Playing it cool w new romantic interest

[ravfour4]

Well put, I agree with your assessment, although I wouldn't say I'm miserable - the portion of time I'm worried is continually shrinking.

[ravfour4]

So - past few days I had barely contacted her, maybe one text in the morning and then nothing after that for 8-9 hours. She started to send me I miss you texts and snaps, I felt like me pulling away was positive.

 

I did the same today and later on she called twice, again it looked like pulling away was helping. She answered when I called back but seemed short, we ended the call after a few min. Then after her being ice cold in texts, I called her.

 

She was distant and I said it seemed like she didn't want to talk and asked if anything was wrong, then she said something was bothering her. I said please tell me, it was two things I had said, one in the past and one last night. The first one - I offered to bring her on a 4 week foreign vacation I'll be awarded in a few months when I was fairly drunk one night and added "well only if you're still cool then" (8-9 months from now) as a joke. She replied "don't mess with me is love to, and you better still be cool too!!", it seemed like not a big deal and a joke (which it was)

 

Two nights ago I talked to her on the phone and said I'd help her with a class she's taking but that she'd owe me one (I was referring to kisses and sex as a joke since she told me she's terrible at this school topic). She laughed it off at the time, but supposedly she felt it was controlling and she doesn't want to owe me anything - of course, she doesn't. That was me just joking that she should appreciate my help if I give it (I'm willing to spend as much time is needed to help her, I love helping her).

 

She didn't really listen to my explanations, apologized for being bitchy, said she's having a bad day and it ended. This is just getting increasingly frustrating - she seems hyperparanoid of being dependent and that combined with my yearning for someone who's a bit needy is proving disastrous. She deeply fears what I subconsciously want and am used to. I have no idea where we stand right now. This morning she was saying she missed me and tonight she was criticizing everything I said (things I said days ago) and wasn't open minded to listen to where I was coming from.

 

My summary to her was that I really like her, I'd love to help her with stats and she doesn't owe me anything. She wasn't buying it, seemed to think I had alternative and sneaky motives.

 

I plan to say nothing to her until I get some type of apology for attacking me over her own personal insecurities and fears and as many of you have already suggested, I may need to end this due to these fundamental differences, even if I have really enjoyed my time with her.

Edited November 18, 2015 by ravfour4

[ravfour4]

I ended up texting her a succinct and well worded apology, saying that I apologize if what I said made her uncomfortable, that I respect her and am always here to help when and if she wants it but that she doesn't owe me a thing.

 

If she responds well, perhaps I can chalk it up as a misunderstanding/insecurity on her end. If she doesn't, I guess this thing is over.

[Riptide91]

If I'm honest it kind of sounds like she is scared to get too close to you. Maybe she has some commitment issues? Her getting angry about those things is very strange to me as both times her response at the time showed no signs of negative emotions. Then again women are hard to read sometimes.. Anyways, I think that this might be more of a struggle then you really want to get into, coming out of a breakup the last thing you want to do right away is get into a relationship with someone who is paranoid of being hurt or a commitment phone, it will only lead to you wondering where you went wrong and how you screwed it up.

 

If she doesn't apologize or give a good reasoning/explanation behind her actions other than "having a bad day" I would personally call it quits. She essentially started a fight over two dumb little things you said in a playful manner.

[ravfour4]

Thanks Riptide, I appreciate the response and reassurance that I'm not crazy here haha

 

She responded to my text rudely saying "that's not an apology", first time she's said something like that. I called her and we talked for a half hour. She said that my apology just turned it on her, saying that she misinterpreted everything and that it was all her fault. My message said I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable I never want to do that. I think you're awesome and if you ever want assistance or advice, I will gladly help, but you don't owe me anything. And regarding that trip, of course it's an us decision and not me "allowing" you to come with, I respect you a lot.

 

After telling her where I was coming from multiple times she finally accepted my apology. I don't get what was going on with her or why she thinks she can treat me like that.

