Popsicle Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Back when I was first learning about the dynamics of these affairs, I used to think that it made a difference if the MM pursued you and initiated things, as opposed to the OW pursuing the MM and initiating things. I thought (past tense) that if the MM pursued and initiated it with the OW, then he wanted her more than the other way around. If he was the driving force behind this, then surely he must want her a lot, right? No, not really. I have come to learn from my observations of many people in A's that it doesn't matter. Even if he pursued the OW heavily, that doesn't mean that at the end of the day he'll leave his wife for her. And he might even call the A off himself out of guilt/Dday/whatever. It probably just means that he's more selfish. What are your thoughts? As an OW, were you pursued (as in, the MM initiated things with you and went after you)? Has he left his wife? 2
NewLeaf512 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Back when I was first learning about the dynamics of these affairs, I used to think that it made a difference if the MM pursued you and initiated things, as opposed to the OW pursuing the MM and initiating things. I thought (past tense) that if the MM pursued and initiated it with the OW, then he wanted her more than the other way around. If he was the driving force behind this, then surely he must want her a lot, right? No, not really. I have come to learn from my observations of many people in A's that it doesn't matter. Even if he pursued the OW heavily, that doesn't mean that at the end of the day he'll leave his wife for her. And he might even call the A off himself out of guilt/Dday/whatever. It probably just means that he's more selfish. What are your thoughts? As an OW, were you pursued (as in, the MM initiated things with you and went after you)? Has he left his wife? mine pursued me to the enth degree and did not leave his wife 3
bathtub-row Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I was pursued very heavily. And that happened every time I broke up with him. I thought that meant something. Well, it did mean something. It meant that he needed me to take the edge off of a lousy marriage that he never intended to leave. 7
wanderingxsoulz Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I met mine on an overseas trip but we were from the same city. He initiated things during the trip though I must say it didn't take much effort as I was already rather drawn to him. When we returned home, I was the one who contacted him first before we started seeing each other. When I first asked him why didn't he contact me, he said he didn't know if I felt the same way. Shouldn't have known what a liar he was then. Anyway, from the start, I never wanted him to leave his wife and we even talked about it so there weren't really any expectations. But when I broke things off, he didn't chase after me either. Any thoughts on this???
cocorico Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 As an OW, were you pursued (as in, the MM initiated things with you and went after you)? No. He wasn't looking for an A. Has he left his wife? Yes. We've been M for several years now.
Got it Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 No, I would say we mutually pursued. And yes we are married now.
Southern Sun Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I am no longer in the A and am married, so I was a MOW. But yes, he pursued me heavily, all "love" and soul-mates and crap. Then once I was hooked, he was the one who ended it, and jerked me around while managing down my expectations. Then he really ended it. Then he tried to get me back! But I think it was because I was the "perfect" situation for him. He wouldn't have to commit to me, because I wasn't available either. I got my act together by then and walked away. Sick. 2
MissBee Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Back when I was first learning about the dynamics of these affairs, I used to think that it made a difference if the MM pursued you and initiated things, as opposed to the OW pursuing the MM and initiating things. I thought (past tense) that if the MM pursued and initiated it with the OW, then he wanted her more than the other way around. If he was the driving force behind this, then surely he must want her a lot, right? No, not really. I have come to learn from my observations of many people in A's that it doesn't matter. Even if he pursued the OW heavily, that doesn't mean that at the end of the day he'll leave his wife for her. And he might even call the A off himself out of guilt/Dday/whatever. It probably just means that he's more selfish. What are your thoughts? As an OW, were you pursued (as in, the MM initiated things with you and went after you)? Has he left his wife? Pursuing doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things. I remember there was another thread about pursuing, unrelated to affairs, and my response was that I wasn't as enamored by heavy pursuit and what I look for is consistency AFTER we've established some form of relationship. Outside of affairs in regular ol' dating I've known many a hot and heavy pursuer who scaled every mountain to gain my interest then cooled off once they got it or said they didn't want a relationship. So I've learned that some people like the chase (men and women alike), some like a challenge, some may even like you, but liking you, being hell bent on sleeping with you, getting to know you, etc...none of that ultimately determines if they will be consistent or if it will be a sustainable relationship or they'll leave to be with you. In my situation, he escalated things and pursued me, so to speak,but that did not mean much. He eventually left his other relationship after we also broke up but it didn't have much to do with me. 3
USEDOW Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 He pursued me for months and wrecked my life. I thought it was so strong what we felt we couldn't be broken. His wife took him back after he was with me for 6 years every: day. I still can't accept it.
m4p Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 We pursued each other. Felt mutual attraction but tiptoed around each other for months unsure if the feeling's mutual and because there is just too much to lose. I had never let myself cross that line with any of my guy friends before (be it they were attached/married or not). But it took just one business trip we both took one night overseas for the A to start. First A for both of us. In beginning of the A it's evident that he's more into me than vice versa. 2 years on.. drama ensued, and of course he didn't leave his wife.
