Author ravfour4 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 Nah, I agree with you. It's becoming frustrating and while at first I thought the difference from previous relationships would be nice, it's just annoying right now. I'm trying to have fun, make out and get crazy. Not sit around all silent and cuddling without knowing what the hell she's thinking because she's not as outwardly intimidate or outgoing with her feelings.
Author ravfour4 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 So we ended up hanging out a ton since my last post (she was living with me all week but was busy at the start). We got into a couple small arguements that revealed some insecurities on her part, which is why I think she was acting distant before. For example, she thought I was purposefully avoiding having her meet my friends, but in reality the one time that happened I left my friends to be with her because I didn't think she wanted to come. Anyways, after talking through it we got a lot closer, finally hooked up all the way and said we'd be exclusive. Today she goes back to her old place, I should be confident in what we are now but I'm a tad skeptical/anxious. She's been much more forward about her feelings for me now that I cleared up the air on a few incidents that made her think I didn't care very much.
Author ravfour4 Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 I'm back and confused again. First off, I understand this partially has to do with my neediness and need to be reassured that someone likes me often. She left my place on Monday after having (unprotected) sex for the first time on Sunday and after saying we'd be exclusive. She came to visit me at work yesterday and we kissed when she got here and when she left. She texted me nice things when she got home and before going to bed. Im the type who enjoys the good night and morning texts everyday, but she doesn't seem to be the type who like that. Today, I send her a few snaps around noon, one a costume idea for a party she invited me to this weekend and another a recipe we should make - she viewed them instantly but has yet to say a word to me all day. When this happens, I wonder why she hasn't had the desire to contact me all day, I get concerned and start detaching. I just want consistency - which is the same thing I said about my ex situation. Do some girls just not like texting much? Everything besides her text frequency points to her being obsessed with me. The texting points to her not really caring much and potentially pursuing other options. One of 2 things is going on: 1) this is just how she is and I'll have to decide if I'm okay with that 2) she's hiding something or being deceptive, whether that's someone else or her fear of liking me too much
kismetkismet Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Not everyone texts all day every day... You are expecting way too much too soon. Personally I don't like the goodnight, good morning texts or really see the point of them. And snap chats aren't always just directed at one person, and the point of snapchat is that it doesn't require a response. If you want a response right away from a specific person you should just text them the photo. And it's so soon in the relationship to be expecting that much contact! I definitely like to check in at least once a day, and sometimes will chat throughout if there is something to talk about. But if i'm too busy, or if nothing out of the ordinary happens sometimes it can be pretty brief.
kismetkismet Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 One thing i should say though.. is that everyone has different levels of need for contact and consistency. It kind of seems like the two of you have different emotional needs. I tried to date someone that had different emotional needs than me - shut down during stress, needed less contact than me, was less emotionally expressive etc. I thought we could make it work because he was great and i know he did love me, but I was anxious and miserable all the time. Eventually I broke up up with him. He was devastated, so it's not like the level of interest in the relationship was different... just our emotional needs and the ways we expressed ourselves were so different that we couldn't make it work. So while I said above that you are expecting too much, I think it's important to find someone who has at least quite similar needs as you. I tried to get used to it and couldn't. And in the long run i probably hurt him more by staying with him for as long as i did even though I was unhappy. Chill out a bit, because i do think that expecting to talk all throughout the day is unreasonable for busy adults, but i think you should also consider whether or not you think the two of you will eventually find middle ground.
travelbug1996 Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 No offense but you seem like the girl in this situation. I mean always needing her to chase, initiate, good morning texts etc. That would turn me off. Most women want a man that is confident in his ability to go after what he wants. Take the lead for Christs sake. Man up.
abby_tx Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 whoa this whole thread made me go crazy. you live so much in your head. this is borderline obsessive.
Author ravfour4 Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 @kismet - totally agree, although I'm not asking for her to text me a ton, I just want her to show some interest each day instead of no interest one day and then a ton of interest the next 2. Its unnecessarily confusing, one day she texts me 5 times in a row, the next she takes 8 hours to respond - yet we're supposedly exclusive and she has referred to me as her boyfriend. In all my prior relationships the girls made it obvious how much they liked me every time I saw them. It's what I'm used to. It's what I thought it was always like. I was open to trying something different but I'm not sure it will work out or that I can consistently trust someone who fluctuates often and who retracts when stressed. @travel - I am setting the lead, I text her whenever, initiate physical intimacy and she's super receptive to all of it. She's just far less outwardly emotional compared to all previous women I've been with. It appears as if she doesn't like me when she acts that way because with my ex's, that's exactly what it would have meant. I don't need good morning texts either, I'm just used to a flow or communication - a few texts throughout the day to stay in touch.
