Playing it cool w new romantic interest

October 2, 2015

Hey all,

I'm sure you remember my break-up story, if not, spare yourself and don't read it.

After finally stopping talking to my ex for over a month I've felt exponentially better and have met someone new. We've been talking and hanging out for about a month, she does the large majority of the chasing/inviting and things were going very well. We had made out multiple times, went on a few very fun dates and fooled around. I was hesitant at first, but i'm really starting to like her the more we hangout and the more she lets down her guard. My ex is actually still texting me, but I finally feel nothing towards her and have no desire to respond.

The last time we hung out (Tues), right before I left (about 1 AM) - she told me that she wants to spend all her free time with me, that she doesn't know what that means, she thinks it mean she really likes me and she's scared of that. I reassured her that I felt similarly, but since then she's pulled away a bit. I'm giving her space, but when I heard her say that I dropped my guard and allowed myself to really start liking her, but now I'm all anxious over the fact she's not asking me to hangout. We've planned to meet on Sat but I have this overwhelming desire to see her and have the "want to be exclusive?" Convo. Apparently she's been burnt in the past by other guys seeing multiple women at once so maybe she's just hesitant to discuss it with me and get hurt again

Any tips? She had me give her a wake up call this morning so things are prob fine and I'm just overthinking. I just expected her to want to hangout all the time after saying "I want to hangout with you all the time and idk if it's healthy"

October 2, 2015

Hey all,

I'm sure you remember my break-up story, if not, spare yourself and don't read it.

After finally stopping talking to my ex for over a month I've felt exponentially better and have met someone new. We've been talking and hanging out for about a month, she does the large majority of the chasing/inviting and things were going very well. We had made out multiple times, went on a few very fun dates and fooled around. I was hesitant at first, but i'm really starting to like her the more we hangout and the more she lets down her guard. My ex is actually still texting me, but I finally feel nothing towards her and have no desire to respond.

The last time we hung out (Tues), right before I left (about 1 AM) - she told me that she wants to spend all her free time with me, that she doesn't know what that means, she thinks it mean she really likes me and she's scared of that. I reassured her that I felt similarly, but since then she's pulled away a bit. I'm giving her space, but when I heard her say that I dropped my guard and allowed myself to really start liking her, but now I'm all anxious over the fact she's not asking me to hangout. We've planned to meet on Sat but I have this overwhelming desire to see her and have the "want to be exclusive?" Convo. Apparently she's been burnt in the past by other guys seeing multiple women at once so maybe she's just hesitant to discuss it with me and get hurt again

Any tips? She had me give her a wake up call this morning so things are prob fine and I'm just overthinking. I just expected her to want to hangout all the time after saying "I want to hangout with you all the time and idk if it's healthy"

"I want to hangout with you all the time and idk if it's healthy" -- She's right, it's not a good idea to spend so much time in the very beginning of a new dating scenario. It tends to smother one or both of them. She's kinda already feeling that since she has pulled away a little. Let her breathe. Keep in light touch with her and arrange a date once or twice a week at best for the next couple of weeks.

Talk a couple of times on the phone in between dates. Don't get into the habit of doing it all in texting. Give it some room and be patience. Manage your emotions and expectations.

October 2, 2015

Try to relax until Saturday. She explained she's scared of how attached she's getting so here space is a good thing. No need to overwhelm each other or dive into a 24/7 commitment so soon.

October 2, 2015

You need to chill on the amount of time at the start of a new relationship and let things flow naturally.

I am in a new relationship with someone and very conscious of smothering her (not that I do) so we are taking things cool and not over-seeing each other at the start. It's just part of the process and your brain needs time to adjust.

Chill brother.

October 6, 2015

Update: she ended up calling me Fri night to confirm our Sat plans. She came over at 10 AM and we hung out the entire day doing fun things, made dinner and she stayed until the following day around 5 PM. We had a great time, she slept over for the first time and our dogs met.

We kissed on and off throughout the whole day, took pictures together, held hands etc. but no making out really. She told me a lot more about herself and said she was happy she met me. She also often referenced hanging out again in the somewhat far out future, but I still can't get a good read on her.

She wants to hang out all the time, her friends know about me, she loves cuddling and let's me touch her pretty much anywhere, but she doesn't talk about us or her feelings really at all. And won't let things escalate past kissing/caressing. Then again, I don't really talk about "us" either, although at the peak of a great convo I told her I haven't really been talking to anyone else since we met. She was caught off guard a bit and said "I haven't really been either".

I Want things to move to the next level emotionally and physically and I can't quite pinpoint why she's reserved/tentative about it. I think I'm making it obvious that I like her without being overbearing at all. If she's talking to someone else and playing me, I want to detach.

