Lintow Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 I am in my mid 30's and he is in his early 40's. We both have kids. Mine live with me and his live with his ex wife. We met on a dating site a little over a month ago. He lives about 4 hours away which isn't really that far. We have so much in common. From music all the way to the fact that we are both writers on the side. It's unlike any relationship I have ever been in. He comes in 3 times a month and stays the night before he has to head back home. We haven't assigned any labels for ourselves...ie. boyfriend..girlfriend He works a full time and I can't work anymore. We discussed our needs back in the beginning of our relationship and he knows I need a lot of physical attention. We agreed that since our time together is so limited that we could both seek out people to make sure we stay happy and fulfilled. I am pretty confident that he will not do this. We do talk everyday and he makes me really happy. This is where it gets complicated. My ex boyfriend and I broke up over a year ago however,during that time we continued to see each other. He has no desire to date but instead is trying to focus on himself and I (it's rather complicated on my end) haven't felt like I make a good partner for anyone due to extenuating circumstances. However,I remained hopeful that I could find love and make a good partner so I joined. My ex boyfriend didn't know I was looking. One night he came over to see the kids (which isn't unusual) and I hadn't been checking my phone because my partner was over. So he came over and saw his car. He asked me who it was and rather than answer I just blew up at him and we didn't talk for 2 weeks. After that I started to miss him and text. Of course he has put together the situation. I still love talking to him and seeing him and have had sex with him since. However,I also know he still has feelings for me and is having a really hard time with all this. We were together for 5 years and broke up a couple of times (I'm hard to please) and always wound up back together. This time,there isn't any romance feelings and hasn't been in sometime on my end. Same time,he is also one of the few people really close to me and I don't have any desire to look beyond him for company. With this new guy,I feel like I love him and he says the same. I've never been in a LDR before and let alone one that is this complicated.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 (edited) What do you want exactly, OP? It sounds like you don't know, really. You need to be honest first with your ex, and tell him you are seeing someone. If he has feelings for you, you need to stop hanging out and sleeping together as it gives him false hope. Why did you blow up at him when he asked you who was at your house? Seems a bit immature, no? If you're adult enough to have made this decision to see other people, own it. Or were you afraid he wouldn't want to see you anymore? Next, I feel you need to be honest with this new man. Yes, you agreed you could both see other people - but does he know you're actually doing so with your ex? And why are you so confident he isn't doing the same thing you are? Whose idea was it to have this open-door policy? (for lack of a better term) if you two want something more in the future, this freedom to see other people and have sex with them likely won't work well unless you are both experienced with open, polyamorous relationships. Are you? More importantly, be honest with yourself. You say you miss your ex and love seeing him. But you're not in love with him. So what do you miss? The friendship? Attention? Physical affection? Yes, lots of questions. But they are important ones, I think. You won't be able to keep up this arrangement forever. Someone is going to get hurt. You say it's complicated, but you're making it so. If you don't like it, look at your own behaviour and ask yourself how much it's contributing to this and what you can do about it. Edited October 3, 2015 by ExpatInItaly 1
Author Lintow Posted October 3, 2015 Author Posted October 3, 2015 (edited) What do you want exactly, OP? It sounds like you don't know, really. You need to be honest first with your ex, and tell him you are seeing someone. If he has feelings for you, you need to stop hanging out and sleeping together as it gives him false hope. Why did you blow up at him when he asked you who was at your house? Seems a bit immature, no? If you're adult enough to have made this decision to see other people, own it. Or were you afraid he wouldn't want to see you anymore? Next, I feel you need to be honest with this new man. Yes, you agreed you could both see other people - but does he know you're actually doing so with your ex? And why are you so confident he isn't doing the same thing you are? Whose idea was it to have this open-door policy? (for lack of a better term) if you two want something more in the future, this freedom to see other people and have sex with them likely won't work well unless you are both experienced with open, polyamorous relationships. Are you? More importantly, be honest with yourself. You say you miss your ex and love seeing him. But you're not in love with him. So what do you miss? The friendship? Attention? Physical affection? Yes, lots of questions. But they are important ones, I think. You won't be able to keep up this arrangement forever. Someone is going to get hurt. You say it's complicated, but you're making it so. If you don't like it, look at your own behaviour and ask yourself how much it's contributing to this and what you can do about it. I just basically wanted advice on