When his actions and words don't mesh...commitment-phobe or stringing me along?

[Bellona]

I have been dating a guy exclusively for the past 5 months. We both agree that we have a good thing, and we're the most compatible partners we've been with. We enjoy our time together and are mutually affectionate.

 

Circumstances are threatening to tear us apart. He leaves for grad school this fall, and doesn't want to do a LDR. He has been burned by them before, and doesn't want to add that on top of all the pressures of moving, school, etc. He doesn't want to break up now, either. LDR, to him = emotional baggage that will pull him from what he needs to concentrate on when he gets there.

 

He wants his move to give us a break and see how we feel after some time apart before we arrange to move me, if that even happens. He said he doesn't want to make any guarantees things will work out, but he doesn't want to close the door on the opportunity of it working, either. He doesn't want to make a bigger commitment until he gets where he's going and sees what the new place has in store for him.

 

He wants us to keep in touch, visit, and we'll see how we feel. I'm hurt by all this, but I appreciate his honesty. He could've just left me in the dark, but he values me as a person enough to talk about this with me. Me moving is a big step. Can things work out? Am I being looked at as the girl to fall back on? His actions don't indicate that he feels different toward me, but his words are saying we'll take a break. He's not pressuring me for intimacy right now, either, so it's not about free nookie. He has been spending as much time with me as possible lately, and it has been great.

 

I'm confused about whether I should end this now or wait it out. Any advice/similar stories much appreciated!!!

[flsgirl]

I don't necessarily think this guy is stringing you along. Think about it, he's moving to a new place and starting grad school. Those are big changes. I'd be freaked out too. Plus you said he's been burned with the LDR. Can't blame the guy for being scared. At least he's being completely honest with you about everything.

 

I think that you should still date each other casually and see what happens. He should do his thing and you do yours. Maybe just let your relationship cool off a bit. You will be able to tell how much he wants you to be with him because an effort has to be made to keep your relationship going. He sounds like a good guy. Just be supportive and realize that this is a big change in his life. If it's meant to be, it will work out. Just keep living your life too.

[overseas2004]

Well obviously what he said is not good... its not a good sign otherwise you would not be upset.

 

I cant tell you what will work to make him sing a different tune, but I can tell you as a person who has a lot of experience with dating, that the most important thing is for you to maintain your self respect. Allowing him to date you while continuously telling you that you may not be what he wants and that it may be emotional baggage for him is actually demeaning to you. It makes you feel bad and makes you feel worthless. The longer you allow yourself to be put in this position (and limbo is no fun) the longer you will feel bad about yourself. If you feel bad about yourself, he will also have less respect for you and he will start treating you bad.

 

Ok what I am about to say is going to be one of the hardest things that you have ever done. I suggest you skip all the crap that he has been shelling out to you lately and tell him that you have alot to offer and that if he cant see that, then you owe it to yourself to find someone who will. I wouldnt make a big deal about it or fight about it... just leave him and act very much like you dont care while you are doing it.

 

The biggest likelihood is that he is going to want you back. Also, you will see that he will have much more respect for you than he would have if you lingered in this relationship and were ok with his half-a**ed plan for your long distance relationship while he is at school. Of course there is a chance that he may say ok and agree with you that you should break up. But if he takes the latter course and says goodbye, then that action tells you that he doesnt love you and probably never did. He will be saving you alot of time.

 

As for the heartache, I can only tell you from experience that it ALWAYS PASSES no matter how hard you got hurt. I am a true testament to that. Geez, it takes up to three to six months sometimes, but it always goes away. If you keep repeating to yourself that your bad feelings will go away you will get over it easier.

 

And the only other thing I have to add is that, I have been hurt alot of times in my life. Mostly it was because I let men put me in a lower position than them, even though I was usually smarter and better looking and just a better person than they were. About 3 years ago I decided that I wasnt going to allow anyone to put me down anymore. I am really happy now, and I have good and healthy relationships. Everyone I have dated respects me because I respect myself and dont allow them to walk on me or put me down. In fact I am seriously considering marrying someone that I have been seeing since last July. So trust me when I tell you that this is what you need to do.

 

By the way, if I had to bet on this one I would bet that he will come back grovelling.... but if he doesnt then you are better off. Look at it this way, why would you want to delay meeting the right person with someone who clearly isnt?

[overseas2004]

I totally would not do what the other poster said. It will drive you nuts to be in limbo for any long period of time. And you will end up ruining it with constant fights and disagreements. You will be asking for re-affirmations of love and he will be pushing you away like he is now. Cut it now, make him burn, and see him run back.

 

If he doesn't again... so what... you will find the right one then.

