Feeling emotionally detached/Her storied past

[ICS]

Six months ago, I met a lovely girl from an online dating site who I was instantly attracted to. The feeling was mutual and she decided to keep seeing me. From the start, I understood that she lives alone with her mom, has a big extended family, and works many hours in her day to day job. She is very independent and spends alot of time either on her own, with her mom, or with her few friends - which is reasonable.

 

In the beginning of the relationship, she expressed how she has a difficult time opening up and letting others in, and broke out in tears telling me. I never truly knew why she brought this up, but now it is beginning to make sense.

 

I have a great time seeing her every week. We could talk for hours and simply spend time doing nothing and still be completely happy. However, she makes it impossible for us to see each other more than once a week, despite us living 15 minutes from each other. Essentially, it feels as though she is emotionally distant from me when we are not seeing each other. Text messages are not replied to until 7 hours later, and are littered with many words like "hope your day is going well", or "hope you are feeling better", etc. This bugs me alot because she is acting like an outsider in my life - until we see each other and all is well.

 

Recently, she had also spent considerable time planning a wedding for her brother, but never once invited me to go with her, or remotely mentioned me at all. And of course, I never felt right about inviting myself, so I just let it go and gave her the benefit of the doubt. My coworkers and friends all think that it is a big red flag, or that she is ashamed of me, or that she has not decided who I am to her, and does not want to make that public.

On the flipside, we talk on the phone for about 1 hour per night, but this does not help make her feel less distant from me, since we only talk before going to bed to recap our days spent not being with each other. Everything is very routine and very predictable. I know that she has a busy life, but there are many days that she has lots of free time, but does not suggest seeing me either.

 

About a month ago, I suggested that we go for a weekend outing to see the autumn leaves up north, which would require about 2 days (Friday and Saturday). She liked the idea, but told me that she most likely cannot find time to do it.

 

I have expressed my concerns and my feelings about being alone even when I am in a relationship with her. This is the single issue that we “fight” about. Crying and emotional, she told me that she does not know if we are right for each other. She tells me that I am a fantastic boyfriend, but is afraid that I might not be very responsible or supportive if we get married. My understanding is that this is a big concern for her because her father was angry and violent because he could not deal with the stress of having a family, and her parents had a divorce at an early age. I assume that perhaps she is afraid that I would become just like how her father was. I tried to address her concerns in the conversation, yet she still tells me that she could never dive in 100%, and suggests that I could spend more time with her if I spend it with her mom and her and help out on chores and everyday things. While I don’t mind doing that, I see it as her already cruxifying me as someone like her father. I don’t believe that this is the solution, because having to prove myself means that I AM that person to begin with, and is simply not a solution to address her insecurities properly. I am also afraid that her insecurities will also affect other parts of our relationship, and I don't know what to do.

 

Ironically, she is making these assumptions about me because she knows that I do not have to do chores around the house, and that in the beginning of the relationship, I was happy with "only" paying 50:50 for meals, whereas she wanted me to “provide” sometimes. I have been paying for entire meals very often ever since. She dismisses my paying for meals as addressing her concern by saying that I only do that because she brought it up, and that because I like her, and might revert to my "other ways" later.

 

Essentially, she is a great girl, but her behaviour/lack of closeness, and insecurities upsets me. I have a feeling that her method of solving problems is to simply dismiss them (not to be too close to me, not invite me to her brother’s wedding, or suggest that I do activities alone instead of together).

 

In fact, there are days where I feel completely miserable not hearing back from her via text, or not able to talk to her when I feel down/depressed, or simply want to share little tidbits of my life with her. There are also many days where I go through entire cycles of depression and rationalization before she decides she has time to talk to me or spend with me. I am torn and this is affecting my sleep, my work, and my emotions all too frequently, and I feel that the person I care about the most is simply not emotionally or physically available for me because of her past.

 

Please help!

[JasmineJones]

What is the problem exactly?

[smackie9]

If you are already bikering about who pays their share, how much time spent together, and who's priorities are more important....then she's right, it's not working out.

