Bo34 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 A lot of people say that the only way to truly move on, is if you completely let go and although I do tend to agree with that, I'm also an individual that doesn't paint things black and white. It's easier said than done, since we're human and it's so hard to completely let go. I mean, you may not have the physical pain when you think about them anymore, but that doesn't mean you don't think about them. I have moved on in the sense that I'm going out again, being much more social and having fun. I have a mutual friend who recently showed me a few pictures of a girl he knows of and thinks would be a good match with me. I'm not trying to think too ahead, but I remain cautiously hopeful that something can be in the works when I meet her next week and it's given me some upswing in being optimistic again.... So, what I want to know is, am I doing okay? Am I truly moving on?? If I'm slowly getting happy again, being busy, remaining hopeful I can meet someone else other than my ex, while at the same time still have some glimmer of hope she will contact me in the future to reconcile? 1
guest569 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 You shouldn't go dating while longing for the ex.is not fair on the new girl if things start to progress and you're not really available 1
Christos Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 To tell you the truth, that is my worst fear right now. I broke up 4 months ago, had a few meetings and sex 3 months ago, with my ex of 6 years. Right now i am dating another woman, and i am taking it really slow. I have a gut feeling that my ex will come back. Also, i am afraid she is BPD. And if she indeed is, she will definitely come back at some point... It sounds strange, but i love her, even though she betrayed me. I don't know what to do. Right now, i don't think i want my ex back. But that is because she is done with me, and NC. I don't know, if and when she comes to take me back, how i will react. And that scares me from going forward. Still, i can't stand still, let time pass, and not enjoy my life. I am open about my feelings with the woman i am dating. I told her everything. Actually, this has made her pull back a little too, but that's ok. I have a clear conscience... 5
Draper Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I think you can, in a sense. The thing is, you can't spend your days indefinitely hoping she comes back. I do believe, however, that you can move on without letting go. The difference is that 'hoping' indicates your actively wishing, longing for her to come back. You can't do that - it's too hard to move on like that. If you want to move on, she has to be out of your mind. That being said, there may always be something in the deepest depths of your mind that never lets go. I tend to think that's not really a conscious decision though - you might move on and never think about her again, or if she comes back you may not want it anymore. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: If she comes back, cross that bridge when the time comes. Don't spend your time wising she comes back. Now that's obviously easier said then done. To tell you the truth, I'm terrified my ex will come back someday and I'll be every bit in love with her as I was before everything went downhill. I don't know if I can ever let her go completely, but I know I have to go on with life in the present. 3
Author Bo34 Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 You shouldn't go dating while longing for the ex.is not fair on the new girl if things start to progress and you're not really available Good point, but I'm not. I haven't dated anyone since my breakup and haven't even come close. It wasn't until recently that I finally started slowly getting better and stopped feeling sorry for myself. I hear what you're saying but what are my alternatives? To remain lonely and do nothing while sitting around and letting more time pass bye?
Shock148 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Go for it. You never know, you might meet the right person. She should have a right to know that you are still grieving for your ex. Take things slow and move on. At least if you feel that it isn't working out then she can have respect for you for you telling her in the beginning that you still have some feelings for your ex, are willing to move on, but it didnt happen. Just remember, take it slow with a new girl. The one's who dont and just jump right into it hot and heavy are the ones who end up hurting the female or vice versa. 1
erklat Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I can see from the way you're thinking you just started. You're far away from being healed because being healed means that you are able to like the other person the same or better than your ex. You're healed when it is plausible that you decline your ex because you're interested in someone else. From your sentences you're just out of the first stage of grief. Temporal relief comes from you accepting that you've broken up - not from you being healed.
