The Problem with Girls Liking Confidence

[johan]

Girls always say they love confidence in guys.

 

Not only women, but everyone has more respect for men who respect themselves.

 

Yet at the same time, you constantly have girls complaining about getting pumped and dumped by players, and how they can never find guys who really like them. The funny thing is, the more attracted to a girl a guy is, the less confident he is going to be around them.

 

Not true. Players are not confident men. They tend to be extremely insecure. And nervousness does not equal lack of confidence. A guy who has the courage to fight through the nervousness he feels around a woman he really likes is likely to earn her respect, assuming she's someone worth being around.

 

Now on the other hand, there are girls who I am super attracted to, yet other guys I've talked to don't find them hot at all. When I talk to these girls, I am super awkward, and can barely speak. They probably think I'm a total wimp.

 

This nervousness isn't necessarily a lack of belief in yourself. You don't have to be a ladies man to be an impressive one. So what if you're nervous? A woman who has empathy and understanding is going to have it for you. And one who doesn't will never be worth having, no matter which Kardashian she most resembles. If you believe in yourself generally, that's better than just having a way with women. The players I've known tended to have pretty pathetic lives outside the bedroom.

 

Ladies, if a guy comes up to you 100% sure of himself, you should be thinking "wow this ******* doesn't even think I'm hot enough to be nervous around". And when a guy comes up to you noticeably sweaty, you should think "ahhh he must be very attracted to me, I should give him a shot".

 

And yes, if you're wondering, I just screwed up with a girl who I was very attracted to tonight because I acted like a wimp. So I feel very strongly that you all should take my advice.

 

You don't have confidence. That's evident not because you were nervous with her, but because you think it's all on you. You choose to blame yourself and to devalue yourself. Do you think you're meant to be with every woman you're attracted to? Why be so self-centered to think it's all about you, and so full of self hate to take the blame for what you can't really control? Confidence is not about succeeding every time you try. It's about taking your inevitable failures in stride and knowing your place in the world.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Ah, again, a lot of people wish they could be as ugly as me.

You are adorable!!!

[jam.over.jelly]

You are adorable!!!

 

Forgive me, but I Wasn't trying to be arrogant, regarding the context of my post

[Guyouthere]

Forgive me, but I Wasn't trying to be arrogant, regarding the context of my post

 

smoked fish. hehehe

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

What?? PEOPLE are "expected" to gain their confidence from feeling good about themselves and have some pride in themselves and how they are living their lives. What is so horrid about that?? What do YOU think would be confidence building for yourself??

 

Well we're expected to get it from our own lives

[Maggie4]

OP, don't be hard on yourself for being nervous with your gal. Women are more clever than you think! We can tell the difference between a nervous confident man, and a wimpy man. If we couldn't, the whole human race will suffer the consequences

[E-Squared]

I have heard it so many times from friends of mine and all student about how confidence is the key to attracting women, or if I am having trouble approaching women, I am always given "Be confident" or "You have to have confidence," instead of real advice. Hell, this article here states the truth. I have even read threads where guys claim that if someone gains confidence, then women will start approaching them and hitting on them, as if it were like how the AXE commercials present themselves, which I find absurd.

 

Now I am rather confident in some areas, so I am rather self-assured when it comes to certain things that I am into and such. Now I am not without insecurities. In fact, I don't think anybody is without insecurity, because it's a natural thing that people go through. If anybody is, well I would respect that person, but I don't see how that would be possible.

 

First off, my main insecurity when it comes to approaching women is that I usually fear that I might give them the wrong vibe. I have had a lot of experience where a woman thought I was weird and creepy, because I had come off too strong in trying to approach them. Granted, it's something that I realized and tried to work on, but because I am no stranger to being looked at that way, it had become a problem that it kept me from even trying to go after women. Most people would shrug it off and say to just let that stuff go and "Be confident," but it's easier said than done. For example, I have my eye on a TA in my class. She is roughly my age and I know that she is there to do her job. However, I mainly ask for her help, but I also make a little small-talk in the process. I don't do it too often. Why? Because I don't want to feel like I am bothering her.

 

So that is one of the main reasons why I don't have much of a history with women, mainly because of that insecurity, but in other areas I am rather confident enough. I do also try talking to women sometimes, so it's not like the insecurity I have has too much influence in me trying to approach women. Now I would say that I am good-looking and have been told that. I am not thin, as I am averagely overweight, but I work out quite often and active. I would say that I'm somewhat of an average build. Now when going swimming at places, I still wear a shirt, and it's not because I am ashamed of my build. It's because of other things that I am insecure about, like body hair for instance. Of course, that could be taken care of.

