Miss Peach Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I have been dating a (seemingly) wonderful bf for the last 4 months. We are finally at the point where we are discussing meeting each other's friends. The thing is I am pretty introverted. I have a lot of acquaintances but only 3 close friends that I tend to turn to for advice or help. Two of the three are men. I want to get some advice regarding this since it's been about 5 years since I've attempted to have a an exclusive, serious relationship. The only guy I went exclusive with in that 5 year time frame ghosted me shortly after which made the ending probably more painful than if he had just told me. My last serious relationship was with an emotionally abusive man who tried to isolate me. That lasted 9 years. I don't want to emulate that or my other unhealthy relationships so I wanted to get some idea of what people feel comfortable with in this situation, what is normal. etc. Since the abusive relationship I have spent a lot of time on my self esteem and boundaries. I have no doubts I can enact appropriate boundaries, have stopped my flirting, turned down opportunities, etc. since we went exclusive. BF saw it with him as I hesitated going to his house, wouldn't spend the night, etc. until we were ready to be exclusive and have sex. I also won't drink if I have to drive, have more than a drink or two when out, etc. So I think I am pretty good at seeing situations and not putting myself into anything that is harmful. I have seen a lot of comments on LS about people who put themselves in bad situations with the opposite sex and cheat so I'm putting this out there that I don't see allowing that opportunity to even happen. BF has already expressed an interest in combining more part of our lives and I have already started inviting the BF to activities with do with the acquaintances. BF has mentioned wanting me to meet friends but it hasn't happened yet. I have a double date planned with one of the guy friends and their spouse shortly. We have been friends for 20 years and nothing romantic ever happened between us. In fact he had set me with with a few of his friends over the years. The second guy friend I have known for 5 years. He had warned me that he had been trying to make a female friend but it always imploded. He has been the friend who has always helped me with things like if my car stopped working, I needed to move, I was sick and needed soup, etc. We did cross the line after a painful breakup with another guy a few years ago but I got my senses together and ended it and put a lot of distance in the relationship for some time. He hasn't tried to cross the line and frequently tells me he is like family - even telling people sometimes I am his niece. He's 20 years my senior so not someone I would want a relationship with. He would be willing to meet the new BF but he's not the type of guy to want to hang out with any of my friends in general. The female friend he isn't likely to meet much because she is busy with a new baby and the only time we get together now is every few months for lunch since our workplaces are close. Most of our relationship is on the phone or text now. I also have an acquaintance that is male I enjoy talking to at some events that BF and I attend. I have no romantic interest but we have some odd things in common and I enjoy chatting with him. He is new to my area, not a lot of friends in the area, and I've seen him ask a number of people (men, women, ones in relationships, and single) to do activities. He's mentioned twice (once in front of the BF) that we should do a certain activity. I have done it but invite BF and the entire group as I don't want to give this guy the impression it's a date. T This guy and a few other guys in the group have sent me a few messages. Usually things like asking me what I'm bringing to a potluck the group is having or if I can organize an activity. One apologized for not talking with me at an event. I just wrote back 'no worries... I'll see you at a future event'. I want to get some opinions of what else I should discuss with BF or other things I should be doing now that I'm in what seems like a very open, loving, healthy relationship (realizing it's still a bit new and we're still getting to know each other). I don't want BF to be uncomfortable or think I am hiding anything. Everything major I've mentioned in conversation. I am willing to put distance I really didn't think the messages were any big deal but should I bring them up to BF? I've brought a few up or have mentioned the contents in the course of conversation in front of BF while in the larger group. Also BF has a larger group of friends. Most of them sound like they are party guys (which is not my life style). I know he has several women friends in the group too. One is an XGF he dated for 5 months last year he has only just told me about. Are there any questions or things I should look out for here?
