Does the honeymoon phase of relationships not last long enough for you?

[cyphorX]

With me all relationships tend to start out perfect, once we get past that "I dont know where I stand" phase, then we get to the best part, where we are hanging out all the time, humping like bunnies, talking to each other on the phone when not in person etc etc..... then what usually what happens is she starts getting back to her old routine and it feels like she is trying to squeeze me into her old life without breaking anything.

 

Then one of 3 things usually happen.

 

A. I say something about it and get labeled needy or clingy.(even though I am not the one who changed)

 

B. I say nothing hoping its just temporary and break up when it does not change back.

 

C. Try to pull in tighter and that never works out well.

 

 

What I find most strange is when i break up with someone for that reason, they either act surprised or angry, even though they were the ones that seemed to lose interest in the first place.

[BluEyeL]

I read in a book that there are stages that every relationship goes through. Something like the chase/pursuit, the plateau (when you feel comfortable and super happy with each other), the switch (what you describe, one partner is distancing), negotiation (when you try to adjust to each other's differences) and commitment (deciding to marry and be with each other forever). It seems that you can't handle a switch. It appears that the switch is happening in every relationship and the best way to deal with it is to just let it happen, give space and not break up but also not be clingy. If you handle it correctly, happiness comes back. More "switches" can be initiated by one or the other of the partners during a relationship, it's not all linear.

[EricaH329]

If you chase after the honeymoon phase, you'll be running for a LONG time. It's called a phase for a reason. Personally, i've never met anyone that stays in it for long.

 

From personal experience, the quicker/harder you fall into the honeymoon phase, the quicker/harder you come out of it.

 

The problem with that, though, is that people don't tend to be themselves during the honeymoon phase. They are the 'best version' of themselves. Most likely not going to do anything embarrassing, try their hardest to make the other person happy, and not wanting to leave their S/O (as in, no space). That can never last forever.

 

Don't get me wrong, that phase is awesome, but wouldn't it be even more awesome to spend your life with someone that you can be comfortable with? When you can see their quirks, and appreciate them? To be included in their daily lives, without all the focus being on you?

[Buddhist]

With me all relationships tend to start out perfect, once we get past that "I dont know where I stand" phase, then we get to the best part, where we are hanging out all the time, humping like bunnies, talking to each other on the phone when not in person etc etc..... then what usually what happens is she starts getting back to her old routine and it feels like she is trying to squeeze me into her old life without breaking anything.

 

Then one of 3 things usually happen.

 

A. I say something about it and get labeled needy or clingy.(even though I am not the one who changed)

 

B. I say nothing hoping its just temporary and break up when it does not change back.

 

C. Try to pull in tighter and that never works out well.

 

 

What I find most strange is when i break up with someone for that reason, they either act surprised or angry, even though they were the ones that seemed to lose interest in the first place.

 

Honestly you need to mature a bit. The honeymoon phase is a hormonal high, it's not supposed to last. People have better things to do than hump you all day and spend every waking moment with you. I'd expect this kind of post from a 15yr old. I really hope that's your age.

[Buddhist]

When you can see their quirks, and appreciate them? To be included in their daily lives, without all the focus being on you?

 

You've clearly missed his other posts.

[cyphorX]

Honestly you need to mature a bit. The honeymoon phase is a hormonal high, it's not supposed to last. People have better things to do than hump you all day and spend every waking moment with you. I'd expect this kind of post from a 15yr old. I really hope that's your age.

 

Actually I'm 45, I was married at 21 divorced at 29 a few months before I turned 30, and I learned quickly that being single post 30 sucked. Most of my friends told me dating starts to change somewhere between 25 at 27 but since I was married at the time I never went through that change when most guys are going through it. I just got dropped off at the end result of said changes.

[Buddhist]

Actually I'm 45, I was married at 21 divorced at 29 a few months before I turned 30, and I learned quickly that being single post 30 sucked. Most of my friends told me dating starts to change somewhere between 25 at 27 but since I was married at the time I never went through that change when most guys are going through it. I just got dropped off at the end result of said changes.

 

Well you didn't miss much. All you missed was the fact that most people and women especially tend to shift gears from idealism in love to pragmatism. I know that I personally like the honeymoon period to be brief because it's a phase when you aren't thinking clearly, there is high physical intimacy but little real objectivity and I much prefer the longer term aspects of relating where you are getting to really know the other person on a level other than just exploring their body.

