The Problem with Girls Liking Confidence

[StocksnBlondes]

Mrydii, you really do seem to be missing the OPs point on this one.

He is not talking about whether he is attractive or not.

He is saying that if a guy is really attracted to a girl, then he is naturally going to be a bit more nervous (less confident) hitting on her than if his attraction to her is minimal.

 

You even say yourself "nerves get activated when attention is piqued". This is the OPs point. Women who overvalue confidence would be put off by such display of nerves.

 

I would personally be put off with a guy's inability to overcome his nervousness ...not completely overcome it as I've had a few dates who had a verbal blooper if you will on a first date and I just laugh it off as his nerves but ...like I said ...nervousness or really liking me will show in other ways as in a guy trying to impress me ... I like guys who are more evolved in that manner.

 

However thinly veiled a guys nervousness (and woman are very observant and can see) I find it very endearing and adorable

 

OP ...in essence I agree with you ...just try to move beyond your nervousness (it's a learned skill)...so transferring that energy into doing little things to impress a girl ...even if it's telling a stupid joke ...that way you are thinking outwardly instead of inwardly ...making it not about you but about her. FYI ...that nervous energy has to go somewhere so make the most of it.

Edited October 7, 2015 by StocksnBlondes

[Revan32]

So you approached and hooked up w/women you weren't attracted to because of peer pressure?

 

But seriously dude, why waste your time on women you don't want in the first place? Makes no sense.

 

No i'd have hooked up with them regardless. There are numerous reasons why. I was horny, I feel bad turning down girls, even though I don't target girls with big backsides I can still appreciate them. Stuff like that.

 

just try to move beyond your nervousness (it's a learned skill)...so transferring that energy into doing little things to impress a girl ...even if it's telling a stupid joke ...that way you are thinking outwardly instead of inwardly ...making it not about you but about her. FYI ...that nervous energy has to go somewhere so make the most of it.

 

Yeah I'm working on it. I think moving across country to a place were i know no one has thrown me off my game somewhat. I need to get out and interact with people more.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

What I personally hate about confidence is what us guys are expected to gain our confidence from

[Stage5Clinger]

Girls always say they love confidence in guys. Yet at the same time, you constantly have girls complaining about getting pumped and dumped by players, and how they can never find guys who really like them. The funny thing is, the more attracted to a girl a guy is, the less confident he is going to be around them.

 

Yeah, but girls will never get it. They are driven 100% by emotions and are incapable of using rationality when it comes to these things.

[Celeste.Carol]

I think this really depends on if they are true womanizers and players and not wanna be players. True players are going to be able to approach a women their equal and they find stunning and attracted to and never lose cool or words.

 

 

Their motive is not establishing a long lasting relationship and when they do it is usually someone they can control and still run a game on and run around gaming others, pull the wool over their eyes.

[Celeste.Carol]

* I have to add not sure clubs scenes and that sort, but am talking about a really good looking heart surgeon etc., these men if womanizers do not sweat or act nervous in any situation, regardless of attraction.

[Trane]

Girls always say they love confidence in guys. Yet at the same time, you constantly have girls complaining about getting pumped and dumped by players, and how they can never find guys who really like them. The funny thing is, the more attracted to a girl a guy is, the less confident he is going to be around them.

 

I've hooked up with some very attractive women in my time. Girls that had bodies that could give a Kardashian girl a run for her money. I approached them acting very confident and sexy and took them home within an hour of meeting them. The thing is, I didn't think they were that attractive. My friends were raging about how hot they were, but I wasn't impressed. They just weren't my type.

 

Now on the other hand, there are girls who I am super attracted to, yet other guys I've talked to don't find them hot at all. When I talk to these girls, I am super awkward, and can barely speak. They probably think I'm a total wimp.

 

Ladies, if a guy comes up to you 100% sure of himself, you should be thinking "wow this ******* doesn't even think I'm hot enough to be nervous around". And when a guy comes up to you noticeably sweaty, you should think "ahhh he must be very attracted to me, I should give him a shot".

 

And yes, if you're wondering, I just screwed up with a girl who I was very attracted to tonight because I acted like a wimp. So I feel very strongly that you all should take my advice.

