Is her behavior wrong or am I just too jealous

[Whisky1981]

So I'll try to explain my situation.

 

I have met a girl and we are together for a year now.

 

She danced salsa before she met me for about 3 months and had a regular dance partner. The lessons usually start in September and end in June. So we met in December and she dragged me to the dance class. I persisted with her for a month and then quit, partially because I kind of didn't like that she was dancing with another man beside me on regular basis and partially because she had done some other things that hurt me. I explained to her that I am not really ok with her having another regular co-dancer beside me. I let her finish her previous year of dance class with her co-dancer without bothering her about it. In the summer our relationship became pretty serious and long story short we decided to go dance together in September.

 

So salsa wasn't aviable in the day that we both had time and we decided to go for bachatas basic level. On the first lesson her co-dancer from the previous year was there and I can tell that she was bothered that he was dancing with another partner, she almost never took her eyes off of them and she was really nervous. I said nothing but later that night she kind of mentioned "what if I go to the advanced salsa with my co-dancer"...I just stayed silent kind of letting her know I am not ok with this. I remember that some days later she mentioned me that she wrote an SMS to him if he wants to go to dance class of advanced salsa and she said that he didn't even reply to her.

 

Long story short, this monday she dragged me to the advanced salsa class because they switched some schedule around. I said to her that I am afraid I won't be able to follow up on such advanced lessons. In the beginning everything went pretty good but when they started to switch partners I just didn't know what I was doing so I just left the class in the middle because I was too ashamed to go on. She came after me and I said I am too ashamed to go back there. I also said that we should have taken the basic lessons so I could learn the basics but she replied that the basic lessons were too boring for her.

 

Now why I became really upset:

After that catastrophic lesson she asked me if she can call her co-dancer from the previous year and go dancing with him again. This really hurt me and I became angry, I said to her that she is a free human being and that she can do what she wants and that she is really being selfish and only persue what she wants to do not bothering about others feelings. After that she said that she was joking and she only wanted to see my reaction which I wouldn't believe if it happened in fairytales.

 

Ok to sum it up:

I agreed to go dancing with her even if I don't like latino dances.

Because I didn't meet her expectations she asked me if she can call another man and go dancing with him on regular basis.

I went berserk because of that. She really hurt my feelings and I think that something died inside me that night.

 

Now, I don't have anything against her dancing an occasional dance with other men but having a regular co-dancer (once every week), when I agreed to go dancing with her being her boyfriend bothers me a lot. Am I right to be hurt and upset or am I being jelous without a reason? Btw I would never do something like this to her...

 

Thanks to endure this long post and thank you a lot for the comments!

[autumnnight]

The thing that bothers me is not necessarily the dancing. It's this:

 

You made it clear you were uncomfortable, and you let her finish the year anyway.

 

She KNOWS you are uncomfortable AND not an advanced dancer. Yet she takes you to a class that is going to make you feel "dumb," and then she asks you about dancing with this guy KNOWING how you feel...AND she messages him.

 

I think her behavior is selfish and thoughtless.

[Whisky1981]

Thanks for the reply!

 

About letting her finish her year. I did this because I felt that I wasn't allowed to expext that she would cease doing things she likes just because she entered in a relationship with me.

 

And for the explanation she gave me when I asked her why she dragged me to an advanced class she told that she didn't know that they will switch partners around and that she tought I was a natural so she tookk me there. Again, I don't believe that she didn't know that there will be switching partners because that happens all the time and she didn't go there for the first time...

 

What should I do? I do have feelings for this girl but I really think that this was a bad hit on the relationship. I just don't trust her anymore...

[Gloria25]

Ok, I'm Hispanic and have some experience here that I hope helps...

 

For one, I don't see something clandestine here cuz she from the get-go let you know this guy existed and she even asked your permission to dance.

 

I love to dance. I'm not the greatest dancer, and for people who are really into dance (Salsa, line dancing, ballroom dancing), it is a big freakin' deal. Dancing is fun, and some people just like to exercise their skill. Done with the right partner, it can also be a prelude to some "intimate" activities I mean, with guys I date - even if they aren't into dancing, I sometimes will turn on the radio and we slow dance, grind, or whatever int he privacy of my place. If I was married and/or had a guy living with me under the same roof, he better be ready for me to ask for his hand to just hold and slow dance with me at times.

 

Ok, back to your situation. I had a gf who was into Salsa dancing and no, not a romantic gf and the Salsa dancing put a wedge in between us, cuz like your gf, she was really into it. I, although I dance, just hate(d) Salsa cuz it does require some skill and I just am too shy to go to the lessons to actually get a grasp on it. Of the few times I've tried, the guys (non-romantic) would get upset/frustrated with me.

