Lilac Love Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 It's been three years since I ended our short-lived relationship. I made it clear to him that I deserve better and refuse to be his doormat. Unfortunately, my ex-boyfriend is habitually disrespectful. To say he became bitter would be an understatement... He predictably resorted to blaming me for the deterioration of our relationship and claimed I was crazy. His vindictiveness even affected the friendship between his sister and me. Everyone says I am physically and intellectually different from the women he dates... He even admitted to feeling "stupid" when conversing with me. He also recently admitted to still caring about me a lot and having love for me. A few weeks later, however, he blocked my number after I confronted him about something. According to his sister, he acknowledged his mistake to her, but was still very angry with me for confronting him about it. Why is he still emotionally invested in me through his anger? Is it a coping/defence mechanism? Out of all the women he has dated, I am the only one he is reacting to with such passion... It's bizarre.
mightycpa Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 He is incapable of dealing forthrightly with these negative and painful emotions and clearing them out of his system. They are festering in him, and pretty soon, they're going to take up permanent residence.
Author Lilac Love Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 He is incapable of dealing forthrightly with these negative and painful emotions and clearing them out of his system. They are festering in him, and pretty soon, they're going to take up permanent residence. Why is he allowing the negative and painful emotions to fester? He currently has a girlfriend, but seems to be more emotionally invested in me. I encouraged him to focus on his current relationship.
Apparition Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 If he has a current girlfriend, then perhaps she's his rebound in order to get over you? I don't know, only he can tell you that. Some people who come into our lives take parts of our hearts away from them when they leave, I know that much. And perhaps that's what you did to him - and now he's not sure how to deal with that? No idea. People deal with things differently.
Qboro90 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Why is he still invested in you? Well it might have something to do with the fact that you still actually talk and are an active figure in his life despite the fact you are not dating and haven't for years. How often do you talk to him/see him? If he texts you something rude or mean do you ignore it or reply? You said you confronted him about something. Why are you still inviting the drama and energy to a guy? You're wondering why you're the only girl he does this with out of all the girls he's dated. Well how many of those girls still talk to him ? Also you're hanging out with your ex's sister and getting upset with him because it's caused a little stress on your friendship with her. Um... That's pretty warped way to look at it. How would you feel if you had a brother and your ex became great friends with him and was hanging out at your house even after the break up because he hangs with your brothe. Then you even ask his sister and use her as your inside spy to find out what he's thinking or feeling. While I'm sure he wasn't a good BF at all and you should've broken up with him, I also think you're causing this problem by still being a fixture in his everyday life. I'd be angry too if my Gf broke up with me then acted like I should get over it and wouldn't even have the courtesy to think to stay away from his house and family for a while ... At least until he's not resentful anymore. 1
Author Lilac Love Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 If he has a current girlfriend, then perhaps she's his rebound in order to get over you? I don't know, only he can tell you that. Some people who come into our lives take parts of our hearts away from them when they leave, I know that much. And perhaps that's what you did to him - and now he's not sure how to deal with that? No idea. People deal with things differently. I suppose it could be a rebound relationship. It's been three years since I ended our short-lived relationship, though. Perhaps he is still in love with me, but I find it difficult to accept this as a possibility. His anger is disproportionate to the situation.
Author Lilac Love Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 Why is he still invested in you? Well it might have something to do with the fact that you still actually talk and are an active figure in his life despite the fact you are not dating and haven't for years. How often do you talk to him/see him? If he texts you something rude or mean do you ignore it or reply? You said you confronted him about something. Why are you still inviting the drama and energy to a guy? You're wondering why you're the only girl he does this with out of all the girls he's dated. Well how many of those girls still talk to him ? Also you're hanging out with your ex's sister and getting upset with him because it's caused a little stress on your friendship with her. Um... That's pretty warped way to look at it. How would you feel if you had a brother and your ex became great friends with him and was hanging out at your house even after the break up because he hangs with your brothe. Then you even ask his sister and use her as your inside spy to find out what he's thinking or feeling. While I'm sure he wasn't a good BF at all and you should've broken up with him, I also think you're causing this problem by still being a fixture in his everyday life. I'd be angry too if my Gf broke up with me then acted like I should get over it and wouldn't even have the courtesy to think to stay away from his house and family for a while ... At least until he's not resentful anymore. We communicated sporadically after the breakup. I usually responded to his rude messages and reminded him that I do not tolerate disrespect. I had been friends with his sister for six years before I agreed to be in a relationship with him. She actually introduced us to each other. I do not ask his sister any questions about him, nor do I use her as an inside spy. She is the one who mentions him during conversations. I encourage her not to get involved.