MrReborn Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 You shouldn't go dating while longing for the ex.is not fair on the new girl if things start to progress and you're not really available I agree and disagree. There is a period of time in which you have to allow yourself to grieve(can be from days to months), but you should start meeting new people as soon as you're feeling better. You're always going to be somewhat attached to your ex, but personally I don't think it's a good idea to wait for the attachment to go completely away before seeing others. The reason being is that you could possibly be passing up great future lovers by holding back too much. Dating others helps clear your mind and shows that there are other potential matches, and keeps you from being hung up on one person. Nine out of ten times it applies for the dumpee though, not the dumper. The dumper usually has no problem moving on, and then they sometimes try to get back in touch with their ex due to current relationship problems or just from missing them. 4
adiamond Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I think you should date when you start feeling better as well. The new person might take your mind away from your ex IF they're a good partner. If you date someone else without being picky and just attaching to someone else, that might hurt you. Take your time and find someone who is really good and compatible with you. I also agree that you'll find yourself hoping that your ex comes back, but deal with that when it happens. Who knows, you might have found someone better by that time. 2
guest569 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Good point, but I'm not. I haven't dated anyone since my breakup and haven't even come close. It wasn't until recently that I finally started slowly getting better and stopped feeling sorry for myself. I hear what you're saying but what are my alternatives? To remain lonely and do nothing while sitting around and letting more time pass bye? I thought you were asking whether it is a good idea to start dating again despite longing for your ex. It just sounds to me like you have a bit more healing to do before you get back out there. I started dating again 4 months post breakup, I was at the stage where although i missed my ex, I wouldn't take him back. You're not sitting around wasting time, you're healing. Dont rush it or you risk hurting yourself and others
Samuel_22 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I think Christos and Shock148 nailed it. You can't wait forever, in the mean time the new person needs to know what you are going through. I was a reboundee in my last RS and I hate my ex for not telling me what she had been through, she even told me she had not been in any relationships for a long time. Your integrity in the new RS is pivotal. 52 days have passed since my ex went back to her ex, but because of things she told me upon BU I still have some hope for reconciliation too. This is specially wrong for a reboundee but I can't help it. Since I badly fell for this person. I have also met a new girl, she is cute and attractive, she showed up out of the blue, and she was the one who put forward the idea, I did not dare tell her about my feelings for my ex, but I told her there are some problems I need to sort out, that I appreciate her offer and we might be able to make it work. For the time being we are just friends, I am gonna wait a little longer, before I commit, and if I do, I will change my phone number, because then I don't want to hear from my ex anymore. 4
thejabberwocky Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I don't think you can really move on unless you accept that the relationship is over and that they are not coming back. Otherwise, it's more like you're just passing time until they decide they want you again. 3
quattrob Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Good point, but I'm not. I haven't dated anyone since my breakup and haven't even come close. It wasn't until recently that I finally started slowly getting better and stopped feeling sorry for myself. I hear what you're saying but what are my alternatives? To remain lonely and do nothing while sitting around and letting more time pass bye? To learn to be happy alone. Not rely on others for your happiness is something you should be doing at this point and in the future. When you truly can be happy with yourself, that's the best time to find someone to share it with. Until then, learn to be happy alone/with yourself. 1
candie13 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Really really keep moving. Go out, meet people and relax. Research shows us that it takes us much less time to get over a break up than we think or imagine it might. I personally think you're doing just fine. There's no switch on and off button for when a RS ends, it's a process. And by focusing on today and on your life, you are actually in that process, moving ahead. You need to go out and meet people, meet women ... And yeah, date! Date a LOT! Take the plunge, it'll do you massive good! Dating randomly is not getting yourself in another RS asap, btw! It's flirting, familiarizing yourself with the dating scene ... allowing yourself to get attracted to other women. You will get there eventually ! It's only dating, not solving world hunger, chill, mate ! 3
singme2sleep Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I honestly think you're doing the right thing, and I also feel that some people we never really do fully get over. As long as you're being honest with the woman you're currently dating and she understands...however if things get more serious and she falls for you then your ex suddenly comes back into the picture and wants you back...somebody gets hurt. My advice is just take it day by day. A part of you may always hope she comes back and that's OK, you're human. 2
