it's been 9 days since my last contact.....what is he thinking now?

[too_risky]

I need some help here guys. I hurt my ex when I was confused about our relationship. We didn't talk for 13 days and then I called him. We started working on things and trying to make things better but then 2 weeks later he said he had someone who was "interested" in him. He told me he needed "time" and that he was still "hurt" by what I had done. I contacted him like crazy at first. I promised him the moon and stars to give us another try. It didn't work. He still says he needs time. So, I've had NC for 9 days now. Nothing. It's killing me! It doesn't seem to be getting any easier. He seems to have just moved on without even looking back and we were together for 3 years. It doesn't seem to be hurting him like it's killing me. Was I that easily replaced? Is he over me that quickly? This man adored me. He hasn't even known this new girl he's met for a month. If you love someone, wouldn't you want to work it out? Wouldn't you do anything to try again? Is someone you've known less than a month worth losing a 3 year relationship? I want to know what he's thinking.....is he missing me? I have respected his wishes and given him "time". But time for what? Time to forget me more? Any advice?

[Merin]

While I don't know the nature of your confusion in ending the relationship with him I'm assuming to begin with?

I will give you some insight to what he MAY BE thinking...

 

He may be thinking he wants to hurt you the way you hurt him..

He may be thinking he wants to make you feel as insecure as you made him feel..

He may be thinking even if he gave you another chance whats to stop you from feeling confused again..

He may be thinking all the drama isn't worth it..

 

Honestly I don't know what he's thinking.. but I do know it's human nature to protect ourselves and make sure the things that hurt us once don't get another opportunity to do it again.. it's a struggle.

[too_risky]

The reason I was confused about the relationship was because I have been battleing cancer for the last year and he didn't know it (he lives in another state). I didn't tell him because I didn't want him to be afraid or worried or to leave his life there to take care of me. He had too much going on to do that. I didn't want to burdon him. I felt like I couldn't give him what he deserved because he was so wonderful and deserved so very much. I thought I did what I did out of love for him. I did it to protect him. After 13 days I couldn't take not talking to him so that's when we tried to work it out. I still didn't tell him what was going on. I was going to take it to my grave. Then he said he found someone who was "interested" in him and left me. He said he didn't think I'd care anyway because I didn't seem to love him or care about him for the past few months. I sent him an email telling him why I had been the way I had been for the past year. I told him everything. I figured I had no reason to hide it anymore since he had moved on with someone else. I didn't do it to get him back. I didn't do it for pity. I told him the truth because I couldn't stand the thought of him walking away thinking I hadn't loved him or that I hadn't wanted to be with him or see him. I loved him too much to leave him with that confusion. I felt like he needed closure. He deserved it. He was very good to me. He emailed me back and told me that he "needed time" and that he was hurt that I kept it from him. I understand that. I was still willing to walk away. He then gave me some mixed messages that he still might want to work it out. So of course I jumped on that because I love him. That's when I promised him the moon and stars to give us another chance. He still wanted "time". I've given him "time". I've given him 9 days now. I know that doesn't seem like anything to some of you but it's been the longest 9 days of my life. We loved eachother deeply. I made a mistake in keeping an awful secret from him but I honestly did it out of love. Now I just feel like it's over and I have no chance. I deserve a chance.

[ConfusedInOC]

I'm sorry you have cancer, but I think you should have been honest with him. If he loved you as much as you say he does, he'd want to be right by your side. You denied him the chance to give you support.

 

I suggest you call him and come clean. At least then he will understand and be able to make a choice to come back to you or to stay away.

 

Have faith in him....

[too_risky]

confusedinoc: I did come clean. I said in my post that I emailed him and told him everything because I had nothing to lose. He still said he needed "time". Time to me means he has moved on and needs "time" with the new girl he met. I just quit calling to respect his wishes. That was 9 days ago. He knows everything now. The ball is in his court. He knows I still love him and want him and why I did what I did. I still wonder if he's truly moved on tho. I still wonder if he's thinking of me or if he still loves me. I still want him to come back and wonder if he will.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by too_risky

confusedinoc: I did come clean. I said in my post that I emailed him and told him everything because I had nothing to lose. He still said he needed "time". Time to me means he has moved on and needs "time" with the new girl he met. I just quit calling to respect his wishes. That was 9 days ago. He knows everything now. The ball is in his court. He knows I still love him and want him and why I did what I did. I still wonder if he's truly moved on tho. I still wonder if he's thinking of me or if he still loves me. I still want him to come back and wonder if he will.

