Post Break Up

[kylie.]

I am 20 years old. He is 18. I met him on New Years and we were very close, very quick. We made it official in March. Throughout those first few months things were good. We had a couple bad fights but always worked through them. He told me that he loved me and confessed it in tears. As the summer began he told me that I was wife material and that he saw a future with me. I was so happy. I felt content with this guy and was completely myself. In July he began to change. He told me he felt like he had to choose between what he wanted in the future (me) and how he wanted to be as an 18 year old. We took a week break and he came back to me saying that he wanted us and he was positive. We went on a family vacation to TN for ten days where we grew even closer. We told each other we were falling in love. A week after coming back from TN he told me that he felt different and that maybe we were just friends. He ended it. This was a month and a half ago. That first month we had zero contact. Not a single text. Once that month went by I stopped at his house and left a bag of his shirts and stuff on his car. He texted me saying thanks and made small talk. He told me during that conversation that he cared about me but he did not want a relationship again. He admitted that I had made him happy and he agreed that we had messed each other up. A week has gone by since then and nothing from him. I miss him so much. I guess my question is do you think he will be back and what should I do overall? I genuinely cared about him so much and I was begininng to see a future with him too. Do you think that his silence is a sure sign he's moving on? Or do you think he needs time to get all this stuff out of his system? Do you think he will come back and if he does will it be genuine? Should I move on? Please help. I'm full of unanswered questions. Thank you

[louxor]

I am 20 years old. He is 18. I met him on New Years and we were very close, very quick. We made it official in March. Throughout those first few months things were good. We had a couple bad fights but always worked through them. He told me that he loved me and confessed it in tears. As the summer began he told me that I was wife material and that he saw a future with me. I was so happy. I felt content with this guy and was completely myself. In July he began to change. He told me he felt like he had to choose between what he wanted in the future (me) and how he wanted to be as an 18 year old. We took a week break and he came back to me saying that he wanted us and he was positive. We went on a family vacation to TN for ten days where we grew even closer. We told each other we were falling in love. A week after coming back from TN he told me that he felt different and that maybe we were just friends. He ended it. This was a month and a half ago. That first month we had zero contact. Not a single text. Once that month went by I stopped at his house and left a bag of his shirts and stuff on his car. He texted me saying thanks and made small talk. He told me during that conversation that he cared about me but he did not want a relationship again. He admitted that I had made him happy and he agreed that we had messed each other up. A week has gone by since then and nothing from him. I miss him so much. I guess my question is do you think he will be back and what should I do overall? I genuinely cared about him so much and I was begininng to see a future with him too. Do you think that his silence is a sure sign he's moving on? Or do you think he needs time to get all this stuff out of his system? Do you think he will come back and if he does will it be genuine? Should I move on? Please help. I'm full of unanswered questions. Thank you

 

I believe you will benefit from reading the posts on this thread by homebrew: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

Scroll through, read his posts on the first few pages, and it should help you understand the position your ex is in.

 

It seems to me like he does genuinely care about you, but due to being so young, he may not even know what he wants at the moment, and you have to respect that.

[kylie.]

Oh my gosh this describes the whole situation so much it's actually crazy. I'm doing my best to just let it go and not talk to him at all. I guess the quote that says if you love something let it go and if it comes back it was yours and if it doesn't then it never was is going to become my motto.

[louxor]

Oh my gosh this describes the whole situation so much it's actually crazy. I'm doing my best to just let it go and not talk to him at all. I guess the quote that says if you love something let it go and if it comes back it was yours and if it doesn't then it never was is going to become my motto.

 

That's exactly the case.

 

I'm going through a nearly identical situation as you are right now.

Knowing that my ex is out there looking for something that was missing in our relationship made me really sad to begin with - the thought that someone else could be giving her something I couldn't offer her at the time was hard to take in (especially because it was at no fault of my own - I know I gave her all I could and she herself told me I was fantastic to her for the whole period of our relationship). But after I took the time to sit and think about it as subjectively as possible, I realised the fact that it needed to happen. It needed to happen because if it didn't she would have grown to despise me and we would have broken up down the road anyway, it would have just been a whole lot darker of a breakup. So, I'm actually grateful that it happened when it did.

 

Seems weird right? The idea that I can sit here now, completely happy and content, knowing that someone else is potentially being able to make her happy when I couldn't, despite giving her much.

 

So why do I feel this way? Why I am completely okay and encouraging towards the fact that she might have moved on to someone else after giving her everything and having my heart broken? I am like this because she is still very important to me, we did not break up on bad terms and I have no reason to feel any other way about her. I am like this because she is happier away from me, and that should be, and is, enough for me to move on - Knowing that someone I care so much about is happy, with or without me.