candie13 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 To learn to be happy alone. Not rely on others for your happiness is something you should be doing at this point and in the future. When you truly can be happy with yourself, that's the best time to find someone to share it with. Until then, learn to be happy alone/with yourself. That's a nice theoretic advice. In reality, the more you stay home single and horny, the more you will obsess about your ex. Be happy alone is a big big BS! We are social creatures. I say "follow your dreams, talk to your friends, reach out to people, create connections, explore your hobbies and find other interest points/ passions". Nothing will change unless you are. What do you expect to happen if you stay by yourself, in your room all day? Reach enlightenment, like Buddha? No, mate, you need to work for it, like the rest of us, humans! And that happens out there, in the real world, not inside the comfortable & safe boundaries of your home ! My 2 cents, anyways 3
Author Bo34 Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 I think you can, in a sense. The thing is, you can't spend your days indefinitely hoping she comes back. I do believe, however, that you can move on without letting go. The difference is that 'hoping' indicates your actively wishing, longing for her to come back. You can't do that - it's too hard to move on like that. If you want to move on, she has to be out of your mind. That being said, there may always be something in the deepest depths of your mind that never lets go. I tend to think that's not really a conscious decision though - you might move on and never think about her again, or if she comes back you may not want it anymore. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: If she comes back, cross that bridge when the time comes. Don't spend your time wising she comes back. Now that's obviously easier said then done. To tell you the truth, I'm terrified my ex will come back someday and I'll be every bit in love with her as I was before everything went downhill. I don't know if I can ever let her go completely, but I know I have to go on with life in the present. Draper: I don't think about my ex like I did before where I spend hours upon hours of the day constantly thinking about her and dwelling. Now, I'm not going to lie, I still do think about her, us and when or if a day will ever come if she will come back, but they're just thoughts that come and go throughout the day. When I'm busy, I don't even have much thoughts at all. This is only present when I'm idle. It's so funny how little we know our own mind. How even though we spend every waking minute of everyday with it, there are so many things we don't know about it. I don't know if my mind is playing a trick on me, but as of the moment, I'm of the belief that although I may not fully be over her, I'm over her enough to let go and finally start dating others. I think it's the only way because to sit and wait until I am fully healed may take many, many months, if not longer and I just can't afford to do that. To tell you the truth, that is my worst fear right now. I broke up 4 months ago, had a few meetings and sex 3 months ago, with my ex of 6 years. Right now i am dating another woman, and i am taking it really slow. I have a gut feeling that my ex will come back. Also, i am afraid she is BPD. And if she indeed is, she will definitely come back at some point... It sounds strange, but i love her, even though she betrayed me. I don't know what to do. Right now, i don't think i want my ex back. But that is because she is done with me, and NC. I don't know, if and when she comes to take me back, how i will react. And that scares me from going forward. Still, i can't stand still, let time pass, and not enjoy my life. I am open about my feelings with the woman i am dating. I told her everything. Actually, this has made her pull back a little too, but that's ok. I have a clear conscience... Christos: I'm right there with you, my friend. There are days where I have thoughts that it's over and she will never come back and then there are days where I have thoughts that she eventually will come back. I completely agree with you when you said, you can't stand still, let time pass, and not do anything. EVERYTHING IS A RISK! There will be many who will conclude I am being very selfish; That in not fully being healed - In the sense, of still having hopes of her coming back, I am putting another girl at harms way. Although, that's very true, I also think that every R/S comes with great risks. So, it really shouldn't be a determining factor in me not dating. Also, what if I do end up dating and falling in love with another partner that I will love even more so than my ex. The only way forwards is to accept risk and put yourself out there. Yes, it is in some ways very selfish, but at the end of the day, the only way forward is to be selfish in wanting what you desire and deserve in life. 2
candie13 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Oh, and please do not obsess about "what happens if your ex comes back". You'll cross that bridge when you get there. You're single. You have broken up. You shouldn't put your life on hold for something that might or might not happen ! It's normal and natural to still have feelings. But meeting other people and living other experiences will give you perspective and that is massive massive help ! 2