 

There is nothing wrong with leaving a relationship that isn't meant to be. In fact it's the right thing to do.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think that she likes you well enough but isn't really ready for a relationship. She is throwing up walls and making it very difficult to get close to her. Her reasoning about you not being responsible or supportive if you get married is rather ridiculous, considering you don't even have much a of relationship now because of her distancing behaviour. I can't fathom how marriage talk even plays a role when you've barely had an opportunity to form a real relationship, and I would wager this is an excuse to cover up the real underlying issue. if she has some unresolved intimacy problems based on her past, you can't do much unless she works to address those.

 

Look, a relationship requires effort on both parties' parts. You seem to be doing much more of that, while she complains. There's an incompatibility here; you have different visions of what a relationship should look like. You're only six months in and you're already unhappy. You've addressed this with her. And it's clearly still not working. I don't think I would continue this relationship.

[ICS]

What is the problem exactly?

 

I want things to work for us, but she is afraid and so she just gives up even approaching the problem at all.

 

If I am understanding her correctly, she is being distant from me not necessarily because she does not have time, but because she is scared to become too invested for fear that I will abandon her like her father did. I never gave her any legitimate reasons to think that, but it sure makes her life easier when she thinks of me that way.

 

Because she is scared, she rationalizes different things about me to make me seem unfit to her, which makes it easier for her because she has a hard time letting people in (and so she doesn't have to let me in).

[Ami1uwant]

When was the wedding in your dating timeline? It could have been too early in the relationship to introduce you to family. I doesnt look at it as a red flag. Especially if there was a large group of stunts/uncles/cousins who she just didn't want to deal with the pressure from them about who thus new guy is.

 

Of you have net her family before the wedding then there could have been something else like a guy echo was a friend of her brothers she had interest in was going to be there so she wanted to be available or if her and her brother had a bunch of common friends where she just wanted to socialize with out feeling she had to entertain you

[Ami1uwant]

I want things to work for us, but she is afraid and so she just gives up even approaching the problem at all.

 

If I am understanding her correctly, she is being distant from me not necessarily because she does not have time, but because she is scared to become too invested for fear that I will abandon her like her father did. I never gave her any legitimate reasons to think that, but it sure makes her life easier when she thinks of me that way.

 

Because she is scared, she rationalizes different things about me to make me seem unfit to her, which makes it easier for her because she has a hard time letting people in (and so she doesn't have to let me in).

 

 

Have you asked her about past boyfriends? What dud she say about them?

[scooby-philly]

Six months ago, I met a lovely girl from an online dating site who I was instantly attracted to. The feeling was mutual and she decided to keep seeing me. From the start, I understood that she lives alone with her mom, has a big extended family, and works many hours in her day to day job. She is very independent and spends alot of time either on her own, with her mom, or with her few friends - which is reasonable.

 

Every person has their own understanding of what a relationship entails - in terms of time spent with each other, planning, how and how often they talk/respond etc. It's important to understand this up front. You need to be truthful to yourself. If you want to be able to see her more and she doesn't give you the opportunity, you make it and make it clear to her. However, that said, with what you've shared it seems like she doesn't know really what to do either and a relationship needs to be a 50/50 split. Why is she planning a wedding for her brother? That's a bit odd - can he not take care of himself? That right there is a big red flag!

 

In the beginning of the relationship, she expressed how she has a difficult time opening up and letting others in, and broke out in tears telling me. I never truly knew why she brought this up, but now it is beginning to make sense.

We've all got mental blocks, limits, past mistakes, etc. And letting it out early isn't always a bad thing if the person hasn't reached a point where they've accepted who they are, what they want, and what they're doing differently to change their circumstances. In this case, it seems like she's a caretaker to others and doesn't have the inclination to help herself or even a desire to take care of you. She "wants" a boyfriend but doesn't really life her life with you as a core of her life.

I have a great time seeing her every week. We could talk for hours and simply spend time doing nothing and still be completely happy. However, she makes it impossible for us to see each other more than once a week, despite us living 15 minutes from each other. Essentially, it feels as though she is emotionally distant from me when we are not seeing each other. Text messages are not replied to until 7 hours later, and are littered with many words like "hope your day is going well", or "hope you are feeling better", etc. This bugs me alot because she is acting like an outsider in my life - until we see each other and all is well. Do you tell her things about your life, family, friends, job? If she always responds with generic lines then she doesn't have anything vested in you. She is either too busy, not that attracted to you, or too hurt by the past and is preventing herself from getting hurt again

 

Recently, she had also spent considerable time planning a wedding for her brother, but never once invited me to go with her, or remotely mentioned me at all. And of course, I never felt right about inviting myself, so I just let it go and gave her the benefit of the doubt. My coworkers and friends all think that it is a big red flag, or that she is ashamed of me, or that she has not decided who I am to her, and does not want to make that public.