 

Confidence doesn't mean a thing if she's not attracted to you. If you don't have the physical requirements she desires from her checklist, having all the confidence in the world to approach her wont apply to you because it won't do you any good.

 

From what I've learned and experienced, women hope that a man with height, hair, good looks and money has all the confidence in the world to approach her. She couldn't care less how confident a man is if he falls outside her physical preferences. If she's insecure about herself or seeks public approval about the man on her arm, confidence won't get you anywhere with her.

[Mendalore]

Gotta disagree with that one, Trane.

 

Last girl I dated was an easy 9 looks-wise. I'm a good 20lbs overweight, receding hairline, about 5'11", and make a decent living, far from rich. I'm a 6, 7 on a good day, and that's being generous.

 

She was attracted to my openness, light-heartedness, sense of humor, intelligence, and confidence. She gave me a chance because she wasn't absolutely repulsed by me and it worked out FANTASTICALLY for a little while.

 

Unfortunately, after about 3 months I, like Revan probably, was still so deeply enamored and concerned about retaining this fantastic, funny, intelligent, beautiful woman that I probably got a little too second-guessing, ambivalent, or otherwise unstable in order to try and make her happy.

 

I *think* girls want a guy who makes her happy without trying to make her happy.

 

I *think* confidence is entirely possible while still appearing nervous as long as you can get the words out and still be yourself. Remember, bravery is about acting despite fear rather than the absence, thereof.

 

I *think* that if they give you an initial chance despite being a little nervous, you're good as long as that nervousness doesn't INCREASE over time. As your comfort level grows with one another that should ideally go away (yeah, I know it doesn't always), not get worse, so if/when it resurfaces after you've been dating a while, her attraction to you could take a serious hit.

 

Ladies? Please correct me if I'm wrong. I'm on a learning journey as well and don't claim to really know *anything*.

 

I really wish I hadn't made these mistakes, because I saw a lot of potential with that girl. Granted, it's a little weird being 31 years old and not really having much relationship experience. I dated one girl for a year back in 2004, then a girl for about 6 months in 2012, now this one for 3 in 2015. At this rate I'll get another that'll last about 1.5 months in 2017!!! Hoping to change that, but needless to say, I don't have a lot of relationship experience. I was scared to death of asking women out in my 20s.

Edited October 8, 2015 by Mendalore

[GravityMan]

Several issues with your original post, OP.

 

1) What you're assuming to be confidence sounds more like arrogance to me. Players are often arrogant...they deliberately act that way because it's a necessary component of their agenda. There's a lack of genuineness or realness in their behavior and actions...although some players can mask it well, similar to good con artists.

 

2) Confidence isn't binary and it isn't an on-off switch. Real confidence comes naturally and is usually built up over time with past successes and support from good people. That said, I don't think there's a single human being on earth that is confident 100% of the time. Everyone has insecurities. Everyone gets nervous every now and then. Everyone second-guesses themselves every once in awhile. These things are human nature. Therefore just because some guy is a little nervous around a woman doesn't mean that he lacks confidence and it doesn't mean that confidence is overrated or unimportant. Confidence is a big part of self-esteem. Self-esteem is obviously important. A truly confident person is generally consistent in how he carries himself...whether it's around women, or at work, the store, the restaurant, at home by himself, etc. When he goes into a bar or restaurant, he acts like he belongs there. They tend to radiate an inner peace; he (or she) is happy with who he is. He also understands that he is not perfect, and that it's okay if he's a little awkward from time to time, or acts a little silly, or doesn't do something quite right or whatever...he just lets such things roll off his back and keeps on truckin'. Sometimes, sh*t just happens...that's life. The most confident person in the room may actually be a bit on the quiet side (but he is not meek obviously).

 

3) Nervousness exists on a scale, or spectrum. Mild nervousness usually isn't a big deal...a guy can pretty much act "normal" when he's slightly nervous. It's probably not gonna stop him from approaching a woman and being able to hold a conversation with her. A little bit of awkwardness here and there might actually be cute or endearing in the eyes of the woman, especially if the guy can laugh it off or pivot/segue away from the moment in a decent way. Severe nervousness (i.e. anxiety) OTOH is a problem though...if the guy struggles to string a few sentences together and can't get over his anxiety, that ain't good. It's a sign that he's way too deep in his own head.