 

She was taking what I said super negatively. She was taking the vacation comment as "you better be good or else I won't take you" and the study help situation as "I'll only help me if you act just like this", neither of which were true. Both were jokes that I explained to her.

 

The convo ended okay, she was laughing at what I was saying and asking me about my day, saying we should continue to have conversations like this as we continue our relationship. She thanked me for caring enough to talk, I said I care about her a lot and am always willing to talk.

 

I think you're right that she has some major trust issues that continue to rear their head. It may be too much to put up with, we'll see how it is when I get back from my vacation next week (if things don't fall apart before then)

[ravfour4]

She also said she'd work on trying to bring up issues when they happen. One of these was a month ago and the other was 2 days ago...yet she was mad today after being all friendly yesterday.

 

I'm so jaded from my previous relationship that it's been difficult to have reliable expectations with this woman. I question myself often when I used to be so sure of what was right and what was acceptable before. I was also very sure of my ability to read women - after the massive betrayal I encountered I now question a lot.

 

It's like...the "ill help you but you'll owe me ;)" was supposed to be a sexual tease, not an overbearing control and dependency tactic. I'm sure I could find many women who would understand that, but this one intrigues me - she's confusing, challenges me often and has way different issues than my previous gfs. Why I always find myself with women with "issues" is another story.

 

What's most concerning is this has happened twice - before I left she brought up our communication differences (out of nowhere) and now she's bringing up these random issues (out of nowhere). It seems like she's looking for reasons to end us, yet when I talk she treats these arguments like necessary and expected steps of a new relationship. It's perplexing.

Edited November 18, 2015 by ravfour4

[Riptide91]

Woman are perplexing my friend, haha. But I do know where you're coming from, my girlfriend now can be that way sometimes. She has even said sometimes she likes to fight because it makes the relationship seem more real and not just two people being fake to each other. I think she was joking for the most part but I may have thrown a makeup sex joke in after she said that ha! Anyways, if you like her enough to keep pursuing her then it may be worth it and eventually some of her walls may come down. Just don't get yourself into something that's unhealthy.

[ravfour4]

The Finale

 

I get back from my week long vacation, after her being super mad at me for two innocent things I said she was a bit warmer the rest of the week, but not much. On my drive home I called her and she sounded like she didn't want to talk to me (despite telling me to call her if I was bored). Her texts were colder than usual, things weren't looking good.

 

I drive back a day early to see her since I felt like things were off, I get back, we meet up and she's very lukewarm, not the usual so happy to see you after a week! We hug and she says she missed me, we snuggle and she said she missed it, I sleep over for a few hours but I feel like things are off and go home to let my dog out. I tell her to text me today.

 

Wake up and text her, she's up and studying, I ask if she could use company she says sure. I drive to meet her at a nearby coffee shop, we end up meeting at her house.

 

I ask her if we can talk about something and I question her coldness and why she got so mad last week. She keeps saying little things I do are controlling - like making her a plate for dinner (I was just being polite rather than "serve yourself"), she's grabbing for strings. I tell her based on what she's saying it sounds like she doesn't like me at all, I tell her I like her and I think we can work through this (her thinking my normal statements are super controlling). After some silence, she doesn't think she can.

 

I give her a hug goodbye, she won't let go, starts rubbing me sexually and let's down her guard (finally!!!). Then she asks if I'm down for break up sex....I'm caught off guard but say sure. We have sex multiple times, she's super passionate calling me baby and acting like someone who really likes me. Afterwards she confirms we're broken up, I tell her I don't really want this (perhaps I do though) and to let me know if she changes her mind and leave.

 

checked her online profile and she was on 5 days ago...same day she was super rude to me on my trip. A part of me is glad it's over with, it was stressful and she had traits I didn't think I could live with for. The other part of me hates being alone again and hopes she reaches out, I'll be going NC (already removed on FB and snap)

[allez102]

The Finale

 

I get back from my week long vacation, after her being super mad at me for two innocent things I said she was a bit warmer the rest of the week, but not much. On my drive home I called her and she sounded like she didn't want to talk to me (despite telling me to call her if I was bored). Her texts were colder than usual, things weren't looking good.