how to handle all this. My ex and I had plans tonight and then the guy text and said he had worked things out and would be able to make the drive after work. So I did tell my ex. Which led to a blow out and I blurted out over text that I'm in love with the other guy and he is my priority. I really need to learn to control my anger. I know I badly hurt him tonight and I feel horrible about it. I honestly don't know why I blew up at him. It was a simple question and I should have told him from the very beginning that I was looking around. I know that I should have told him but I just didn't want to hurt him. He's such an amazing guy and he cares so much about me and the kids. Even after the break up he was there for me when even my friends were not available. My new guy he doesn't know what is going on. He knows I hang out with another guy but I don't feel it's fair to say "hey,I'm sleeping with my ex" I'm confident he's not because whenever he's not at work then he and I are talking. It was a mutual agreement to have an open relationship. I encourage him to do the same. I have very limited experience with open relationships and I don't like them but I also understand that when you can't physically be there for your partner that you still have needs. Honestly. I worry a lot about my ex. His family is sh**ty to him. His friends are always busy and want advice. It's all the things you mentioned. His friendship,attention and physical affection. He's honestly a really great guy. Edited October 3, 2015 by Lintow
justwhoiam Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 (edited) My take is that nothing good might come with any of these 2 guys. 1) You said you have children. Is there a father to these children? Do they share the same father? Is your ex the father? 2) Whose idea was it to have an open relationship where you can see, go out and sleep freely 3) Are you using protection when you have sex? Promiscuous relationship can bring bad news, or just news... 4) If you are in love with the new guy, then why are you having sex with your ex? Just because you can't handle being without sex while the new guy's not around? 5) I think you had sex with the new guy too early on. Obviously this is just my personal opinion. But you've been knowing him less than a month and seen him like 2 or 3 times only, for a night. I think you need to take the relationship out of the bedroom and out of the romantic realm. What activities do you do together? Have you gone shopping, to a museum, church, any cultural activity? 6) You need to understand if you are a) looking for company, b) looking for a partner, c) looking for a sexual partner, or d) you name it. Until then, it's difficult to suggest what to do. And without answers to the previous questions, it's even more difficult. P.S. How come you can't work? For the rest of your life? Edited October 4, 2015 by justwhoiam
Author Lintow Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 My take is that nothing good might come with any of these 2 guys. 1) You said you have children. Is there a father to these children? Do they share the same father? Is your ex the father? 2) Whose idea was it to have an open relationship where you can see, go out and sleep freely 3) Are you using protection when you have sex? Promiscuous relationship can bring bad news, or just news... 4) If you are in love with the new guy, then why are you having sex with your ex? Just because you can't handle being without sex while the new guy's not around? 5) I think you had sex with the new guy too early on. Obviously this is just my personal opinion. But you've been knowing him less than a month and seen him like 2 or 3 times only, for a night. I think you need to take the relationship out of the bedroom and out of the romantic realm. What activities do you do together? Have you gone shopping, to a museum, church, any cultural activity? 6) You need to understand if you are a) looking for company, b) looking for a partner, c) looking for a sexual partner, or d) you name it. Until then, it's difficult to suggest what to do. And without answers to the previous questions, it's even more difficult. P.S. How come you can't work? For the rest of your life? After the blow out me and my ex I had I'm not even sure if he will still be in the picture or not. 1) My ex is not the father. Their dad until recently hasn't really been involved in their lives. That was his choice. I've never withheld him visiting them. 2) It was a mutual agreement to have an open relationship. Due to the distance between us we felt that since we can't be there as much as we would like physically that we should seek out those that can. He encourages me to do so and I him. 3) I don't use any protection. Disease is a possibility but pregnancy is not. 4) I don't really know how to answer that one. My ex is just an amazing guy and I miss his friendship and his company. I also worry a lot about him. Sex just tends to happen when we get together. 5) We don't do anything. He makes it in usually sometime around noon and then has his own personal matters that he has to take care of and leaves the following morning. He has his own kids that he tries to see as often as possible. 6) I definitely want a partner. It's just that when I have no income and living with my mother that I don't really feel like I can be an equal partner. 7) I am disabled. The doctor's don't know exactly what it is as of yet but they did sign off to say that I can no longer work. Currently still awaiting for the verdict on my disability. Right now,I get by on child support and my 401K that I pulled out when I had to quit my job.