RecentChange Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Married man pursued me - but it was understood that it was going to be a sex only arrangement. "Friends with benefits" was his suggestion after I said I wasn't looking for a boyfriend. I agreed to it after he assured me he wasn't "on the rocks" with his wife and had no intention of leaving her. And that we would leave emotions out of it / not get intertwined that way.
goodyblue Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 We actually were always attracted but never crossed the line. Seventeen years later we made the conscious, mutual decision to take it further, knowing what our end game was from the very beginning. Been together for Some years and are married.
lookingforclosure Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Yes, mine pursued me...I didn't even realize it at first. I was nieve, my girlfriend actually was the one who ended up bringing it to my attention. He was very hot in the pursuit. I fell for the "true love", "soul mates", where was I ten years ago....2 1/2 years later....his wife left him. And now he's in hot pursuit of her. So even if the wife does leave, doesn't mean anything. All I see know is a bunch of lies...and wonder if I ever really was anything to him period 1
Grapesofwrath Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Yes, he pursued me, ardently and with consistency. He continued to pursue me consistently throughout the entire A. Would seek me out, whenever possible. Show up at my house at 10 p.m. on a Sunday night after driving in from his place, just to sleep next to me. Drive around town to find me, even just to go to the supermarket with me while my sons were at baseball practice (and even pay for the groceries). Meet me here or there if I had some free time. Fix things around my house. I thought it meant something. He did all this, except on weekends, holidays, or vacations when he would shelve me because he was with his family. So he did it when it worked for him, but not when it didn't. After a"black-out" period, he would tell me that he thought about me the whole time. I thought that meant something, too. He was straight up from the beginning that he was "happy at home" and had no intention of leaving his wife. I confess that, initially, I thought he was just in denial and that time would change his stance. No one could do and say the things he did while being "in love" and "happily married" to someone else, right? That was a tough lesson to learn, believe me. And now I've learned it. 3
ladydesigner Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 When I was the MOW the xOM both flirted and pursued me before I pursued back. My A happened shortly after I discovered my WH getting frisky with a co-worker at a party. I thought what must have been good for the goose is also good for the gander
Gloria25 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Pursuing doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things. I remember there was another thread about pursuing, unrelated to affairs, and my response was that I wasn't as enamored by heavy pursuit and what I look for is consistency AFTER we've established some form of relationship. Outside of affairs in regular ol' dating I've known many a hot and heavy pursuer who scaled every mountain to gain my interest then cooled off once they got it or said they didn't want a relationship. So I've learned that some people like the chase (men and women alike), some like a challenge, some may even like you, but liking you, being hell bent on sleeping with you, getting to know you, etc...none of that ultimately determines if they will be consistent or if it will be a sustainable relationship or they'll leave to be with you. In my situation, he escalated things and pursued me, so to speak,but that did not mean much. He eventually left his other relationship after we also broke up but it didn't have much to do with me. I "double like" ^^ Who pursues who and with what intensity means crap...easy come, easy go. Also, it has nothing to do with a measure of how much the MM/MW desires you, cuz it's all about their ego. If they cared about you, they'd follow through and treat you right. In my case, I wish he'd just give it up cuz no follow through. I mean, I don't get how he gets off of just the attention cuz he does various things to sorta keep me hanging on and hanging on for what? Now, either he's scaled down a lot or I'm not paying as much attention as I used to (which is good for my sanity), but he sometimes stares, follows me around or loses sleep if he sees my vehicle gone for extended periods. I don't get what he wants I mean, it's not like he's leaving her. He actually just keeps on at warp speed advancing their relationship and expanding their family...so, how does he expect me to just hang on and not go out and try to meet guys when he makes no effort to meet my needs? In my case, we aren't in a physical affair, I guess it's emotional? But not even that cuz we barely even speak. I call it an "imaginary" affair. Why he wants to keep this "imaginary" affair going is something I'll never get. Sometimes I make excuses for his behavior cuz I empathize with someone torn between wanting two women/worlds - but at least in a real affair, the OW gets "something" out of it (i.e. sex, attention, time spent together)...in my case he gives me nothing but stares, mirroring, and gestures. I need more than that. So, I, each time, get sucked in when I try to measure each stare, gesture, "mirroring" - but I'm getting stronger and wiser to stop looking into anything he does cuz like MissBee says, how/when they pursue you doesn't mean a thing - what counts is the follow through and there's no followthrough in my case - quite frankly, the only thing getting stronger is his marriage....go figure
USEDOW Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 But his marriage won't be stronger when she learns why he was Mr family guy all that time. Makes me sick that's what mine was doing. Thought he'd make up for it by being Family Guy blah
Adoraxx Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 I am no longer in the A and am married, so I was a MOW. But yes, he pursued me heavily, all "love" and soul-mates and crap. Then once I was hooked, he was the one who ended it, and jerked me around while managing down my expectations. Then he really ended it. Then he tried to get me back! But I think it was because I was the "perfect" situation for him. He wouldn't have to commit to me, because I wasn't available either. I got my act together by then and walked away. Sick. This is exactly how it was for me. Pursuing me heavily , "love you so much", "miss you!" blah blah blah, and then once I was hooked, he always dumped me and disappeared without even giving some of explanation. Only to return again full of "I Love you's" and "I will never do it again" and "I will never feel guilty again" and "I disappeared because I got sick of all your endless questions". It was always the same cycle and very very stressful. In the end, even when he was in one of his pursuing modes again, I felt stressed all the time because I knew that inevitably, after a pursuit the disappearance and ignoring would begin again. No, he never left his W and I never expected him to.
Lois_Griffin Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 When you read various infidelity boards, you can't help but roll your eyes up into the back of your head when you read BW after BW claiming that her husband was in a 'bad place' and the OW 'took advantage of that' and pursued HIM. Yeah, sure. Seeing that the clear majority of the OW who replied here were not the ones doing the pursing doesn't surprise me at all.
USEDOW Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 He flirted very heavily with me even in front of her the first six months. He just made me laugh playing jokes always heading for me. She neverveven talked to him. All of which made it easy to believe that they lived separate lives. Once his wife suggested we got a taxi home as she was leaving. Then she had the nerve to fight him back after six years ugh using family. Stupid man was torn between me and all his family.
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