 

I drive back a day early to see her since I felt like things were off, I get back, we meet up and she's very lukewarm, not the usual so happy to see you after a week! We hug and she says she missed me, we snuggle and she said she missed it, I sleep over for a few hours but I feel like things are off and go home to let my dog out. I tell her to text me today.

 

Wake up and text her, she's up and studying, I ask if she could use company she says sure. I drive to meet her at a nearby coffee shop, we end up meeting at her house.

 

I ask her if we can talk about something and I question her coldness and why she got so mad last week. She keeps saying little things I do are controlling - like making her a plate for dinner (I was just being polite rather than "serve yourself"), she's grabbing for strings. I tell her based on what she's saying it sounds like she doesn't like me at all, I tell her I like her and I think we can work through this (her thinking my normal statements are super controlling). After some silence, she doesn't think she can.

 

I give her a hug goodbye, she won't let go, starts rubbing me sexually and let's down her guard (finally!!!). Then she asks if I'm down for break up sex....I'm caught off guard but say sure. We have sex multiple times, she's super passionate calling me baby and acting like someone who really likes me. Afterwards she confirms we're broken up, I tell her I don't really want this (perhaps I do though) and to let me know if she changes her mind and leave.

 

checked her online profile and she was on 5 days ago...same day she was super rude to me on my trip. A part of me is glad it's over with, it was stressful and she had traits I didn't think I could live with for. The other part of me hates being alone again and hopes she reaches out, I'll be going NC (already removed on FB and snap)

 

Sorry to hear this, ravfour4.

 

I'm not familiar with your previous break-up but have been watching this thread. None of us here will 100% know what is/was going on in her head, but I think it's reasonable to say that your insecurities will continue to cause bother in future relationships unless you can address them. You said in one post "it's like she's looking for reasons for this relationship to end" and yet that's how you come across throughout this whole thread, e.g. constantly over-analysing and worrying about things she was saying and doing. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

From a girl's perspective, had I been the girl in this scenario, your behaviour would have driven me away much earlier. It's ironic that the thread title here is about "playing it cool" when the reality was absolutely the opposite for you.

 

It sounds like you have some significant trust issues and until you can sort them out, maybe dating isn't the best way forward. The tricky part is figuring out how to overcome your insecurities. I know it sounds drastic, but could counselling help?

[ravfour4]

I appreciate the reply.

 

I agree that I need a lot of reassurance in relationships, I only realized this recently as my previous two serious relationships gave me that constantly, so I knew nothing else. I was working on relaxing, but I had a gut feel that things were going awry with me and this girl, she was not acting like she was interested in me.

 

Most people on here were telling me to just relax, but compared to how she was a few weeks before (more texts, smiley faces, saying she's worried about encroaching on my space etc.) she was being distant. You all and her convinced me that it's just how she is, but it wasn't, she wasn't that way before and women act differently when they're really interested. Right when I was getting so uncomfortable that I was considering ending things we'd meet in person and it would be great, so I'd say "she must be telling the truth, her texts aren't reflective of her feelings" and would try to relax. But her texts were indicative of her feelings, they got colder and colder and eventually led to this.

 

Perhaps my fear of her disinterest was evident and eventually drove her to be disinterested, or perhaps she really wasn't that interested. I was uncomfortable most of the relationship because I felt like I couldn't be myself and that she was super unpredictable. One day I'd say something and she'd love it and tell me she misses me. The next day I'd say the same thing and she'd ignore it.

 

A week ago she was saying she missed me, the next day she brought up 5 things I said weeks before and called me controlling, it came out of nowhere I don't know what happened or what I did to trigger that.