[Bellona]

Some good advice has been offered here, and I appreciate it. I'm detaching myself little by little, because I know I am a great partner and owe it to myself to find someone who doesn't need convincing of that. Constantly talking about this with him just wears us both out and doesn't get us anywhere, so I have a good idea of what I'll say next time I see him. He tells me how much he cares about me, how glad he is that he met me--well, I don't doubt that he cares, but obviously--given our differences of opinion--our level of caring is incongruous. I know I can't change his mind, but I refuse to be the "good for now" girl while he scavenges to see if the grass is greener on the other side.

 

Yeah, I'm really hurt by this one, but I'll get by with a little help from my friends.

[overseas2004]

You go girl. That is the right attitude. And if you need more help you know how to reach me...

[Bellona]

Well, he spent a few days in his new city to take care of some business there--and he contacted me everyday. It shows he was thinking about me, and he wanted to fill me in on how everything was going. He said, "You'd like this..." or "you should see this..." I didn't expect to talk to him at all during those days. I was gonna use it as "thinking" time.

 

In the meantime, I booked a flight to visit a friend in DC--an area I'd like to move to. I am looking into where I want to go, where I want to apply for graduate school, and I no longer take my relationship into account. My guy has made his decision--and now I'm relegating him to the background.

 

Everytime I assert my independence, though, he starts calling me more and romances me even harder. I used to let that whisk me away. Not anymore, though.

 

What I can't understand right now: he wanted me to spend a day with his mom's family and meet some of the cousins from out of town. I find that a bit weird: you don't want to exclusively date me when you leave, but you're introducing me to more of your family now because you want them to meet your girl? And he said his parents want to take me out sometime. At this point, it's probably best if I start staying away from the parents, right?

 

Well, I can't meet his family because I have a funeral to attend. I'll see him tomorrow, and I can't wait to tell him my plans for the future. He needs to know I have the resolve to move on. Of course I still love him and I want to continue my relationship with him, but if he thinks he can't handle it--it's his loss. If we keep in touch and visit like he wants, there's no free nookie; if he wants to get back together, I'm gonna take a harder look at my long-term plans for the future this time--and he might not factor in them so significantly the second time around.

[tokyo]

Bellona, I wish I had been as smart as you two years ago. You made very good moves.

[swirlingdaisy]

I don't know if anyone else noticed this, but he'll be moving away for grad school in the "Fall"...which is several months from now...yet it's *now* that he's bringing all this stuff up. That seems odd to me.

 

I could see him saying these things/having concerns about an "LDR" if it were a month before he left for school...but geez, it's only May - Fall is a ways away.

 

So is he suggesting you 2 sort of sort of break up NOW and just be casual.............in preparation for him moving in 5-6 months, or what?

 

There's still a lot of time left before he goes.........why doesn't he just focus on the time you 2 have together now, over these next few months......instead of looking down the road so far and already looking for "trouble"....considering you 2 seem to be such a good match at this point.

 

It's weird.

[Bellona]

Actually, he'll be taking a summer class in his new city from the end of June through the beginning of August, then he'll be back here from August thru mid-Sept. Everything he has said about LDR relates to when he moves to be a full-time student, so he wants to spend as much time as possible with me now before he leaves. He says, "When I'm back in August, we should...." A LOT, but I usually reply, "If I'm here, we'll see." He just doesn't want to promise me a false bill of goods. I can understand how a new city, new pressures, and a new life can change a person--but wouldn't that make you want your closes confidante to be a part of it every step of the way?

 

I don't think I'm being played like a fiddle, but he's not as emotionally mature as I want a partner to be. I plan on discussing some things when I see him tomorrow.

[justagirliegirl]

I cant tell you what will work to make him sing a different tune, but I can tell you as a person who has a lot of experience with dating, that the most important thing is for you to maintain your self respect. Allowing him to date you while continuously telling you that you may not be what he wants and that it may be emotional baggage for him is actually demeaning to you. It makes you feel bad and makes you feel worthless. The longer you allow yourself to be put in this position (and limbo is no fun) the longer you will feel bad about yourself. If you feel bad about yourself, he will also have less respect for you and he will start treating you bad.

 

Ok what I am about to say is going to be one of the hardest things that you have ever done. I suggest you skip all the crap that he has been shelling out to you lately and tell him that you have alot to offer and that if he cant see that, then you owe it to yourself to find someone who will. I wouldnt make a big deal about it or fight about it... just leave him and act very much like you dont care while you are doing it.

 

Great post!!!