On the flipside, we talk on the phone for about 1 hour per night, but this does not help make her feel less distant from me, since we only talk before going to bed to recap our days spent not being with each other. Everything is very routine and very predictable. I know that she has a busy life, but there are many days that she has lots of free time, but does not suggest seeing me either. That's the biggest red flag!

 

About a month ago, I suggested that we go for a weekend outing to see the autumn leaves up north, which would require about 2 days (Friday and Saturday). She liked the idea, but told me that she most likely cannot find time to do it.People find the time for what matters to them. and WHO matters.

 

I have expressed my concerns and my feelings about being alone even when I am in a relationship with her. This is the single issue that we “fight” about. Crying and emotional, she told me that she does not know if we are right for each other.I don't recommend breaking up to people on this site, unless they give a lot of detail over the course of a thread and the situation is clear and they're presenting an unbiased view of the circumstance as they possibly can. My friend, she's not ready for you, not ready for a relationship as you define it, and you'll only be more hurt by hanging on. Let it go now.

 

She tells me that I am a fantastic boyfriend, but is afraid that I might not be very responsible or supportive if we get married. My understanding is that this is a big concern for her because her father was angry and violent because he could not deal with the stress of having a family, and her parents had a divorce at an early age. I assume that perhaps she is afraid that I would become just like how her father was. I tried to address her concerns in the conversation, yet she still tells me that she could never dive in 100%, and suggests that I could spend more time with her if I spend it with her mom and her and help out on chores and everyday things. While I don’t mind doing that, I see it as her already cruxifying me as someone like her father. Dude, at this point run away. She wants someone to completely sacrifice themselves because of her past. She's not ready. With both my long-term exes I learned that I have a lot to offer and that I want a balance in a relationship. And communication. And mutuality. In neither case did I get those despite me doing those little things. Seriously, respect yourself. There's nothing wrong with being single. Stop and think about all the people together who are miserable, who are only together for various reasons of convenience, or who just appear to be together.

 

I don’t believe that this is the solution, because having to prove myself means that I AM that person to begin with, and is simply not a solution to address her insecurities properly. I am also afraid that her insecurities will also affect other parts of our relationship, and I don't know what to do.There is not relationship here. I'm sure she's done somethings for you, but she's already told you to start running the gauntlet, and there's no proof that even if you do she'll be there for you or things will get better or that the gauntlet will ever stop

 

Ironically, she is making these assumptions about me because she knows that I do not have to do chores around the house, and that in the beginning of the relationship, I was happy with "only" paying 50:50 for meals, whereas she wanted me to “provide” sometimes. I have been paying for entire meals very often ever since. She dismisses my paying for meals as addressing her concern by saying that I only do that because she brought it up, and that because I like her, and might revert to my "other ways" later.After 2-3 dates, it's 50-50 with exceptions for special events - b-day, surprises, valentine's day. etc. She's subconsciously using you while also putting you through the ringer because of ther father.

 

Essentially, she is a great girl, but her behaviour/lack of closeness, and insecurities upsets me. I have a feeling that her method of solving problems is to simply dismiss them (not to be too close to me, not invite me to her brother’s wedding, or suggest that I do activities alone instead of together).Sounds just like her dad

 

In fact, there are days where I feel completely miserable not hearing back from her via text, or not able to talk to her when I feel down/depressed, or simply want to share little tidbits of my life with her. There are also many days where I go through entire cycles of depression and rationalization before she decides she has time to talk to me or spend with me. I am torn and this is affecting my sleep, my work, and my emotions all too frequently, and I feel that the person I care about the most is simply not emotionally or physically available for me because of her past. Seriously - even if you can't stop seeing her yet, go out to a bar, a comedy club, a hotel bar, and just start talking to women.

 

Please help!

 

Seriously my friend, I don't know a thing about you, but from what you've shared - you deserve better.

[katiegrl]

So....she is emotionally distant, does not respond to your texts in a timely manner, does not care to spend time with you one-on-one despite only living 15 minutes away ....but then suggests if you want to spend more time with her, it must be with her and her mom helping with chores?