Meli22 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 He's not emotionally invested in you, he probably just doesn't like you as a person and gets angry when he speaks to you. When people hurt us we tend to dislike them, it's natural. Him blocking your number is no emotional investment whatsoever, it's him cutting contact so he doesn't have to hear from you again. I don't see any investment there.. 1
hunk Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I think the bigger question is why do you care, and what compelled you to sign up here and make a thread about it, if your relationship ended 3 years ago? Who cares how he behaves. It doesn't matter. You're not in his life anymore, you don't have any sort of relationship and you don't need one. Just don't talk to him. Obviously I am leaning towards the notion you are the one with unresolved feelings here. 4
Author Lilac Love Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 He sounds like a real whiner. Do I detect sarcasm? I never thought I would be the recipient of such anger. I could understand it if I had been dishonest and unfaithful, but this is not the case. As I mentioned previously, his sister introduced us to each other. He was instantly attracted to me and expressed it in various ways. This went on for years. I urged him to forget about me and he said, "You know I can't do that. I haven't felt this way about anyone." He's not emotionally invested in you, he probably just doesn't like you as a person and gets angry when he speaks to you. When people hurt us we tend to dislike them, it's natural. Him blocking your number is no emotional investment whatsoever, it's him cutting contact so he doesn't have to hear from you again. I don't see any investment there.. If that is the case, why would he say that he still cares about me a lot and has love for me? He also said I am "truly a good woman" and "better than my girlfriend." Yet he becomes angry with me... I think the bigger question is why do you care, and what compelled you to sign up here and make a thread about it, if your relationship ended 3 years ago? Who cares how he behaves. It doesn't matter. You're not in his life anymore, you don't have any sort of relationship and you don't need one. Just don't talk to him. Obviously I am leaning towards the notion you are the one with unresolved feelings here. I can see why you would assume that and I appreciate your opinion. The reason I signed up and made a thread about it is that I am baffled by his behavior. I wish him well, but I have no interest in rekindling our relationship.
Meli22 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 If that is the case, why would he say that he still cares about me a lot and has love for me? He also said I am "truly a good woman" and "better than my girlfriend." Yet he becomes angry with me... He may love you in a way that you were once a big part of his life and cares for you like a lot of exes care for eachofher. Don't read into things too much.. You broke up with him for a reason
Author Lilac Love Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 He may love you in a way that you were once a big part of his life and cares for you like a lot of exes care for eachofher. Don't read into things too much.. You broke up with him for a reason You make a good point, Meli22. I appreciate your insight. He shouldn't compare me to his girlfriend and say I am better than her, though. It's unfair to her and insulting to their relationship.
Author Lilac Love Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 So, his sister contacted me and apologized for his behavior. I told her not to worry about it. She is a wonderful friend and I do my absolute best to prevent her from being put in the middle. I wish he would show the same courtesy.
Author Lilac Love Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 My ex-boyfriend's sister continues to apologize for his behavior. Apparently, he is still angry and talking bad about me. I don't understand why a man with a new girlfriend is engaging in such irrational behavior... I assured his sister that she has nothing to apologize for and urged her to refrain from worrying about the situation. I can only imagine how uncomfortable she feels. Is there anything else I can do to prevent her from being put in the middle?