 

I find the honeymoon period exhausting because I'm an introvert and sustaining high levels of interpersonal contact goes against my natural needs. I can do it for short periods of time but I soon need my space again otherwise I feel suffocated. That natural pulling away isn't a loss of interest it's a building of trust between you, you are now trusting each other to spend time outside of the relationship and willingly come back into it of your own accord. If you are short circuiting that then you're really sending out a message of mistrust in your partner on a subconscious level. I can see why others will react negatively to that. You're not allowing the relationship to naturally grow and trying to keep it in a state that doesn't work long term.

 

I can also see why others are shocked when you break up with them because of it. It's a natural growth cycle in the relationship and you're resisting that and judging them for simply taking the next logical step in relating.

Edited October 4, 2015 by Buddhist

[GemmaUK]

I think you just need to relax and let the natural progression happen as that is what it is.

 

I remember when I was 22 and met my LT partner that there was a bit of a flurry of calls and dates and then once established we simply both fell into a happy medium with each other.

I'm 46 now though so mobile phones, texts, internet all plays somewhat of a part.

I started dating a guy when I was 43, he was 42.

He had no house to look after and no hobbies plus I worked longer hours than he did.

There were a few more texts than usual when I met him as I was on a few days off work and then had sporadic hours and days off when I had visitors. Problem was though that he didn't take any of that into account and expected each day to be as busy with texts and also expected a call each night for an hour or so.

I attempted time and again to set some boundaries, he would be OK for a few hours and then back to square one.

By this time we were 2-3 months in and the great guy I met all but disappeared and was smothering the life out of me.

His expectations over constant contact

went on for a total of 7 months and only sometime after I ended it did I realise how manipulative, controlling and emotionally abusive he had been. Something I had never experienced before.

 

I lost weight, he isolated me from friends, his view was that if I was not at work then my time belonged to him. He actually told me to quit my job several times even! Hmm.. I'm not quite sure how I was then supposed to be able to pay my mortgage and bills...

 

There is a natural bit of a flurry when dating starts out but after that things have to calm down as people have lives to lead. Each party should be considerate of that for each other.

[RoseVille]

Shifting back into a normal routine after the high of the honeymoon period wears off is normal, and yet you're breaking up with these women when they don't switch from normal back to indefinite honeymoon. That's not realistic not a mature way of approaching relationships.

[RoseVille]

There is a natural bit of a flurry when dating starts out but after that things have to calm down as people have lives to lead. Each party should be considerate of that for each other.

 

Yes, this. In the beginning, it's all about your SO. Then things calm down, as they have to. You find a way to lead your normal life with your partner, to do both, to have balance.

[central]

The honeymoon phase usually follows the lusty infatuation phase, if a relationship develops. Both are hormonally driven, and the honeymoon phase can last up to two years, but usually somewhat less. By then you should have established a routine as a couple, and loving habits that can carry on as a couple - with perhaps less intensity, but continue nonetheless.

 

For a lucky few, it doesn't end, the intensity doesn't drop much, if at all. But it does become a deeper bond as time goes on. We're among the lucky few - 16 years and going strong.

[Gaeta]

With me all relationships tend to start out perfect, once we get past that "I dont know where I stand" phase, then we get to the best part, where we are hanging out all the time, humping like bunnies, talking to each other on the phone when not in person etc etc..... then what usually what happens is she starts getting back to her old routine and it feels like she is trying to squeeze me into her old life without breaking anything.

 

Don't you have dirty laundry to go back to as well? All relationships start the way you're describing. We put things on hold, put friends and family aside, neglect our chores, but at some point we need to catch up with all of that.

 

Maybe it's not indicative that her life is too busy but that yours isn't enough?

[thecrucible]

I actually enjoy the fact that relationships get back to normality eventually. I couldn't deal with honeymoon phase forever, lovely as it is. I've got stuff to do and there are times in my life when I've been super busy with studies for instance, and starting a relationship has stressed me out due to the diversion of time. I think this means that there are times in my life when I'm not going to have time to start a relationship. It's different if you are already in one, to balance your life. But to begin it takes some out...so yes good to get back to normal!

