Relationship vs Studies

[PureAppleJuice]

I'm still with the person I posted about a while ago.

 

I am also currently in full time education. I have to do a lot of independent study (studying at home in my free time). I have about three assignments to do. She wants to see me. I have asked her to come over, but specified that I might have to do some work/reading while she's here as I'm a bit behind. She now doesn't want to come.

 

I am finding it difficult to balance the two.

[TaraMaiden2]

You're going to hate this old fogey but - focus on your studies.

That's something you don't want to hear.

But please believe me, as someone who never focused on her studies as much as she should have done, I can tell you right now, studies trump and outweigh 'relationships' hand over fist any time.

 

I'm sorry you feel you should be juggling the two, but here's the thing:

 

You don't have to.

If she can't respect the fact you need to study to get grades to get the pass to get good results - then maybe you have a bit of an airhead on your hands.

 

And if she's bright, intelligent and studious, then she should know better.

 

Focus on your work.

Pardon the phrase, but it's a no-brainer.

[PureAppleJuice]

You're going to hate this old fogey but - focus on your studies.

That's something you don't want to hear.

But please believe me, as someone who never focused on her studies as much as she should have done, I can tell you right now, studies trump and outweigh 'relationships' hand over fist any time.

 

I'm sorry you feel you should be juggling the two, but here's the thing:

 

You don't have to.

If she can't respect the fact you need to study to get grades to get the pass to get good results - then maybe you have a bit of an airhead on your hands.

 

And if she's bright, intelligent and studious, then she should know better.

 

Focus on your work.

Pardon the phrase, but it's a no-brainer.

 

I am finding it difficult to explain to her that I need to do these things. If I don't, I will fall behind. She just keeps saying that she is fighting for my attention. That I am not there enough. We have both known that I was going back to education for months, now. She has been quite full on since it began. I am often having to text constantly during lessons or while at home doing assignments.

 

I feel guilty because I don't want her to be unhappy, but I don't think this is fair on me anymore.

[TaraMaiden2]

I am finding it difficult to explain to her that I need to do these things. If I don't, I will fall behind. She just keeps saying that she is fighting for my attention. That I am not there enough. We have both known that I was going back to education for months, now. She has been quite full on since it began. I am often having to text constantly during lessons or while at home doing assignments.

 

I feel guilty because I don't want her to be unhappy, but I don't think this is fair on me anymore.

 

It was never fair on you to begin with.

 

Her attitude is clingy, demanding and selfish.

She shouldn't be fighting for your attention, she should be giving you the time and space to do your studies.

 

And texting her DURING lessons - ?! Are you kidding me?!

 

That is a complete and total no-no!!

 

You turn your 'phone OFF in lessons, period!

 

You have it turned off and in your bag.

You don't look at it, not even to wonder if....

 

There's a teacher with an exemplary, faultless and unblemished record in the UK whose career and reputation lie in ruins, because she threw a student's phone pout of the window.

Why?

Because he was listening to music, loudly, during her lesson, and refused to turn it off.

"You can't make me" he sneered back, when she told him to turn it off.

 

So she took the damn thing and hurled it out of the window.

 

Now, I'm not suggesting your tutor would do the same. Buit I wouldn't blsme him, and frankly, it's no more than you'd deserve.

During class??

YOU'RE TEXTING your selfish, needy clingy demanding GF?

 

Jeesh.....

#

Stop. Just stop, ok?

 

If you lose her, she's really no loss.

She'd be doing you a favour, actually.

[PureAppleJuice]

It was never fair on you to begin with.

 

Her attitude is clingy, demanding and selfish.

She shouldn't be fighting for your attention, she should be giving you the time and space to do your studies.

 

And texting her DURING lessons - ?! Are you kidding me?!

 

That is a complete and total no-no!!

 

You turn your 'phone OFF in lessons, period!

 

You have it turned off and in your bag.

You don't look at it, not even to wonder if....