 

As soon as she broke up with me she acted like she was super interested, why make out with me passionately and call me baby!? That's what I wanted her to do yesterday when I first got to her place, I really missed her and was excited to see her

 

Just realized we had unprotected sex...if she gets pregnant...Fml.

Edited November 22, 2015 by ravfour4

[ravfour4]

She just asked if I still want to help her with her class, saying she knows it's a stretch to ask and understands if I don't.

 

Wtf?? Who makes fun of someone for offering to help multiple times, breaks up with them, has sex, reminds them they're broken up, then asks for help an hour later?

 

Advice please. Either she's evil and instantly wants to friend zone me or selfishly use my intelligence or she's regretting her decision. Going over to help seems like I'd be a huge doormat.

 

Probably should ignore whether I want her back or not.

Edited November 22, 2015 by ravfour4

[allez102]

But her texts were indicative of her feelings, they got colder and colder and eventually led to this.

 

Generally speaking, if i'm losing interest in someone my texts normally reflect this. This is because I think many girls find it more difficult to be assertive and dump someone, and so try to convey their disinterest through texts instead and hope the other person picks up on the signals. Of course, I can't speak for all women but that's the case for me anyway.

 

Perhaps my fear of her disinterest was evident and eventually drove her to be disinterested, or perhaps she really wasn't that interested.

 

It could be either or of these. Or perhaps even both of them!

 

As soon as she broke up with me she acted like she was super interested, why make out with me passionately and call me baby!? That's what I wanted her to do yesterday when I first got to her place, I really missed her and was excited to see her Just realized we had unprotected sex...if she gets pregnant...Fml.

 

What was going through your head when you agreed to have break-up sex with her? That was pretty mean of her really, she knows how much you like her and she capitalised on your vulnerability at that point. But it takes two to tango.. and the unprotected bit, well that was pretty silly! Were you hoping she would fall in love with you if you agreed to have sex with her? The whole being passionate and calling you baby.. maybe she got off on that and knowing she was in control at that point?

[allez102]

She just asked if I still want to help her with her class, saying she knows it's a stretch to ask and understands if I don't.

 

Wtf?? Who makes fun of someone for offering to help multiple times, breaks up with them, has sex, reminds them they're broken up, then asks for help an hour later?

 

Advice please. Either she's evil and instantly wants to friend zone me or selfishly use my intelligence or she's regretting her decision. Going over to help seems like I'd be a huge doormat.

 

Probably should ignore whether I want her back or not.

 

OK, breathe, don't panic. Think about this logically. This is all a game to her now. She's seen how easy it was for her to have sex with you (even though she'd just broken up with you), so now she's seeing how far she can push you. Not because she likes you, (don't misread this for her wanting you back), she's doing this because of issues she must have, perhaps with control or with her own self-esteem. I doubt she genuinely needs help from you with her class, she's just interested in seeing your response more than anything.

 

In other words, OP, she is taking the p*ss. Stop contact and do it now. Don't reply to her text. There is loads of useful information on this forum about how to do No Contact and how to do it properly. The sooner you move on from this, the better. You seem like a nice guy and i'm sure there's a nicer girl for you out there.

[ravfour4]

I agree, while my overwillingness to be kind and giving may have come off as controlling, her examples just don't seem reasonable to me, which leads me to believe that she has more of an issue with being controlled than me having an issue with controlling (not saying that I'm not a bit controlling, I am). The past week or so I've felt super controlled by her, I have to act exactly as she likes and use the exact right words or she'd get mad. It got worse and worse the closer we got.

 

I was a huge doormat with my ex and refuse to do the same again, thankfully I'm not NEARLY as invested which makes doing the right thing a lot easier.

