jrain Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 My ex and I dated for 2 years, had a very close relationship and a mostly amicable split due to differences in the way we saw our future family lifestyle. Here is my issue... she has been dating some guy she met online for the past 5 months. and she cut me off so as "not to have ties to an ex". Which is understandable. She was my best friend and I still care for her deeply. Now I have reasonable suspicion this guy is doing stuff behind her back, logging into dating sites and messaging other girls. Not suspicion, it is a fact that he has kept profiles on 3 websites and still logs in daily. Meanwhile, she took down her profile from OkCupid months ago, and he took down his OKcupid profile down at the same time (but left up Match, Jdate, and POF profiles). I know about his profiles because she had told me a little about him a while ago (and I am a crazy cyberstalker haha). I don't know the protocol of what I can tell her without coming off as "sour grapes". Actually, I truly want her to be happy. And I don't want to be the one who messes things up for her. She is in her early 30s and her friends all have relationships and marriages and it doesn't seem to me that she would waste time with someone who does this crap behind her back. I have more saucy details to share, but I don't want to make my first post too long.
PegNosePete Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 You have split up and she has initiated a clean break, she does not wish to remain friends, she does not want any ties to you. So why are you stalking her?? Her new BF and his actions are not your concern. Just stop stalking her and live your own life. Move on dude. 2
Author jrain Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 (edited) Well because the only reason she cut me out was because she was dating this guy. Also, it was not a clean break. We still talked every day and hung out for an additional year, before she met this guy (i was ok with that) I agree with you that it is not my business. At the same, she does deserve to know if the guy is doing shady stuff behind her back (just not to hear it from me probably)\ Finally, i'm relatively certain that if she was not dating this guy, she would still be talking to me and hanging out. Which is why I stay on the line, since it looks like the relationship is about to fail.. Yea I should probably move on Edited October 2, 2015 by jrain
Lilac Love Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 You have split up and she has initiated a clean break, she does not wish to remain friends, she does not want any ties to you. So why are you stalking her?? Her new BF and his actions are not your concern. Just stop stalking her and live your own life. Move on dude. Quoted for emphasis... This issue is between your ex-girlfriend and her current boyfriend. It is natural to still care about her deeply, but you also need to focus on your own life and emotional well-being.
Author jrain Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 (edited) Quoted for emphasis... This issue is between your ex-girlfriend and her current boyfriend. It is natural to still care about her deeply, but you also need to focus on your own life and emotional well-being. I agree. It is really hard for me to move on because we kind of had an "understanding" that if we were both single, then we would still be together unofficially. Since our relationship was generally very good except for our differing visions of future which prevented us from marriage/family. I also don't have many friends, she was a great friend, interesting and rich.. now i'm poor and alone haha Edited October 2, 2015 by jrain
Lilac Love Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I agree. It is really hard for me to move on because we kind of had an "understanding" that if we were both single, then we would still be together unofficially. Since she is currently in a relationship, this is not a possibility. Since our relationship was generally very good except for our differing visions of future which prevented us from marriage/family. I also don't have many friends, she was a great friend, interesting and rich.. now i'm poor and alone haha Perhaps it's time for you to develop new friendships. You are more than your previous relationship.
Shock148 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Dude it's really none of your business. You clearly havent moved on if you are cyber stalking. You have no more ties with her, she cut you off. Just let her find out for herself the hard way if he is indeed doing something suspicious. If anything, it might be nothing. Move on and live your life, you should have no concern over her anymore especially when HER wishes are to not have anything to do with you anymore.
Shock148 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I agree. It is really hard for me to move on because we kind of had an "understanding" that if we were both single, then we would still be together unofficially. Since our relationship was generally very good except for our differing visions of future which prevented us from marriage/family. I also don't have many friends, she was a great friend, interesting and rich.. now i'm poor and alone haha Ok that was the understanding and guess what? Shes not single anymore so case in point you need to back off and understand that. I understand you dont have many friends but she chose not to remain your friend while being in a relationship. Why bother at this point? She clearly doesnt feel the same way you do about her.
Author jrain Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 (edited) Ok that was the understanding and guess what? Shes not single anymore so case in point you need to back off and understand that. I understand you dont have many friends but she chose not to remain your friend while being in a relationship. Why bother at this point? She clearly doesnt feel the same way you do about her. I know what you are saying How bad is it that I texted or emailed her like once or twice month just asking how she was doing or something similar and light? She never replied of course Actually at one point I was getting over it, but then this guy started logging online again and actually her online profile popped up a couple times, so i'm assuming they were having rough times and it got me all worked up again Edited October 2, 2015 by jrain
Shock148 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I know what you are saying How bad is it that I texted or emailed her like once or twice month just asking how she was doing or something similar and light? She never replied of course She never replied because she cut you off in favor and out of respect for her new boyfriend. The texts and email is whatever, her not responding to you sucks I know, but take that as a lesson. You are wasting your time contacting her because she won't contact you back. You need to start making new friends and start forgetting about her because she has obviously forgotten about you and doesn't care about you to even respond.