[cyphorX]

Well you didn't miss much. All you missed was the fact that most people and women especially tend to shift gears from idealism in love to pragmatism. I know that I personally like the honeymoon period to be brief because it's a phase when you aren't thinking clearly, there is high physical intimacy but little real objectivity and I much prefer the longer term aspects of relating where you are getting to really know the other person on a level other than just exploring their body.

 

I find the honeymoon period exhausting because I'm an introvert and sustaining high levels of interpersonal contact goes against my natural needs. I can do it for short periods of time but I soon need my space again otherwise I feel suffocated. That natural pulling away isn't a loss of interest it's a building of trust between you, you are now trusting each other to spend time outside of the relationship and willingly come back into it of your own accord. If you are short circuiting that then you're really sending out a message of mistrust in your partner on a subconscious level. I can see why others will react negatively to that. You're not allowing the relationship to naturally grow and trying to keep it in a state that doesn't work long term.

 

I can also see why others are shocked when you break up with them because of it. It's a natural growth cycle in the relationship and you're resisting that and judging them for simply taking the next logical step in relating.

 

 

I guess to me its not exhausting I actually enjoy that part, it's a rush, and for me it does not wear off, I know for me it's a combination of ADHD and severe emotional temporal displasia (meaning strong emotional stimulation messes with my sense of times passage), everyone has it mine is just exaggerated. and as I'm sure you know ADHD comes with this wonderful thing called hyperfocus, pleasure centers in the brain get stimulated and it feels like my thoughts are going a million miles and hour once the stimuli is gone it's like a snap back effect where I sink lower than I was in the first place. It really sucks when that happens.

[cyphorX]

The honeymoon phase usually follows the lusty infatuation phase, if a relationship develops. Both are hormonally driven, and the honeymoon phase can last up to two years, but usually somewhat less. By then you should have established a routine as a couple, and loving habits that can carry on as a couple - with perhaps less intensity, but continue nonetheless.

 

For a lucky few, it doesn't end, the intensity doesn't drop much, if at all. But it does become a deeper bond as time goes on. We're among the lucky few - 16 years and going strong.

 

Yes I know only a handful of couples like that, the ones that have been together for 10 - 20 years and are still all over each other like a pair of horny 16 year old's, that's the type of relationship I want, not like the majority who after 4 or 5 years seem more like roomates than a couple.

 

before my father passed away he was always goofy and flirty with my mother like they had only been dating a week and they were married 53 years.

I'm starting to think that those couples that manage to keep the honeymoon going indefinitely are most likely people with the same relationship needs as me who were lucky against all odds to find each other. Because what I want out of a relationship seems to be in the minority. Because I want a full life romantic companion, to share life with, who enjoys my company, who looks forward to seeing me after work, that I can grow old with and still have the same rush at 70 that we did the first night we spent together, not a roommate that has sex with me 2.4 times a week when she is not busy with girls night out.

[cyphorX]

Don't you have dirty laundry to go back to as well? All relationships start the way you're describing. We put things on hold, put friends and family aside, neglect our chores, but at some point we need to catch up with all of that.

 

Maybe it's not indicative that her life is too busy but that yours isn't enough?

 

When did having a hectic life become a good thing?

I got rid of most of the things in my life that cause stress.

And the few stressful things that I could not eliminate I spend as little time on them as possible.

[Redhead14]

With me all relationships tend to start out perfect, once we get past that "I dont know where I stand" phase, then we get to the best part, where we are hanging out all the time, humping like bunnies, talking to each other on the phone when not in person etc etc..... then what usually what happens is she starts getting back to her old routine and it feels like she is trying to squeeze me into her old life without breaking anything.

 

Then one of 3 things usually happen.

 

A. I say something about it and get labeled needy or clingy.(even though I am not the one who changed)

 

B. I say nothing hoping its just temporary and break up when it does not change back.

 

C. Try to pull in tighter and that never works out well.

 

 

What I find most strange is when i break up with someone for that reason, they either act surprised or angry, even though they were the ones that seemed to lose interest in the first place.

 

 

The couples who say that the honeymoon period never ended, were the couples where both of them were being themselves from the very start.

 

That is the reason for managing emotions and expectations for quite some time in a new relationship. Because when you start to see all the sides of that person (the real person), you start the real evaluation as to whether or not this person is going to be the person you want to be with for the long term.