 

4) Many women prefer guys that they feel desired, at ease and safe around. Ideally the woman would feel comfortable just being herself around the guy...in other words, the guy truly likes her for her...quirks, flaws and all. I suspect that it is very difficult for a woman to feel at ease and safe around a guy who lacks confidence in himself.

 

5) Of course confidence isn't the end-all-be-all. Duh. People need more than that. One can be self-confident and also modest, empathetic, funny, creative, analytical, and so on. It helps if you're an interesting person that others want to get to know, and it helps if you're willing to "live a little" from time to time. That said, a person who lacks self-confidence may have a hard time doing well in many areas of life. I like to think of a person's confidence - or better, self-esteem - as his or her foundation...like the foundation of a house.

[StocksnBlondes]

Several issues with your original post, OP.

 

1) What you're assuming to be confidence sounds more like arrogance to me. Players are often arrogant...they deliberately act that way because it's a necessary component of their agenda. There's a lack of genuineness or realness in their behavior and actions...although some players can mask it well, similar to good con artists.

 

2) Confidence isn't binary and it isn't an on-off switch. Real confidence comes naturally and is usually built up over time with past successes and support from good people. That said, I don't think there's a single human being on earth that is confident 100% of the time. Everyone has insecurities. Everyone gets nervous every now and then. Everyone second-guesses themselves every once in awhile. These things are human nature. Therefore just because some guy is a little nervous around a woman doesn't mean that he lacks confidence and it doesn't mean that confidence is overrated or unimportant. Confidence is a big part of self-esteem. Self-esteem is obviously important. A truly confident person is generally consistent in how he carries himself...whether it's around women, or at work, the store, the restaurant, at home by himself, etc. When he goes into a bar or restaurant, he acts like he belongs there. They tend to radiate an inner peace; he (or she) is happy with who he is. He also understands that he is not perfect, and that it's okay if he's a little awkward from time to time, or acts a little silly, or doesn't do something quite right or whatever...he just lets such things roll off his back and keeps on truckin'. Sometimes, sh*t just happens...that's life. The most confident person in the room may actually be a bit on the quiet side (but he is not meek obviously).

 

3) Nervousness exists on a scale, or spectrum. Mild nervousness usually isn't a big deal...a guy can pretty much act "normal" when he's slightly nervous. It's probably not gonna stop him from approaching a woman and being able to hold a conversation with her. A little bit of awkwardness here and there might actually be cute or endearing in the eyes of the woman, especially if the guy can laugh it off or pivot/segue away from the moment in a decent way. Severe nervousness (i.e. anxiety) OTOH is a problem though...if the guy struggles to string a few sentences together and can't get over his anxiety, that ain't good. It's a sign that he's way too deep in his own head.

 

4) Many women prefer guys that they feel desired, at ease and safe around. Ideally the woman would feel comfortable just being herself around the guy...in other words, the guy truly likes her for her...quirks, flaws and all. I suspect that it is very difficult for a woman to feel at ease and safe around a guy who lacks confidence in himself.

 

5) Of course confidence isn't the end-all-be-all. Duh. People need more than that. One can be self-confident and also modest, empathetic, funny, creative, analytical, and so on. It helps if you're an interesting person that others want to get to know, and it helps if you're willing to "live a little" from time to time. That said, a person who lacks self-confidence may have a hard time doing well in many areas of life. I like to think of a person's confidence - or better, self-esteem - as his or her foundation...like the foundation of a house.

 

Ahhh...a voice of reason. Nice post thank you.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

A lot of the times, confidencd stems from past success but if you don't have any past success it is really hard to have confidence

[Mendalore]

A lot of the times, confidencd stems from past success but if you don't have any past success it is really hard to have confidence

 

Bingo. That makes it very difficult.

