coolcatric Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 Well i don't know from where to start. I am so messed up right now that i can't even articulate properly. However, i will try my best to make you understand what me going through & will look for your valued suggestions. I have been reading a lot online about ways on getting back EX. However, i believe that every case is unique & requires tailored approach. For example people are suggesting the NC approach, but i believe NC is more to do with forgetting your EX than getting her back. Now let me start with my tragic story. In total we dated for over 4.5 years & last week she called it off. I will break our relationship year wise & mention the main events/important things from that year. Please note, most of our relationship has been long distance within the same country. The last 1 year was long distance with different countries. But we made sure to meet on regular intervals. My current Age - 27 Her current age - 28 Year 2011. It started in the year 2011 when she approached me. In the beginning we were quite casual & never thought it will turn into something big. Most the time it was long distance but we met quite often. i was not serious for her, but she was obsessed with me & wanted to spend her life with me. Things kept on going on. Year 2012. We spend some quality time together & enjoyed every bit of it. We had our fights & ups and downs. However, in the month of February she cheated on me for another guy who was studying with her in her college. I somehow forgave her & accepted her back. She apologized a lot & promised never to do again. that was the time i realized that i really love her & i need to give her the required attention, time & love she deserves. It was me who was so stone heart that she went to some other guy. Things kept on sailing form here. Year 2013. She wanted commitment from me (marriage in future). i took my time & said a YES to her. things kept on moving, our fights were there & love was also there. Year 2014. Our fights increased, she had a feeling that we are incompatible & if we marry, then things will end up in a divorce. she said our thinking is very different. We loved each other a lot, hence was unable to take the bold stand of leaving each other & kept on going. This is year when i left my country & moved to another. Year 2015 i planned an international trip to surprise her for her B day ! She was delighted & happy. We had some crazy time together. But the thought that we should not marry was still in her mind & i was only growing stronger. In the month of May she cheated again on me with same guy with whom she cheated before. However, this left her in shock & she went into depression. she even went to consult a shrink. She became someone else. I came to know about this from this same guy. I was clueless on what to do. But i was blind in love with her. I cornered her with proof & asked her to explain this. She mentioned that it was mistake & i have full right to leave her. But i still accepted her, took this on me & decided to give her more love. However, things were never the same. She became half mad thinking about all this. She kept on thinking that Why she cheated on me again. Is she not in love with me that she took this step on cheating on me. She was clueless what she doing & did whatsoever possible to have clarity. She even did the angel reading to find answers about herself ! Things moved on, she kept on going far & far from me. I was pushing her for an answer, for her commitment. She took 2 months, she wanted to love me again, but she could not. She wanted to start this relationship fresh, but she could not. Finally, she said that she cannot feel for me, she feels nothing. There are no feelings left in her for me. She said she wants to focus on herself, she wants to do a job & become someone. All her life she has running after relationships & people. She achieved nothing. Also she is not working right now & hence cannot thing straight. Last week when i pushed her to take decision, she said NO ! She said she wants me to move on & not wait for her. She said she cannot be happy with me & breakup is what she wants. i tried to change her mind a lot. I cried a lot, but she not hard as stone. I really don't know what to do now. I don't message her now, thought she keeps on checking on me asking whether i am fine or not. she says she still cares for me because she's human. She does not want to reconsider her stand & wants me to move on. Please suggest what should i do ? I want to be with her. If i do the NC rule, then there are chances that i might lose her forever. i am really confused on what to do. I know, deep somewhere she still loves me. Feelings don't just die like that. Maybe because she cheated on me, she is not able to come out of out. Maybe the fact that she never accomplished anything is life is killing her. Maybe she loves the other guy. She also did some angel reading in that she asked a question that who loves her more. the answer was that both of us loves her equally. Maybe she is wanting to leave both of us & go a third guy (in future) so that none of us feels bad. i really need your help as i cannot concentrate on anything. All i do is live in the past & cant come out of the shock that she has left me & i have lost love of my life. Please help, i need her back !