October 6, 2015

I Want things to move to the next level emotionally and physically and I can't quite pinpoint why she's reserved/tentative about it. I think I'm making it obvious that I like her without being overbearing at all. If she's talking to someone else and playing me, I want to detach.

By pushing for more of an emotional commitment than she can give a measly 4 weeks into this fledgling relationship you are being overbearing. I see no indication that she's talking to somebody else. I do sense you being needy & clingy. Your weekend sounded marvelous. Don't blow it by pushing to hard for more this early. Keep doing what you have been doing & eventually more will come on a very solid foundation. If you continue to push for more emotional commitment then she is willing to give you at this early stage you will push her away. Slow & steady. Moving at the fast pace you seek guarantees this will burn out.

October 6, 2015

Thanks Donn, I'll keep playing it cool and letting her do most of the chasing. I know you read my story about my ex, everything that happened there is definitely playing a role here. My ex was so deceiving at the end that anytime the new girl does something a little off, I assume worse case scenario and distance myself.

With my ex, we talked nonstop and had sex the second time we got together. This new girl seems much more normal, but I've never moved at such a slow pace before. It makes me worried that I'm a side guy for her or that she's not physically attracted to me enough - although she often rubs me, lays on massages me etc. I'm prob just worried over nothing.

On a positive note, I looked at pics of my ex last night and felt nothing for the first time, what an amazing feeling. My ex texted me last week wanting to meet up and I had/have zero desire to reply. This new girl really is better in nearly every way, I was under a deep destructive trance before. Idk how my ex got me so hooked.

October 6, 2015

Repeat after me: this pace is normal & healthy. [insert new girl's name] is not my EX. I need to have a little faith.

October 6, 2015

She probably feels a bit embarrassed that she is doing all the chasing, as you said. She probably started feeling insecure about that fact and wanted to see where you were at since you weren't really doing much of the asking.

I don't really think it's healthy to spend all of your free time with someone new because i think it mucks up your ability to see things objectively. However, I think you should have the exclusivity talk with her, and then ask her on some nice dates in the near future. I think she'd really appreciate it.

October 6, 2015

Haha thanks Don

And Yep that's the plan, I started texting her a bit more flirty - saying I wanted to kiss her etc. she responded well. If things keep going well I'll have that talk with her in the nearish future

October 6, 2015

And Yep that's the plan, I started texting her a bit more flirty - saying I wanted to kiss her etc. she responded well. If things keep going well I'll have that talk with her in the nearish future

I'd hold off for at least another month unless she opens the subject sooner.

October 6, 2015

She just asked me to hangout again tomorrow, so far she has no shame in initiating almost every time, but I make it clear it's not one sided. There's also been times where I felt like she wanted a break from hanging out with me after a long period of time, but then I'll get a text asking me to come over later that night. Those are the slightly mixed messages that confuse me. I think she's falling for me and keeps trying to force herself to go slower than she naturally wants to.

I'll feel the situation out and won't rush anything. If we share some deep connection in the moment ill say something like "so what do you think about us?" And see where that takes us.

October 7, 2015

Am I overthinking as usual?

Last night she started texting me and asked for the pic of us we took last weekend. I sent it and she didn't say anything back (I expected something like aw cute or thanks), eventually I said good night and she said sweet dreams.

Then 5 min later she says "you don't want to come over?". I said right now? And eventually made my way over there. I thought she'd be lying in bed, but instead she was walking home from a bar and I got there before her. She made out with me right away on her patio, then when we walked her dog and then inside, but anytime the making out was getting heated - she'd stop, and eventually she turned the other way and wanted me to hold her but wouldn't roll over to kiss me when I tried to get her to turn around. Then she was too tired so I just left.

I guess overall it's obvious she likes me, but I get worried "did she just come from a date with someone else?" "Why does she keep pulling away a bit? Does she not like me enough? Does she like someone else?". I just want her to respond positively to my advances emotionally and physically so I know where we stand (I.e. If she likes me?). I need to know how she feels, I'm not trying to be a cuddle buddy

October 7, 2015

Oh for heaven's sake. She gave you a PG rated booty call. Relax & enjoy.

October 7, 2015

She just asked me to hangout again tomorrow, so far she has no shame in initiating almost every time, but I make it clear it's not one sided. There's also been times where I felt like she wanted a break from hanging out with me after a long period of time, but then I'll get a text asking me to come over later that night. Those are the slightly mixed messages that confuse me. I think she's falling for me and keeps trying to force herself to go slower than she naturally wants to.

I'll feel the situation out and won't rush anything. If we share some deep connection in the moment ill say something like "so what do you think about us?" And see where that takes us.