 

Confidence is extremely tricky since it can be situation oriented, like it is in my case. At work? Confident as hell. Over a friends house? Confident as hell. Giving a class? Confident as hell.

 

At a bar or trying to talk to a woman, in general? Nervous as hell.

 

If I'm talking to someone I wouldn't like to date, I'm probably immediately perceived as being more confident and attractive. Which means, of course, that I attract the types of girls that I'm not interested in...

 

OP - You sound like this may be part of your problem as well.

 

I know I have a lot of the qualities that many women are looking for, but more in the long term. I'm smart, financially stable, caring, dependable, loyal, honest, relatively funny, varied interests, and the list goes on.

 

My issue is I'm not confident in my short-term. Being high energy(I can, but only in short bursts), being able to come up with random things to talk about on a whim, having a good body (could be worse - 5'10", 195, 34" waist, working on it, but balding), and lacking a productive passion (My passions are mostly consumption-based [performance art, music, etc] or proactive with no visible result[caring for others, giving advice, loving, etc])

 

I always said I'd be a great with women if it weren't for the whole dating thing, heh.

 

OP - It sounds like you may be better in the short term? Not sure. More than likely the first part of this. Since you don't really want to DATE date these girls, necessarily, you don't care, so you're more confident.

 

It's so weird how ladies, in my experience, are far more attracted to those who aren't interested in them.

[Revan32]

Bingo. That makes it very difficult.

If I'm talking to someone I wouldn't like to date, I'm probably immediately perceived as being more confident and attractive. Which means, of course, that I attract the types of girls that I'm not interested in...

 

OP - It sounds like you may be better in the short term? Not sure. More than likely the first part of this. Since you don't really want to DATE date these girls, necessarily, you don't care, so you're more confident.

 

It's so weird how ladies, in my experience, are far more attracted to those who aren't interested in them.

 

A lot of the times, confidencd stems from past success but if you don't have any past success it is really hard to have confidence

 

This is a large part of my problem I believe. Besides one girl who I was very casual with but saw for 2 years, all of my other relationships with girls were very short term. Like a few dates. We'd sleep with each other a few times then move on. So with girls who I can actually see a future with, I get a little more nervous with. But like I said in my original post, I think thats just human nature.

[Siquijor]

Confidence is listed as the most desirable trait for both sexes. I have heard just about every single guy I know say that confidence is a "must". There is quite a few perma-single shy girls that guys constantly overlook in favor of more extroverted and confident ones.

 

All depends what the guy is after. From my perspective if I was after a one night stand I wouldn't want a shy girl for obvious reasons. If it was a serious relationship I was looking for, a lack of confidence wouldn't be a major issue in the early stages.

[Trane]

Gotta disagree with that one, Trane.

 

Last girl I dated was an easy 9 looks-wise. I'm a good 20lbs overweight, receding hairline, about 5'11", and make a decent living, far from rich. I'm a 6, 7 on a good day, and that's being generous.

 

She was attracted to my openness, light-heartedness, sense of humor, intelligence, and confidence. She gave me a chance because she wasn't absolutely repulsed by me and it worked out FANTASTICALLY for a little while.

 

Unfortunately, after about 3 months I, like Revan probably, was still so deeply enamored and concerned about retaining this fantastic, funny, intelligent, beautiful woman that I probably got a little too second-guessing, ambivalent, or otherwise unstable in order to try and make her happy.

 

I *think* girls want a guy who makes her happy without trying to make her happy.

 

I *think* confidence is entirely possible while still appearing nervous as long as you can get the words out and still be yourself. Remember, bravery is about acting despite fear rather than the absence, thereof.

 

I *think* that if they give you an initial chance despite being a little nervous, you're good as long as that nervousness doesn't INCREASE over time. As your comfort level grows with one another that should ideally go away (yeah, I know it doesn't always), not get worse, so if/when it resurfaces after you've been dating a while, her attraction to you could take a serious hit.

 

Ladies? Please correct me if I'm wrong. I'm on a learning journey as well and don't claim to really know *anything*.

