Author ravfour4 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 Thanks Yumm! I remember you reading my story before too, I appreciate your perspective. I mainly want to know if I should keep playing it cool because she needs space and time for the attraction to grow or if she already likes me a lot and wants me to be more forward/flirty because she's scared of liking me and needs reassurance. I want to ask something like "so you still scared of liking me?" at the right moment to bring us a bit closer and solidify the bond a bit more - but I won't rush it.
Author ravfour4 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 Update: I'm just gonna be myself and not worry about this so much. All the signs point to her liking me so I see no need to walk on egg shells or be worried about texting her too much/too little. I'll just be confident, assume she likes me and be myself.
d0nnivain Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 You do need to be confident. Never let her find out that you have these bouts of lunacy where you wonder if she's out with another guy every time she's not with you. Post them here all you want but keep that particular anxiety away from her How was the movie?
Author ravfour4 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 Haha I definitely won't let her know. The movie went well like I mentioned above, we grabbed a few drinks beforehand and she made a handful of comments implying we'd still be hanging out in the distant future. She also wanted to make plans for next week and the weekend after. Overall, you're right, most signs point to her really liking me. Something is making her a bit hesitant so I'm just trying to make her feel really comfortable around me. Sometimes she'll be really quiet and then say something really insightful about us, she gets quiet when she's thinking. During the movie I just held her and wanted her to know that I enjoyed her company a ton and didn't need to make out/fool around. I'm liking her more and more, but I realize most/all of this anxiety is within myself. I like to be reassured that someone likes me and is "mine". She's doing it, just in a very different and less obvious way than my ex. She's not texting me and saying "I had a great night with you, im so happy we met". But she is continually showing interest, talking about me to her friends and showing them pictures, talking about us hanging out in the future etc. We got close to full blown hooking up on Tues when she called me over, I've never been with such a respectable woman before. All others have given it up the first or second date. I like it and respect it, but I hope it happens eventually. She may be waiting until we're exclusive, which I'm ready to do, but I'm not sure we're ready to talk about it yet. I'll just go with the flow and try to calm my nerves.
Author ravfour4 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 The main thing I struggle with is not thinking about it so much. Since I really like her, her and us are on my mind often. It's hard for me to distract myself from it.
alphamale Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 It's hard for me to distract myself from it. watch some cartoons 1
Author ravfour4 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Posted October 9, 2015 Upon some introspection, i think I know where this anxiety is coming from. I had no trouble playing it cool w/ the new girl until 2 things happened at the same time - new girl told me she was really starting to like me after a make out session at like 2 AM and my ex (who I was finally starting to get over) texted me asking to see our dog. I think this re-brought up pain with the ex which made me want to go to the new girl to alleviate it. I now felt more reliant on the new girl for happiness - not good. Yesterday me and new girl texted briefly, I told her I was cooking up a tasty meal and she said "my phones gonna die and I don't have a charger but save me a piece!! :)" and then never said anything for the rest of the night. My ex would have texted me when she got home and in the morning, anxious attachment style - so I guess I just need to recalibrate my expectations. At the same time last night my ex texted me again about our dog, saying she really missed him. She's texted me 5 times over the last month and I haven't responded. I'm gonna play it cool and wait for new girl to text me today and then try to plan a meet up this weekend. Before my ex texted me it was easier to keep my distance and new girl always came back to ask to hangout, so I'll try to go back to that.
Author ravfour4 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Posted October 9, 2015 Still have yet to hear from her. Trying to calm my nerves.