Gaeta Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I really didn't think the messages were any big deal but should I bring them up to BF? I've brought a few up or have mentioned the contents in the course of conversation in front of BF while in the larger group. I am not sure if I understand the question. You want to know if you have to report to your boyfriend the conversations you have with your friends? No. They're your friends and this for a long time. Your boyfriend should trust you know how to conduct yourself while in a relationship and you won't do anything sneaky. 2
Author Miss Peach Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 (edited) I know the first post was long winded but wanted to give a lot of the background. Basically I have two questions: 1. I was wondering people's thoughts and comfort with friends of the opposite sex. I see a lot of negative comments on LS - especially from the men on this forum. My previous relationships weren't healthy and I wanted to ideas as to what was normal, what topics I should bring up with BF, how to make each other feel trusted/comfortable, etc. Searching in the previous threads about this topic it seems to lead to suspicion of cheating, trust issues, etc. I don't want to mess it up with this guy over this topic and was looking for guidance of what happened in healthy relationships. 2. The messages were from acquaintances. A few guys in the group we've been attending have asked me out (I turned them down). Some have sent me messages with innocuous questions (for many men this could possibly be expressing interest). One guy I would be interested as a friend but I don't want to be disrespectful to BF. I don't want to bring up every guy that hits on me, tries to FB friend me, etc. but I also don't want BF to feel I'm hiding anything. I was curious what others feel is appropriate in these situations? When is something worth disclosing? Edited October 2, 2015 by Miss Peach
MoreAmore Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 I have several very close guy friends (and several very close girl friends). I'm bisexual, so I take offense at the idea you can't have friends of the gender you are attracted to. I am an introvert, but I value my friends and don't want to be isolated in perpetuum. I have never cheated in my life and I'm not going to start now. I have no problem with my significant other having friends if he doesn't hide anything from me. (The latter is the problem, not the former.). 4
Ami1uwant Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 I don't date women with close guy friends. In my experience, those guy friends either used to date or have sex with the girl, or they are still trying to date/have sex with her. Either way, having that guy as a close friend creates too many problems in a relationship for me to try and date the ladies that keep them around. It's called jealousy and lack of trust. 4
phineas Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 It's called wisdom and experience. Jealousy and lack of trust is the typical BS some people like to accuse others of so that they can treat them any way they like. Read up in the cheating and jealousy section in here. Stories of guy "friends" are not uncommon. yep. agree 100% it's called lack of respect & not knowing boundary's. I shouldn't have to compete for my GF's attention with her many guy friends and past hookups and or guys she dated and slept with for a few months casually. I shouldn't have to deal with them showing up for parties or group things at a bar & trying to **** her after she's had a few the second she is out of my sight either. Basically, a good women sends those guys packing and or lets me know she had a thing with them and then gives me a good reason why they are still in her life because we all know all hell would break loose if I was friends with a woman I used to sleep with. 3
carhill Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 Are there any questions or things I should look out for here? Transparency would be at the top of my list. Friendships are transparent and generally focused on shared interests and life philosophies or paths, hence quite easy to include one's spouse or dating partner into. It should be seamless and transparent. You've been dating four months. That's quite awhile. I presume you've been intimate and are exclusive. A couple. Time for a dinner party. Have fun! As an anecdote, I proposed to my now exW many years ago at the home of an old boyfriend of hers, and he was complicit in the surprise and had me dress up as Santa for the kids to ensure it. That's what friends do.
smackie9 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 It seems to me you both are level headed and above board about your opposite sex friends and acquaintances. Since he has come forward about the ex GF, you should mention your past short experience with the older guy friend of yours. It's only fair IMO. Other than that, you both will probably be moving on from your old friends in time, and establish new friendships.
Winterina Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 It's called wisdom and experience. Jealousy and lack of trust is the typical BS some people like to accuse others of so that they can treat them any way they like. Read up in the cheating and jealousy section in here. Stories of guy "friends" are not uncommon. But that is completely paranoid to not make difference between friends and "friends". I would never say bye to my friends that I know since kindergarten and grew up with, because someone I date heard stories about other people and that it happens that "friends" end up sleeping together and wants to therefore eliminate them from my life, because it can happen. I should then say to such a person: Most of the cheating actually happens at the workplace, like 60%, so you cannot have any female colleagues and you have to find a job that will only make you communicate with men. How do you respond to that? Bottom line is if people are cheaters they are going to cheat on you even if they have zero male friends. If they are not, they can be surrounded by them every day all day long, at work, in social circles and they are not going to do it. 2
Winterina Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 I'm not suggesting people say goodbye to childhood friends, just that those friendships are going to have to change for a relationship to work. I have female friends still, even though I have a GF. I never told those friends to get lost, but does that mean I go out drinking with them, call or text them all the time, have them come over to my house, or have inappropriate conversations with them? No. The problem is, many people don't respect any boundaries these days. If a guy "friend" is hanging around, having inappropriate talks with my GF, whatever, I am done. All I hear anymore is how people say that guys need to quit being jealous, but men aren't all idiots. We know that guy is only hanging around waiting for his turn to get laid. That is, if he hasn't already been there. I'm not making this crap up. Any woman who doesn't believe me can feel free to call her guy friends up and offer up sex. See how many of them come running. My prediction? Most or all of them. OH NO NO NO.... don't you change your story. This is a completely different take on what you were saying so far in this and other threads. If I recall it was: "I pick women that have no male friends. I would never date a woman with male friends." Glad to see you are adjusting your views and even having some female friends yourself. And even in this post, you are again assuming that your girlfriend's "friendships are going to have to change for a relationship to work..." Why don't you just assume that they need no changing and that they already are the way they should be? Besides, will you tell her to quit having those male colleagues because most of cheating happens at work. Don't believe me - check the stats. This is not assumption, this is a fact. So for all your paranoia about being cheated on with a friend, you will never eliminate nr place of cheating - workplace.