 

That is so screwed up, it's almost laughable.

 

But in her warped mind, that is how to show her you are serious about the RL and responsible. By helping her mom with chores, and other everyday things. (Shaking head at the absurdity).

 

And you say you would not mind that but.....?

 

Dude!!! You *should* mind that. ...she is manipulating you and that is fu*cked up!

 

You feel alone, and your instincts are telling you something is off, and you're shutting down emotionally as a result.

 

THAT is the correct response, trust your instincts, they are right on.

 

The girl has got some major issues that sorry you can't fix.

 

End this, and suggest she seek therapy for what happened with her dad. Wish her well, and move on.

 

My two cents FWIW.

Edited October 3, 2015 by katiegrl

[LostOnes05]

Katiegrl is giving you some solid advice. You ARE NOT her maid, so you helping with chores in her house is not something she should be forcing upon you. If you want to help, by all means help. The distance and making you "prove" yourself to her is a game, and her way of mentally breaking up with you while you're still around. Nothing you do for her will be sufficient to prove yourself. In the end, you will have exerted so much effort to come up short anyway. Cut your losses now before you fall deeper into the rabbit hole.

[autumnnight]

It's sad because it sounds like this girl has some past hurts and issues. However, she seems to be projecting them onto you. None of us are without "dysfunction," but at some point, we have to deal with our stuff and treat the person in front of us like, well, the person in front of us.

 

It is not your job to make up for her father's mistakes. It is not your job to do chores. It is not even your job to wait her out, hoping she'll let the walls down.

 

If she is not ready for the type of relationship you are ready for, then it may just not be the right relationship for you.

[ICS]

I feel that my time with her may be limited, but she is the first girl that I have felt great about in a long time (since my last serious relationship).

 

Unfortunately, I also understand that the reason she is so affectionate (when we see each other only) is probably because she has abandonment issues. When I rationalize it in my mind, it feels that she is afraid of abandonment, and so she distances herself from me and see me or become engaged in my life only in limited ways, as a self-defense to prevent the possibility of me abandoning her. There are several instances where she has become emotional and in tears when we talked about her father, or when I had to leave her for the night. In one instance, we talked about her father over the phone, and she ended up calling me early in the morning, crying, emotional, and seeking intimacy. In another instance, we were cozy together at her house, but I had to leave early to avoid costly parking tickets. She cried and stood all sad by her door, despite me staying an extra 1/2 hour.

 

I have communicated a similar message to her about what I understood about her behaviour, which she has reflected on all week. Still, I don't believe that rationalization is enough to change things. Am I right?

 

Yes, I realize that I am not perfect either, and probably have my own emotional baggage, like most people. So many times this week I wanted to split off from her and end the pain, but I know that part of her further distancing recently is because of our arguments too, and that the man in the relationship should always try to lead. I want to be completely fair to her and to me to resolve our problems, and simply told her I was picking her up from work (twice this week already, and she agreed without resisting). This weekend, I am planning to go on an overnight trip with her. This, to me, is my way of attempting to address her abandonment issues, and to get us more face time.

 

So far, she is 70% as affectionate as she used to be when I see her, but has never initiated any conversation or discussed spending time with me all week. It feels one sided. It's painful, and I only partially feel that she is with me on this. It's 9pm at night, and I have not heard from her once all day. This is semi-typical for her because of her extended hours at work, but I can't fathom that she has no time at all to write me. Perhaps foolishly, I am testing her to see if our spending more time together this week has made her think of me more, but I am losing that bet rather quickly.

 

Do you guys think I am approaching this correctly? Does it simply take more time? Could we just be incompatible? Is it her insecurities? I am lost but trying to be strong and temporarily discount the hurt I felt from last week to see if I could save the relationship.

Edited October 9, 2015 by ICS

[xcupid]

Look at how you're reacting to this situation with her. Is that a happy, loving relationship you're in? No. She has issues which she has to work on. They're not issues you can fix. I don't see much for you to save in this relationship unless you enjoy the pain and hurt you keep going through. Too many red flags here. Good luck.

[ICS]

Look at how you're reacting to this situation with her. Is that a happy, loving relationship you're in? No. She has issues which she has to work on. They're not issues you can fix. I don't see much for you to save in this relationship unless you enjoy the pain and hurt you keep going through. Too many red flags here. Good luck.