Christos Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 (edited) You don't need her back. She is toxic for you. She is doing you a favour by leaving you. You may not realise this great gift she is giving you, by accepting all the blame and fault upon her soulders... She cheated on you plenty of times. The reason she doesn't feel anything for you, is because you took her back. You didn't even fck any of her friends (ok just kidding on that)... Seriously, how can she have respect for you, if you are such a pushover and a willing cuckold? Are you out of your mind? Grow a pair and find another woman. Forget about her. You don't need her, she is not the one. Total NC. Edited October 3, 2015 by Christos 3
Author coolcatric Posted October 3, 2015 Author Posted October 3, 2015 You don't need her back. She is toxic for you. She is doing you a favour by leaving you. You may not realise this great gift she is giving you, by accepting all the blame and fault upon her soulders... She cheated on you plenty of times. The reason she doesn't feel anything for you, is because you took her back. You didn't even fck any of her friends (ok just kidding on that)... Seriously, how can she have respect for you, if you are such a pushover and a willing cuckold? Are you out of your mind? Grow a pair and find another woman. Forget about her. You don't need her, she is not the one. Total NC. Trust me i want to move on. But then i remember the first 4 years of our relationship. The first time she cheated was again because i never used to give **** about her. I never used to treat her the way a women deserved. Obviously she will cheat on me. But yes, this second time i should not have accepted her back. But again, i cannot think of life without her.
Xidion Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 I'm just going to take a shot at this, but I'll assume this is what happened. This may be harsh but you need to hear this. After she cheated, you mentioned you felt you needed to give her the time and attention she deserved. However, you most likely layed it on very thick, became needy and insecure. Woman generally lose attraction when they are with a man who becomes needy. Any time you act from a fearful state, it's not good. If there's any way of getting her back, it's no contact.. her attraction for you has gone below 50%. If there is ANY attraction left in her for you, then she needs to know what it's like to miss you. That's your only shot. However, don't sit around waiting on her. Act as if she's gone and never coming back. I know this hurts, But right now you need to love YOU. Start working out.. exercise releases endorphins in your brain that make you feel happy. If she contacts you, ignore her. I know your every being will want to beg and plead if she contacts you, but don't... this only reinforces her decision to leave you. Be you, work on you, be a better version of yourself. Show her you can move on without her. There are 2 possibilites that will come of this.. 1. She will realize after time without hearing from you that she made a mistake. 2. You'll never hear from her, but you will be in the process of moving on and eventually be okay. Stay strong. This is all coming from someone who has been abandoned without notice a couple times. You HAVE to participate in your own rescue. Start now. 1
Christos Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 Trust me i want to move on. But then i remember the first 4 years of our relationship. The first time she cheated was again because i never used to give **** about her. I never used to treat her the way a women deserved. Obviously she will cheat on me. But yes, this second time i should not have accepted her back. But again, i cannot think of life without her. There is absolutely no justification for cheating. None. Zero. Nada. If she thought you didn't treat her right, and wanted to leave, the least she could do was to be open about your problems, try to fix those, and then if nothing improved, telling you she needs to go on with her life, dumb you in good terms, and then find another man. That's what responsible people do. Also, women don't deserve ****. Period. Women EARN a better treatment, by treating you right themselves. And the same is true for us men. Both of us, we don't "deserve" anything. We EARN it. Ok? Stop enabling female cheaters. "Oh i am not that entertaining, so she grew bored and fcked another man, oh it's all my fault, i deserved it". Grow a pair people, grow a pair... Life without her, will be perfect. You may actually find a decent person this time, to have a relationship with. Who knows. She may even have a heart, and a conscience, and some dignity and honor. Imagine that! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 You say you don't want to lose her, but she's been gone a long time. She emotionally and physically checked out a while before you broke up. Her repeated cheating - especially with the same man - indicates that her feelings for you just weren't that strong. And don't think for a second that you are somehow to blame for the first instance of cheating either; she could have broken up with you if she was so unhappy. But she didn't. And you then rewarded her terrible behaviour. OP, this is arse-backwards. You really need to let her go. She doesn't love you the way you love her. If she did, she wouldn't have betrayed you so badly. Spend time on yourself and ask yourself why you were so willing to let this girl get away with lying and cheating; those should be on a list of dealbreakers, not incentive to give her even more love. 1