 

(Sorry. Text with no paragraphs is hard to follow).

 

He's hurt. Give him some time, then. If you press him, he'll push you away.

 

You have to understand that it's not in your hands now. Stick to NO CONTACT.

 

Saying a prayer or two wouldn't hurt. I'll say one for you now that you heal up physically and that if it's God's will to have you back together, great and if not, he soothe your soul.

[too_risky]

confusedinOC: Thanks for the prayer. We all need that. What is your honest opinion on this? As a man, what is he thinking if anything? Has he really gotten over me that easy? I respect and love him too much to go against his wishes. He said he needed time and I'm giving him that. I just wonder if I should even hold out hope is all or simply move on.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by too_risky

confusedinOC: Thanks for the prayer. We all need that. What is your honest opinion on this? As a man, what is he thinking if anything? Has he really gotten over me that easy? I respect and love him too much to go against his wishes. He said he needed time and I'm giving him that. I just wonder if I should even hold out hope is all or simply move on.

 

I can't say for certain. All you can do it trust in God and your ex have his space. If he really loves you and misses you, he'll make contact. There's no guarantee though.

 

Just pray.

[Angeleyez2583]

honestly... no one can give you exactly how your ex feels... EVERYONE is DIFFERENT.... they can give you opinions, but they can't get inside ur ex's head... I'm very sorry u have cancer, but from what I learned, people are different. Girls and guys.. asking someone their opinion is just a sterotype.. it's all up to ur ex.. my friend went through what ur going through.. he dated a new girl and they lived together.. but he still loved her..

 

seriously.. it's so hard to give an opinion on someone we don't know... i'm sorry I'm sayin that but it's the truth.. only u know how ur ex is.. we can only give general advice and support you,. but otherwise, we are not miracle workers who can tell you, yes this is how you get him back or w/e

 

sorry.. but if u need support I am here for you!

[bstill]

I don't know what he is thinking, but if it were me, and the woman I loved suddenly told me she had cancer, i would feel lots of things, and probably be confused. If he really loves you, he will feel terrible about not having been there for you throughout all of this, and also be mad at you because you denied him that. I think if you talk to any man who has been denied the chance to comfort and stand by the woman who means the world to him, they are both extraordinarily mad at themselves and also very resentful that their s/o wouldn't allow them to do this. I know your intentions for not telling him right away are good, but to him, that doesn't make it any better. Part ofwhat he is feeling is typical masculine protector stuff, part of it being upset for having been out of the loop, and part of it is being out of the loop over something like this. He loves you. He wants to be there for you. Even if doing what he could for you meant leaving everything he had, you took that away from him, and he probably wouldn't have thought twice about it.

 

But that isjust what I would think. I hope you are spending the time you need to beat the cancer. Give your man the time he asked for, but please take care of your health, first and foremost, and try to mend htings with your s/o by being as honest as you can when the time comes.

[Jadey]

He may be thinking he wants to hurt you the way you hurt him..

 

Yep. That would be my exact guess. I bet oyu any money thats wot it is..

[too_risky]

Thank you all soooo very much for the advice. Especially you bstill, you really opened my eyes. When I did tell him the truth about what was going on, he did say he was angry at himself and hurt at me because of the situation. I understand he needs time. I respect that. It's been 10 days since I've contacted him in any way, shape or fashion. The part that hurts is that I feel so replaced. So easily. In my mind I'm thinking that well, he's moved on now, I totally blew it and he's happy with this new girl he's known for a month. I blame myself for it totally. I just wish I could have a second chance to prove myself. Maybe I don't deserve it now but in light of the entire situation, I thought we were worth it. It's funny how you try to do the right thing and put those you love so very much first. You try so hard to protect them from your own hurt and pain only to make the situation even more painful. I was angry and bitter at my self for what was going on and I didn't want to put that pain on him. I loved him more than myself. I guess I just wish he would see that.

[suegail]

Gosh, I'm sorry to hear you've had cancer and now this misunderstanding which has seemingly altered the relationship. As hard as it is to accept right now, it sounds as if he's drifting away from you emotionally and getting involved with this other person. All you can really do is what you are doing now and that is to not ply him with email and calls. I know that's difficult, and won't get easier any time soon, but eventually you'll be okay with it.

 

He may also surprise you by snapping out of it and getting back in touch with you. But let him be the one - - as you've said, he knows how you feel. It's up to him now.