Lois_Griffin Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 We discussed our needs back in the beginning of our relationship and he knows I need a lot of physical attention. Well, that kind of contradicts your statement that you're 'unable' to work and need to go on Disability, since you apparently have no problems at all having sex and claim to need lots of physical attention. I can't imagine a desk job or being a greeter at Walmart requires MORE physical stamina than the act of having sex. It's a mystery, I guess. While you apparently have no qualms about playing sexual Russian Roulette with your sexual health, the LEAST you can do is warn the new guy so he can choose whether or not he wants to risk having sex with you since you claim you're not having sex with him. Is he avoiding getting physical because you live at your mom's and it's just distasteful to him to do anything in her house? In either event, you probably don't 'love' someone you only met a month ago. Thinking like that only 4 weeks in has 'failure' written all over it.
Author Lintow Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 Well, that kind of contradicts your statement that you're 'unable' to work and need to go on Disability, since you apparently have no problems at all having sex and claim to need lots of physical attention. I can't imagine a desk job or being a greeter at Walmart requires MORE physical stamina than the act of having sex. It's a mystery, I guess. While you apparently have no qualms about playing sexual Russian Roulette with your sexual health, the LEAST you can do is warn the new guy so he can choose whether or not he wants to risk having sex with you since you claim you're not having sex with him. Is he avoiding getting physical because you live at your mom's and it's just distasteful to him to do anything in her house? In either event, you probably don't 'love' someone you only met a month ago. Thinking like that only 4 weeks in has 'failure' written all over it. No it doesn't at all. I appreciate your comment and I would agree however,there are a lot of days I can't walk very well,or my legs will just get out,back will hurt,vertigo...there's a whole list of symptoms to be honest that vary from day to day. Some days I'm perfectly ok and then others I'm not. I think there's been some confusion and that is probably on my end. I am having sex with the new guy. He doesn't mind that I live with my mom. He only lives 4 hours away so it's not really been a problem. No disrespect intended but I have never understood why people think you can't fall in love quick. Love at first sight or I guess in this context..love at first text.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 You need to - at the very least - tell the new guy that you are currently sexually active with someone else. You are gambling with your and his health and he has the right to make an informed decision about whether or not to continue having unprotected sex with you. Why are you not protecting yourself? if you don't like open relationships, it doesn't make any sense at all that you are embarking on one, distance be damned. You are doing a disservice to yourself by agreeing to this if it's not really what you want.
Author Lintow Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 You need to - at the very least - tell the new guy that you are currently sexually active with someone else. You are gambling with your and his health and he has the right to make an informed decision about whether or not to continue having unprotected sex with you. Why are you not protecting yourself? if you don't like open relationships, it doesn't make any sense at all that you are embarking on one, distance be damned. You are doing a disservice to yourself by agreeing to this if it's not really what you want. I just don't really think about it. I like to think that I'm a very passionate person and just kind of get caught up in the moment,I guess. Most of my relationships last awhile (normally at least a year) although like I said this is my first time in a LDR. I don't really know how to answer that one. On one hand you are absolutely correct that I shouldn't be doing it. I'm just trying really hard to do what needs to be done so this one can work. Only being able to see him physically once a week,I'd drive myself crazy thinking about how much I miss him with the distractions.
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