 

You are right. She invited me to her house tonight to spend time with her. Her mom was acting awfully out of character too. As we started talking, I learned that she didn't want to see me anymore, saying that she loves me but in her gut, she never felt that we are meant for each other. When pressed further, she also told me that this was the best relationship she has had, and that she never felt this strongly about anyone in previous relationships either. She told me that she cannot give me what I want, because she does not feel a burning desire to be with me and me only, and could not be as committed as I am, and that it was hurting me (of course).

 

I spent 5 hours talking and trying to see if things could change, but she didn't want that. I was extremely upset that my efforts to rescue the relationship and from her hurting me had changed to her deciding to stop seeing me. When I left her house, she was crying, but I was trying to maintain my outward calm the whole time despite the storm in my head. I completely shut down emotionally and could not look her in the eye, and had nothing that I wanted to say or ask her anymore. I just simply wanted to stop feeling anything at all.

 

It's a sad, sad night. I don't know what else I could have done.

[ICS]

Can someone give me some advice?

 

The breakup last night was very unsettling. Lots of crying, lots of tugging at the heart strings, and the feeling from the knowledge that I can't see her again really hurts bad.

 

I still love her, and she feels the same about me too, but doesn't think we are meant for each other. There were lots of unspoken words and not much of a closure - I find those things very hard to do, but I already regret that this morning - of not spending time sitting down calmly for closure.

 

She tells me that I could call her, and that we could hang out, but not as a relationship.

 

I know that her decision to cut things off is probably the right one, considering I felt that way recently too, because of the pain.

 

But, is there a middle ground? I don't want her to be hurt, and I also don't want to feel this way.

[acrosstheuniverse]

No, there's no middle ground. You can't take away her pain, she's doing a good job of it herself by ending a relationship that she doesn't think is going to go anywhere and that she feels is just going to get more difficult to extricate herself from in the future. Leave her alone, go total No Contact, this is for your own benefit but if it makes you feel better it'll help her heal more quickly too.

 

Sometimes when you get dumped you never truly feel like you get 'closure'... but even if you sat and talked for a week about why it wasn't working, you'd never feel closure because you'd never get the answer you're looking for, that she made a mistake and wants you back. You're looking for something that isn't there. The only closure you can get is from knowing that she doesn't want to be with you, the reasons why are irrelevant, she doesn't want to be your girlfriend end of story. That's all the closure that's necessary: you deserve to be with someone who's crazy about you and will work to keep you, she isn't that girl.

 

Break ups suck, they hurt like hell, it's difficult but the best way out of it is to simply erase traces of the other person from your life and focus on getting up and going through the motions each day until one day your heart doesn't hurt quite as much for the whole day, it's uphill from there.

 

Hanging out 'not as relationship' is the worst POSSIBLE thing you can do in this situation by the way. You're not friends, you're exes. People think it's the least painful way to do it because you don't have to deal right away with that person leaving your life totally but it just prolongs the agony. You'll be in pain seeing her knowing you can't have her anymore (and if you were true friends you'll hear all about it if she dates again), she'll be doing it out of pity thinking it's easier on you and you're just delaying the healing process. I think most people know that already but sadly tend to have masochistic tendencies when relationships come to an end.

 

For what it's worth I'm not so sure she was ever really into you enough to begin with but six months is a decent length of time to try. I'm sure she liked you a lot but something was missing, it's strange not to take a boyfriend to a family wedding if you've been together a few months, and even if you work all of the hours under the sun it's still possible to make the other person feel loved and wanted by contacting them lots when out of work, sending a quick message on a toilet break, and so forth. I also felt like I had abandonment issues at one point and I felt that was wrecking a dating relationship I had a couple of years ago... we ended things, but the next guy I was so crazy about that despite the different issues you end up with when you've been abandoned, I was willing and trusting enough to try and work past them. I'm saying this as I don't think it'll help you to keep thinking 'if only she could work past the abandonment issues' or her other issues... when you like someone enough, you try hard to make it work.

 

I found one of the most helpful refreshing things when I was left after a relationship was to acknowledge to myself 'he just didn't love me or want to be with me enough to want it to work out'. It's true. It made me realise I deserve better, and deserve the partner who thinks I'm too special to lose. Life is cruel. Unrequited love is tough. We've all been there, you'll make it through day by day.