[loony]

Actually, I don't think you should tell him that you have a lot to offer, because it will only sound like an attempt to convince yourself and to blackmail him. He knows already that you have a lot to offer and that's why he's not letting go of you completely. I'd just tell him that you want to be in a relationship and that what he has to offer to you is not enough and not what you are hoping for. I think in the end it comes to respect when a guy decides to stay with a girl. He needs to see that he can respect her, because she is able to love someone, but still not let this love cloud her judgment when someone doesn't treat her right. I think that's what men want from a woman, someone who loves them, but who also respects herself enough not to stay in a situation that doesn't meet her needs. I think they have spent enough time together by now, if he is still hesitating, it's because he's comfortable with the situation and does not respect her wish for a stable relationship. She has spent enough time showing him how much she cares for him, now it's time to show him that she is also someone who is able to walk away. If she continues staying, she will make herself appear clingy and needy, because he knows, she's not happy, but is still willing to hold on to a situation that is not acceptable.

[Bellona]

I have a good report following this thread. I'm much happier. Looking at these posts make me wonder why I couldn't walk away: I was in love, but I had to love myself more to get what I needed.

 

I moved to Washington, D.C. for a new job opportunity of my own. I stayed single, but decided to put myself back on the market to see what would happen. The other guy...well...he had his chance and let me go, so I owed it to myself to start seeing others when I was ready.

 

I met a great guy who treats me like a princess, and we have the same relationship goals. We went through the same thing this past summer, so we're sensitive to each others' needs.

 

Faith, patience, and loving yourself enough to walk away from a bad situation is key to finding some happiness. I'm in a stable relationship that looks like it's gonna be long-term. Two months and running.

 

Thanks for the advice!

[loony]

That is really great, congratulation!

[justagirliegirl]

Thanks for the update and glad things are going well for you.

 

I am in a situation like this and it is a ldr.

 

After some things that have happened the past week or two, I am reconsidering this relationship.

 

He tells me he hasn't decided on being with me forever or not and I was going to wait a bit longer but after reading this thread and some others, it seems like he is being disrespectful to me by implying I may not be what he wants. I do feel like i'm in limbo and it has been 15 months we have been seeing each other.

 

I am trying to figure out what to say to him. I'm not good at talking as I try and never quite get out what I want to say.

[loony]

I saw you post that you were 20 years older than him. As a woman I would be very careful with getting into a relationship with a man who is that much younger than me. Even if he likes you, he is young and he might want a family later on, with you his wish to have a family might not be feasible in the future. When a woman gets close to menopause, she should forget all this nonsense about "age is just a number", this is only possible in the reverse case young woman-older man. There is a real biological clock ticking and for some men it does play a role in their decision. Sure, you can try it with hormones, etc. but this might require more commitment and effort than some men are willing to invest.

 

I think after 15 months people should have some idea if they see a future with you or not. If you are not in a relationship with them as Bellona was, I'd say, ask what the situation is, tell him what you want, if you don't get it move on, because they are not suffering, you are. If you are already in a relationship, then find out if there any good reasons why he feels reluctant to be with you, maybe you or he has some issues and is therefore somewhat insecure, but then you should decide whether it's just the issue or the whole fundament that prevents you from building something solid. If he just doesn't know if he really likes you or not, I would get out of it.

[Bellona]

I saw you post that you were 20 years older than him. As a woman I would be very careful with getting into a relationship with a man who is that much younger than me. Even if he likes you, he is young and he might want a family later on, with you his wish to have a family might not be feasible in the future. When a woman gets close to menopause, she should forget all this nonsense about "age is just a number", this is only possible in the reverse case young woman-older man. There is a real biological clock ticking and for some men it does play a role in their decision. Sure, you can try it with hormones, etc. but this might require more commitment and effort than some men are willing to invest.

 

I think after 15 months people should have some idea if they see a future with you or not. If you are not in a relationship with them as Bellona was, I'd say, ask what the situation is, tell him what you want, if you don't get it move on, because they are not suffering, you are. If you are already in a relationship, then find out if there any good reasons why he feels reluctant to be with you, maybe you or he has some issues and is therefore somewhat insecure, but then you should decide whether it's just the issue or the whole fundament that prevents you from building something solid. If he just doesn't know if he really likes you or not, I would get out of it.

 

I had only a year under my relationship belt, but we were at the point where we had to determine which way we were going because of all the changes. His hesitation -- and never really coming around in FULL commitment -- was an indication that we were going down two different paths and I was always putting "us" first while he was putting himself first; it has to be "we."

 

When I met the guy I am with now, I was a little reluctant to get involved at first. However, he is capable of giving me that full commitment -- in fact, he initiated "the talk" because he saw me as very valuable and didn't want to let me get away. He wondered how many other guys I was seeing, and was hoping he'd come out on top.