 

There's a teacher with an exemplary, faultless and unblemished record in the UK whose career and reputation lie in ruins, because she threw a student's phone pout of the window.

Why?

Because he was listening to music, loudly, during her lesson, and refused to turn it off.

"You can't make me" he sneered back, when she told him to turn it off.

 

So she took the damn thing and hurled it out of the window.

 

Now, I'm not suggesting your tutor would do the same. Buit I wouldn't blsme him, and frankly, it's no more than you'd deserve.

During class??

YOU'RE TEXTING your selfish, needy clingy demanding GF?

 

Jeesh.....

#

Stop. Just stop, ok?

 

If you lose her, she's really no loss.

She'd be doing you a favour, actually.

 

I hate texting in class. I wouldn't be surprised if my tutor did that to me and I wouldn't blame her. But I feel pressured. If I don't, there will often be an issue (why didn't you text me/take so long to reply?) or, sometimes if I don't call when I said I would because I was chatting to classmates or got sidetracked, she'll withdraw from me and answer me in one-worded messages.

 

She did do a lot for me at the beginning of the relationship, which is why I feel guilty. She helped me to get onto this course, too.

 

Ugh.

[TaraMaiden2]

I hate texting in class. I wouldn't be surprised if my tutor did that to me and I wouldn't blame her. But I feel pressured. If I don't, there will often be an issue (why didn't you text me/take so long to reply?) or, sometimes if I don't call when I said I would because I was chatting to classmates or got sidetracked, she'll withdraw from me and answer me in one-worded messages.

 

She did do a lot for me at the beginning of the relationship, which is why I feel guilty. She helped me to get onto this course, too.

 

Ugh.

Please stop seeking or giving excuses for putting up with this kind of demanding behaviour.

You're a student with scholastic priorities.

For goodness' sake, just because of previous help, you think you're beholden to her for the remainder of your days??

 

If someone lent you $100 three years ago, and you paid him back, would you still keep paying money after the debt was cleared?

Of course not.

You're studying hard to pass.

That should be reward enough for her.

 

Anything else is a bonus for her - but a severe loss to you.

 

I'm sorry, but you need to be firm with her.

 

Send her this (I dare you. I DOUBLE-dare you) :

 

"I'm studying.

My studies are important.

I need to get this course under my belt, study, pass, graduate and come out with flying colours.

If you can't hack that, you know where the door is.

But don't tell me to choose.

I need to do this.

If that makes you unhappy, go find some other loser who will waste his time and money keeping you happy, while sacrificing all his dreams and ambitions."

[d0nnivain]

School comes 1st. Period.

 

 

Do your work this afternoon but do carve out date times when your sole focus is on her.

 

 

When you have time do cute little romantic things for her, like get her a flower or leave notes hidden where she can find them.

[TaraMaiden2]

School comes 1st. Period.

 

 

Do your work this afternoon but do carve out date times when your sole focus is on her.

 

 

When you have time do cute little romantic things for her, like get her a flower or leave notes hidden where she can find them.

 

d0nnivain I totally agree with this suggestion, but if everything he does now is still not enough, I doubt accommodating her alongside his studies, and 'finding time' will satisfy her.

She wants pole position in a race of one....

But yeah, normally that would work.... I doubt it will in this case....

[PureAppleJuice]

d0nnivain I totally agree with this suggestion, but if everything he does now is still not enough, I doubt accommodating her alongside his studies, and 'finding time' will satisfy her.

She wants pole position in a race of one....

But yeah, normally that would work.... I doubt it will in this case....

 

Thank you d0nnivain - however, this wouldn't be enough. I have offered the suggestion of having an hour phone call each night, seeing her two days a week (I get four days a week off, leaving two for me) - none of these have worked.

 

She does seem to want pole position.

[PureAppleJuice]

School comes 1st. Period.

 

 

Do your work this afternoon but do carve out date times when your sole focus is on her.