organizedchaos Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 Trust me i want to move on. But then i remember the first 4 years of our relationship. The first time she cheated was again because i never used to give **** about her. I never used to treat her the way a women deserved. Obviously she will cheat on me. But yes, this second time i should not have accepted her back. But again, i cannot think of life without her. Do not make excuses for her cheating on you! Wtf kind of logic is that? Dude. Have some self respect. 3
Marc878 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 You are more the problem here than she is. Why marry a serial cheater???? Grow up consider yourself very lucky and moved on. 1
Author coolcatric Posted October 3, 2015 Author Posted October 3, 2015 I'm just going to take a shot at this, but I'll assume this is what happened. This may be harsh but you need to hear this. After she cheated, you mentioned you felt you needed to give her the time and attention she deserved. However, you most likely layed it on very thick, became needy and insecure. Woman generally lose attraction when they are with a man who becomes needy. Any time you act from a fearful state, it's not good. If there's any way of getting her back, it's no contact.. her attraction for you has gone below 50%. If there is ANY attraction left in her for you, then she needs to know what it's like to miss you. That's your only shot. However, don't sit around waiting on her. Act as if she's gone and never coming back. I know this hurts, But right now you need to love YOU. Start working out.. exercise releases endorphins in your brain that make you feel happy. If she contacts you, ignore her. I know your every being will want to beg and plead if she contacts you, but don't... this only reinforces her decision to leave you. Be you, work on you, be a better version of yourself. Show her you can move on without her. There are 2 possibilites that will come of this.. 1. She will realize after time without hearing from you that she made a mistake. 2. You'll never hear from her, but you will be in the process of moving on and eventually be okay. Stay strong. This is all coming from someone who has been abandoned without notice a couple times. You HAVE to participate in your own rescue. Start now. Exactly ! i was insecure & accepted her. This was the biggest mistake i think. rather she was expecting that i will leave her ! There is absolutely no justification for cheating. None. Zero. Nada. If she thought you didn't treat her right, and wanted to leave, the least she could do was to be open about your problems, try to fix those, and then if nothing improved, telling you she needs to go on with her life, dumb you in good terms, and then find another man. That's what responsible people do. Also, women don't deserve ****. Period. Women EARN a better treatment, by treating you right themselves. And the same is true for us men. Both of us, we don't "deserve" anything. We EARN it. Ok? Stop enabling female cheaters. "Oh i am not that entertaining, so she grew bored and fcked another man, oh it's all my fault, i deserved it". Grow a pair people, grow a pair... Life without her, will be perfect. You may actually find a decent person this time, to have a relationship with. Who knows. She may even have a heart, and a conscience, and some dignity and honor. Imagine that! Whatever you are saying is true. Each & every word of it. It is just that i am not able to accept the situation as it happened. Also, i cant believe the she did all this to me after all this time ! I remember the time when she used to call me & cry. She was so much in love with me. And once she had me fully, she got bored of me - That's the irony ! You say you don't want to lose her, but she's been gone a long time. She emotionally and physically checked out a while before you broke up. Her repeated cheating - especially with the same man - indicates that her feelings for you just weren't that strong. And don't think for a second that you are somehow to blame for the first instance of cheating either; she could have broken up with you if she was so unhappy. But she didn't. And you then rewarded her terrible behaviour. OP, this is arse-backwards. For the first time she cheated, she was right at her place. I never cared for her, left her to rot. Hence she experimented with this guy. But only after being with him, she realized she needed me only. So begged to me back with me. I accepted her. But cheating on me again with the same guy left me so insecure & broken. Specially when my family & everyone knew about us. You really need to let her go. She doesn't love you the way you love her. If she did, she wouldn't have betrayed you so badly. Spend time on yourself and ask yourself why you were so willing to let this girl get away with lying and cheating; those should be on a list of dealbreakers, not incentive to give her even more love. Do not make excuses for her cheating on you! Wtf kind of logic is that? Dude. Have some self respect. You are more the problem here than she is. Why marry a serial cheater???? Grow up consider yourself very lucky and moved on. Yes, i am more of a problem buddy ! We all did our sins ! I now strongly believe in KARMA. I left my EX for this girl 4.5 years back. She (my EX EX) went through some tough time. Looks like the same is happening to me now. Need to pay my debts !
