How long did you wait and perch?

[K2z]

I wait for a signal, a sign, a breadcrumb that tells me this whole thing has been a mistake and that there is a crack in the door to try again.

 

It has been one month since my last contact. Which was a short email I sent, simply asking if the main email I sent two weeks earlier had been received. Crickets. Either I am being ghosted, or for some reason she legitimately did not receive my note. (I doubt that.)

 

I tell myself, I suppose, that two months more of this is possible within the realm of sanity and self respect. Three to four months is a short period in the world of human interaction and there's a lot of emotional clouds to clear on both sides. Even if she wanted to respond to my overtures, she couldn't really do so early on cause she would lose some face.

 

I am not reaching out to friends, or worse, family. That would be pathetic. I am NC for about a month, but I will confess, at this precise moment my world hinges on her reaching back out to me.

 

I know you will say NC forever, delete everything. But back to my main question: how long did YOU wait and perch?

[dumbass2]

First month no obsession. Months 2-3 obsessed and missed her. After 3rd month gave up hope, stopped obsessing and moved forward. Started to really work on my self. 3-4 months down the road she contacted me. So, the thing is, get yourself on track. Things you need to work on. Set some short term goals and get to work on them. You got to get your mind off her. You cannot send another email. "Hey so so, did you get my first email? second email? Hello? Are you there?". you can keep doing that if you want to stay stuck. It happens so often that you find things to do and take your mind off her and then they reappear. Not saying it's going to happen, but there really is nothing else you can do. You can't force someone to talk to you. Get your logic up to speed with your heart. You can't win right now unless you decide to move forward.

[K2z]

What resulted from your contact? Did you decline her? Was it meaningful contact?

 

BTW I appreciate your input. 3-4 months of no contact "seems" to be the sweet spot based on conversations. But I'm generally unsure of just about everything.

Edited October 3, 2015 by K2z

[bluefeather]

First month no obsession. Months 2-3 obsessed and missed her. After 3rd month gave up hope, stopped obsessing and moved forward. Started to really work on my self. 3-4 months down the road she contacted me. So, the thing is, get yourself on track. Things you need to work on. Set some short term goals and get to work on them. You got to get your mind off her. You cannot send another email. "Hey so so, did you get my first email? second email? Hello? Are you there?". you can keep doing that if you want to stay stuck. It happens so often that you find things to do and take your mind off her and then they reappear. Not saying it's going to happen, but there really is nothing else you can do. You can't force someone to talk to you. Get your logic up to speed with your heart. You can't win right now unless you decide to move forward.

 

I concur with this one. Get over this person for your own sake, though, not for the sake of getting her back.

[TaraMaiden2]

What resulted from your contact? Did you decline her? Was it meaningful contact?

It doesn't matter. It wasn't about 'her'. It was about 'him'.

 

You need to quit considering her. This is about you and what you do, and your motive and drive.

 

BTW I appreciate your input. 3-4 months of no contact "seems" to be the sweet spot based on conversations. But I'm generally unsure of just about everything.

Be sure of this:

Crickets, from her side, means it's over.

Finished.

Done - for - good.

 

The only reason she will ever get back in touch with you, is curiosity, fuelled by her ego.

"I wonder if I can still draw his attention?"

Focus on you, and change your mind-set to "This is the first day of the rest of MY life."

 

She should no longer figure, be on your horizon, or anywhere near your peripheral vision.

 

If she wanted you, she would have made it more clear.

[K2z]

Be sure of this:

Crickets, from her side, means it's over.

Finished.

Done - for - good.

 

I plead no contest for the moment.

 

And yet. Doesn't it happen, in the world? Doesn't contact get re-established?

 

Isn't there something I can say?

 

I honestly don't know what happens if I take hope away. Even weak hope.

Edited October 3, 2015 by K2z

[TaraMaiden2]

I plead no contest for the moment.

 

And yet. Doesn't it happen? Doesn't contact get re-established?

Yes, a while later, by them, it usually does.

 

Normally it's after you've maintained silence and dropped off rheir radar.

It normally runs along the lines of "so... just wanted to say hi..."

 

Or:

 

"Hey you, just wanted to make sure you're ok"....

 

Or:

 

"There's a new movie playing at <location> and I just wanted to let you know it would have been nice to go to see it with you..." (WTF...?!)

 

In other words: Breadcrumbs. Anything to get something out of you, to ensure they're still on your mind.

It's an ego-boost for them, not a crumb of comfort for you. No way.

 

Isn't there something I can say?

Actually, to be brutally honest? No.

The best way to respond to breadcrumbs is to ignore them completely.

 

I honestly don't know what happens if I take hope away. Even weak hope.

Hope contains an 'o'. Also known as 0. Zero.

No hope. False Hope. Hope in vain. Hope for the best but fear the worst.

 

I don't honestly believe I have ever heard the word 'hope' mentioned in any phrase or sentence concerning a good, positive and beneficial or optimistic outcome.

 

Hope is a crap sentiment.

I always point this out to people, because they fail to see the salient point:

 

Remember the story of Pandora, and that 'box' or more accurately, amphora, she was given to safeguard?

When she took the lid off, she caused mayhem.

She snapped the lid down shut again.

Pandora Trapped Hope in the box, but initially the box held all the Evils and Ills of the World.

Hope was included in this number, it wasn't an exception. There was no mention of 'All the Evils and Ills of the World, except one.'

So Hope may well 'spring eternal in the human breast', but not for nothing is it constantly associated with 'vain' or despair.

 

Forget Hope.

It's Hype.

[K2z]

Taramaiden2, your writing is quite incisive and thought provoking. It echoes the inner voices of fear I've been trying to keep trapped in the basement.

