noobguy24 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 So I was married very young, for 20 years and had kids at a young age. I'm a professional and have one child at home who I have custody of, age 13. I'm 41 and in good shape physically and bring home 6 figures working at a stable goverment job where I've worked for 14 years. I'm getting ready to start dating but I want to be aware of the pitfalls. I'm not looking to hook up so much as looking for someone I click with and have the potential for a long term relationship. I would say the I'm above average in the looks dept. But was wondering, how difficult is dating for a guy of my age and how do women view having a kid at home in my situation?
carhill Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 IMO, your social circle is a good start, not dating within it, but rather making social contacts and engaging in events which bring you into contact with compatible potentials outside your social circle. Most of my friends who moved on quickly after divorce met their new spouses or partners that way, through social or church contacts in real life. None that I know personally used electronic means like online dating. Given you're a parent, no rush. Things move along. If you're persistent in balancing your social, work and parental lives, a good match will come along. Welcome to LS 2
mrldii Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 You've got a lot of excellent resume stats, making you appear to be a "good catch". There's going to be women put-off by the fact that you have a still-at-home child AND that that child lives with you, full-time. Good. Let 'em be put-off...you don't want them, anyway. Since you're the primary caregiver, you'll want a woman who's on board with it, too. There's going to be women put-off by the fact that you're "recently divorced". Was it a good divorce? A bad divorce? Is she an "unreasonable, out-of-control b*tch" or did you two "just grow apart"? Since you were married for 21 years and you're now newly-single, are you looking to relive your *Lost Years* and are more interested in 20-YOs to rewind the clock? Or, are you more interested in finding someone closer to your own age that you can relate to NOW? Are you open to having more children? Eventually, that 20-YOs biological clock is gonna start ticking and she's gonna want some. You game? Or, will you trade her in for a newer model? That 35-YO is gonna want kids real...damned...quick. You open to marriage, when and if the right person comes along? Hate to sound like I'm drilling you, here, but these things ARE going to be going through the minds of most of the women you'll be dating. It's probably best that you have a clear understanding of where you're at, so as to not (unwittingly) cause misunderstandings with those you date. They're going to want to figure out if you're a kid in a newly-opened candy store, a lost little *dear* in the headlights, or a guy who's got a pretty good understanding of who he is, what he wants, and what he offers. Best of luck to you, OP...getting to start over - or having a do-over - can be a lot of fun and quite an adventure! 1
sportygirl89 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 You may feel you are ready to date. But it will take you at least 6 months. I've dated multiple recently divorced guys. Got burned by both. Just take your time with it. 2
mystikmind2005 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 You may feel you are ready to date. But it will take you at least 6 months. I've dated multiple recently divorced guys. Got burned by both. Just take your time with it. Good advice.... My Ex moved out January 2015, took me at least 3 months to accept the situation properly, but that is never the end of the story..... I found i had much less emotional energy than what i had when i was dating before the marriage. So it is difficult to 'bring it' and maintain a bright burning relationship for very long before you start feeling bummed out by that relationship simply due to the lack of emotional energy. Guys never see that coming, so hence the bad experiences as per the above post. I find it is better to take things slow, date working women who have busy lives of their own - that is my little handy hint
Ami1uwant Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 At your age it should be assumed you have kids. More often than not. If you try yo date someone who is allot younger like 27-31 who has never married and likely childless it could be an issue. Dating someone around your age of 37-42 probably has been married before and probably has a child of her own. The problem at your age is it s really hard to meet people unless you have a magnet personality. If you are looking around your age everyone else has busy lives with careers, kids, etc. so trying to meet someone ran dinky is very difficult. Where can you meet people?? 1. Through your child. He probably has a few friends who have single moms. If not them then through them through networking. 2. Through clubs or church where you have done socializing. 3. Through work. This is much harder because many refuse to date people from work. I work for a large employer. My rule is not to date immediate coworkers or others you are regularly doing work with. I have no problem dating people I randomly meet through work like you worked together on a one time project but your paths very rarely cross after that. 4. Online dating sites. There are many out there. These you to be rally good where you got mostly serious people looking. Now through Nass marketing you are now drawing in more flakes , thus much more to weed thru.