Edited October 6, 2015 by Redhead14

[GunslingerRoland]

I think the problem may be that you need someone with a more compatible life to yours. But I don't really see what the issue is... I think it's good that people begin to resume their own interests at some point.

[d0nnivain]

I'm actually not a fan of the HM phase as the OP describes it, where you give 24/7 to the new person. I find I don't get my grocery shopping or laundry done when I'm in that phase & I never get enough sleep. It's not something I can keep going. It's so much better when you can work the relationship into the fabric of the rest of your life & make the routine mundane things fun just because you do them together.

[central]

Yes I know only a handful of couples like that, the ones that have been together for 10 - 20 years and are still all over each other like a pair of horny 16 year old's, that's the type of relationship I want, not like the majority who after 4 or 5 years seem more like roomates than a couple.

 

before my father passed away he was always goofy and flirty with my mother like they had only been dating a week and they were married 53 years.

I'm starting to think that those couples that manage to keep the honeymoon going indefinitely are most likely people with the same relationship needs as me who were lucky against all odds to find each other. Because what I want out of a relationship seems to be in the minority. Because I want a full life romantic companion, to share life with, who enjoys my company, who looks forward to seeing me after work, that I can grow old with and still have the same rush at 70 that we did the first night we spent together, not a roommate that has sex with me 2.4 times a week when she is not busy with girls night out.

 

You can specifically seek people like this, but of course it can be a long and difficult search. Partly, it's a numbers game, which is why online dating can be the best way to look. You screen for high levels of compatibility in ALL areas that matter, but especially values and attitudes and lifestyle. You need compatible long term goals, and you need some significant shared interests you can pursue together for a long time. ANY red flags in these areas must either be resolved quickly, or you move on immediately because they are sure deal breakers eventually.

 

You may chat with or meet a thousand women. If you are searching only for the compatible ones, you'll easily eliminate all but a few percent. Those remaining need in person meetings and dating a while to see if they are what you seek. And even when you find someone who apparently IS all that, you need to continue dating them for at least two years to ensure that there are no hidden surprises or changes in behavior. Consistency is the best predictor of future behavior.

[cyphorX]

I'm actually not a fan of the HM phase as the OP describes it, where you give 24/7 to the new person. I find I don't get my grocery shopping or laundry done when I'm in that phase & I never get enough sleep. It's not something I can keep going. It's so much better when you can work the relationship into the fabric of the rest of your life & make the routine mundane things fun just because you do them together.

 

Wow it seems most of the world is dead inside.

[cyphorX]

I think the problem may be that you need someone with a more compatible life to yours. But I don't really see what the issue is... I think it's good that people begin to resume their own interests at some point.

 

I guess I really enjoy that phase and it never lasts long enough. But yes I do try to find women with the same interests as me that way more time is spend together.

[menyou]

CyphorX, you just have not found the right person yet. Doesn't mean you will not. I am all for the HM phase but I'm a realist with my current obligations and those of my BF. I make every available moment spent on him quality instead of quantity.

[alphamale]

the honeymoon period ends when she starts spitting out your semen

[HereNorThere]

It's not just hormones. In fact, neurotransmitters play a greater role in the obsessive behavior during the honeymoon phase. Hormones like vasopressin and oxytocin actually increase our capacity for bonding. They're there to keep us around after the honeymoon phase has worn by off.

 

It takes a brave person to be honest about the disappointment of coming out of the hm. However, it's a natural part of our biology. I'm all for monogamy, but it would be silly to think it's a completely natural construct. Evolutionarily speaking, males were designed to seek out and impregnant as many females as possible. When you choose to be with one single person, you are fighting 10s of thousands (or more) years of evolutionary programming. This in and of itself can be enough to cause dissonance.

 

Choosing one faithful partner to spend the rest of your life with is obviously a healthier choose than sleeping around with multiple partners, but that doesn't mean you won't have to cope with some conflicting emotions about it. After all, if you were truly "meant" to stay with one person, other people would no longer be attractive to you. For most males and a good portion of females, it truly does take some self control and sacrifice to make it work.

 

It's definitely nothing to be ashamed of. We feel the way we feel because it increases our chances of survival as a species. It's special that we have higher thought processes that allow for forethought, empathy, etc but that doesn't mean our primal nature doesn't still exist. Our reptilian brain is still alive and well in there. We just have the capacity to defy those instincts for the greater good of humanity.