Winterina Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Before you quote me, you should be sure that you are doing so correctly. I said I don't date women with close male friends. Huge difference. A girl that has a male friend they chat with occasionally, maybe keep in touch on social media, that's no big deal. The woman who has male friends she goes out with, spends nights with, chats with all the time, tells all her secrets to, that's the woman I pass on. Ok. You are still mixing "close" friend and "inappropriate" friend. How can I not be close to someone I knew all my life, who has been there for me when life offered me lemons? Brought me food and meds when I got flu, came to pick me up at the airport, babysat my cat when I was away, gave my parents money when I could not and they needed it... This however does not mean that we are discussing our sex lives, flirting, sharing the bed, or having thoughts about banging each other. Not every male female relationship is driven with secret agenda and sexual attraction. But yes, some are! Myself, I do dump anyone that is not a real friend when in serious relationship. Some women and men don't. You can never know who is who unless you use your intuition. Don't have a close guy friend stop you from being with someone. 2
neowulf Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Every person is different. My advice? Figure out what matters to *you* and what you're willing to give up. Don't let others determine what is "normal". Figure out what compromises you're willing to make. I'm friends with a couple of my ex's, just as some of my ex's were friends with other guys. It's something you just have to grow up and accept these days. This isn't the 1950's, where you marry a woman and forbid her from ever having contact with the opposite sex again. 1
Author Miss Peach Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 Just wanted to thank everyone for their opinions. After spending most of my adult life gaslighted I sometimes question what is normal. I'll just keep introducing BF and I have already put in a lot of distance with the one friend who is the more inappropriate one. He isn't wanting to hang out with me and BF at this time so I might have to make some hard decisions soon.
deadelvis Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 There's an old expression about attractive women and their male "friends" that goes something like this... If you think a guy is just a friend you should wait till you're alone together and walk into the room naked. Say "I want you to f*** me". If he say's "sorry I can't. I value your friendship too much" then congratulations, he really is just a friend.
phineas Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 There's an old expression about attractive women and their male "friends" that goes something like this... If you think a guy is just a friend you should wait till you're alone together and walk into the room naked. Say "I want you to f*** me". If he say's "sorry I can't. I value your friendship too much" then congratulations, he really is just a friend. LOL! What man who isn't gay would turn down free sex from a hot woman, friend or not?
neowulf Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 LOL! What man who isn't gay would turn down free sex from a hot woman, friend or not? Would you have sex with your sister? A cousin? Because that's how I feel about some of my female friends. It'd be like my sister walked into my room naked. I'd be horrified and embarrassed.
phineas Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Would you have sex with your sister? A cousin? Because that's how I feel about some of my female friends. It'd be like my sister walked into my room naked. I'd be horrified and embarrassed. 1. a hot chick friend isn't my sister. period. 2. i'm not gay and if a hot chick friend offers it i'll take it. 3. women can't handle rejection. period. turning down a hot female friend that nobody turns down will ruin your friendship worse than a one time hookup. Trust me on this. It's happened to me more than a few times. Now, i just bang them & bang them & everything is copacetic as long as I understand it was a one-time thing & don't fall for them (which I never do because we are incompatible when it comes to dating).
