poppy89 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 You know when you tell them 'not to text back' and they actually don't? Yeah, that. I just ended things with a guy I'd been seeing on/off for 3 months ish, and yes, I know it's not a long time but I had my heart badly broken 4 years ago and haven't been able to date since. Anyway, I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks and he claimed he's been 'busy' (that old chestnut), he hasn't made effort to see me and our texts consist of nonsense - not real conversation, like it used to be. I asked him to hang out tonight after he claimed he wasn't doing anything but low and behold, after around 40 minutes of no reply to my question, I text him to say 'never mind'...he then replied saying he's going out with friends on a night out. Anyway, I get the picture - he's not that into me anymore. I deleted him off FB and everything - then let him know how I felt and not to reply because I already felt like an idiot. Part of me was at least expecting the obligatory, 'sorry you feel that way, didn't mean to Lead you on text' but genuinely....nothing! Now I feel like rubbish and my self-esteem is back at 0. My last breakup left me feeling worthless for years, focusing on work instead of romance and now, the first guy I genuinely allowed myself to like, results in this. I'm calling off the search - get me the cat lady starter pack!
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 Someone, some time ago, posted a link to 'how they break up with you by getting you to break up with them'. Take it as read he's a spineless coward, who should have done the right thing, but relayed a message that he was obviously hoping you'd pick up on more quickly than you did. So, rather than do the right thing, and advise you up-front that he wanted to break up with you, he sort of, kinda made retreating movements in a general direction of backwards, so that eventually, the penny would drop, and you'd get it. Now....? You have. He's free at last!! I'd let the slimeball go, and be grateful you dodged a bullet. Not only that, but his next GF has got to contend with an azzwit. Poor lass..... 3
Blanco Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 I've learned that when it comes to matters of the heart, don't do or say things you don't really mean. Always expect the other person to take your actions or words at face value. (i.e. don't tell someone not to text you back if you really think you'll be bothered if they fulfill your request) 3
Author poppy89 Posted October 3, 2015 Author Posted October 3, 2015 I think I saw a thread like that flying around here somewhere. Needless to say, the way he is behaving is thankfully a major turn off - he clearly doesn't respect me or care about my feelings at all, else he would at least have apologised, even if he didn't have the guts to tell me. Regardless, why do I feel so sad? Why do I feel sad that a guy, who doesn't deserve me, doesn't care? I shouldn't care and promised myself years ago that I'd never allow myself to be hurt again. Yes, this is a pity-party for one, it literally happened an hour ago! Haha!
Author poppy89 Posted October 3, 2015 Author Posted October 3, 2015 That's the thing, Blanco. I do genuinely want to cut the contact because I can't go on like this, hoping every day for things to happen but I thought he liked me and would at least reply asking what was going on. Clearly, I was wrong. Personally, even if I didn't like the person anymore, there's no way I couldn't reply.
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 .....why do I feel so sad? Why do I feel sad that a guy, who doesn't deserve me, doesn't care? I shouldn't care and promised myself years ago that I'd never allow myself to be hurt again. Yes, this is a pity-party for one, it literally happened an hour ago! Haha! Well, for one thing obviously, it's still quite fresh.... However, I think part of your sadness may be rooted in self-incrimination... How could I let myself be treated this way? How could I not have seen what he was doing? And if I DID see, why did I let it continue?!" I think part of it is that.... 1
guest569 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 whilst a genuine apology might make you feel a bit better, it doesn't really change anything. At the end of the day, what he has done was pretty cowardly and fake so nothing he can say now should have any value to you. He has messed you around and led you on. So i doubt he would have had the guts or honesty to own up to it anyway. Be thankful that he has respected you wishes of not responding because the silence from him will do you good, even if you don't see it right now. 2
Author poppy89 Posted October 3, 2015 Author Posted October 3, 2015 Thanks guys! I think you're right, I am annoyed at myself more than anything because I kept going back and forth...pretty much for the duration of whatever this 'thing' was. I was forever telling myself 'don't talk to him anymore', 'walk away' and somehow never could, I would convince myself that I could still make it happen even though my gut instinct told me it was hopeless. Such an idiot! It's so clear now that I was just somebody to waste the time with, a bit of excitement before something better came along or until the novelty wore off. Absolutely, silence speaks volumes and it's definitely better that we don't drag this out. Inner turmoil is frustrating though: my Sasha Fierce is saying 'I'm the best thing you'll never have! Bye, boo' whilst the other half is wondering 'why wasn't I good enough?'. You know, I actually annoy myself haha!