Christos Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 Exactly ! i was insecure & accepted her. This was the biggest mistake i think. rather she was expecting that i will leave her ! Never accept a cheater back. NEVER. Unless you have kids, and the cheater moves mountains to be with you and make amends. Both of those need to apply. Else, discard, do not look back. Whatever you are saying is true. Each & every word of it. It is just that i am not able to accept the situation as it happened. Also, i cant believe the she did all this to me after all this time ! I remember the time when she used to call me & cry. She was so much in love with me. And once she had me fully, she got bored of me - That's the irony ! Such women want the thing they can't have. They are damaged goods. They prefer the excitement of the chase over the true feelings and responsibility of a stable relationship. They are not wife material. They are ONS and friends with benefits material. Yes, i am more of a problem buddy ! We all did our sins ! I now strongly believe in KARMA. I left my EX for this girl 4.5 years back. She (my EX EX) went through some tough time. Looks like the same is happening to me now. Need to pay my debts ! Same as above, this woman wanted what she couldn't or shouldn't have. You were a prize for her, because you were commited. Unless she didn't know. One thing to look for when you are in a commited relationship, is the women who flirt with you, approach you, and want to make things happen with you. Take notes. If you ever break up, avoid those women at all costs. Those women don't value commitment in other people lives because they don't value it in their lives. Avoid! Plus, that thing you said about Karma is true. But stop hitting yourself with it. It's ok, you paid, you became a cuckold, you were ridiculed. Move on.
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 ...I now strongly believe in KARMA. I left my EX for this girl 4.5 years back. She (my EX EX) went through some tough time. Looks like the same is happening to me now. Need to pay my debts ! ....Plus, that thing you said about Karma is true. But stop hitting yourself with it. It's ok, you paid, you became a cuckold, you were ridiculed. Move on. Actually, that's not Karma at all. Totally wrong. But hey, as a practising Buddhist, what would I know....?
Christos Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 Actually, that's not Karma at all. Totally wrong. But hey, as a practising Buddhist, what would I know....? Well, with all due respect, the only reason i use the word "Karma" is because it is widely accepted to mean "you get paid back what you deserve". Atheists use it all the time, and they don't care about the hardcore Buddhist definition of it. For me, a practicing Orthodox Christian, it would be Divine Justice, but i don't use that term in a multicultural environment. For some reason, in the "Christian" West, "Karma" is more appropriate and common.
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 Well, with all due respect, the only reason i use the word "Karma" is because it is widely accepted to mean "you get paid back what you deserve". Atheists use it all the time, and they don't care about the hardcore Buddhist definition of it. Isn't that a bit disrespectful...? appropriating terminology and twisting its meaning, simply because it happens to suit you, really isn't good form... is it? If a term is incorrect, then don't use it. Call it 'cosmic retribution if you want. But don't call it Karma, if karma, it isn't. For me, a practicing Orthodox Christian, it would be Divine Justice, but i don't use that term in a multicultural environment. For some reason, in the "Christian" West, "Karma" is more appropriate and common. How can it be appropriate if you've purloined an ancient term (older than Christianity itself) and turned it around to make it mean what you want it to mean, even if that definition is entirely incorrect? It's a bit like Christians insisting that the Immaculate Conception is the virgin birth. it isn't. They keep saying it, but it's wrong. Keeping saying it doesn't make it correct. Ok, I'm sorry. This is off-topic, but it really is quite offensive.