 

As for what I had mentioned in the first paragraph, I am sure that a lot of other guys have heard that before.

[thecrucible]

First off, my main insecurity when it comes to approaching women is that I usually fear that I might give them the wrong vibe. I have had a lot of experience where a woman thought I was weird and creepy, because I had come off too strong in trying to approach them.

 

Aw sorry to hear that. . It's hard to know what's too strong and what's not and how to make sure you're really putting an effort in so she'll notice. I don't think every man has natural skills to approach effortlessly and they put themselves under so much pressure to do that. I think that's okay. It's good to not care about the outcome so you don't inadvertently show that you're nervous underneath. It also helps when you socialise in a group or get to know someone through a mutual interest - easy icebreaker and no pressure to succeed in the moment.

 

However, I mainly ask for her help, but I also make a little small-talk in the process. I don't do it too often. Why? Because I don't want to feel like I am bothering her.

 

No don't think that. Nothing wrong with small talk and if someone doesn't respond to your friendliness then that's their loss. I know this from experience as I am one of those misunderstood types. People make instant judgements about me because I'm shy at first and sound posh so they think that I don't like people. What you're talking about happens to women too because a lot of men get dazzled by social butterflies. I totally get why but there is room in the world for lots of personalities.

 

Now I would say that I am good-looking and have been told that. I am not thin, as I am averagely overweight, but I work out quite often and active. I would say that I'm somewhat of an average build. Now when going swimming at places, I still wear a shirt, and it's not because I am ashamed of my build. It's because of other things that I am insecure about, like body hair for instance. Of course, that could be taken care of.

 

You're obsessing way too much about this. As long as you scrub up reasonably well and know how to put on a nice shirt for a date then that's all you really need to worry about. A lot of women aren't going to be that picky about this sort of thing.

[MissBee]

The swagger of a player is easy to spot and is rather different, IME, than being a normal confident person. I don't see why confidence is being equated to overblown ego. I find the latter a turn off personally and usually guys who are over-confident do it to mask insecurities.

 

Confidence for me is a more normal quality in which a man is sure of himself. It's not that he never experiences shyness or being tongue-tied or anything, but that in his general disposition in life he believes in himself, feels like a valuable and worthy person and thus carries himself as such. Confidence isn't the absence of any fear or uncertainty to me, it just means that your major disposition is one of self-assurance and not where you're self-loathing and painfully awkward, self-deprecating and so on.

 

All my boyfriends, and men I tend to like, I would describe as quietly confident. They were usually more reserved or stoic seeming, they weren't the life of the party, loud, brash, players or anything. They were observers who had no problems approaching a woman they felt was worth their time or reciprocating if she reached out. They had a lot going for them and knew it...but they weren't proud, conceited, cocky braggarts who swagger up to women and try to bed them. In fact, most of my boyfriends I'd say were confident types who I guess seemed more "mysterious" so usually them being involved with a woman had to be a two way street of some form of mutually expressed interest and not them necessarily swaggering up to a woman whose radar they're not on and bedding her.

Edited October 21, 2015 by MissBee

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

That's why it irritates me whenever people say you are never too old for dating and relationships

[marychapman]

The swagger of a player is easy to spot and is rather different, IME, than being a normal confident person. I don't see why confidence is being equated to overblown ego. I find the latter a turn off personally and usually guys who are over-confident do it to mask insecurities.

 

Confidence for me is a more normal quality in which a man is sure of himself. It's not that he never experiences shyness or being tongue-tied or anything, but that in his general disposition in life he believes in himself, feels like a valuable and worthy person and thus carries himself as such. Confidence isn't the absence of any fear or uncertainty to me, it just means that your major disposition is one of self-assurance and not where you're self-loathing and painfully awkward, self-deprecating and so on.

 

All my boyfriends, and men I tend to like, I would describe as quietly confident. They were usually more reserved or stoic seeming, they weren't the life of the party, loud, brash, players or anything. They were observers who had no problems approaching a woman they felt was worth their time or reciprocating if she reached out. They had a lot going for them and knew it...but they weren't proud, conceited, cocky braggarts who swagger up to women and try to bed them. In fact, most of my boyfriends I'd say were confident types who I guess seemed more "mysterious" so usually them being involved with a woman had to be a two way street of some form of mutually expressed interest and not them necessarily swaggering up to a woman whose radar they're not on and bedding her.

 

You summed it up nicely. That`s the "type" to go for.