 

 

When you have time do cute little romantic things for her, like get her a flower or leave notes hidden where she can find them.

 

Also, she isn't really into flowers or romantic notes. When she does come over, all we do is either sit on the sofa and watch TV all day, or stay in bed. It's at the point now where I don't really have the time to be able to just take a day off, doing nothing. If I am not giving her my FULL attention, it's not enough.

[PureAppleJuice]

Well, she just came over. Was clearly in a bad mood and didn't look at me or say anything as she came through the door, so I got irritated because I felt this was rude. Sat on the sofa with an attitude. We argued. She left. So....

[BlueIris]

Date someone who is aligned with you on things like academic success and conflicts like this won't even occur. You two are definitely not a good match.

[Ami1uwant]

Simple advise...think with the larger of your two heads....

[TaraMaiden2]

Well, she just came over. Was clearly in a bad mood and didn't look at me or say anything as she came through the door, so I got irritated because I felt this was rude. Sat on the sofa with an attitude. We argued. She left. So....

 

I will reiterate my earlier suggestion to you, with regard to the message you should send her word - for - word.

 

"I'm studying.

My studies are important.

I need to get this course under my belt, study, pass, graduate and come out with flying colours.

If you can't hack that, you know where the door is.

But don't tell me to choose.

I need to do this.

If that makes you unhappy, go find some other loser who will waste his time and money keeping you happy, while sacrificing all his dreams and ambitions."

 

Really, you need to draw a line in the sand, because she's already torn through boundaries and stepped all over you....

[blackcat777]

She needs to respect your studies. Period.

 

I worked full time and commuted to school all summer. I was burned out and had three breakdowns during. My boyfriend (who is long distance) drove to see me almost every night. He put extra work into our relationship because I was so all over the place and losing my marbles. We didn't do much of anything fun, but it was awesome to come home to him after a crazy day.

 

I graduated a week before his fall semester started up. I can tailor my work schedule around his busy school days now, so the days he's in class for long hours, I'm working. I drive down to see him during the week, because I would not expect him to commute to my place when he has class that day/the next morning. Some nights he has to study, but I still want to snuggle with him at night, so I bring down some quiet hobbies to keep me busy while he studies, we'll take a romantic dinner break... and it's still nice just enjoying each other's company.

 

We both agreed to always keep one day of the week sacred for each other.

 

But depending on who is more busy at the moment, we take turns helping each other out. I make sure he always has time for his studies, and the tradeoff is he spoils me rotten on his breaks. He kept me sane and alive during my studies. We also plan on our relationship lasting well beyond the schooling years, so we keep the perspective that it's temporary. Life moves in cycles...

 

If someone isn't willing to balance life and relationships... I'd say red flag. If someone can't support you going for your dreams, they don't really want what's best for you... they want what's best for their needy ego (attention)... which very well might not be enough.

[PureAppleJuice]

I just can’t deal with this, anymore. I am feeling so sad that this hasn’t worked out. I don’t want to be on my own, lonely again. But this relationship isn’t working. No matter what I do, it isn’t enough. I am starting to feel drained every day. I just don’t think it’s worth it, anymore. I would rather be reasonably OK, then always worrying about when the next argument will be. I have for a while tried to convince myself that things were getting better. But they just haven’t.

 

I feel like I can’t freely see my friends or talk about them. I can’t just have a day where I don’t want to talk that much. If I’m not busy, I must be talking to her. She gets jealous and annoyed towards family members, and seems to want to be placed above them, in terms of priority. She doesn’t seem to understand that my time is limited/very structured and I can’t just take three days off to sit and ‘chill’. She wants me to call her all the time, and I am often too tired from being at college all day to even talk. She talks too much on the phone. Often talking for around 7 minutes without a breath. She wants to see me too often. Once a week for two or three days is more than enough for me. I physically can’t do any more than that. I have felt so tired these last few weeks and I don’t think it’s just because of college. It’s her. In my classes she will constantly message me. On the way home I message her. Once I get home we’re messaging. All day long I have this phone in my hand and I am drained. If I disappear for a couple of hours there is a problem.