Shock148 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Only thing you can do is confront him and tell him to stop being such a whiny pos and get over it. Thats about it. Other than that, tell your friend next time he starts talking bad about you, as a friend, she should step up and tell her brother to stop with this crap. It's been 3 years and she has done nothing to you so why constantly bash you? I mean, I honestly would do that to a friend if I had a brother who was bashing his ex from 3 years ago. If nothing else, the only other thing is distance yourself away from your ex sister since at this point you should be done with the apologies shes giving you and thats it. Enough is enough. Not saying it is her fault, but she is doing nothing to tell her brother to relax and stop putting herself in the middle on this.
BC1980 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 You need to block him and go NC. It's been 3 years, and you are still allowing him to get to you. By not blocking him, you are making a conscious decision to allow him access to you. The real question is: what are you getting out of all of this? Because you are getting something out of it. Otherwise, you would block him and be done with it. 1
Shock148 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Every woman I know would have blocked him years ago over this pathetic crap but for some reason you dont. Do you secretly enjoy it because it gives you a sense that he still cares/wants you? 3
BC1980 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Why is he still emotionally invested in me through his anger? Is it a coping/defence mechanism? Out of all the women he has dated, I am the only one he is reacting to with such passion... It's bizarre. Do you enjoy the fact that he is reacting this way? Does his behavior subconsciously feed your ego because he is still invested? I find it interesting that, twice, you singled yourself out as special among all the women he has dated. You state that you are emotionally superior to the women he has dated, and you state that you are the only one who has been able to elicit such passionate anger. Based on what you've told me, my gut feeling is that you subconsciously enjoy the negative attention he gives you because it feeds your ego. It makes you feel special that you can elicit such a response from him, and it makes you feel in control. You have been in the driver's seat for the 3 years since you dumped him. I'm sure he still has some feelings for you. I think that him blocking you changed the power dynamic in his favor. I don't think it's very beneficial to probe the reasons for his behavior. I think it's time to look at your behavior and try to understand why, 3 years later, you still allow an ex access to your life. You are just as emotionally invested in the "relationship" as he is. As for the sister, you can be friend with her independent of your ex if you want to. 1
Author Lilac Love Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) Only thing you can do is confront him and tell him to stop being such a whiny pos and get over it. Thats about it. Other than that, tell your friend next time he starts talking bad about you, as a friend, she should step up and tell her brother to stop with this crap. It's been 3 years and she has done nothing to you so why constantly bash you? I mean, I honestly would do that to a friend if I had a brother who was bashing his ex from 3 years ago. If nothing else, the only other thing is distance yourself away from your ex sister since at this point you should be done with the apologies shes giving you and thats it. Enough is enough. Not saying it is her fault, but she is doing nothing to tell her brother to relax and stop putting herself in the middle on this. I don't understand why this is happening... He admitted to causing problems, yet he continues to misdirect his anger and bash me. I agree with your assertion that she is not doing anything to tell him to relax, though. According to her, it's like "walking on eggshells." You need to block him and go NC. It's been 3 years, and you are still allowing him to get to you. By not blocking him, you are making a conscious decision to allow him access to you. The real question is: what are you getting out of all of this? Because you are getting something out of it. Otherwise, you would block him and be done with it. I changed my number and went No Contact for two years. He continued to talk about me. The only reason I eventually broke No Contact last year is that I was tired of the animosity and wanted to make peace. In retrospect, it was a bad decision. Lesson learned. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought it was the mature thing to do. This is what I was referring to when I mentioned that we communicated sporadically after the breakup. Every woman I know would have blocked him years ago over this pathetic crap but for some reason you dont. Do you secretly enjoy it because it gives you a sense that he still cares/wants you? It gives me a sense that he is deliberately misdirecting his anger. I do not understand the reason behind his protracted vindictiveness. Do you enjoy the fact that he is reacting this way? Does his behavior subconsciously feed your ego because he is still invested? I find it interesting that, twice, you singled yourself out as special among all the women he has dated. You state that you are emotionally superior to the women he has dated, and you state that you are the only one who has been able to elicit such passionate anger. Based on what you've told me, my gut feeling is that you subconsciously enjoy