dumbass2 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 It's really too bad that you two stayed in that kind of contact after the break up. It's never ever a good idea. So you two kind of had an understanding, but now you are hurting again. You seem obsessed with her and that is not good and not allowing you to think clearly. The cyber stalking that you are doing is so unhealthy and no, you cannot say anything to her as that will also come off very very creepy that you've been keeping tabs on this guy. You really need to back away. It is absolutely none of your business. You two already figured out that there is no long term possibility, so you have to let each other go and find happiness with someone that you at least have of a possibility of a long term future with. She is trying to do that and so should you. You two also cannot "just" be friends any time soon. 1
Shock148 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I know what you are saying How bad is it that I texted or emailed her like once or twice month just asking how she was doing or something similar and light? She never replied of course Actually at one point I was getting over it, but then this guy started logging online again and actually her online profile popped up a couple times, so i'm assuming they were having rough times and it got me all worked up again For the second part, like we have said, it is their business. You got riled up because you are still not over her but please don't try to reach out to her and try to be the "knight and shining armor" guy. Let them work out their issues and if one day it is over, then don't contact her. Let her contact you. There's nothing more pathetic or desperate than an ex messaging "Oh I see your relationship didnt work out, whats up?"
Shock148 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 It's really too bad that you two stayed in that kind of contact after the break up. It's never ever a good idea. So you two kind of had an understanding, but now you are hurting again. You seem obsessed with her and that is not good and not allowing you to think clearly. The cyber stalking that you are doing is so unhealthy and no, you cannot say anything to her as that will also come off very very creepy that you've been keeping tabs on this guy. You really need to back away. It is absolutely none of your business. You two already figured out that there is no long term possibility, so you have to let each other go and find happiness with someone that you at least have of a possibility of a long term future with. She is trying to do that and so should you. You two also cannot "just" be friends any time soon. I completely agree with dumbass. I don't know if it really was an amicable split since she seemed fine being friends and moving on while you seemed content with just having her in one form or another in your life. And now look at you, it's basically like breaking up all over again even though you were never together again after the first time. This is the reason why everyone should go NC or limited NC for amicable split and not be so buddy buddy with your ex until you are completely over her. She obviously did the right thing and now you are stuck again. It sucks but just move on and forget about her. Once again she has forgotten about you already.
Author jrain Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 (edited) It's really too bad that you two stayed in that kind of contact after the break up. It's never ever a good idea. So you two kind of had an understanding, but now you are hurting again. You seem obsessed with her and that is not good and not allowing you to think clearly. The cyber stalking that you are doing is so unhealthy and no, you cannot say anything to her as that will also come off very very creepy that you've been keeping tabs on this guy. You really need to back away. It is absolutely none of your business. You two already figured out that there is no long term possibility, so you have to let each other go and find happiness with someone that you at least have of a possibility of a long term future with. She is trying to do that and so should you. You two also cannot "just" be friends any time soon. I agree with you guys about not telling her, and it being none of my business I'd like to know how bad it looks from her point of view that I've texted or emailed on average once a month for the past 5 months? My messages were short and light, just checking in. does it make me look like a psycho? p.s. nice to have people to talk to about it on here, thanks! Edited October 2, 2015 by jrain
mightycpa Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 The good news: Short and light texts from an ex, once a month for the past 5 months even after no reply repeatedly does not seem psycho. The bad news: It seems sad and pathetic. And I have no idea what "unofficially together" means. It sounds like it means you're a dating barnacle.. clinging on like concrete, extremely difficult to get rid of.
Author jrain Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 The good news: Short and light texts from an ex, once a month for the past 5 months even after no reply repeatedly does not seem psycho. The bad news: It seems sad and pathetic. And I have no idea what "unofficially together" means. It sounds like it means you're a dating barnacle.. clinging on like concrete, extremely difficult to get rid of. Well by unofficially together, we were very close friends, spoke everyday, slept together, and sometimes I was her date to weddings or other events. I put myself in a vulnerable position, I said she could go on dates but once she starts seeing someone then we have to stop talking... it's been hard for me to hold up my end of the bargain
mightycpa Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Oh, ok. We used to call that being her gayfriend. I got it. By "slept together" I assume you mean actual sleep and no touching?