 

She has done a lot for me but I just feel like that doesn’t matter… I appreciate it all but does it matter? What about her behaviour, and the way she makes me feel? I’m having to lie about my whereabouts because if she knew I was available, she’d want to spend all that time with me. When we are together it’s hard to get her to be productive and she is a bad influence on me. I will just slip into bed and do nothing and she will not encourage me to do otherwise. She doesn’t make moves to leave, often waiting until I tell her to and then there’s a problem because I’ve asked her to go.

 

I am sad because I want to be around her and be with her but she is too much for me. If she had her own life and things to keep up with and do, it wouldn’t feel like this. She is too dependent on me, and I can’t deal with or handle it.

 

I feel so conflicted. I like being with her and having that company and I will miss that a lot. But I feel like exploding when I think about all the issues that have been created. The worst thing is that she blames me for everything. She says that I am not supportive, not attentive, don't put her first. I feel like I am doing everything I possibly can without sacrificing other areas of my life - I haven't even studied for the last two days because I have felt so drained. She's also weirdly started talking to me (on more than one occasion) about possibly leaving college and working my way up to the job I want, instead. I found that weird as before this course started, she was adamant that I should do this, go back to education. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but why would you mention working my way up when I have already done all the hard work by getting onto this course?

 

I just can't cope. I wish things were different, I really do. I feel so sad that this is happening. I'm doing that weird thing where people grieve while still in the relationship. It's all becoming too much. I don't feel like I'm getting any MORAL support - sure, sometimes she gives me money or helps me with food - but support as in "babe, I'll leave you for a couple of hours so you can get some work done". Even when she knows I'm at college or studying, she will still message me. I can't. I just can't. I feel like screaming.

Edited October 10, 2015 by PureAppleJuice

[TaraMaiden2]

Ok, breathe, stop, pause.

 

Please do the following, I promise it will help.

 

Sit in a chair, close your eyes, and sit there, looking at yourself breathing.

I'm serious. Just keep your eyes closed, and focus completely on any sensation you feel that you want, as you breathe in, hold it, and breathe out.

Focus on only yourself.

Don't think about anything else, for just five, deep, in-hold-out breaths.

 

Relax your shoulders and let them drop.

 

Now, slowly open your eyes, and still feeling everything you're feeling, just sit, and calm your mind.

 

Think about how you want to tell her it's over.

 

It sounds awful and normally, I wouldn't recommend this at all, seriously, I wouldn't - but I think she has you at the edge.

 

Text her and ask her to not contact you any more, that you can't do this and that you just need freedom to continue doing what you need to do to get where you want to go.

 

Send the text - then BLOCK.

Delete, ignore, cancel, do whatever it takes to ensure you have peace.

 

Honestly?

I hate the text-dump.

But I think if you see her or speak to her, you'll relent and put up with this for a whole lot longer than is healthy.

 

The other way is to 'ghost' her. Seriously, just cut off, deny, delete and do not respond.

 

But either way, you have to be determined to salvage your sanity and be good to yourself.

[PureAppleJuice]

I've just broken up with her and she hasn't taken it very well. She's become quite rude and angry. I was honest about not coping and she's responded by angrily telling me she's deleting my number.

[TaraMaiden2]

I've just broken up with her and she hasn't taken it very well. She's become quite rude and angry. I was honest about not coping and she's responded by angrily telling me she's deleting my number.

 

Good.

I bet she will be texting you in no time.

She's being a drama queen.

There is no doubt in my mind she will try to goad you into responding to her.

 

It stands to reason, doesn't it?

One of the things that has utterly drained and exhausted you is just how much of your attention she wanted.

