Why is he contacting me to tell me he still doesn't love me?

[AshleySher]

I was dating a guy for a year. After a few months his job made him travel for weeks/ a month at a time. It was an adjustment, but we were happy. I thought. He flew me to visit him in another country ... Then when we got home he dumped me. Needless to say I was shocked and devastated. He said that I was in love but he just wasn't. It was painful, But we were civil about it. He wanted to stay friends, but I declined. I know myself, and I know I would just stay in love. We have some mutual friends tho, and I promised I would be friendly and kind if/when we do run into each other. It will be rare since he's moving across country and still travels a lot, but I would never want things to be uncomfortable.

 

So I deleted him on social media, again not to hurt him, but to help me move on. I haven't texted called or bothered our mutual friends or his family. I haven't posted anything about it, and it's making the pain easier. I only asked he return a couple of my books. Which he did a week later ... with a one page letter. He explained again how sometimes both people don't fall in love (almost all of it was for that!) and that he hopes with we can be friends or at least civil with time. That I always have a place in his heart.

 

My question is why? He's obviously not trying to get me back. I was disappointed and hurt, but things ended politely. We said goodbye there was no yelling. I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me, I'm obviously grieving. Why did he need to reopen this wound? I don't need you to remind me you don't love me, got that. And do I respond? Instinct says no. I just wanting this to be civil, but I can't have someone re breakup with me weekly!

[BC1980]

I definitely would not respond to the letter. I really see no point because there is nothing left to be said, and speaking to him would only reopen old wounds. You rightly pointed out that he said he did not love you, so there is really no more need for any explanation. It's very black and white. You understand more than him in this situation.

 

I think that he may have written that letter out of guilt. Maybe he felt badly that he couldn't reciprocate your love, and he felt that explaining that to you more thoroughly would alleviate his guilt and help you understand. I think it's very patronizing, but maybe he didn't do it from a bad place. Maybe he just doesn't have the self-awareness to understand that he needs to leave you alone.

 

He might also have taken an ego hit when you didn't beg/plead but instead declined friendship and blocked him on social media. Maybe he wrote the letter in an attempt to elicit some type of response. I think it could be any of these things, but what you are doing so far is the correct response.

[Samuel_22]

The reason is that the guy is not really in love with you, but wants to take advantage of services you can provide him with. One of these services you can provide him with is being his back up plan. He is a narcissist period.

These people can operate in extremely manipulative ways within the context of relationships due to their deceitfulness, lack of empathy, and their tendency to be interpersonally exploitative.

One of the worst things these people do, is to keep bothering their victims, as soon as they feel their victims are fine and are living their lives they show up, with an offer or a reconciliation offer,. The reason is that these people only seek admiration they can get from others.

Stay away from this guy at all cost, he is toxic, and you RS was also toxic to begin with, did you experience these phases during your RS?

1. The Idolization Phase: You are his entire world. This is the first phase where the person frequently puts you on pedestal and keeps admiring you day in and day out, to the extent you feel it is too much, frequent texting, shallow flattery etc this is also know as ''love bombing'' their victims think they have found the right soul mate

2. The devaluation Phase: The devaluation phase is subsequent to this idealization phase, and this is when you’re left wondering why you were so abruptly thrust off the pedestal. The narcissist will suddenly start to blow hot and cold, criticizing you, covertly and overtly putting you down, comparing you to others, stonewalling you, emotionally withdrawing from you and giving you the silent treatment when you’ve failed to meet their extreme “standards.”

In this phase they push you to the stage, you become ''clingy'', ''needy''... as time passes by you feel things are getting worse, and you start thinking if you stop being ''needy'', ''clingy'' you will get the love you used to get from they guy which you won't

3. The Discard Phase: During the discard phase, the narcissist abandons his or her victim in the most horrific, demeaning way possible to convince the victim that he or she is worthless. This could range from: leaving the victim for another lover, humiliating the victim in public, blatantly ignoring the partner for a long period of time, being physically aggressive and a whole range of other demeaning behaviors to communicate to the victim that he or she is no longer important.

4. It was not enough phase: This last phase is when the person shows up again with an offer like a friendship or reconciliation just to bother the victim again. It is true that Narcissists feel good about themselves by hurting others.

If you have experienced any of these symptoms in his behavior, that just goes to show you what this guy is made of. I would stay away from this guy.

[dumbass2]

One thing you do have to remember is that if someone tells you they are not in love with you, believe them. His actions have also showed you that he doesn't love you. He may just want to be friends. He may feel a little guilty which is why he sent along that nice letter. Really not much more than that. He has not shown you he wants you back and it sounds like he doesn't. Don't play anything else into it other than he does still like some things about you and maybe wouldn't mind "just" being friends. You know, have your cake and it type scenario for him. You are still in love with him, so there is no being friends on your part.