Christos Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 It's not offensive, at least it shouldn't be, but it is off topic. I didn't choose to use the term Karma, in general or in this thread in particular. I am just used to seeing people use it all the time, and 99% of them aren't Buddhists. I am feeling you only make a fuss about it to demonstrate your religion. Otherwise, just drop it. Ok we get it, you are a Buddhist, good for you, don't derail the thread.
Itspointless Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 coolcatric, your ex seems to be immature in that she takes what she wants and does solve problems by keeping it to her herself or blaming you for it: blaming directly or taking it out on you by shopping elsewhere. There is nothing you could have done about that. She needs to mature and hopefully will decide to work on herself in therapy some day. I am sorry for all the pain she has caused you. It is not you fault, but unfortunately she has used your insecurity to justify her behaviour to herself. I guess your insecurity is your quest to work on. Take care of yourself.
poppy89 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 (edited) This sounds like my first relationship - except I was aged 17-20 and now like to blame this for my behaviour. We'd been together 3.5 years and it was me who kept messing around, like your ex did. Do you know why I did it? Because I could. Because he kept letting me get away with it. Do you know another reason why I did it? Because I'd emotionally checked out of our relationship, I wasn't into him anymore but couldn't admit it to myself. The more I pushed him away, the less 'attainable' I was, the less I wanted him, the needier he became and, consequently, the less attractive he became to me, yet he wanted me more because I wasn't really his. Why did we stay together? We told ourselves it was love but it wasn't. We stayed together because it was habit. Because it was 'normal' to fight. You might not want to admit it to yourself, but your relationship should have ended after the first time she cheated. I wish he'd walked away after the first time, it'd have saved ourselves a lot of time, hurt and upset. Edited October 3, 2015 by poppy89 1
Author coolcatric Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 This sounds like my first relationship - except I was aged 17-20 and now like to blame this for my behaviour. We'd been together 3.5 years and it was me who kept messing around, like your ex did. Do you know why I did it? Because I could. Because he kept letting me get away with it. Do you know another reason why I did it? Because I'd emotionally checked out of our relationship, I wasn't into him anymore but couldn't admit it to myself. The more I pushed him away, the less 'attainable' I was, the less I wanted him, the needier he became and, consequently, the less attractive he became to me, yet he wanted me more because I wasn't really his. Why did we stay together? We told ourselves it was love but it wasn't. We stayed together because it was habit. Because it was 'normal' to fight. You might not want to admit it to yourself, but your relationship should have ended after the first time she cheated. I wish he'd walked away after the first time, it'd have saved ourselves a lot of time, hurt and upset. While I want to believe each and every word of what you say, as it is coming from experience. But somewhere I am not able to accept the fact that she has moved on and changed this much. The more I wanted her, the farther she went. I believe this is human nature. You don't want what you have and you want what you don't have. I should have checked out of this relationship few years back itself. But the last 2 years were great. She were talking about our future, she met my family etc. And my heart knows that I had her. But this last incident left both of us in shock. Even she was not sure why she cheated again on me. That's why she went to a shrink also. She even went on to do angel reading and stuff. She left her job because of all this trauma and confusion that was going in her mind. Her friends say she has become another person and the real she is lost somewhere. Seeing her in this condition was what made me support her again. I guess I should have walked away. Having said that, I still want her in my life. She is not that bad as it seems out here. Even I am not the perfect guy and have done mistakes.
Author coolcatric Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 Also, to all my friends here. It may look like that she is a real bad person because of what she did to me. However it may look like that because its coming from my side of story. I am sure even she will have her own version of things. We both have done mistakes. She with cheating and me with hurting her emotionally at various instances. Hence, I split the blame. Having said that, I still need her back in my life. Yes I have a pair and I know I can move on. But somethings cannot be replaced, and she is one of them. Last week when she called it off, I was very desperate and cried in front of her. That was our last meeting. She tried to contact me afterwards asking how I am and she was worried if I would do something to myself. I told her clearly that I will not do anything to self, nor I need her care or pity. Since then we have not spoken, only some Good Night WhatsApp msg that she sends daily. To which I don't reply. I want to do a gamble here, on getting her back. My queries are - 1. Should I just keep ignoring her the way I m doing right now 2. Should I curse her or politely tell the list of things which I did for her and try to make her guilty ? 3. Should I bring up old topics of she cheating on me and still I forgiving her etc. 4. Or any other suggestions you have for me. 10th October is my b day and I am sure she will wish me and contact me. How should j react ? Please remember, I still want her back. I can wait though. Peace.