You can help her pace things. If she texts you to come over the same night as she texts or calls, ask her if you can come the next night or something. Don't run over there last minute. You can decline as long as you offer another day/night. If she wants you to come over last minute, just spend some time on the phone with her and offer another night a few times.

October 7, 2015

I'm just so close to letting my guard down and really liking her if she can just let me know she definitely likes me too. I guess her actions (always wanting to see me) show that, but she doesn't reveal her feelings about me often, doesn't compliment me often and cuts off our intimacy after a little while. I'm so used to my ex bombarding me with compliments and love nonstop (when things were good) that it's hard to determine if this is a normal pace or if I should be concerned.

October 7, 2015

I think it's just my own anxiety rearing its head, I like reassurance

October 7, 2015

Repeat after me: this pace is normal & healthy. [insert new girl's name] is not my EX. I need to have a little faith.

I'm quoting myself because it bears repeating. You just said you are used to your EX bombarding you with compliments & that because your new SO does not you have concluded she's not as into you are you are to her. Re-read & repeat my quote. She's not your EX. Ergo she will not act like your EX. Simply because her verbiage isn't constant compliments, in the face of her much more telling actions, you cannot logically conclude she's not into you. Your anxiety is going to blow this apart if you don't get a hold of yourself.

October 7, 2015

Yeah, you're right. I feel that we are close to the tipping point where it will soon become something substantial, remain a buddy thing or fade to nothing, I'll try my hardest to let that unfold naturally.

October 7, 2015

Another example:

Supposed to see a movie tonight at 650. I texted her this morning saying I had fun snuggling last night, she responded quickly saying "Me tooo". Later on I asked if she wanted to bring a bottle of wine over and have dinner beforehand, she said she was paddle boarding at 4 and would let me know when she was done. I said nothing back.

It's 5:50 now and I've heard nothing. Sure, she's probably just busy or having dinner with a friend and will text soon, but I can't help but think "what if she's on a date with someone else and she's not going to text and just ditch out".

Am I being totally unrealistic and paranoid? Or do I just expect more communication like "come over at X time" or "I'll be home in 30 sorry later than expected" and she can't give me it?

Gah, hate this. Prob will just need to detach soon.

Sometimes she acts like I'm her bf, other times a friends with benefits and other times like some random person.

Edited October 7, 2015 by ravfour4

October 7, 2015

Where do you see buddy thing in here at all? I see budding romance.

October 7, 2015

After finally stopping talking to my ex for over a month I've felt exponentially better and have met someone new.

yep, that's how it works

October 8, 2015

You're prob right Donn, I just need to chill and not have such specific/high expectations.

She finally called back and my nervousness was for nothing, both the night before and yesterday she was hanging out w a group of girls - not on a date. She still gives some mixed signals - for example, I made some comment about how much we hung out last weekend (36 hours straight) and joked that i didn't get sick of her. She said "oh just you wait, you will. Well, I hope you don't" but then at the movie theatre I tried to put my arm around her and she didn't get it and it landed awkwardly on her head lol but soon after she leaned over grabbed my arm and cuddled up against me. She also added me on FB so maybe she does see this going somewhere.

I dropped her off after, she seemed a little surprised that I was just dropping her off but I was tired and had been way too available lately. She still has a bit of a shield up, if I start talking about us, she'll let it down sometimes. Maybe she wants this to become exclusive too

October 8, 2015

I mainly don't know if I need to still play it cool at this point and have her do most of the chasing or if it's matured enough where I can just text her whenever to continue to solidify the relationship.

October 8, 2015

Hey mate.

I'm really happy this is going good for you. But the over analyzing in your head is really going to be your downfall..

It's been what, a few weeks? Get your emotions in check. CLEARLY you like this girl alot, you have been through trauma and don't want to get hurt which is understandable, but pleeeease don't ruin this with your over thinking.

From EVERYTHING you explain there really isn't many mixed signals. It seems like a girl who is giving you her time responsibly and isn't jumping straight in, which is actually really mature!

My ex also fell head over heels with me instantly, showering me with compliments. Each person is different, value and appreciate this girl for HER qualities and stop comparing them to your ex.

You've established that you like her, it's clear that she's happy giving you her time, getting to know you and SLOWLY moving forward, so keep doing what you're doing.

Her not being receptive to a cuddle one minute and then suddenly cuddling you isn't any mixed signals, it's simply you worrying too much.

See where it goes, don't jump in too hard and like I said keep your emotions in check. Goodluck man, i'm happy for you

I, on the other hand have been on many many dates since my breakup and haven't found anyone who clicks for me in that way, so you're doing great!

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Playing it cool w new romantic interest

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