Author ravfour4 Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 Hey all, Been seeing a girl for a few months now after a 4 year relationship ended miserably, in some ways she's very similar to my ex and in others the exact opposite. One of the ways she is different is that she doesn't text often and isn't needy, but I find her very hard to read via text and I sometimes misinterpret her non-neediness as disinterest. For example, I'll ask her to do something and she may ignore that question but answer my other questions, then an hour later she texts me 5 times in a row wanting to hangout, suggesting things to do. She'll have these moments where she appears to have gone cold, followed by extreme warmth. I used to panic when this happened (oh no, she ditched out like my ex), but now it's a predictable pattern. 2-3 weeks ago we said we were exclusive and talked about it again a week or so ago, she said she wants me to trust her fully. We've hung out 3-4 times a week for the past month, prob 2-3 times a week before that. We've been fully intimidate multiple times (but sometimes when we hangout we don't at all, this concerns me when it happens) and she wants me to go to Travel abroad with her for a friends wedding. I've met multiple members of her family and her best friends, her mom, dad and sis know about me. She calls me her bf to her friends and She rarely if ever looks at her phone when she's with me and she really wants to meet my friends. Without everything above being true, one could reason that when she's distant via text she could be dating around and seeing others - but given the above paragraph is true, it seems to imply she just doesn't like texting (which she's admitted) and I have nothing to worry about. It just perplexes me when she ignores a text such as "want me to give you a massage tonight?", only to want to badly hangout a few hours later. Agree? Disagree?
Author ravfour4 Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 Put another way, her texting self is not very representative of her real self and is often hard to interpret or seemingly cold. Very matter-of-fact.
Riptide91 Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 I remember reading your break up post as I was going through the same thing at that time as well. Anyways, I wanted to tell you that you are not alone as the was you describe your girlfriend is exactly how my new one is as well. I still get the feeling sometimes that she is becoming disinterested in our relationship and then the next thing I know she's telling me how happy she is now with me etc. etc. I think the whole texting dilemma is hard because our generation, I think you're about my age (mid 20's), uses it as a common form of communication. While I don't mind talking on the phone and video chatting, my schedule is tough sometimes. My girlfriend absolutely despises texting and would rather call me every few hours or at least in the morning and at night. She has been better about texting with me then any of her other past relationships. I'm not sure why women do the hot and cold technique as it's rather confusing to us guys, I think it may be a defense mechanism as my girlfriend had some pretty terrible relationships in the past. Maybe yours has her walls up?
Author ravfour4 Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 Hey Riptide, I remember you commenting on my (in retrospect) pitiful thread haha. The thing with this girl is, she only texts me when she wants to hangout, which is almost everyday. When we meet in person, she asks me about my day and about anything I mentioned via text, but she doesn't seem to enjoy actually having a conversation via text, which compared to my ex gfs, makes me think she doesn't care about me when we're apart. For example, when I texted her about something and also asked if we could massage each other later - she answered my first question and then said "I miss you a little....". Her tentative way of saying I miss you, I texted her something similar a few weeks ago when I wanted to meet up. Where's the yes or no?! lol if you miss me come get this massage. I think it's a combo of her reaction to stress + being tentative about past relationships. When wasted one night I told her about my slight trust issues and told her she could trust me completely and that I wouldn't hurt her. She was like "yeah yeah you can't promise that though, everyone says that". I'm trying to create a very secure environment for her in which she can trust me, but it'd be easier for me if she opened up, it's getting better and better, but sometimes she seems super nervous around me still and the level of comfort she has around me goes down. Then a few minutes later she opens up again and is talking about doing all kinds of things together. I need to find what triggers her distance
Riptide91 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I've learned with my girl that if we are together she is so much warmer and shows how into the relationship she is. But when we're apart she seems to stay more boxed up matter of fact. Ours is probably a little different because we're doing long distance right now. Sometimes women feel themselves getting too close or becoming too dependent on the relationship to be happy and back off as a defensive move. There are times when my girlfriend and I are together and she constantly asks if she's being too needy or if she's bothering me, which of course she isn't. Does she ever talk about how her ex's have hurt her or how she has a ruined sense of trust? Your best bet is to let her break down her own walls at her pace. Try not to read into the whole texting thing so much, you're just making yourself anxious. Let things progress and eventually you'll become accustomed to this relationship and the whole minimal texting or she'll open up and text you non stop.