Author noobguy24 Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 (edited) You've got a lot of excellent resume stats, making you appear to be a "good catch". There's going to be women put-off by the fact that you have a still-at-home child AND that that child lives with you, full-time. Good. Let 'em be put-off...you don't want them, anyway. Since you're the primary caregiver, you'll want a woman who's on board with it, too. There's going to be women put-off by the fact that you're "recently divorced". Was it a good divorce? A bad divorce? Is she an "unreasonable, out-of-control b*tch" or did you two "just grow apart"? Since you were married for 21 years and you're now newly-single, are you looking to relive your *Lost Years* and are more interested in 20-YOs to rewind the clock? Or, are you more interested in finding someone closer to your own age that you can relate to NOW? Are you open to having more children? Eventually, that 20-YOs biological clock is gonna start ticking and she's gonna want some. You game? Or, will you trade her in for a newer model? That 35-YO is gonna want kids real...damned...quick. You open to marriage, when and if the right person comes along? Hate to sound like I'm drilling you, here, but these things ARE going to be going through the minds of most of the women you'll be dating. It's probably best that you have a clear understanding of where you're at, so as to not (unwittingly) cause misunderstandings with those you date. They're going to want to figure out if you're a kid in a newly-opened candy store, a lost little *dear* in the headlights, or a guy who's got a pretty good understanding of who he is, what he wants, and what he offers. Best of luck to you, OP...getting to start over - or having a do-over - can be a lot of fun and quite an adventure! First off, thanks for all the insightful replies . Well I had planned on never getting divorced and always tried to work though any problems we had but her infidelity, and subsequent lack of real, sustained remorse for her actions was the final death blow to our marriage. I filed for divorce a little over a year ago and never looked back and just recently got my decree. The ex how ever was engaged about 4 months after I filed and is getting married immediately. Good luck to her but I'm wondering about where my path will go, and wondering how to approach things since I've never really dated much. I'm looking to someone near the 25-35 year old range and preferably a career but not a necessary deal breaker. Looks and physical appearance is pretty important but i would think my situation would narrow down my potential suitors. I guess I won't know until I try! I think i am open to having more children. I don't think i'm looking to relive my younger years, not that i wouldn't hook up with a girl i just recently met though. Edited October 2, 2015 by noobguy24
Buddhist Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I'm in the same age bracket as you, the only thing I would tell you to be prepared for is the generation gap. I also date younger than me but that generation divide can sometimes be a killer. There's a hell of a difference between a Gen X and a Gen Y. The hardest thing for me is finding a Gen Y that has any kind of compatible sensibilities. Hookups, FWB, yolo and freaking social media are all no-go zones for me. Prepare to have dates where your partner is constantly fiddling around with their phone instead of having a conversation with you. Prepare for entire nights of receiving txts that look like a 5yr old wrote them. Prepare for your date to not actually use the phone to talk to you but to play candy crush and text people incessantly. Prepare for meeting 25yr olds who've had more sexual partners than you've had birthdays. Prepare for young women who don't use contraception then get all shocked when they fall pregnant and say stupid things like.....it was totally unexpected. Prepare for google to bring up hundreds of photo's of your date standing in their bathroom trying to look appealing but actually looking like an idiot. Prepare for a hell of a lot of game playing. My rules are pretty simple, if someone is paying more attention to their mobile than to me while on a date. I am excusing myself and not looking back. If they can't write a coherent sentence I don't reply. Nor do I respond to texts consisting of emoticons and the words....hey babe. It will be hard to find a 20 something who's sensible especially as you're already a parent, have a stable career and have been a full blown adult for a long time. I won't say you'll never find it, but it's a rare jewel. Unfortunately the ones that aren't sensible appear to be incredibly stupid and inane. Best of luck. 3