 

So, what I'm asking you to do is either indulge her desire to continue dancing Salsa, Bachata, etc - as long as she's not letting get touchy-feely. One guy, when they had Salsa nite on the military base, I didn't dance with guys in front of him, but he said he didn't have an issue with it - so I danced, but didn't do the things that you'd do with a guy you're into (letting him hold you close, putting his arm on certain parts of you and vice-versa). He also, now and then, would come on the dance floor with me...which is another point. Sometimes when we meet someone, things about them sorta "rub off" on us (and vice-versa), sometimes it takes the form of "mirroring" and/or we simply get our worlds/minds expanded and gain interest in things we learn about/from our partner(s). So, why not give dancing another try - maybe one day you'll come to like it

 

OH, and about her dancing partner? Well, dancing partners must have "some" sort of chemistry that makes it work and to sell it, they sorta gotta look like they are intimately/romantically involved. I mean, watch Dancing with the Stars or something and see how chemistry between the pair is important. Now, she may simply be jealous of him dancing with others - and not in a romantic way. I have "platonic" male acquaintences, friends, co-workers (some of whom are homosexual) and yea, sometimes when I see them chatting up other people and bonding with them (sometimes better than with me) I ain't gonna lie, I get a bit jealous too.

 

If you don't want to allow her to dance and/or won't put any effort into it - then maybe you gotta call it quits. Dating is to see if you're a match. Not to mold someone into what you want them to be - especially to demand they give up hobbies/stuff that mean no harm and that they picked up before they even met you.

[Whisky1981]

Ok, I'm Hispanic and have some experience here that I hope helps...

 

For one, I don't see something clandestine here cuz she from the get-go let you know this guy existed and she even asked your permission to dance.

 

I love to dance. I'm not the greatest dancer, and for people who are really into dance (Salsa, line dancing, ballroom dancing), it is a big freakin' deal. Dancing is fun, and some people just like to exercise their skill. Done with the right partner, it can also be a prelude to some "intimate" activities I mean, with guys I date - even if they aren't into dancing, I sometimes will turn on the radio and we slow dance, grind, or whatever int he privacy of my place. If I was married and/or had a guy living with me under the same roof, he better be ready for me to ask for his hand to just hold and slow dance with me at times.

 

Ok, back to your situation. I had a gf who was into Salsa dancing and no, not a romantic gf and the Salsa dancing put a wedge in between us, cuz like your gf, she was really into it. I, although I dance, just hate(d) Salsa cuz it does require some skill and I just am too shy to go to the lessons to actually get a grasp on it. Of the few times I've tried, the guys (non-romantic) would get upset/frustrated with me.

 

So, what I'm asking you to do is either indulge her desire to continue dancing Salsa, Bachata, etc - as long as she's not letting get touchy-feely. One guy, when they had Salsa nite on the military base, I didn't dance with guys in front of him, but he said he didn't have an issue with it - so I danced, but didn't do the things that you'd do with a guy you're into (letting him hold you close, putting his arm on certain parts of you and vice-versa). He also, now and then, would come on the dance floor with me...which is another point. Sometimes when we meet someone, things about them sorta "rub off" on us (and vice-versa), sometimes it takes the form of "mirroring" and/or we simply get our worlds/minds expanded and gain interest in things we learn about/from our partner(s). So, why not give dancing another try - maybe one day you'll come to like it

 

OH, and about her dancing partner? Well, dancing partners must have "some" sort of chemistry that makes it work and to sell it, they sorta gotta look like they are intimately/romantically involved. I mean, watch Dancing with the Stars or something and see how chemistry between the pair is important. Now, she may simply be jealous of him dancing with others - and not in a romantic way. I have "platonic" male acquaintences, friends, co-workers (some of whom are homosexual) and yea, sometimes when I see them chatting up other people and bonding with them (sometimes better than with me) I ain't gonna lie, I get a bit jealous too.

 

If you don't want to allow her to dance and/or won't put any effort into it - then maybe you gotta call it quits. Dating is to see if you're a match. Not to mold someone into what you want them to be - especially to demand they give up hobbies/stuff that mean no harm and that they picked up before they even met you.

 

Thank you for the reply!

 

I think you kind missed my point here.

 

1. I didn't say that I won't go to lessons but that I want to go to basic lessons.

2. I don't have anything against her occasional dancing with guys on partys but having somebody else on a regular level when I expressed the interest to go with her...this is too much for me.

3. It really hit me that when I didn't meet her expectations she immediatly brought up another man who will...

4. I really think that men dance only for two things. The first is for making their wife/partner happy and the second is for an occasional hook up...at least I always did...

[central]

I think you're too jealous.

 

DANCING is the passion, not the partner you dance with.

 

Many good dancers have partners who are not bf's or spouses - because often they aren't good dancers or aren't interested.

 

If dancing is a passion for her, then you are risking your relationship by getting in the way. It's NOT about the partner - it's about the dance. She just wants a partner who can help her realize her potential, and you aren't up to it.

[Whisky1981]

I think you're too jealous.

 

DANCING is the passion, not the partner you dance with.

 

Many good dancers have partners who are not bf's or spouses - because often they aren't good dancers or aren't interested.