 

Here's why I agreed to break- up sex: I told her we could work through this, she thought hard and said she couldn't keep up her end of the bargain, had issues to work through and didn't want to end up hurting me or wasting my time. I asked if she was sure, she said no, looked like she was about to cry and came and hugged me. Then she started kissing me, literally more than ever, and let her shield down. I felt connected for the first time in a week + and right before we were about to have sex she said "how do you feel about break up sex?". I said I'm fine with it because 1) I wanted to have sex with her badly, we had great sex before I left on vacation and hadn't since 2) it didn't make sense that she was being so passionate, I sort of thought she was kidding. She was more giving then ever, even asked me what my fantasy was saying she'd do anything. I couldn't even finish the last few times, the break up was consuming my mind.

 

Then she called me baby and after confirming that was break up sex, she cuddled up with me. I laughed like "wtf" and she said and this is break up cuddling, then I was about to leave and she made me wait for her to take a shower, gave me my stuff back and gave me a big kiss before I left - which I also was like wtf? about.

 

She was acting the way I had always wanted her to....now that we were broken up and she got rid of this pressure she felt.

 

About the class, it's her worst topic and one of my best subjects. I offered to help her on a few occasions, she got all weird about it and eventually thought I was super controlling for saying "alright I'll gladly help you but you'll owe me one " on the phone. Since then when I offer to help it's super awkward and today she made fun of me for offering often. She's just been mean lately

Edited November 22, 2015 by ravfour4

[allez102]

I agree, while my overwillingness to be kind and giving may have come off as controlling, her examples just don't seem reasonable to me, which leads me to believe that she has more of an issue with being controlled than me having an issue with controlling (not saying that I'm not a bit controlling, I am). The past week or so I've felt super controlled by her, I have to act exactly as she likes and use the exact right words or she'd get mad. It got worse and worse the closer we got.

 

Right. People with issues such as a control issues will often deflect them on someone else (i.e. you) as a coping mechanism, making you doubt yourself unnecessarily.

 

Here's why I agreed to break- up sex: I told her we could work through this, she thought hard and said she couldn't keep up her end of the bargain, had issues to work through and didn't want to end up hurting me or wasting my time. I asked if she was sure, she said no, looked like she was about to cry and came and hugged me. Then she started kissing me, literally more than ever, and let her shield down. I felt connected for the first time in a week + and right before we were about to have sex she said "how do you feel about break up sex?". I said I'm fine with it because 1) I wanted to have sex with her badly, we had great sex before I left on vacation and hadn't since 2) it didn't make sense that she was being so passionate, I sort of thought she was kidding. She was more giving then ever, even asked me what my fantasy was saying she'd do anything. I couldn't even finish the last few times, the break up was consuming my mind.

 

This was her having her cake and eating it, basically. There are so many reasons as to why she 'let her shield down' - being in so much control could have turned her on, or she could have just been really turned on for other reasons, etc etc. To be fair to her though, she did explicitly state it was break-up sex before you did the deed so I think it would be unfair to think she was misleading you at this point! Asking for break-up sex is never a joke, lesson learnt!

 

About the class, it's her worst topic and one of my best subjects. I offered to help her on a few occasions, she got all weird about it and eventually thought I was super controlling for saying "alright I'll gladly help you but you'll owe me one " on the phone. Since then when I offer to help it's super awkward and today she made fun of me for offering often. She's just been mean lately

 

Again, her deflecting control issues onto you.

 

What strikes me as most concerning at the moment is you're almost talking as if you're both still dating... "today she made fun of me..", "she's just been mean lately", really? This sounds like something you need to get out of fast, OP. She sounds like trouble. Can't you just block her/remove her before things get messier?

[ravfour4]

You're right, I guess her ridiculous text about helping her with the class, the passionate sex and her saying she was unsure made me think she's still on the hook. I wouldn't be surprised if she texted me again tomorrow when we normally do yoga. Perhaps she'll realize how great I really was to her and what an ass she just was and that she passed up a great guy because of her own issues.

 

But to be bluntly honest, I was in a terrible state when I first met her. I never thought she was a rebound, but it did really help me get out of that rut. There were numerous occasions where these incompatibilities and her misinterpretation of my words/actions popped up, but the thought of going back to being single...and potentially to that rut, was scary.