 

I really wish I hadn't made these mistakes, because I saw a lot of potential with that girl. Granted, it's a little weird being 31 years old and not really having much relationship experience. I dated one girl for a year back in 2004, then a girl for about 6 months in 2012, now this one for 3 in 2015. At this rate I'll get another that'll last about 1.5 months in 2017!!! Hoping to change that, but needless to say, I don't have a lot of relationship experience. I was scared to death of asking women out in my 20s.

 

You are 5'11.

 

Five-Feet-Eleven-Inches in height.

 

Nuff said realistically.

 

You are 1 inch below the extreme desired minimum which is passively acceptable in the some of the eyes of western culture's women. Some women will sacrifice 1 inch. 2 inches is politely stretching it and a lot won't even look at you if you are 3 inches or more shorter than the required minimum.

 

Women need reassurance from her girlfriends that her man is worthy of being seen in public together. He needs to make her girlfriends look good too with perhaps a bit of polite jealousy from them. Women also need reassurance from every other non-important person in public who she doesn't know at all or has never met, who will see the man on her arm.

 

Point guard size almost doesn't cut it these days. You need to have shooting guard over power forward size to be considered worthy with the high-heels factor in full bloom.

 

I have an incredibly hard time believing she would even take you on if you were less than 5'11.

 

If she was of an advanced age with declining beauty? She can't compete with the younger females, so an even shorter guy with less hair and financial resources will have a chance. She really has no choice unless she wants to get left behind.

 

This is one of the reasons I have a couple of ladies chasing me now who wouldn't dare give me the time of day when they were younger, and tighter skinned. They can't compete so they lower their height standards, break out the flat shoes and hope that an average height to shorter 5'5 and change guy like me will engage them.

 

Good on ya and good try though.

[thecrucible]

You are 1 inch below the extreme desired minimum which is passively acceptable in the some of the eyes of western culture's women. Some women will sacrifice 1 inch. 2 inches is politely stretching it and a lot won't even look at you if you are 3 inches or more shorter than the required minimum.

 

That's ridiculous. I don't care as long as the guy is taller than me, preferably at least three inches. I am 5ft 5". It's rare but I have once been attracted to a shorter guy because he had good energy and confidence and you got the sense that he was comfortable in his own skin and not trying to make up for anything. So my point is that you don't have to be "at least 6ft".

[thecrucible]

This is a large part of my problem I believe. Besides one girl who I was very casual with but saw for 2 years, all of my other relationships with girls were very short term. Like a few dates. We'd sleep with each other a few times then move on. So with girls who I can actually see a future with, I get a little more nervous with. But like I said in my original post, I think thats just human nature.

 

I completely agree. It's like what people say about finding your stride. So for instance when you deliver a speech for the first time and it isn't the best, but each time you do the speech it gets a little better.

 

But don't worry. I think you just do what comes naturally. Eventually everything falls into place. The two long-term relationships I've been, I got into by accident. We just spent lots of time together and eventually it was like "soo...are we boyfriend and girlfriend?"

 

I like this thread. I think you raised an important point. It's very easy to overlook nervous guys based on first impressions. I think guys should always get more than one chance to make a first impression unless they say something really terrible. I think women get this too though. Some men also overlook women who don't exude overt sexual confidence. I think the skill is to hint at something sexy in a classy way - otherwise the other person can't seem to visualise you as a potential sexual conquest/romantic partner and more as a friend.

[jam.over.jelly]

Girls always say they love confidence in guys. Yet at the same time, you constantly have girls complaining about getting pumped and dumped by players, and how they can never find guys who really like them. The funny thing is, the more attracted to a girl a guy is, the less confident he is going to be around them.

 

I've hooked up with some very attractive women in my time. Girls that had bodies that could give a Kardashian girl a run for her money. I approached them acting very confident and sexy and took them home within an hour of meeting them. The thing is, I didn't think they were that attractive. My friends were raging about how hot they were, but I wasn't impressed. They just weren't my type.

 

Now on the other hand, there are girls who I am super attracted to, yet other guys I've talked to don't find them hot at all. When I talk to these girls, I am super awkward, and can barely speak. They probably think I'm a total wimp.