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 9, 2015 Posted October 9, 2015 I wanted to grab you by the shoulders and shake you reading this haha! Dude, you've been seeing her a few weeks, been on countless dates, been intimate despite not going 'all the way'... it sounds like you like her, and want to be with her exclusively, so what's stopping you from talking to her about where it's going!? From my own perspective, bearing in mind I'm obviously not her, at this point after four/five weeks of regularly hanging it out, making it clear I'm nuts about you, you not trying to ask me to be exclusive would indicate to me that you're not as into me as I am you, and I might start to distance myself. She might be pulling back because she thinks you're not interested in having her as a girlfriend. You don't have to put heavy labels on right now, but you can agree to see each other exclusively and then if all is well in a couple weeks/months you can 'make it official' if that's what you want. But she's told you she's been burnt before by men talking to other women while dating her, she told you she really likes you, she initiates, perhaps she's just holding out on sex until she knows where you're going. Man up, take the lead, ask her where she sees this going, and make it clear you really like her and want you both to date only each other because you can see you two getting into a relationship in the near future. What do you have to lose? Either she'll be delighted and you'll both feel a lot more secure in progressing things, or she'll run a mile, in which case at least you know NOW she's not hugely into you. If she really likes you, she'll be happy to be exclusive, however short a time it has been. But to be fair it's been several weeks not one date. Generally when I've started dating someone it's only been a couple, few weeks before agreeing to get together and not see other people. When you see someone you really like, you want to get them off the dating market and see where you can go as a couple, right? The more a guy plays it cool the more I lose interest. Maybe she's the same?
Author ravfour4 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Posted October 9, 2015 (edited) Could be, but I'm trying to make it obvious how much I like her. I've been saying things like: "I'm starting to really like you" "We hung out a ton last weekend, I had so much fun and never got sick of you" "It seems like forever since we last saw each other and it's been 2 days" "I have a strong urge to kiss you right now" "I don't know how I'm going to sit still during this movie, I'm just going to want to kiss you" "You can tell me anything, don't worry" "Come on over whenever" I also told her I'm not taking to anyone else and she was caught off guard and was like "oh..uh...I haven't really been either" when that could have (and I wanted it to) lead to an exclusive talk. And I talk about things we should do in the future, like go on a trip, go out to a fancy seafood dinner, tour her around my work, play tennis etc. I've been scared to have the exclusive talk because it's not 100% obvious she likes me, she has these moments where she's a bit more distant. It could be her wondering what we are, it could be nothing or it could be her questioning us. I'm hoping she reaches out soon, I'm just waiting for that next intimate moment where we're lying in bed to ask what we are or to say how much I like her. I feel like it will happen very soon but I'm nervous! I play it cool via text because otherwise I'd be bombarding her lol in person in essentially all over her, but in a playful and non overbearing way that she clearly likes. Edited October 9, 2015 by ravfour4
Author ravfour4 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Posted October 9, 2015 The last thing she texted me was "my phones about to die and I don't have my charger! Save me some food! :)" I said "will do you're welcome to come have some whenever" at 7 last night. She prob went out w friends and went to bed early and she had to get up at 7 for work. Should I text her something nice? Or should I wait? I kind of want to say I miss you or something
Author ravfour4 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Posted October 9, 2015 (edited) I went for it: "hey! So when do you have to bartend tonight? I kinda miss you " She's shown she's liked me enough up until now and has invited me over at midnight to make out and talks about us hanging out in the distant future. She also seemed concerned that we'd both be busy this weekend and may not be able to see each other. Therefore, she shouldn't be taken aback by that text and if she is, then I know she was prob pulling away anyways. Edited October 9, 2015 by ravfour4
Author ravfour4 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Posted October 9, 2015 she finally responded with "4:30, idk how late..." great, well that didn't go like I expected, she does appear to be losing interest
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 10, 2015 Posted October 10, 2015 I've been scared to have the exclusive talk because it's not 100% obvious she likes me, she has these moments where she's a bit more distant. It could be her wondering what we are, it could be nothing or it could be her questioning us. I don't understand this mentality at all. What's more scary: a) having the exclusive talk and her telling you she doesn't like you enough, saving you from continuing to invest time and energy into her or b) you don't ask her, you eventually lose her because she gets bored of it going nowhere? How afraid of rejection are you? I'd have had this talk three weeks or a handful of dates after meeting so you're not wasting each other's time. Man up and go for what you want! Either you find out that it's not gonna happen and can move on or you get a new girlfriend. If a guy was saying all of that stuff to me 'I'm really falling for you' 'I kinda miss you' and talking about the future but didn't once actually try and pin me down to be your girlfriend or be exclusive with you, I'd wonder what kind of games you were playing with how many women and get bored and drift off too. Telling her you're not talking to anyone else is so ridiculously passive, you didn't even ask her to be exclusive you just threw out that you weren't, hoping she'd respond with the same, so passively. Again, afraid of rejection. You're overthinking everything about this. You meet someone, you like each other, that's evidenced by the fact you keep going out with each other, neither of you want to invest any time or emotions into someone who's also seeing others so you decide to be exclusive and become boyfriend/girlfriend there and then or a little way down the line. That's how the vast majority of relationships go. Newflash... you can't always guarantee a situation where the woman shows 100% of her true emotions to you while yours are still under wraps, meaning that you can ask her out 100% SURE she'll say yes. Life is about taking risks.