 

Should you happen to have half a beer's worth of free time, I'd be quite grateful if you might read my initial story, posted on this forum what seems an eternity ago. Super brief.

[TaraMaiden2]

Right, ok.

From what I understand of this culture, frankly, you're either in for the long haul, or you're a waste of time.

Any prevarication or uncertainty is seen and being undependable.

She wanted immediate concrete assurances that you would be there as a stalwart support when needed.

 

you say (in a nutshell, I realise you didn't phrase it this way) that she isn't a gold-digger, but part of her own personal condition was to find a western guy who could come up with the goods once required to.

Regardless of her age.

In fact, that probably played against her.

She was running out of time to find a suitable partner who would do right by her, emotionally AND financially. Not every western guy would want a Thai bride heading for possible menopause.

 

I hate to break it to you, but you should entertain the possibility that she may well be looking for a replacement for you.Hence her silence.

She may be moving to seek pastures new.

 

if you sat on the fence or made her think you felt uncertain about certain aspects of the relationship, basically, in her eyes, you may well have been a poor investment.

[K2z]

I think you're flying over the target.

 

That said, she stuck it out for three years AND moved to a different country for me. It's possible she thought she "couldn't do any better," maybe.

 

In the words of a Thai counselor I consulted, she was sure I was the one a long time ago. My failure to acknowledge she was the one -- in the communication idiom she needed -- put a premium on her self esteem. She's seeking to reclaim that. She may have decided to go man-fishing, but I think that's the lesser likely.

 

The "big" note I sent 1.5 months ago basically said, I am sorry for my mistake, here's a suggested game plan for spending a life together. I had it translated for easy processing/sharing with family. Not receiving aaaaaanything, i.e. a simple "no," is rather sh***y.

 

TaraMaiden2, out of curiosity do you have an earlier post? You must have come here for a reason at some point... would be interested in reading your initial story.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think you're flying over the target.

 

That said, she stuck it out for three years AND moved to a different country for me. It's possible she thought she "couldn't do any better," maybe.

 

In the words of a Thai counselor I consulted, she was sure I was the one a long time ago. My failure to acknowledge she was the one -- in the communication idiom she needed -- put a premium on her self esteem. She's seeking to reclaim that. She may have decided to go man-fishing, but I think that's the lesser likely.

 

The "big" note I sent 1.5 months ago basically said, I am sorry for my mistake, here's a suggested game plan for spending a life together. I had it translated for easy processing/sharing with family. Not receiving aaaaaanything, i.e. a simple "no," is rather sh***y.

 

TaraMaiden2, out of curiosity do you have an earlier post? You must have come here for a reason at some point... would be interested in reading your initial story.

 

There may be familial influence preventing or convincing her to not contact you.

Maybe they want someone more 'suited' to her circumstances.

It's hard, obviously, with no feedback form her, to determine exactly what is happening here.

My responses are fuelled by partial acquaintance with the culture, added to discussions with people from, or living in, Thailand.

The Thai counsellor may have a point. As I said, she needed something more concrete and "black & white". In those 3 years, were you together continuously? Was it a LDR? How often were you with her, for any long-term period, during those 3 years?

 

As to the bold section, believe it or not, I've actually been on this forum for around 10 years in one guise or another.

Through my own big mouth and mostly as a result of being quite outspoken and blunt, I've been, shall we say, 'put in the naughty corner' (and then some) on more than one occasion by Moderation....

I'm a bit like a piece of the furniture.... a little dented, knocked about a bit, and I've been put in one room then another.

I'm rather like an oddment nobody quite knows where to put!

 

As to a story - I actually don't have one.

I worked with an organisation that offered counselling to couples, and trained with them for some time, but due to a family move, didn't quite make it to Counsellor...

That doesn't make me better qualified than anyone else on here to offer an ear or give advice.

Others are equally as qualified, and we all hit-and-miss, and mutually support.

I joined, contributed, and stayed.

And left.

And came back.

And left.

And came back again.

And left....

And.... so on!

 

(I'm working on sticking around this time. I'm getting too old to play ping-pong!)

[K2z]

There may be familial influence preventing or convincing her to not contact you.

Maybe they want someone more 'suited' to her circumstances.

 

There, I think you are spot on. She was living "in sin" with me in another country, and the parents didn't like that one bit. The sister became an echo chamber for her complaints of foot dragging, and things progressed.

 

I'm guilty of serious cultural negligence in terms of understanding the importance of family input in this situation.

 

The Thai counselor said patience and equanimity are key, that just because I sent her this letter I should not expect her to jump up and down.

 

So... work on myself. I know.

[K2z]

The Thai counsellor may have a point. As I said, she needed something more concrete and "black & white". In those 3 years, were you together continuously? Was it a LDR? How often were you with her, for any long-term period, during those 3 years?

 

I would say over the three years we were probably together for something like seven months. there were periods of LTR and then I would take a month or two months sabbaticals and see her in Thailand.

[K2z]

And of course I would fly her to see me. And she later came to live with me, albeit briefly.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think then, therein may lie the problem; actual, physical F2F contact was really brief. Out of 36 months, you were together for only 7. That, to her family, wasn't commitment. That was interest.

I know it's not the case, but culturally, from her PoV, you weren't as into her as they felt you should have been.

The fact that you're here writing about it, would indicate without any doubt, that your feelings for her were very sincere and real.

It's just that time has moved on; and they can't "dither" like this.

And what they can't 'see' with their own eyes, is therefore of no significance.

 

This is as much a cultural gap as it is geographical.

And tragically, I don't think it can be bridged.