 

Ladies, if a guy comes up to you 100% sure of himself, you should be thinking "wow this ******* doesn't even think I'm hot enough to be nervous around". And when a guy comes up to you noticeably sweaty, you should think "ahhh he must be very attracted to me, I should give him a shot".

 

And yes, if you're wondering, I just screwed up with a girl who I was very attracted to tonight because I acted like a wimp. So I feel very strongly that you all should take my advice.

 

I jumped into this thread a bit late. However, I just experienced this last night. I could tell the guy was nervous. He told me he was nervous. I didn't think he acted like a wimp, just thought that was super adorable. He was super hot and I was actually surprised that hot guys like him could be nervous too. LOL! He swore to me he was not usually like that.

 

I like him regardless, so even though he was super nervous I will still go out with him again. I think if a girl really likes you, she would just think the fact that you're nervous is actually pretty adorable, or at least I think so. Don't be discouraged, she might think so too!

[preraph]

Girls always say they love confidence in guys. Yet at the same time, you constantly have girls complaining about getting pumped and dumped by players, and how they can never find guys who really like them. The funny thing is, the more attracted to a girl a guy is, the less confident he is going to be around them.

 

It's been my experience that a confident guy is a confident guy, whether he likes me or not. And an unconfident guy is an unconfident guy whether he likes me or not. And let's not confuse "confident" and being just out to get laid. A confident guy honestly probably doesn't have to keep playing the field to convince himself he's manly.

[Revan32]

It's been my experience that a confident guy is a confident guy, whether he likes me or not. And an unconfident guy is an unconfident guy whether he likes me or not. And let's not confuse "confident" and being just out to get laid. A confident guy honestly probably doesn't have to keep playing the field to convince himself he's manly.

 

Thats the mistake though. No one is 100% confident in everything. Everyone has off days, certain situations, certain people, or some activity that they are not fully confident in. They may hide it well, but don't let that full you.

 

Working as a bouncer in Los Angeles taught me how to act confident and aggressive even when I wasn't feeling it. I often had to throw out some big drunk and wild guys that even had me a little worried. But if anyone was watching, (hundreds were) they'd just see a very confident bouncer throw out some guy, or force him to calm down and sober up. Its not a job where you can come off as a wuss. And I was often complimented by people on how I dealt with situations.

 

But even with all that experience, if its a girl I'm really into, I'll still feel that twinge in the stomach, and won't be as talkative and outgoing as I would be if she was someone else.

[joseb]

I jumped into this thread a bit late. However, I just experienced this last night. I could tell the guy was nervous. He told me he was nervous. I didn't think he acted like a wimp, just thought that was super adorable. He was super hot and I was actually surprised that hot guys like him could be nervous too. LOL! He swore to me he was not usually like that.

 

I like him regardless, so even though he was super nervous I will still go out with him again. I think if a girl really likes you, she would just think the fact that you're nervous is actually pretty adorable, or at least I think so. Don't be discouraged, she might think so too!

 

I was going to have a witty response to this thread but im tounge tied and cant think what to say with that new profile picture jamoj has got

[jam.over.jelly]

I was going to have a witty response to this thread but im tounge tied and cant think what to say with that new profile picture jamoj has got

 

Hahaha, good one joseb. Good one! Had me literally lol.

[Rejected Rosebud]

How come "confidence" and "pump and dump" keep coming up as if they are related to each other, they are not. Also OP you seem pretty hung up on "Kardashians"?? :confused:

 

Look, confidence is all about how a person goes about living their life and how they feel in their own skin, "insecure and needy" is pretty much the opposite of "confidence" in a dating context. "Insecure and needy" is also the opposite of attractive to me and most women I know. "Shy" is not the opposite of confidence in a dating context at least not in my opinion. Lots of us girls think that shy guys are especially adorable!!

[Rejected Rosebud]

What I personally hate about confidence is what us guys are expected to gain our confidence from

What?? PEOPLE are "expected" to gain their confidence from feeling good about themselves and have some pride in themselves and how they are living their lives. What is so horrid about that?? What do YOU think would be confidence building for yourself??

[kilgore]

I would imagine the mods will Be shutting this down or cutting out some posts. Too bad - it was a good thread