the negative attention he gives you because it feeds your ego. It makes you feel special that you can elicit such a response from him, and it makes you feel in control. You have been in the driver's seat for the 3 years since you dumped him. I'm sure he still has some feelings for you. I think that him blocking you changed the power dynamic in his favor. I don't think it's very beneficial to probe the reasons for his behavior. I think it's time to look at your behavior and try to understand why, 3 years later, you still allow an ex access to your life. You are just as emotionally invested in the "relationship" as he is. As for the sister, you can be friend with her independent of your ex if you want to. No, I do not derive enjoyment from his reactions. People have singled me out as being physically and intellectually superior/different from all the women he has dated. Those are their observations. Do I notice the difference? To a certain extent. However, I do not consider myself to be superior in attractiveness and intelligence. It's not a competition. In my opinion, being different is not synonymous with being superior. I seriously doubt he still has feelings for me. I made it clear to him that I am not interested in rekindling our relationship. Edited October 5, 2015 by Lilac Love
Shock148 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) I changed my number and went No Contact for two years. He continued to talk about me. The only reason I eventually broke No Contact last year is that I was tired of the animosity and wanted to make peace. In retrospect, it was a bad decision. Lesson learned. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought it was the mature thing to do. This is what I was referring to when I mentioned that we communicated sporadically after the breakup. Well then like you said it was a bad decision. Guess what? Go BACK TO NC and delete that bum from your life. That's it you gave him another chance because you wanted no animosity and wanted to make peace and he still gives you animosity and no peace. He doesn't deserve for you to be in any way shape or form in your life. Just block him from everything and refuse to ever see him again. Problem solved. Why would you allow someone to constantly berate and talk crap about you behind your back? You are getting no peace and all animosity on his end which is why you are here wondering why is he still like this after 3 years. Get a clue, stop caring, and delete him from your life. You obviously care about what he is doing to you for no good reason at all. Edited October 5, 2015 by Shock148 1
Shock148 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Lilac what state do you live in? I will show you how a real man treats his women. I am asking you out on a date to get to know you better 1
Author Lilac Love Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) Well then like you said it was a bad decision. Guess what? Go BACK TO NC and delete that bum from your life. That's it you gave him another chance because you wanted no animosity and wanted to make peace and he still gives you animosity and no peace. He doesn't deserve for you to be in any way shape or form in your life. Just block him from everything and refuse to ever see him again. Problem solved. Why would you allow someone to constantly berate and talk crap about you behind your back? You are getting no peace and all animosity on his end which is why you are here wondering why is he still like this after 3 years. Get a clue, stop caring, and delete him from your life. You obviously care about what he is doing to you for no good reason at all. You're absolutely right, Shock148. I appreciate your forthright approach more than words can express. I was struggling to understand why he is hell-bent on doing this to me, but I suppose it doesn't matter. My conscience is clear and comfortable. I wish him well. Lilac what state do you live in? I will show you how a real man treats his women. I am asking you out on a date to get to know you better Haha! I am not from the United States. You're such a sweetheart! I wish you happiness and love. Edited October 5, 2015 by Lilac Love 1
BC1980 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 I changed my number and went No Contact for two years. He continued to talk about me. The only reason I eventually broke No Contact last year is that I was tired of the animosity and wanted to make peace. In retrospect, it was a bad decision. Lesson learned. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought it was the mature thing to do. This is what I was referring to when I mentioned that we communicated sporadically after the breakup. Okay, I was under the impression that you had never been NC. Well, in that case, I would say go back to NC because any contact is clearly not going to work. You know, one thing I've learned is that there are some people we can't make peace with because it's a two way street. I wish it were different, but he sounds like he is holding onto some sort of grudge that he refuses to let go of. In that case, I'd say let him stew in his anger. Don't let it become your problem. 1
mightycpa Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Hunk asked a very good question that remains unanswered. Why should you care? Let him sit around obsessing and blaming you for everything, his miserable life, his miserable girlfriend, his miserable job... whatever. It's all your fault. Fine. Let him tell the world that. No argument. What difference could this possibly make to you now? Tell us all the rest of the story. 1
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