Dating while parent is sick

[laelithia]

I'm feeling particularly discouraged today. My mom was diagnosed with cancer last year, and originally was given a prognosis of about 10 years to live, but now it's more likely 1-2. There's a chance a transplant could save her, but it's incredibly risky.

 

Before I found all this out, I've been dating with very little long term success. Now that things have become so serious, I'm finding the dating process even more difficult and am wondering if I should give it up altogether.

 

I've been casually seeing someone for just over 6 weeks (I've written a previous thread about his lack of communication) and as I'm dealing with the horrible situation with my mom's health, I find more and more I would like to discuss if this "relationship" has any possibility of a future with him. I've told him a bit of what's going on with my mom, and he doesn't really seem to know what to say. But yesterday, he called me and we casually made plans to hang out after he returned to the city and he would let me know even he was home. However, he didn't message me when I thought he should have made it home by then so I asked him if he made it and was still interested in seeing each other, and he said he had gotten in 30 min ago and didn't feel up to it since he's still battling a cold. He vaguely asked for a rain check for this weekend, to which I replied we would see what happens. I was angry that he didn't cancel earlier, and that I still think he could be lying and dating other people (even though he's said he's not). Anyway, I ended up calling my dad to ask his opinion and he ended up getting frustrated with me. I felt very bad since I want to cause my parents as little stress as possible.

 

For that reason, I would like to sort out with this guy what exactly we're doing here. That being said, a part of me feels like if he had wanted us to be in a committed relationship, he would have made it happen by now. On the 18th it will have been 2 months of dating and I don't feel like he's done much in the way of taking things further. However, I am very inexperienced in the dating game these days so I have no idea what to expect. I suppose I'm looking for advice on how to proceed now

[smackie9]

I don't blame him from pulling away. You are going to be less emotionally invested in starting and establishing a relationship due to the crisis with your mom. It's just bad timing.

 

I don't blame you for being upset for him not being forth coming about how he feels. If it doesn't feel right, then it's not.

 

here's a tip: if your expectations are not being fulfilled with the way things are going, and have not reached relationship status, then end it. There is no point in investing yourself with this guy because he isn't that invested in you. It's a reality you are just going to have to acknowledge. It's not where you want to be, so there is no use in wasting anymore of your time.

[carhill]

I don't know your parental relationship and/or carer situation but, generally, time with a terminally ill parent is time well spent. Once they're gone, they're gone.

 

If you're not caring for her personally, perhaps a balance can be struck. If personally, then I'd fuggetabout dating for now and get back to it later. Since your dad is alive, I presume he's primary caregiver. Regardless, if minds don't meet in the dating milieu, it's a miss. In this case, if the other person perceives you as insufficiently available or distracted, and pulls away, that's valid. Same with them dating other people or simply choosing to not continue, in general. If would be the same for you if they were OK with the situation but you weren't. Or you wanted to stop dating and focus on your mother. Minds don't meet and it's a miss.

 

I did a stint of personal caregiver for a terminally ill parent for about 8 years. It's distracting. It damaged my marriage beyond repair. Still, I'm glad I had that time with the person who gave me much in life. No regrets. My sympathies and best wishes in your choices.

[smackie9]

Being married and establishing a relationship is totally different. When my dad was dying of cancer, I was already in a established relationship for 9 years. If I was single at that time there was no way I could have dealt with trying to get a new relationship off the ground in my mental state. Seeing your parent in pain, knowing they are dying and you only have a limited time left with them.....words just can't describe.....

[Terry8889]

2 months is not a long time si idk why you are giving such much importance to this guy, anyway if he really wanted to be exclusive and get serious he would have made it clear by now. It seems like he is not into you. Because a man who is will be super excited about seeing you and making plans to meet up, etc. If I were you I would forget about the loser. He is either having doubts about being with you, using you as a safety net until until something better comes along, or he thinks you have too many things to worry about right now and he doesn't want to go through the hassle and get involved in your stress and let that stress him as well. In either case, he is not someone you would want in your life. You should stop all contact with him completely, there are two possible reactions, either he will panic and think he is losing and therefore he will change his ways and show how important you are to him. Or he won't even care that you're gone and move on to the next quickly. As I said before you're giving too much importance to someone you have been seeing for only 2 months. I think you should have priorities in your mind and that is worrying about your mother. I'm not saying you can't date, but it is clear that this guy is not worth the stress he is adding to your life, he should be adding comfort, happiness, hope, etc not the opposite

[Gaeta]

Sweetie, forget about this man and go spend time with your mom. Her hours with you are counted. I fully understand your dad being frustrated at your call. He will be losing his wife sometimes in the next 24 months and you worry about a dude you've known for 8 weeks.