MidwestUSA Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I can't add much to what Buddhist said, well done. If you're going to target that low, don't expect women your own age to give you a second glance. You never know what you might miss. I never contacted guys who looked like they wanted to date an entire generation down. If they contacted me, I either ignored them, or gave them a snarky reply letting them know I was too old for them. What age woman is going to be more appropriate for your child? Lastly, don't be shocked when you're shocked. As in, by the dating scene. I was married for seventeen years, and gave myself two years to recover and find myself before getting anyone else involved. It was some alleged rule of thumb a wise friend gave me. I'm glad I took my time. 1
andie1969 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Funny, I'm a recently divorced woman who was cheated on by my EX-H. I am 45 and have been dating a 41 year old man for about 6 months. Things are great! He has a 13 year old son who he has almost half the time, I have a 12 year old daughter who I have all the time. We do a lot of things with the kids, tomorrow night we are all going to make our own pizzas and have game night. He didn't think he was looking for someone 4 years older than him also, but here we are! O, we did meet through Match.com even though we used to live very close to each other and also worked across the street from each other back in college, but never met. 1
kendahke Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 So I was married very young, for 20 years and had kids at a young age. I'm a professional and have one child at home who I have custody of, age 13. I'm 41 and in good shape physically and bring home 6 figures working at a stable goverment job where I've worked for 14 years. I'm getting ready to start dating but I want to be aware of the pitfalls. I'm not looking to hook up so much as looking for someone I click with and have the potential for a long term relationship. I would say the I'm above average in the looks dept. But was wondering, how difficult is dating for a guy of my age and how do women view having a kid at home in my situation? It depends upon the woman, really, and what she is looking for in a relationship. Some women will welcome the fact that you have a custody of your child; others will not want to be step mom to a teenager. It's your job to weed those types out because you don't want to bring anyone around your child who doesn't want them there, you know? It's going to take a lot of talking and getting to know them to suss that out. Some will tell you up front that they're not down for step parenting---others will feel that way, but want to be in a relationship more and may be attracted to your trappings and may engage you, but in the end, who they really are will surface eventually. another issue that I've read in posts both here and on other dating sites is have you processed and resolved your feelings about the demise of your marriage to the point where you're not being driven by the guilt you may feel towards your child now being from a broken home? It's a very fine balancing act to be both a caring and attentive parent and a fully healthy adult who would like the affection and relationship with another fully healthy adult to whom they are attracted. You have to be prepared for all sorts when you go out into the dating world. Dating in my 40's was way more lean than dating in my 50's, for some weird reason. Generally speaking a lot of the guys I came across in my 40's were shell shocked from the grinder they went through with their divorces... almost like their paradigms were crushed and they were rudderless in the aftermath. Totally different in my 50's--it's like they've gotten over that and got their wits back.
Author noobguy24 Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 Do you want to have more kids? I would have another child. Kids are awesome
Popsicle Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I would have another child. Kids are awesome I suspect that you listed an age range that was lower than your own not primarily because you want more kids but because you assume that women your own age look like ****, but that is a unwise assumption to make. You should check out SINGLE women your age. They keep themselves up. 5
BluEyeL Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I think you'll be pretty successful. May suffer some rejection from the under 30 ones and because you have a kid. It may be more realistic for you to shoot in the 32-35 pool rather than 25-30 pool, the younger ones may pass due to your age and one kid already, over 30s may be OK with that because they're running out of time on the bio clock. All that plays a real role. But overall, you'll have a pretty good time.