 

It's hard to walk away, but make yourself scarce and see what happens. Start focusing on being successful on your own, and what you want out of life besides the relationship. I resolved to make the most out of my time in DC and not sit and pout over a guy who seemingly was letting me go (he kept in touch, wanted to see me over the holidays, but I have since cut contact because it's not fair to the guy I'm seeing now who is supportive of me and questions the ex's intentions; I don't want to screw anything up, so I stopped talking to the NYC ex). It all works out. Takes time, but it works out.

 

Resolve to live everyday so you won't look back and have regrets like, I wasted all this time on someone who didn't realize that I'm worth holding onto...

[Bellona]

Thanks for the update and glad things are going well for you.

 

I am in a situation like this and it is a ldr.

 

After some things that have happened the past week or two, I am reconsidering this relationship.

 

He tells me he hasn't decided on being with me forever or not and I was going to wait a bit longer but after reading this thread and some others, it seems like he is being disrespectful to me by implying I may not be what he wants. I do feel like i'm in limbo and it has been 15 months we have been seeing each other.

 

I am trying to figure out what to say to him. I'm not good at talking as I try and never quite get out what I want to say.

 

 

Don't allow yourself to be in limbo. Life is short -- and it's not fair for him to get to decide.

 

This guy could just be a stepping stone to finding someone better. Unbelievable now, maybe, but anything is possible.

[justagirliegirl]

I saw you post that you were 20 years older than him. As a woman I would be very careful with getting into a relationship with a man who is that much younger than me. Even if he likes you, he is young and he might want a family later on, with you his wish to have a family might not be feasible in the future. When a woman gets close to menopause, she should forget all this nonsense about "age is just a number", this is only possible in the reverse case young woman-older man. There is a real biological clock ticking and for some men it does play a role in their decision. Sure, you can try it with hormones, etc. but this might require more commitment and effort than some men are willing to invest.

 

I think after 15 months people should have some idea if they see a future with you or not. If you are not in a relationship with them as Bellona was, I'd say, ask what the situation is, tell him what you want, if you don't get it move on, because they are not suffering, you are. If you are already in a relationship, then find out if there any good reasons why he feels reluctant to be with you, maybe you or he has some issues and is therefore somewhat insecure, but then you should decide whether it's just the issue or the whole fundament that prevents you from building something solid. If he just doesn't know if he really likes you or not, I would get out of it.

 

 

Thanks looney. We are in a relationship. I'm just looking to when we will take it to the next level as this 2 country thing gets a bit old.

 

He told me it was the age difference. Something of course I can't change and also something we discussed from the vey beginning. I laid my cards out about that from the beginning when we were deciding to pursue this and he still wanted to. The children talk happened too. I haven't began menopause yet. Lots of late births in my family. He has mostly said he doesn't want any kids.

 

We had this talk again when I first got here as he seemed distant. He said it was the age difference. I asked him if he had decided yet and he said no. I told him I would wait. Really how long should I wait?! or should I at all.

[justagirliegirl]

Don't allow yourself to be in limbo. Life is short -- and it's not fair for him to get to decide.

 

This guy could just be a stepping stone to finding someone better. Unbelievable now, maybe, but anything is possible.

 

Thanks Bellona! Yeah why does he get to decide. I am in his country now and will be the rest of the summer. You seem to be good at saying thing. What do you think I should say to him?

 

Plus I do plan to just do my own thing here making myself scarce.

[loony]

I asked him if he had decided yet and he said no. I told him I would wait. Really how long should I wait?! or should I at all.

I wouldn't tell anybody that I was waiting for him, that's not a very good idea. You really sound as if you would take anything from him. I would really say, you need to have some standards and stick to them otherwise people won't respect you.

 

I really can't give you any better advice than the one that I have already given, sorry...

 

Good luck

[justagirliegirl]

I wouldn't tell anybody that I was waiting for him, that's not a very good idea. You really sound as if you would take anything from him. I would really say, you need to have some standards and stick to them otherwise people won't respect you.

 

I really can't give you any better advice than the one that I have already given, sorry...

 

Good luck

 

Thanks. See I really don't know what to say to him. I am too nice.

[loony]

Thanks. See I really don't know what to say to him. I am too nice.

That's not about being to nice, that's about being too scared to stand up for one's right. Being too nice often turns people into passive aggressive naggers. You don't want this, do you? Just talk with him. You should know what you want and expect in a relationship. It's not unreasonable to expect something more committed after 15 months.

[justagirliegirl]

Thanks Loony! I am learning.

 

I just brought this up with him 3 weeks ago and he said he didn't know yet and was still thinking about it.

 

I am not sure whether to bring it up when he comes over this weekend or wait until the end of my stay here.

 

It seems like I will talk about it but find no resolution to it. It turns out the same. I thought about saying something like, Since you still don't know, I'm going to take some time away from this relationship and not contact me until you know.

 

That probably sounds all wrong but I want to say something like that.