Author ravfour4 Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 (edited) She has had trust issues and often asks me if she's encroaching on my space or if we're moving too fast. I always tell her she's not and ask her if she feels I am, she says not at all. I met her and one of her good guy friends for a drink last weekend, her guy friend told me she really likes me, that he's never seen her act like this around anyone before, that she's awkward around people she really likes and doesn't know how to act around me and is weird about titles. That night after a few drinks is when we talked about some of this and I told her, if one side of the spectrum is super distant and the other is needy, you can move more towards the needy, you don't have to be scared of scaring me away, I really like hanging out with you. We had an amazing weekend after that full of lots of laughing and intimacy. Now back in the work week she's all stressed and very well may be having an "oh ****, I've been spending all my time with him and now I'm behind in work, what am I doing?!" moment. That being said, I've let her set the pace so far, she's the one asking to hangout most days even though she has work she should be doing. I've been telling her to focus on work and do what she needs to do, offering to help anyway I can (whether that's helping with the work itself or helping her unwind afterwards). I guess my statement above once again makes it obvious she likes me, the distant texting just messes with my mind. Example: A few hours ago she told me she had to get some work done tonight, I said "Aw ok, well if you need a break or get done early, come over!" What I'm used to: "Ok! I will I miss you" or "Aw, I wish I could but I think I'll be busy most of the night, tomorrow?!" Or "Ok! I'll let you know!" What I get: Hours of silence followed by "want to come over? Or I can come there? Or we can meet at the bar?!". Edited November 6, 2015 by ravfour4
Riptide91 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 At least you are getting a response that shows she is thinking about you/wants to be around you. You're trying to compare this relationship to your last one or ones before where your ex texted immediately. This girl isn't her and never will be, you need to decide if her mannerisms are really going to keep bothering you or if you can learn to adjust. Even if it takes her some time to text back at least she is responding positively. I think you should honestly take the whole texting problem off the pedestal and just roll with it. It seems to me she likes you, she's just not what you're used to.
Simon Phoenix Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I saw you post in another thread, got curious and found this one. Boy am I glad you finally woke up and stopped playing around with your ex. Second of all, you need to ask yourself one thing -- would you rather she act awesome when she's physically with you and not text you much or would you rather she text you a lot and be more reserved when she's with you? I'm a bit older, so lack of texting doesn't bother me in the least. If anything, answering texts all day kind of annoys me. I'd rather hang out in person than do that. But obviously you're different, and your age is a big part of that. You just have to ask you whether her lack of texting is a dealbreaker or not. If it's that important to you, then maybe you aren't compatible. If it's something you can work with, then work on not being as needy for constant communication. But no matter what you do, you need to R-E-L-A-X and slow your roll. It's obvious she likes you, so stop sweating everything. And you might need to slow the speed of this, if just a little bit, before you burn each other out. Have a boys' night out every once in a while. A little bit of space can go a long way. But either way, chill out and stop overanalyzing everything. That was your problem before and that's why you kept falling into a destructive pattern with your ex. Focus on the big picture -- this girl likes you and you like her.
Author ravfour4 Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 Long time no see. Things are much brighter nowadays and I was literally just sitting here thinking essentially what you said - you know she likes you dude, this is your test, just chill out, relax and slow it down a bit. At the same time, this difference in the way we react to stress and express ourselves could end up being a deal breaker down the line. And an FYI on the finale of my old story, ex texted me every week for a month or so asking to see my dog. Never responded and it felt so good. I guess NC was a good idea after all
Simon Phoenix Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Deal with down the line when down the line happens. You're at the beginning of the line.
Author ravfour4 Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 Good point. She didn't text me much at all last night, but when I asked her if she was still working I got a "I'm done for now, going to bed, sweet dreams xo". I get anxious when I don't know when I'll see her next, right now we have no plans and I hoped to see her last night since we're both busy this weekend. I asked her a few days ago to go to a show w my friend and I tonight since she sort of made a big deal about not meeting any of my friends a few weeks ago, but she said no, she was feeling sick and needed to recover but Said I should go. She's sort of turned down/dodged the last 4 times I asked to hangout. Before that we hung out for 5 days nonstop and started planning a trip abroad. I guess there's a 90% chance things are good and my inner insecurities are getting the best of me, but I feel super jaded because of my ex, in a way I'm just waiting for things to go sour and for her to ditch me. I try to squash that thought anytime I have it, but when gets distant, it rears its ugly head.