 

If dancing is a passion for her, then you are risking your relationship by getting in the way. It's NOT about the partner - it's about the dance. She just wants a partner who can help her realize her potential, and you aren't up to it.

 

Thank you.

 

Or maybe she just isn't willing to give me time to develope my potential. As I saied before. I didn't say that I won't go dancing with her. She should just take a step back and give me time instead of bringing another man into the relationship. Sorry but it is just as she is setting a date every week with this man. And when things will be wrong between us he will be there to comfort her...yes those are just insecure fears but they are there, should I live with them even if it bothers me everytime she goes dancing with this guy?

[central]

Thank you.

 

Or maybe she just isn't willing to give me time to develope my potential. As I saied before. I didn't say that I won't go dancing with her. She should just take a step back and give me time instead of bringing another man into the relationship. Sorry but it is just as she is setting a date every week with this man. And when things will be wrong between us he will be there to comfort her...yes those are just insecure fears but they are there, should I live with them even if it bothers me everytime she goes dancing with this guy?

 

Yes, you should step back when it comes to dancing, work on your insecurities, realize that it isn't about him in a romantic sense, and develop your dancing skills so YOU can be her partner eventually. It's not a DATE with him in the romantic sense - it's a class or practice. Unless you can understand and accept that is ALL it is, you are going to come across as jealous, controlling, and irrational - and you'll lose her. Yes, keep an eye on her dance partnership, but be discreet unless something really inappropriate occurs. Good luck.

[Gloria25]

Thank you for the reply!

 

I think you kind missed my point here.

 

1. I didn't say that I won't go to lessons but that I want to go to basic lessons.

2. I don't have anything against her occasional dancing with guys on partys but having somebody else on a regular level when I expressed the interest to go with her...this is too much for me.

3. It really hit me that when I didn't meet her expectations she immediatly brought up another man who will...

4. I really think that men dance only for two things. The first is for making their wife/partner happy and the second is for an occasional hook up...at least I always did...

 

I apologize for my previous and lengthy response, but I'll try to summarize my points and answer your quote above...

 

1. Taking basic clases may be something you wanna do on your own time to get up to her level, cuz again, I dropped doing Salsa dancing with my gf cuz the guys didn't have patence with me. Maybe she, at home, need to be patient with you and teach you the basics till you're at her level.

 

2. Again, gotta get over your jealousy of her dancing partner cuz for the reasons I mentioned in my previous post.

 

3. Again, this has nothing to do with her wanting him over you. She wants to dance with a skilled partner. So skill up, or move onto a chick who isn't gonna have a guy in her life that out does you in this or that. Gosh, are you also jealous of her mechanic?

 

4. No, not all men who dance wanna get laid, trying to pick up chicks, and/or get free dry humps. I remember one time, years ago at a club I literally danced song after song for like an hour with a guy who made no physical contact with me and neither of us had romantic interest in.

[d0nnivain]

Substitute salsa dancing for another hobby. . . let's say something not sexy at all like cake baking & decorating. She was already advanced when you met her. She had a partner. She tried to get you interested. You don't really enjoy it & you are not very good at it. Your discomfort ruins her enjoyment. Why can't see go back to her old baking buddy?

 

 

You are mixing up her hobby with sex. Stop doing that & your jealousy will calm down.

[Whisky1981]

Thank you for your answer.

 

I can't control people lives and I know that. She will do watherver she wants to and who am I to stop her. I won't even try at least not anymore.

 

But if I can't accept this and if it hurts me and she knows it and she isn't ready to make any compromise then why should I endure something like this.

 

I was ready to accept her passion for something with taking part in it, all she had to do is give me time and not a lot of it, maybe a year.

 

If she can't give me time when I am ready to take part in something I basicaly don't enjoy than what's the point? If she can't adapt to this, will she be able to adapt to real important things later on in life? I don't think so.

 

The point of all that is that she does something that hurts me, I gave her options to adjust this something so she could have both things, the passion and someone beside her, she wasn't willing to change a bit. I can't see the future with a person that so easily dismiss the feelings of someone that she should care about over a passion that will sooner or later come to an end because of more inmportant things in life.

 

I guess some people just like to dance their lives away.

 

Thank you all for the support.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I know I would not like it if my partner has a steady dance partner (that is not me) for salsa dancing. This is a way of dancing that I find pretty sensual in nature and I would not like it one bit if I know that my partner is making those kind of movements regularly with someone else than me.

 

Call me jealous but for me there are certain gestures that I don't want my partner to make with other women. I also hate it when my partner flirts with other women, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

So most probably I will not end up with a guy who loves salsa dancing. As a matter of fact, now regardless of the discussion on whisky1981's girlfriend, I have to say that I absolutely hate salsa music. And that comes from someone who loves lots of different kinds of music. But salsa music, after 3 songs I go crazy. There is something about those nervous trumpets and bongos that makes me become physically violent. It literally hurts my ears.

I love to dance but to funk or disco not to this salsa crap.