn't understanding about it. so I'm sorry I didn't realize this sooner and sorry if this seems weird or random af lol I just feel like you deserve an apology so I wanted to go for it, btw I totally get it if you don't want to talk or anything but you were always a great friend to me so I was hoping that we could be cool again at some point:)" And never got a reply. I'm confused, upset, and pretty hurt. I was hoping for a reply at least, but my main goal was friendship, as he had said he wanted. I now know that he probably doesn't care, and that I need to try to begin to get over him. I don't understand why he didn't reply. I don't know for sure that he read it, but I don't know how he couldn't have. He meant a lot to me, and I think it was the same for him, because he sure acted like it. I almost want to text him something and tell him that I take it back if he doesn't even have the decency to reply, but I'm not going to stoop down to that. Can someone add some insight? At this point, what do I do? None of this is adding up, I just don't get it. I would understand if I was being annoying and texting him all the time, but this is the first time I had reached out to him in months. He is not a mean person so I'm in disbelief that he didn't give any kind of response. We didn't get in any kind of fight, there has been nothing between now and the breakup that would make him be mad at me because we weren't even in contact. I'm extremely paranoid that he's seen my posts on forums about him asking for help despite the fact that I haven't said any names or anything. I doubt he has, but I just don't know.
CarrieT Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 For starters, you don't know if he received the text. He might have blocked you. Secondly, if you really want to communicate with him, why don't you call and TALK to him instead of texting? Lastly, I think the ship has sailed and you are best just moving on...
Author rach0019 Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 For starters, you don't know if he received the text. He might have blocked you. Secondly, if you really want to communicate with him, why don't you call and TALK to him instead of texting? Lastly, I think the ship has sailed and you are best just moving on... That's always a possibility, but I don't know why he would've blocked me. And if he won't even answer a text, why would I call him, because he most likely wouldn't even pick up? That becomes more messy than a text depending on whether I leave a voicemail or send a follow up text asking him to call me back.
louxor Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 (edited) I'm pretty shocked right now. I'll keep the background info short, but my ex boyfriend and I were together long distance (same state, just far away, but we did get to see eachother a few times) and we're both 17. We always had a great relationship, we never fought and he always worked with me instead of getting mad to solve little problems. I felt comfortable with him from the start. He would always say he knew I was his "soulmate" and that he "knew he would marry me one day". Ha. We broke up the very beginning of July. Things started to get bad the last month of our relationship, and it was honestly probably my fault. I was in an awful place with depression so I had very little patience for when he was busy and didn't reply to my texts quickly or didn't FaceTime me when I wanted to, and I would get mad. I remember he'd sometimes spend an hour on Facetime trying to cheer me up. I told him it was bothering me and he apologized and said he'd try his best because "he never wanted to lose me". The morning we broke up I had asked him if anything was up and he told me no and that he loved me so so much and that he was trying so hard to talk to me more. I asked him to call me and he broke up with me. Apparently the distance was getting too hard and he was too busy so he thought it wasn't fair to me. HE reached out to ME a little bit afterwards asking if we could stay friends because he would be glad to do so. I worked really hard on my depression over the summer and made a huge improvement. We texted twice (he even texted me first once) and it felt like nothing had even happened between us. Once I was back to normal, it became clear how unfair I was to him. I was embarrassed and wanted to apologize. So, with the help of the writing text skills of my friends, I sent him this: "Hey so ik I'm waaay late but better late than never so I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for the way I treated you while we were together, I was in a really ****ty place and didn't realize what I was doing but now that I'm not it's pretty clear that I was an ass to you and you didn't deserve that. I prob made you feel ****ty af when I got mad at you for being busy and stuff, I don't know why I wasn't understanding about it. so I'm sorry I didn't realize this sooner and sorry if this seems weird or random af lol I just feel like you deserve an apology so I wanted to go for it, btw I totally get it if you don't want to talk or anything but you were always a great friend to me so I was hoping that we could be cool again at some point:)" And never got a reply. I'm confused, upset, and pretty hurt. I was hoping for a reply at least, but my main goal was friendship, as he had said he wanted. I now know that he probably doesn't care, and that I need to try to begin to get over him. I don't understand why he didn't reply. I don't know for sure that he read it, but I don't know how he couldn't have. He meant a lot to me, and I think it was the same for him, because he sure acted like it. I almost want to text him something and tell him that I take it back if he doesn't even have the decency to reply, but I'm not going to stoop down to that. Can someone add some insight? At this point, what do I do? None of this is adding up, I just don't get it. I would understand if I was being annoying and texting him all the time, but this is the first time I had reached out to him in months. He is not a mean person so I'm in disbelief that he didn't give any kind of response. We didn't get in any kind of fight, there has been nothing between now and the breakup that would make him be mad at me because we weren't even in contact. I'm extremely paranoid that he's seen my posts on forums about him asking for help despite the fact that I haven't said any names or anything. I doubt he has, but I just don't know. You just contradicted yourself. Why would you say in the message that you were cool if he didn't want to talk yet you're posting about how upset you are because he didn't talk? If it were me in his shoes (keeping in mind I am more forgiving that most) and you had treated me ****ty in a relationship, I wouldn't be able to accept this apology right away. Why? Because you treated me like **** and that takes time to heal. I would eventually get back to you saying thank you and wish you the best, but that's coming from a forgiving person. Don't be surprised if you never hear from him, or not for a long while at that. Some people take a long time to forgive others for treating them poorly. He may have even taken this as a crappy cop-out you're sending to help ease your guilt Edited October 4, 2015 by louxor
ExpatInItaly Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 What did you want him to say, exactly? I think your message was well-intentioned but that doesn't mean it warrants a response. He might have read it and just thought you said your piece and there was nothing more to add. He ended the relationship so it shoudln't be too surprising that he hasn't responded. That's what happens when couples break up. Keep in mind he could be dating others too, and responding to you might not be a wise idea. In the end, it's better if he doesn't respond. You apologized which was nice, but it's time to let go. Him responding would probably drag this on further when he already ended it. Sometimes we don't see it in the moment, but looking back someday you will probably see how it was better for your healing not to hear from him.