autumnnight Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I don't really have any advice expect to say a woman who is only 12 years older than your child might not be the best choice for a stepmother. 7
kpl Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 First off, thanks for all the insightful replies . Well I had planned on never getting divorced and always tried to work though any problems we had but her infidelity, and subsequent lack of real, sustained remorse for her actions was the final death blow to our marriage. I filed for divorce a little over a year ago and never looked back and just recently got my decree. The ex how ever was engaged about 4 months after I filed and is getting married immediately. Good luck to her but I'm wondering about where my path will go, and wondering how to approach things since I've never really dated much. I'm looking to someone near the 25-35 year old range and preferably a career but not a necessary deal breaker. Looks and physical appearance is pretty important but i would think my situation would narrow down my potential suitors. I guess I won't know until I try! I think i am open to having more children. I don't think i'm looking to relive my younger years, not that i wouldn't hook up with a girl i just recently met though. I'm in that range and wouldn't date you because your divorce is too recent. I might have fun but I wouldn't consider you a viable option. For a relationship that long with trust being broken I would need someone who had been divorced at least 3-5 years. I once dated a guy who had been with someone for 8 years and met me 6 mos later...worst decision ever. 1
Author noobguy24 Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 I'm planning on meeting rejection, many of the women I'll talk to won't know a thing about me. I still have things i need to work on but I think i'm getting close to seeing what's out there. When I was married all those years it seemed like a taboo to even talk to a female so I don't have alot of experience carrying on conversations with women. I was hit on a few times while married and i still don't know if they knew i was married or not, but I just remember being super uncomfortable with it. I'm just wanting to meet someone normal and see where it goes from there. I don't think i'll be jumping into anything anytime soon
bettermistakes Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I'm just wanting to meet someone normal and see where it goes from there. I don't think i'll be jumping into anything anytime soon Famous last words. I'm pretty sure I said almost the exact same thing when I re-entered the dating world a few years ago. It's a very reasonable request but don't be surprised if there are a lot of curveballs, both from others AND yourself. It's like anything - the idea of something and the reality are often quite different. But it will be fun! And a good learning experience. Congrats on your new adventure! 2
kendahke Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I'm just wanting to meet someone normal and see where it goes from there. focus on meeting someone compatible with you and your lifestyle. a mid-20's young woman probably isn't the wisest choice. 1
MidwestUSA Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I'm planning on meeting rejection, many of the women I'll talk to won't know a thing about me. I still have things i need to work on but I think i'm getting close to seeing what's out there. When I was married all those years it seemed like a taboo to even talk to a female so I don't have alot of experience carrying on conversations with women. I was hit on a few times while married and i still don't know if they knew i was married or not, but I just remember being super uncomfortable with it. I'm just wanting to meet someone normal and see where it goes from there. I don't think i'll be jumping into anything anytime soon As others have said, patience is key. I was divorced at 42. No kids to complicate matters however. Happily married at 50; three+ years and going strong. You'll throw a lot back into the pond before you get there. Best of luck! 1
kpl Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 My longest relationship was 3.5 years and I jumped right into dating and it was a disaster. I eventually met many other ppl I was with for 3, 7, 8 months. In the end I ended up mourning the relationship of my 3.5 years guy as well as all the other collateral damage...which took me another year. I wish I had taken a break a longer break at the time of my break up. Just be kind, give yourself a break, take things slowly and be warned that you may think you are more ready than you are. 1
introverted1 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 So I was married very young, for 20 years and had kids at a young age. I'm a professional and have one child at home who I have custody of, age 13. I'm 41 and in good shape physically and bring home 6 figures working at a stable goverment job where I've worked for 14 years. I'm getting ready to start dating but I want to be aware of the pitfalls. I'm not looking to hook up so much as looking for someone I click with and have the potential for a long term relationship. I would say the I'm above average in the looks dept. But was wondering, how difficult is dating for a guy of my age and how do women view having a kid at home in my situation? Logistically, if you have a child at home and the woman you meet does, too, you will have limited opportunities for sex, assuming you and she both believe it would be inappropriate to bring sexual partners into the home. I also think a mid-20's woman is too young for a 41 yo guy when there is a full-time 13 yo in the mix. When I was in my 20's I dated a 40's guy who was divorced. He had a 17 yo. My r/s with him was fine, but the idea of having to step-parent a 17 yo was not something I wanted to even think about. We broke up right at the point where he wanted to get engaged.
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