Shock148 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 (edited) Well by unofficially together, we were very close friends, spoke everyday, slept together, and sometimes I was her date to weddings or other events. I put myself in a vulnerable position, I said she could go on dates but once she starts seeing someone then we have to stop talking... it's been hard for me to hold up my end of the bargain Sleep together as in sex? If so then you went from a relationship to just f*ck buddies? Yeah that was a horrible idea. She was using you man. She was actively looking for someone else to replace you while still getting everything out of you that she would get from a boyfriend. Once she found someone better she dropped you like yesterday's garbage. Sorry to say but she was having her cake and eating it too. She seems like the type of women who doesnt like being single so she got all of the emotional support and sexual needs from you because she trusts you more than any other random guy but once she started to talk to her current boyfriend and got to a certain level of trust with him, you were expendable. Next time this happens to you tell your ex girlfriend that you are sorry but once it is over I cannot constantly be there for you or be your dates at events. I am not your boyfriend so either we can try to work things out and be together or find someone else to find emotional support. Edited October 2, 2015 by Shock148
mightycpa Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Sleep together as in sex? If so then you went from a relationship to just f*ck buddies? Yeah that was a horrible idea. She was using you man. She was actively looking for someone else to replace you while still getting everything out of you that she would get from a boyfriend. Once she found someone better she dropped you like yesterday's garbage. Sorry to say but she was having her cake and eating it too. She seems like the type of women who doesnt like being single so she got all of the emotional support and sexual needs from you because she trusts you more than any other random guy but once she started to talk to her current boyfriend and got to a certain level of trust with him, you were expendable.I'm having a hard time understanding why that's so horrible. I don't think he's getting sex, which is far worse in my mind, but how bad can it be if you're the go-to guy when she's between boyfriends? It doesn't sound like there is any demand that he has to remain faithful to her.
Author jrain Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 Oh, ok. We used to call that being her gayfriend. I got it. By "slept together" I assume you mean actual sleep and no touching? Haha it was everything in a relationship except it was going nowhere it was built upon 2 years of an actual real relationship, so it was able to last for a little since we still had good feelings
mightycpa Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I think I'm back to being unclear. Here's my take on it: If you're a sexless companion, then tell her to get a dog. If you're the prize stud she uses between boyfriends, then get your mind right about this girl, and enjoy it while it lasts. A couple more girlfriends while you're "unofficially together" ought to do the trick.
Author jrain Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 (edited) I think I'm back to being unclear. Here's my take on it: If you're a sexless companion, then tell her to get a dog. If you're the prize stud she uses between boyfriends, then get your mind right about this girl, and enjoy it while it lasts. A couple more girlfriends while you're "unofficially together" ought to do the trick. I was the "cabana boy" (yes sex) until she found her husband (her words)... now i'm just longing to be that again haha it seems the key to being a good cabana boy is being loving and respectful and fulfilling of all needs, while not being so emotionally attached that you can't let go when the time comes.. i failed this time Edited October 2, 2015 by jrain
mightycpa Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 well then, yes, get your mind right, and you'll be ok. now you're back to square one.
Shock148 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 (edited) I'm having a hard time understanding why that's so horrible. I don't think he's getting sex, which is far worse in my mind, but how bad can it be if you're the go-to guy when she's between boyfriends? It doesn't sound like there is any demand that he has to remain faithful to her. You are having a hard time understanding this? Ok well look whose making the thread and look who isn't. Once it's over, it's over. I am not the in between guy to my ex girlfriend until she gets someone better. That's basically saying we broke up because our relationship won't work, but I will continue to act like an unofficial boyfriend by constantly seeking and getting emotional and sexual support, but in public and friends/families we are just friends. Once I find someone I really want to be with, you are cut out of my life because I want to be with him and his emotional sexual needs. Then you, as a person who are not over your ex, who gladly accepeted this "in between" stage gets hurt again. Unless the OP felt the same as she did (which obviously he didnt) then this is a bad approach. If he did, then yes there's no problem we are in agreement more power to him. But he obviously was not. He would have been like ok well it was fun while it lasted, time to move onto the next one and not make a thread here stating his feelings towards her and creepily stalking her boyfriend and her on social media. Edited October 2, 2015 by Shock148
Author jrain Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 You are having a hard time understanding this? Ok well look whose making the thread and look who isn't. Once it's over, it's over. I am not the in between guy to my ex girlfriend until she gets someone better. That's basically saying we broke up because our relationship won't work, but I will continue to act like an unofficial boyfriend by constantly seeking and getting emotional and sexual support, but in public and friends/families we are just friends. Once I find someone I really want to be with, you are cut out of my life because I want to be with him and his emotional sexual needs. Then you, as a person who are not over your ex, who gladly accepeted this "in between" stage gets hurt again. Unless the OP felt the same as she did (which obviously he didnt) then this is a bad approach. If he did, then yes there's no problem we are in agreement more power to him. But he obviously was not. He would have been like ok well it was fun while it lasted, time to move onto the next one and not make a thread here stating his feelings towards her and creepily stalking her boyfriend and her on social media. i'd rather be a creep and be somewhat protective of my ex when I see something is fishy going on than to be an dishonest person who keeps someone on the line while looking for someone better... anyway, it's not healthy for me and i'm moving on
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