pidgeon1010 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I have been thinking about the same question. I am 4 months NC and moving on with my life. I am on online dating websites and would love to meet someone but that hasn't happened yet. I still have tiny bit of hope my ex will come back. Does that mean I should sit on my ass and quit dating until that hope goes away completely? I don't think so! I am just going to keep chugging along. Happy to find someone new and if he comes back, that will be a bridge I will cross when I get there, if ever. 1
Author Bo34 Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 Really really keep moving. Go out, meet people and relax. Research shows us that it takes us much less time to get over a break up than we think or imagine it might. I personally think you're doing just fine. There's no switch on and off button for when a RS ends, it's a process. And by focusing on today and on your life, you are actually in that process, moving ahead. You need to go out and meet people, meet women ... And yeah, date! Date a LOT! Take the plunge, it'll do you massive good! Dating randomly is not getting yourself in another RS asap, btw! It's flirting, familiarizing yourself with the dating scene ... allowing yourself to get attracted to other women. You will get there eventually ! It's only dating, not solving world hunger, chill, mate ! Candie13: This is so true!! Every word of what you said. Nothing will happen if you don't put yourself out there. You hear and read a lot of people saying we have to wait until we're fully healed in order to start dating again. But that can take such a long time. On top of that, by not dating or putting ourselves back out there, we're only making things worse because we have nothing to look forward to. I think you're spot on when you said it's not an on and off switch. That is so true. Nothing is black and white and you can't immediately go from having profound deep feelings to nothing whatsoever at all for someone. I'm not advocating going on a date and turning it into a relationship the moment after you get dumped. I had my share of grieving, took me a few months, but now, I'm at the point where I think it's okay to go out there again date, even though I still have feelings for my ex.
quattrob Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 That's a nice theoretic advice. In reality, the more you stay home single and horny, the more you will obsess about your ex. Be happy alone is a big big BS! We are social creatures. I say "follow your dreams, talk to your friends, reach out to people, create connections, explore your hobbies and find other interest points/ passions". Nothing will change unless you are. What do you expect to happen if you stay by yourself, in your room all day? Reach enlightenment, like Buddha? No, mate, you need to work for it, like the rest of us, humans! And that happens out there, in the real world, not inside the comfortable & safe boundaries of your home ! My 2 cents, anyways I do not mean to stay alone locked in your room and do nothing, what I mean is you should learn to be "OK" on your own (not in a relationship), go do fun things with friends and things that you couldn't do if you were in a relationship. Join a community, play sports whatever, all these are social. I have no idea why you would interpret what I said as "stay home alone" and do nothing. Again what I meant was he should learn to be fine with being single and not have to rely on someone for his own happiness. 1
candie13 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I do not mean to stay alone locked in your room and do nothing, what I mean is you should learn to be "OK" on your own (not in a relationship), go do fun things with friends and things that you couldn't do if you were in a relationship. Join a community, play sports whatever, all these are social. I have no idea why you would interpret what I said as "stay home alone" and do nothing. Again what I meant was he should learn to be fine with being single and not have to rely on someone for his own happiness. Ohhhh, I get it, I have interpreted "alone" as "alone" not as single. I agree with your post ... I dunno, even dating and enjoying some company, not necessarily a RS, all these help move further. And I totally agree that he should not lie to any woman or lie... but he should play the game, go out and have a blast, if he can
quattrob Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Ohhhh, I get it, I have interpreted "alone" as "alone" not as single. I agree with your post ... I dunno, even dating and enjoying some company, not necessarily a RS, all these help move further. And I totally agree that he should not lie to any woman or lie... but he should play the game, go out and have a blast, if he can No worries, dating is fine but like you said you need to be honest with the person you're dating with, that you're not fully over the previous and that perhaps you have some issues you need to sort out. Anyways once OP can fully accept it's over and is happy with just being "single", it would be the best way to enter the new relationship. 1
guest569 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 I'm saying that if you start dating or a new relationship, it should be because you want to and are interested and available.. NOT attached to an ex, not to fill in time whilst you wait for your ex to take you back.
guest569 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 On top of that, by not dating or putting ourselves back out there, we're only making things worse because we have nothing to look forward to. Thats pretty grim, nothing to look forward to. I agree with others that you need to find happiness and not relying on others for it. And I am not saying to sit at home crying, I'm not saying to wait years. But your breakup was less than 2 months ago, right? I'm not sure why you even asked as you have made up your mind. Good luck!
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