BC1980 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 I think that if you tell someone not to reply or announce NC as some people want to do, you always run the risk that they will never reply. They will not take the bait, so to speak, or even care. I think that most of us do want some type of reply. Like you stated, an obligatory, "sorry it turned out that way" or something similar was warranted. And I'm not saying you were bating him into a response, but don't we all want a response? Don't we all want to be validated? I think what happened here is that you were the upfront, mature one, and he would rather ghost on you. I find it cowardly, but, unfortunately, it happens a lot. People simply do not want to face up or to be the "bad guy" by initiating the breakup. It happened to me many years ago, and, gosh, it stung so badly. It really hurt my feelings, but I eventually realized that he was emotionally immature and a bad pick for a partner. I was better off once I realized that. I've said this many times before on LS, but, above all, people hate to be ignored. That is the worst hit to your ego. To be ignored as if you don't matter at all. Because I think one of our primary reasons for doing anything we do is to be validated, in some way, by another person. I think that in the long run, you will probably realize that you are more hurt by him ignoring you than by him actually being out of your life. Breakups trigger all kinds of emotions that don't have much to do with the actual person that is now gone.
Mrlovahlovah Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 well, you said it.there's just no viable reason to get hurt or give up on your love life because some guy you were on a casual relationship with had enough. you didn't give us any real details about the nature of your relationship but as people before me said the way he decided to (not) end things shows a great deal about his personality. he's probably sporting right now a having fun and getting physical with women kind of life philosophy and is in no way ready to take part in a serious relationship. so - bullet dodged. i see how a failed 4 year relationship can damage your beliefs in love and trusting people but this is nothing like that! so don't try to put this in some relationship pattern and come to conclusions about your self worth. i don't think him not responding is in anyway relevant but given you said this just happened an hour ago i wouldn't rule out him responding just yet. maybe even try to get back. for his own selfish reasons (be it sex or just ego). please don't fall for that. a guy that doesn't make the effort to meet you or at least explain himself properly for 3 weeks isn't worth your time.
Author poppy89 Posted October 3, 2015 Author Posted October 3, 2015 Being ignored hurts, there's no doubt about it! The only thing it validates is that my suspicions were accurate. I won't be falling for anything, even if he does reply, because I know now that I deserve better, or so I keep telling myself! I apologise for any misunderstandings, I wasn't in a 4 year relationship, the relationship ended 4 years ago - though we were only together for a year or so, it really crushed me. I moved out of the country for 5 months just to get away from the memories! But that's beside the point. I know in the long run I'll be better off but I guess a part of my wanted this to work so badly because this was the first guy whom I allowed myself to like. And that's the problem, isn't it? I put all my dusty chips in one immature basket!!
guest569 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 I think you're right, I am annoyed at myself more than anything because I kept going back and forth...pretty much for the duration of whatever this 'thing' was. I was forever telling myself 'don't talk to him anymore', 'walk away' and somehow never could, I would convince myself that I could still make it happen even though my gut instinct told me it was hopeless. Yep! I can relate to this one. I deleted a guys number a few times but each time he returned i caved and thought "ok maybe he's just been busy" (kinda a casual relationship) i even reached out yet again after my breakup and asked if he's free a few days passed by, nothing. I am supposed to take the hint but i dont want to.. I dont get it when people say "you deserve someone who loves you and is mad about you" I've had a few relationships and never found that yet anyway sorry this has gone onto me, i just wanted to say i can relate to this back and forth nonsense that we put ourselves through.
Author poppy89 Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 I think it's because we wanted to believe in it so badly despite the fact that we knew it was never going to do anywhere. I feel like I was led on quite a bit that's what makes me so angry. If he didn't know what he wanted he should have nipped it in the bud and left me out of it! Wish I'd stopped talking to him months ago!
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 I think it's because we wanted to believe in it so badly despite the fact that we knew it was never going to do anywhere. I feel like I was led on quite a bit that's what makes me so angry. If he didn't know what he wanted he should have nipped it in the bud and left me out of it! Wish I'd stopped talking to him months ago! That is entirely what my initial response hinges on. He wouldn't say it, you suspected it, you allowed yourself to be led on, until finally YOU have to take decisive measures.... And that is infuriating - two ways: Once, against him, but also in part, with yourself....
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