Author ravfour4 Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 Still no response 9 hours later to my "good morning! I feel like we haven't seen each other in forever :/ have a great day" text. Maybe I scared her away, somehow...even though yesterday she was saying she missed me and talked about hangin out in a few weeks.
Simon Phoenix Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Still no response 9 hours later to my "good morning! I feel like we haven't seen each other in forever :/ have a great day" text. Maybe I scared her away, somehow...even though yesterday she was saying she missed me and talked about hangin out in a few weeks. Chill with the texting. How about trying to call her on the phone if you want to talk? What's the point of a good morning text anyway? I think it's clear she's not a texter, so don't force it. Either way, R-E-L-A-X.
Author ravfour4 Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 Finally responded like 12 hours later saying "I know!!! happy Fri! I'm all done with work"....the usual "ignore" to super warm. I waited 5 min then called her, she answered, said her phone was about to die and she'd call me when she got home in 10 min. It's been like 40 now, maybe she's just not very reliable. Working on the relaxing Simon.
Riptide91 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 (edited) Look it's Simon, another familiar face when I though my ex was leaving me was the end of the world.. Boy was I wrong. Anyways, ravfour, I really think you're investing too much thought and feeling into this at this point. I think if you relax and just let things work themselves out you'll find that it's a lot easier. Maybe she isn't feeling well still and is trying to sleep, maybe she's caught up in traffic or had an emergency, who knows it could be anything. She'll call/text you if she wants to talk to you, you've made it clear you're interested and willing to talk whenever she is. Like I said, this girl is probably different then what you're used to, you make the choice to pursue or not. But I have a feeling if you try to contact her in ways she doesn't necessarily like often it will make her want to talk to you less. Just chill out and act calm, women like to be chased a bit but there's a fine line where it becomes too much. Edited November 7, 2015 by Riptide91 Stupid typos
Author ravfour4 Posted November 15, 2015 Author Posted November 15, 2015 She was her normal barely texting self the past few days before I left on vacation. I'm working on just accepting it and not worrying. Last weekend while hammered we casually talked about our differences in texting habits/expectations, I understood where she was coming from and told her I didn't want her to change for me at all. We had a great weekend full of intimacy and fun. We met up for a gym class on Monday and then she was texting me one word responses Wednesday before we were supposed to meet up. I took a chill pill and thought nothing of it, but while hanging out at her place she asks if she can tell me something. I brace myself for some pseudo break up before I leave on my week long vacation, she says "I think you're used to needy and dependent girls, and that you want me to be, well I don't think you want me to be, but you're used to it, and I'm not going to be that". I was confused, we had just talked about this last weekend and I had been giving her a lot of space all week, focusing on relaxing and caring less. Apparently she was more drunk than I that night and didn't remember it. I asked why she was bringing this up - was she worried we wouldn't work out? She instantly said no and got defensive, I reassured her I don't want her to be dependent or needy, that I like her just how she is. She said she just wanted to bring it up since we've been hanging out for a few months, reassured me how much she likes me and listed a long list of why she likes me. We cuddled, had some passionate sex (best yet) and she gave me a bag of goodies for my trip before I left. Now I'm gone for 10 days and I'm trying not to care that she's only texting me once or twice a day. I switch between "chill ravfour4, she likes you" and "these are warning signs, don't ignore them, run".
morgala Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 I switch between "chill ravfour4, she likes you" and "these are warning signs, don't ignore them, run". After reading the whole thread, I just want to offer my two cents. Your girl sounds a LOT like me. I shut down when I'm stressed. Heck, I want NO ONE around me when I'm stressed. This can go on for days. It has nothing to do with my feelings towards someone else. Yes, I've alienated myself in several friendships and relationships due to this behavior. I've considered counseling, but I haven't taken that step yet. I also despise texting. I know it's important to most people in our generation (I'm assuming you're in your twenties or thirties), so I do make an effort to send a message once or twice a day when in a relationship. For me, that's actually quite a bit. Even if I'm crazy about someone, I'm not going to go overboard with the messaging in any form. It makes me feel too needy and dependent, and I hate feeling that way. I'm also an introvert. Not sure if your girl is, but it's something you should consider. Again, the above is no reflection of how I feel about someone. If I like someone, I'll try to be around him physically or let him know I like him through my actions, such as by buying him small gifts. I don't think this girl dislikes you or wants to end things, but since your communication styles are different, and she's clearly causing you a lot of anxiety, you might want to end the relationship on that basis alone. You seem miserable, and no relationship is worth that kind of agony. She's not likely to change, so you need to decide if you can accept her as she is and learn to manage your own anxiety. Only you can make that decision, ultimately.
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