DeanGirl Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Hello, I've been in a relationship for 5 years. But lately I have some doubts about it. I am unemployed for 4 months and it makes me feel worthless, I feel sad and depressed, I talked to my boyfriend about it but he mostly ignores it, he thinks I'm just bored. But I am feel so bad that I cry a lot, totally weird for me because I'm very happy, positive person. He doesn't take my problems seriously and I feel like I am wasting my time in this relationship. I think I would feel better if I was alone, because than no one could disappoint me. I am the opposite, when he has a problem I try to fix it and help him as much as I can. His behavior makes me feel unloved and irrelevant. I have tried to talk to him about it and I always come out looking crazy. We almost broke up a few weeks ago, we agreed to try and work our problems out, nut it looks like he is not trying and I am doing everything I can to deal with it. Any advice?
Confusioncreepsin Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Hello, I've been in a relationship for 5 years. But lately I have some doubts about it. I am unemployed for 4 months and it makes me feel worthless, I feel sad and depressed, I talked to my boyfriend about it but he mostly ignores it, he thinks I'm just bored. But I am feel so bad that I cry a lot, totally weird for me because I'm very happy, positive person. He doesn't take my problems seriously and I feel like I am wasting my time in this relationship. I think I would feel better if I was alone, because than no one could disappoint me. I am the opposite, when he has a problem I try to fix it and help him as much as I can. His behavior makes me feel unloved and irrelevant. I have tried to talk to him about it and I always come out looking crazy. We almost broke up a few weeks ago, we agreed to try and work our problems out, nut it looks like he is not trying and I am doing everything I can to deal with it. Any advice? Just some advice (hopefully) First, the unemployment thing. As people, we tend to get caught up in that jobs are a part of defining us. Some people get so into it that their egos, reputation and existence is their job. Not saying that you are doing that, but many times that is what I hear when people feel worthless if they are unemployed. In your case I think you are just wanting to be the best you can be, and part of that is to work. That is good, but as with anything put boundaries on your feeling depressed. Only allow yourself to wallow in self pity for a certain amount of time each day and then tell yourself it is time to be productive in other ways. Allow time to be down, but once the time period (like an hour) is over you have to go get involved in something else. Second, take a look at what a healthy relationship looks like: Listening to your partner, understanding their issue(s) and then working together to try and resolve it together. No trivialization, no brush the topic off, no pacifying. That to me is normal. From what you are saying, he is doing all the opposite from normal. It is hard, trust me I have been there, but if your partner is not willing to meet you halfway on things that matter to you, then he might have an expectation that you are their to serve his needs with no thought to yours. You also might me like me, someone who tries to fix and help others. It is not your responsibility to fix him. It is your responsibility to ensure he knows what is bothering you, and it sounds like he does but he CHOSE to deal with it the way he did. Stare at that the words HE CHOSE!!! Since you may be a fixer of people, this makes you resent him since you go out of your way for him....instead of a healthy 50/50 back in forth, you feel like your are 80/20. This will only get worse over time if your don't deal with it now....my recommendation is stern: Give him one more opportunity to LISTEN to your concerns. Ask him how both of you can work on trying to make it better Tell him your thoughts on what you think will work....now wait and see what he says (or more importantly what he does). If nothing then immediately proceed with NO CONTACT...cut him out of your life and wait...wait for action rather than words. It will hurt like hell, but if you don't make consequences for his behavior now it will only get worse and harder to deal with. You have laid out what you expect Im sure, probably had arguments where you told him what you need...but if the action is not there, then its just words and it should show you how he really feels about taking care of the one he "loves". Sorry so long.
Author DeanGirl Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 Just some advice (hopefully) Give him one more opportunity to LISTEN to your concerns. Ask him how both of you can work on trying to make it better Tell him your thoughts on what you think will work....now wait and see what he says (or more importantly what he does). If nothing then immediately proceed with NO CONTACT...cut him out of your life and wait...wait for action rather than words. It will hurt like hell, but if you don't make consequences for his behavior now it will only get worse and harder to deal with. You have laid out what you expect Im sure, probably had arguments where you told him what you need...but if the action is not there, then its just words and it should show you how he really feels about taking care of the one he "loves". Sorry so long. Thank you very much, great advice, really helps to have someone look at the situation objectively .
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