pidgeon1010 Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 He has probably moved on and is dating again. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain and dumpers tend to offer friendship to lessen the blow of the breakup, most have no intentions of maintaining contact (especially if he/she meets someone new). Friendships come in all forms so to him, maybe it meant checking in to see how you are doing once in blue moon. From your previous posts, it doesn't seem like he blamed you for the relationship ending. He just didn't want to do long distance anymore. It sounds like like he is done. You should respect that. He ended the relationship and hasn't really kept in touch so it shouldn't be surprising that he didn't respond to your text (which didn't warrant a response). He may reach out sometime but right now the only thing you know for a fact based on his actions is that he is moving on and you should do the same.
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 This is why you should only apologise if you truly want to say you're sorry. It seems like you wanted to apologise, in order to gain a response from him and into the future, retain his friendship, time etc. If you truly were as much of an ass to him as you describe, he probably read the message and: a) didn't give it a second thought because he's moved on b) got angry that you thought a text would somehow make your behaviour right again and deleted it or c) didn't actually get it because he's changed his number or blocked you. If you wanted to apologise because you know you were an ass and you simply want to be the bigger person, own up to your mistakes and say sorry then that's fine (although once the relationship is totally over I question who that actually benefits... him? Or you?). But you apologised to get a reaction and now you're not getting it, it's driving you up the wall. You treated him badly, you lost him. Take that learning into the future, and figure out how you can avoid being such a person in future relationships. And leave your ex alone to move on and be happy alone or with somebody new. It doesn't sound like it is going to do either of you much good trying to be 'friends' after the way it ended.
organizedchaos Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 That's always a possibility, but I don't know why he would've blocked me. And if he won't even answer a text, why would I call him, because he most likely wouldn't even pick up? That becomes more messy than a text depending on whether I leave a voicemail or send a follow up text asking him to call me back. Because he is likely following No Contact. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/495016-consolidated-discussion-no-contact-guide-no-contact-process-experience It's been 3 months, and it is long distance. He has likely moved on.
Author rach0019 Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 He has probably moved on and is dating again. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain and dumpers tend to offer friendship to lessen the blow of the breakup, most have no intentions of maintaining contact (especially if he/she meets someone new). Friendships come in all forms so to him, maybe it meant checking in to see how you are doing once in blue moon. From your previous posts, it doesn't seem like he blamed you for the relationship ending. He just didn't want to do long distance anymore. It sounds like like he is done. You should respect that. He ended the relationship and hasn't really kept in touch so it shouldn't be surprising that he didn't respond to your text (which didn't warrant a response). He may reach out sometime but right now the only thing you know for a fact based on his actions is that he is moving on and you should do the same. Yeah I know you're right about the offer of friendship thing, but I'm confused as to why he would go out of his way to offer and then confirm that he still wanted to two weeks later, and even text me first to start a conversation? I just feel like that's taking the whole thing a little too far, and in a way it's kind of cruel as I'm sure he was aware that it would probably get my hopes up. But thank you, I'm trying my best to move on.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Yeah I know you're right about the offer of friendship thing, but I'm confused as to why he would go out of his way to offer and then confirm that he still wanted to two weeks later, and even text me first to start a conversation? I just feel like that's taking the whole thing a little too far, and in a way it's kind of cruel as I'm sure he was aware that it would probably get my hopes up. But thank you, I'm trying my best to move on. But he didn't really go out of his way, because saying those words isn't difficult. I think you're putting more weight into that than he intended. It's actually quite simple to offer friendship, especially if you have no intentions of really following through. He probably also cares for you on some level and didn't want to hurt you, hence him texting you first one time. I would try to learn from this experience moving forward. Being upset and angry a lot, and being demanding and difficult to please, are very draining on a partner who is trying to make you happy. It just isn't sustainable long-term, particularly when you're long-distance. Ask yourself what the heck was making you so agitated and work on addressing those issues within yourself. If it was connected to something he was/wasn't doing, figure out how you can more effectively and calmly communicates your needs and feelings in future relationships. Very few guys are going to tolerate that for very long. This is a great opportunity to learn more about yourself and improve.
Author rach0019 Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 You just contradicted yourself. Why would you say in the message that you were cool if he didn't want to talk yet you're posting about how upset you are because he didn't talk? If it were me in his shoes (keeping in mind I am more forgiving that most) and you had treated me ****ty in a relationship, I wouldn't be able to accept this apology right away. Why? Because you treated me like **** and that takes time to heal. I would eventually get back to you saying thank you and wish you the best, but that's coming from a forgiving person. Don't be surprised if you never hear from him, or not for a long while at that. Some people take a long time to forgive others for treating them poorly. He may have even taken this as a crappy cop-out you're sending to help ease your guilt Believe it or not he actually replied really sincerely earlier this afternoon, I'm pretty surprised. Thanks for your advice!
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