Christos Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Nope, she is a bad person, and she has no excuse for the things she did. If you aren't lying, we don't need her side of the story. But, you are a doormat, so of course you want her back. And it is the reason she has no respect for you. It's ok, some people have a need to have sex without investing in a relationship, letting another fool paying and emotionally supporting the hole they are filling, cuckolds have their use in society. Don't forget to receive her with open arms when she comes back!
poppy89 Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Your relationship is broken. Even if she does come back, it will only end again sooner or later. You're still in denial because your hurting but trust me, it's done. She gets in contact because you're her safety net and she feels guilty. Face the truth! These games you are trying to play to win her back won't work - ask her straight up and she'll say: I don't know. Do you know why? Because she needs to call the shots. This relationship can never be what you need it to be. The truth hurts but you're making excuses for her behaviour when actually, maybe she has just changed. I know I did! People change, doesn't mean there's anything wrong. You're just prolonging your own suffering whilst going round in circles - but then, that was always your thing as a couple, wasn't it? Habit. I'm sorry if this seems harsh, I don't mean it to be, but you need to let go. Move on.
organizedchaos Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Also, to all my friends here. It may look like that she is a real bad person because of what she did to me. However it may look like that because its coming from my side of story. I am sure even she will have her own version of things. We both have done mistakes. She with cheating and me with hurting her emotionally at various instances. Hence, I split the blame. Having said that, I still need her back in my life. Yes I have a pair and I know I can move on. But somethings cannot be replaced, and she is one of them. Last week when she called it off, I was very desperate and cried in front of her. That was our last meeting. She tried to contact me afterwards asking how I am and she was worried if I would do something to myself. I told her clearly that I will not do anything to self, nor I need her care or pity. Since then we have not spoken, only some Good Night WhatsApp msg that she sends daily. To which I don't reply. I want to do a gamble here, on getting her back. My queries are - 1. Should I just keep ignoring her the way I m doing right now 2. Should I curse her or politely tell the list of things which I did for her and try to make her guilty ? 3. Should I bring up old topics of she cheating on me and still I forgiving her etc. 4. Or any other suggestions you have for me. 10th October is my b day and I am sure she will wish me and contact me. How should j react ? Please remember, I still want her back. I can wait though. Peace. Sorry dude, but everyone and everything, can be replaced. And it can be even better. You got lots to learn.
Author coolcatric Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 Ok Mates, so i went into NC. Total NC. Though there have been some exceptions which i took during the NC. Like - On my B day she called me like 10 times, in the end i decided to answer her call. She wished me, we spoke for couple of minutes & that's it. No more call post that. In between she used to message me with some motivational messages on whatspp. Ask me how i am etc., to which i totally ignored. I was in total NC until last night. She again started to call me again & again. She messaged me that she has some urgent work. I answered her call then & we ended up talking for hours. And yes i was drunk (but i did not say anything stupid). this morning we spoke again, i wanted to ask her something. Some straight questions - 1. Why she called me - She said was missing me a lot that's why 2. Is this her guilt speaking - No, no pitty, no guilt. 3. What does she want from me now - Nothing, she cannot move on. I told her I dont want to be friends with her, she respects this decision. She is still not clear on what she wants. But she admits she misses me & she cannot move on. She tired to date someone else, spoke to him over phone, said yes after few days. And ended within a day of saying Yes. Ok guys, so i know you will say move on & she is not the one for you and all. But i want to give this relation another chance. And i want this to be her idea. Not mine. As it is i am strong now & have accepted whatever happened.
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