Author ravfour4 Posted October 10, 2015 Author Posted October 10, 2015 Had her meet up with me last night after a concert - I was fairly tipsy. Slept over at her place and went further than ever. Was too wasted to go all the way lol Had the exclusive talk this morning, we were talking about us and previous relationships and she said she's scared to commit. We talked more and made it clear that we like each other, not anyone else, and want to keep hanging out to see where this goes. She afraid of being a rebound for me, I ensured her she's not. I feel so much better. 1
Author ravfour4 Posted October 10, 2015 Author Posted October 10, 2015 She texted me after saying she's glad we talked about us and that she really likes hanging out with me and getting to know me. We both said we've never moved this slow before in a relationship but that we were both liking it. Shes already asking to hangout tonight and tomorrow
d0nnivain Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 Stop trying to talk about it with her. She said multiple times she's scared. Incessant talking about your relationship will kill it. I'm serious. be confident. Show her you care about her. Stop pushing for verbalizations. When you feel like you want to talk to her about where you are for the rest of this year, just kiss her instead. If she starts a conversation about the relationship, talk all you want but for now, hush. On New Year's Eve you can mention something about being happy to start the new year together. On Valentine's Day you can get all mushy & babble away to your hearts' content, but for now, you are gagged.
Author ravfour4 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 Still hanging out a lot, still going well. Finally broke the stranger barrier and feel comfortable around each other from the get go, kiss often, have done more intimately but still no sex. Really, I'm in no huge hurry because everything else we've been doing has been plenty satisfying. She's been aware of encroaching on my space and says "let me know if this is too much", but then she asked if she could stay at my place for a week while her floors are redone. I said yes and we're on day 1 - so far so good, last night we talked about our ex's and pasts a bit which was nice. Occasionally I still miss my ex, mainly when I'm feeling over consumed by the new girl, but at other times I feel ridiculously content and happy with the new girl. She asked what I would do if my ex came to me with some long apology, I said I'd never take her back, but it got me thinking.... I still acknowledge the awesome aspects of that relationship despite how evil and thoughtless she became and even though I know it won't work and those problems would only resurface. As this relationship evolves I'm finding myself compare each milestone to my last relationship - some things are much better, some things are worse.