 

The good times were good and were getting better, I thought she'd let her guard down eventually and that the good times would overwhelm the rest, but the opposite happened. The closer we got, the more fearful or distant she seemed and these issues were exacerbated.

 

I have an urge to go back or for her to want me again, but I was stressed almost that entire relationship. I should just view it as a small stepping stone on the road to a much brighter future with a less confusing and more similar to me woman.

 

Oh and I don't plan to respond unless I get a huge apology. I've been chatting up a few other women this past week (and they all text me immediately and seem way more interested) so I'll hangout with them and get back in the swing of things. Maybe I'd respond to a booty call from this girl, but idk. I feel emotionless about her at the moment and in control given her ridiculous text

[ravfour4]

Another text: " ok I'm sorry". Not sure if it was meant as a response to my lack of response or an isolated text.

Edited November 22, 2015 by ravfour4

[ravfour4]

Update:

 

She texted again last night, a long winded apology for us not working and hurting me, thanking me for letting her get to know me (even though she was constantly hassling me about saying "can" or "let" before saying they were controlling, "you don't let me do that...I just do it").

 

I replied this afternoon saying it was nice getting to know her to, thanking her for some things I now enjoy that she introduced me to, told her I thought our issues were resolvable and then we could be stronger individually and together if we worked through them - to tell me if she was interested in that, otherwise to enjoy her night.

 

Now I'm done. Although a small part of me is considering her as a FWB. It was the companionship and intimacy I valued more than the emotional connection.

 

Reflection

 

Upon re-reading my whole thread, I think my gut instinct before was right. I'm sure I was over analyzing a bit, I always do, but what I thought was disinterest was. She just lied and said everything was fine and faked it wanting us to work, but eventually she couldn't do it anymore and the thoughts I was reading from her texts came out in real life. Perhaps my actions created a self fulfilling prophecy, but I think she was misinterpreting my actions through a fear of being controlled and that there was nothing I could do. She kept telling me how she hasn't really dated anyone since her last serious ex and I get the impression she's super scared of investing emotions in someone in fear of getting hurt, I think she sabotaged this a bit.

 

We also just weren't very compatible. I'm a bit full of myself in real life, confident that I can do very well at anything I put my mind to, she found that sexy but also hated it (which I hated). I like to joke around a lot and give people **** and she didn't like that and we had completely opposite relationship styles and tastes in music. I enjoy texting as I think sometimes it's easier to explain something concisely that way, she did not. I never thought I'd marry her, but I thought we'd go farther than this.

 

This is my 3rd real break up and I learn the same lesson every time: trust yourself and your instincts. Logically I really should have ended this a month ago, instead I pushed it to an exclusive thing because I feared being alone again, I enjoyed her company and thought we could make it work.

Edited November 24, 2015 by ravfour4

[ravfour4]

Update:

After sending that last text I went NC for ~3 weeks. Today is her birthday, I hadn't planned on saying happy birthday and was convinced she had found someone before breaking up with me who she was likely happy with. She was an ass to me those last few days when I was nothing but nice.

 

My mentality was that I'd do my own thing and if whatever she was doing didn't work out and she contacted me, I'd evaluate what to do then. I've been on 2 dates since then and have 2 more this week, I'm sincerely excited to meet these women and have a fun time. Confidence is back where it should be.

 

Nonetheless, I had blocked her on the dating website I met her on but I checked it yesterday and she was recently on. Figured she may still be single and sent her a "hi, happy birthday" text. Tried to make it a bit short/rude to try to counteract the neediness I accidentally showed in the relationship, acknowledging she very well may ignore it or roll her eyes.

 

I got an instant "thanks!!" back - aka an I don't want to be rude and not respond so I'll say thanks. Note to all dumpees, they're right when they say don't wish them a happy bday