She was demanding, insistent and not in the slightest bit understanding or sympathetic about your need to focus on your studies.

 

So, based on THAT evidence - you think this is the final contact?

 

Guess again.

 

Do the same.

Block and delete her number, block her on facebook, and just don't go there....either emotionally or literally!

[PureAppleJuice]

Good.

I bet she will be texting you in no time.

She's being a drama queen.

There is no doubt in my mind she will try to goad you into responding to her.

 

It stands to reason, doesn't it?

One of the things that has utterly drained and exhausted you is just how much of your attention she wanted.

She was demanding, insistent and not in the slightest bit understanding or sympathetic about your need to focus on your studies.

 

So, based on THAT evidence - you think this is the final contact?

 

Guess again.

 

Do the same.

Block and delete her number, block her on facebook, and just don't go there....either emotionally or literally!

 

She is still texting me. Not about anything important, but things like "keep that jacket, I don't need it" - irrelevant things. I have deleted her number. This is all so scary, I have never broken up with anyone before and I am already doubting my decision. Even though I know I could not have continued that way.

 

I am also terrified of being alone, but I feel like I have no choice.

[TaraMaiden2]

She is still texting me. Not about anything important, but things like "keep that jacket, I don't need it" - irrelevant things. I have deleted her number. This is all so scary, I have never broken up with anyone before and I am already doubting my decision. Even though I know I could not have continued that way.

 

I am also terrified of being alone, but I feel like I have no choice.

 

She gave you no choice, but the choice of either breaking up, or going insane trying to keep her happy and letting your studies suffer.

 

Let good friends know what has happened.

Rely on the support of those who will understand.

Including here.

 

Try to understand that there are currently great advantages and positives to 'being alone' at the moment (the bold bit is why you're doubting your decision; not out of love, but out of fear/panic).

 

Focus on what you know you MUST accomplish.

And be glad that studies will bring you success.

 

I know it#'s really tough at the moment.

Give yourself the afternoon off, and try to adopt a new mind-set....

 

And block her number.

Let her text all she likes (get a text-blocker; download an app. and fix this There is a very good android one called 'textblocker'. Very good. I have it....).

Stop permitting yourself to be distracted by this.

Love - real love, proper love - will come and you will know you've done the right thing, even though at the moment you doubt it.....

[PureAppleJuice]

She gave you no choice, but the choice of either breaking up, or going insane trying to keep her happy and letting your studies suffer.

 

Let good friends know what has happened.

Rely on the support of those who will understand.

Including here.

Try to understand that there are currently great advantages and positives to 'being alone' at the moment (the bold bit is why you're doubting your decision; not out of love, but out of fear/panic).

 

Focus on what you know you MUST accomplish.

And be glad that studies will bring you success.

 

I know it#'s really tough at the moment.

Give yourself the afternoon off, and try to adopt a new mind-set....

 

And block her number.

Let her text all she likes (get a text-blocker; download an app. and fix this There is a very good android one called 'textblocker'. Very good. I have it....).

Stop permitting yourself to be distracted by this.

Love - real love, proper love - will come and you will know you've done the right thing, even though at the moment you doubt it.....

 

I've told my friends and they're all being good about it. Yes, this is more a fear of being alone, but I will just have to somehow deal with it.

[PureAppleJuice]

How do I know I did the right thing? All my friends are busy and I know that she would have come over if we were together and I felt lonely, or needed to talk.

[TaraMaiden2]

Stop being a drama queen.

you KNOW you did the right thing.

Look how being with her made you feel.

Your only concern now is 'being alone'.

 

Quit being dramatic, get a grip and chill.

OK?

[PureAppleJuice]

Stop being a drama queen.

you KNOW you did the right thing.

Look how being with her made you feel.

Your only concern now is 'being alone'.

 

Quit being dramatic, get a grip and chill.

OK?

 

Lol, you sound exactly like one of my friends - she'd say exactly the same thing. OK. I'll do my best.