 

Some people will say that I am just a wuss, that she broke my heart with no regard for my feelings, so why should I feel anything towards her but anger and disapproval? To this I say, when you truly love someone, you will find something within you that makes you happy when they are happy, even if their happiness is now coming from a source that has nothing to do with you anymore.

 

So keeping all this in mind, I encourage you to never blame yourself for what happened, you gave him all you could. However, do not blame him either, if he could change how he felt he would. From what you've written, I'd be confident saying he is angry at himself for feeling how he does, how could he be feeling this way about someone who has been so good to him? This is where situations like this become difficult, because, he doesn't know why he feels this way, he just does, and that right there is why you have to let him go. You have to give him as much time and space as he needs to find whatever it is he thinks he was missing in your relationship. Allowing him to do this will not only benefit him, it will benefit you as well, as you are too free to explore life. You are both young, you have lots you have yet to experience.

 

And who knows, somewhere down the line, if it was meant to be (Like you said) your paths may cross again.

 

If this does happen and you cross paths, if you have been able to position yourself like I have in regards to the situation, you will be in a place that even if you decide it's best to stay apart, this decision will not bother you, because you have moved to a happy place and so has he, so there is nothing to lose if it doesn't work.

 

If it does work, and you decide to give it another go, you will both be new people and a relationship may bloom again. However, there is 0 chance of this happening - 0 chance - if you do not let him go, and if you do not let yourself grow as a separate person without him. This will have 0 chance unless you are both completely recovered when you cross paths again.

 

Good luck, you are well on the way to recovery. Feel free to message me if you have any other questions.

[kylie.]

I cannot thank you enough for saying all of that. You are completely right. I needed to read that so bad. It's some of the best advice I have gotten and basically spot on to how it's been going. He told me he had tried to get that feeling back but couldn't. He even said with tears in his eyes that he guess he is just too wishy washy. I guess why I'm so torn up is that he said it was for the best and hasn't contacted me at all. I think he has a lot of figuring out to do. Which is why I'm glad it happened as well. Because he couldn't have continued to drag me through the mud with his indecisiveness. Especially when I knew and he had told me that I was what he was looking for. I hope that I found the strength to move on. And I hope he finds what he wants. Like you said I have no hard feelings for him either. I just want him to be happy. I miss him dealry but it's time to let it go. Like you said, only then can something with the more mature him in the future happen.

[louxor]

I cannot thank you enough for saying all of that. You are completely right. I needed to read that so bad. It's some of the best advice I have gotten and basically spot on to how it's been going. He told me he had tried to get that feeling back but couldn't. He even said with tears in his eyes that he guess he is just too wishy washy. I guess why I'm so torn up is that he said it was for the best and hasn't contacted me at all. I think he has a lot of figuring out to do. Which is why I'm glad it happened as well. Because he couldn't have continued to drag me through the mud with his indecisiveness. Especially when I knew and he had told me that I was what he was looking for. I hope that I found the strength to move on. And I hope he finds what he wants. Like you said I have no hard feelings for him either. I just want him to be happy. I miss him dealry but it's time to let it go. Like you said, only then can something with the more mature him in the future happen.

 

That's exactly what my ex said when we broke up. She was balling her eyes out saying she wished she didn't feel this way, but she just did. She said she was also so sorry for dragging me along with her indecisiveness. Emotion like that can't be faked, no matter what other people may tell you - I know she was being honest with me and your ex was also being honest with you. It's a horrible way to end a relationship, because well, there's no direct reason you can point your finger to as to why it ended, so you're left a bit lost. You just have to accept that for how it is unfortunately.

 

What he has done by not contacting you is a good thing - for both of you. He is trying to get his head straight, and holding onto contact with you at the moment will only slow down and deter this process. The same goes for you and your recovery. Contact with him right now will only set you both back.

 

If you try and cut back the emotional side of the situation for a minute, you'll notice that it is just another thing in the life of a young person that they aren't sure about. Why do you think young people go in and out of studying different things, in and out of different jobs and so on - There is so much out there that is new to experience, that even if nothing is wrong, not being able to experience these new things can sometimes become overwhelming.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with missing him, you spent great times together. I still miss my ex, we had so many firsts together that I don't think I will ever not miss her. The only difference between you and I is in the way that we miss them. I miss the all the fun times we had, but I miss it in a good way, thankful for all the experiences I had the privilege to share with her, not in a way that makes me want to sit in the corner and cry. Compare it to your dream holiday, once that is over you will miss it. You will wish you could go back and relive all the memories as they were back then, but at the same time you know that it's in the past and dwelling on the past for anything other than being grateful for fun times will only set you back.