Author ravfour4 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 And then things get weird.... She was late to work yesterday and apparently had a stressful day. I was looking forward to relaxing with her at my place, giving her a massage and making her feel better. She went to teach her yoga class and I asked if she was still going out for drinks afterwards (she had invited me earlier) - she said no, she was too tired after we stayed up so late. Then, her dog randomly peed on my floor and she left for yoga sayin "I'll let you know if I'm coming back or going to grab a drink" - odd considering she just said she wasn't. 30 min after her class she texts saying she's at a bar nearby, but it closes in 15 min, but I'm welcome to come. I ask where she's going after - nothing. Comes home (my place) an hour later, wants to smoke, grabs my arms and puts them around her and gives me a small kiss. Then, we're about to go to bed and she says she might sleep on the couch. I ask what's up and she says "idk, I've had a bad couple days and I just need space from everything, well not you, idk why I said that". I was caught off guard, put up a shield, didn't say much else or give her a hug good night or anything and went to bed. This morning she rubbed my back and sort of apologized, saying she needed that time alone after a stressful couple of days I said "ok, I just didn't know what was going on. If you just need some space I'm totally fine with that". She texted telling me to have a great day but i feel the need to put up a huge shield to protect myself. Is this normal? Is she realizing it was crazy to want to stay at my place for 5 days after only knowing me for a month? Or Maybe that's how she deals with stress and she was starting to feel consumed by me? Or is she just another sketchy flighty woman I should detach from?
Author ravfour4 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 Bump. Do I approach her about this or just ignore it? It made me feel uncomfortable and after an amazing Saturday and Monday night together, it was very unexpected. Especially since Monday night she said she feels like I really understand her needs
d0nnivain Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I think you have to talk about it. It seems awfully weird to me. Sleeping on your BF's couch after sleeping in his bed seems like a step backwards.
Author ravfour4 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 Yes, she did admit that she shuts down when stressed and she was very stressed Mon/Tues, both from things going on in her life (work, car troubles, cleaning her place) and I'm sure she was a bit nervous to temporarily move in with me. She's backed away like this slightly before and usually comes back harder each time, but to do this while living together and I'm taking care of her crazy dog just seemed rude and different than a random Tues apart. Maybe the friends she grabbed a drink with said something like "what!? You're living with that guy already for a week!? You're crazy", who knows. I was short/brief last night, this morning and via text. I'm waiting for her to apologize or explain, if she doesn't I'll approach the topic when I get home. This morning she said something like "sorry I really needed that last night" and I can imagine that she knew if she slept with me we'd mess around for hours, making her stay up late and then potentially be late for work again - but she could have just said that instead. Also, we're still in the "we're basically exclusive let's take things slow stage", I'm not her bf, if I was I would have approached this right away. Right when I'm about to get comfortable, she does something like this. It reminds me of the same **** my ex pulled, it's making me want to run.
Author ravfour4 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 She finally texted me back about her day, I told her about mine and asked if we were cool, saying I was still unsure about last night and wanted to know if I did anything to upset her since I thought we've been having a lot of fun lately. She said I didn't do anything, that she was just stressed and was sorry for taking it out on me. Like I said, I have seen her shut down when stressed (a unique response I haven't really seen in previous girlfriends, they usually ran to me right away when stressed) so it seems plausible. I'll be home in a few hours - she usually cuddles with me and kisses me so if she does that, I guess all is well and I've learned more about how she deals with stress. If she's distant, these next few days while she's still living with me are going to be hell.
Author ravfour4 Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 Had a nice night last night, we talked through it and she was appreciative that I brought up my concerns. We then went on a long walk holding hands and I mentioned that I had wondered if someone at dinner gave her crap about living at my place like "whaaat?! You've only known him for a month?!". She said that wasn't the case, but that her guy friend who she met when she first moved here a few years ago was asking her about it since he knew she hadn't dated since then. He asked if we were dating and she said yes. He asked if I was her bf and she said yeah I think so. I then joked and said "and then you came home and decided to sleep in the other room? Haha" - they seem contradictory but w/e she slept in my bed last night and cuddled w me for like an hour this morning and gave me a nice kiss good bye. I guess things are good?
boltam Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 If she's the type to shut down and get distant when she gets stressed out you can expect a lot more of this type of behavior. Since you're already insecure, her bouts of withdrawal are going to trigger you, then you'll shut down, and it's going to go back and forth. This is not going to be easy for either one of you. There's always the possibility that it will get better over time, but I'm thinking it won't. Hopefully I'm just being overly pessimistic. 2
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