kismetkismet Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 All you have to do is be honest. You don't have to report to him about everything, but you should never lie or conceal anything either. If your relationship with them is truly innocent then he will get used to it. If he doesn't then he is too jealous. Some men can't handle it, but are you really going to drop your best friends because your bf is insecure and controlling? My closest friend is male, we talk every day and we go for drinks together frequently, usually in groups but occasionally alone. No guy I date can tell me not to be his friend because they are new to my life and that friend has been there for me through so much. In the early stages however I do try to be very careful to explain the friendship, without making it a big deal. I refer to him as my buddy, mention his girlfriend etc. We've been single at the same time, been in relationships at the same time, i've crashed at his house after drinking while we were both single and nothing happened.. it's not a matter of missed opportunity. He also is one of those guys who 90% of his friends are female. I try to have them meet fairly soonish so that the guy can see that there isn't any sexual chemistry or flirtation between us. I wouldn't sleep at his house while in a relationship and i wouldn't directly choose the friend over the bf. 2
Author Miss Peach Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) I agree with everyone in that I don't want to drop my small pool of friends over a guy who is jealous and insecure. My ex constantly wanted me to drop ALL of my friends over his insecurity. I haven't got the feeling BF is jealous or insecure. I just don't want to give him a reason not to trust me. I'm not too worried about the first guy because BF already met him and his husband. If a guy I date had an issue with me hanging out with a married gay guy we have a problem. I've more worried about the second guy friend. He is much older, never married, we have totally different values, want different things, and there is no attraction from me there so I expect there to be any issues sexually from my side. I would also end the friendship if this guy made unwanted advances or crossed that line. There was a time that happened after my last BF broke up with me and it was a huge mistake and I really regret it. This guy and I have always gotten along and helped each other but that was not what I want by a long shot. I went NC on this guy for a little bit and then we rekindled the friendship. This is the first relationship I have attempted since that time. We've been broken up for more than a year. I've been wanting to introduce the second guy friend just because I don't want BF to think there is anything to hide. The new development is that the second guy friend doesn't want to meet the BF. (He hasn't wanted to meet anyone in my life ever.) He says he's not opposed but doesn't want to yet. Based on my experience with him, I believe it was more of a passive aggressive way of saying no. I had promised this guy friend I would help him with something for the next 10 months and I have told BF this. This guy friend is also dating other women casually (he dislikes relationships) so there isn't any jealousy that I'm aware of coming from this guy. I feel in an odd position now. I don't want to hide anything but I can't force someone to do something they don't want. I also don't want to break my promise to help (which would have a financial impact on me). I'm also worried if I tell BF that this guy doesn't want to meet him that it would make him suspicious and uncomfortable about the situation. Edited October 6, 2015 by Miss Peach
Author Miss Peach Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 There's an old expression about attractive women and their male "friends" that goes something like this... If you think a guy is just a friend you should wait till you're alone together and walk into the room naked. Say "I want you to f*** me". If he say's "sorry I can't. I value your friendship too much" then congratulations, he really is just a friend. I totally know about this. That's why I am very selective of male friends and I keep male acquaintances at a distance.
kismetkismet Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 That is a bit strange that he doesn't want to meet him.. Can you ask him to do it as a favour for the sake of your relationship? If he IS a good friend then i can't see why that would be such a big deal. Meeting the male friends is an important part of maintaining the friendship with them I think. Things become a lot more suspicious when you compartmentalize the two relationships. It would make you think that the person is too jealous to meet you, or that the two people want to maintain a sort of half relationship facade that would be ruined by meeting the real boyfriend. If he refuses I'd ask him why, and then ask him to do it for you as a favour if he still isn't that interested.
neowulf Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 1. a hot chick friend isn't my sister. period. 2. i'm not gay and if a hot chick friend offers it i'll take it. 3. women can't handle rejection. period. turning down a hot female friend that nobody turns down will ruin your friendship worse than a one time hookup. Trust me on this. It's happened to me more than a few times. Now, i just bang them & bang them & everything is copacetic as long as I understand it was a one-time thing & don't fall for them (which I never do because we are incompatible when it comes to dating). Good for you man, so long as you realise you're not the only kind of "man" out there. I'm not gay and I'm certainly not trying to "bang" my female friends. If I want sex, I'll go out and get a relationship with a woman I want to have sex with. I'm able to see women as people first, sex toys second. 1
phineas Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 Good for you man, so long as you realise you're not the only kind of "man" out there. I'm not gay and I'm certainly not trying to "bang" my female friends. If I want sex, I'll go out and get a relationship with a woman I want to have sex with. I'm able to see women as people first, sex toys second. Please re-read. I don't try to bang them because we are not compatible dating wise and it would ruin the friendship. Actually it would cause drama in the social circle. But, if they come onto me, we have sex then it's like it never happened & all is good in the universe. also, don't need a relationship for sex. And sorry to break it to you but women use men just as equally for sex and I'm perfectly happy to accommodate them.
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