Confusioncreepsin Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Long time lurker and even though I have read every page, I need to feel advice coming directly to me. Please help me. I am a (42)M that dated a (32)F for 2 years. We were both separated and have kids (not together). Things were great until 6 months ago, when I found by accident that she was planning a meeting with a male friend (supposedly gay). I never got to meet him, but he was important to her so I knew they would talk and text many times. Anyway, I found out about their meeting on her phone when she wanted me to work on her phone (it was acting up). The item that stood out was "miss you body :)". I was like taken back for a second, but since I knew it was him didn't think much but I had to read it. Basically, he was trying to hookup a meeting with her, but she was trying to keep the conversation clean and changed the subject and asked why he was doing this on text. But it ended with her saying "just provide me date and I will make the arrangements like usual". What??? I took a snapshot of it since I learned that here and kept it...just in case. I waited to see if any irregularities would pop up (schedule, activities, etc). Nothing...so I chilled out and one night he called while I was there. She told me but had to go into another room to talk apparently. She did not want to discuss anything, so I proceeded to bring up the text I saw on her phone while working on it. She didn't flinch...and asked me to pull it up on her phone. When I did, the text was different??? We talked about it and she swore that nothing like that happened in text. He was just asking about business stuff...blah blah blah. I looked like an idiot to her at this point ...but when I brought out the snapshot she went silent. She deleted things he said but kept the "business" side of the conversation. When proof was provided...the sorry's and tears happened... Long story here, but I broke up over this not because of the friend but her lying about it to me. I went NC immediately. No contact for a couple of months, then she texts me telling me I am the love of her life, etc. It was well thought out and touched me. I thought I was ready emotionally to meet as she wanted to talk about getting back. We met and have a pleasant conversation but things were really off with her. She was kinda cold and it seemed almost like she was pressured about something. She said it was nerves meeting again. She was also scared I would cause her heart pain again. We agreed to try again and put the past behind us, but her attitude and actions were just not what they use to be. She was distant, LC, and non committal on planning trips, etc. Time passes and this does not change. I start to feel that there was someone else in the picture, just with the vibe I was getting. She would not let me come over to her place and would never say i love you when i did (not that i expect it but when it was normal before) She had a weekend trip coming up to visit a friend. I wanted to come by her place but she said she had to do chores before she left. She texts me and told me she was leaving. 2 hours later she has not left yet. I know because a common friend that lives across the street from her called me about something else. I texted her...no response. I called her...no response. I start to get a little worried so I drive over. I notice a strange car in her driveway beside hers but ignored it and rang bell....nothing. Now Im crazy. I drive back home and she then texts me that she was tired and going to bed. She would drive up in the morning. Spider senses went into full mode so I drove back (30-45 min) and her car is there but other car is gone..something is not right but I decide to drop it..I was being paranoid. I asked her to text or call me in morning so I can say goodbye before she leaves. No response again. Next morning, I pop up and drive over first thing to spend time before she leaves at 11. When I get over, there is the car again parked at 6am. So I decide to wait at our common friends house (perfect view) to see if the driver leaves..and HE does. I am crushed but try to maintain and continue to sit there dumbfounded. He comes out of her house and drives away. So I called her and she answers. I ask if she got my request to meet her and she said she texted for me to come over at a time where this guy left 30 min before. I told her I was already there and asked who was visiting...she said it was the yard man. yard man??? Seriously??? I laughed and said please be honest (since most yard employees would not be making house calls for 4 hour in the early morning on Sunday). She is silent and just hangs up. Texts 10 hours later saying i don't trust and I am insecure, and it is shame i think of her like that. We start a text tennis match and I finally give her the benefit of the doubt and drop it. We continue LC and I can't get this out of my mind but push forward and try to move it behind us. Plausible deniability right?? Could be a yard emergency... Two days later, I try to text, call to meet her to have an early dinner. No response all day. Nothing. I kiddingly left a messaging saying Im dying on the side of the road. Nothing. I go home. That night, I was laying down and my gut just drops. I listen to it and decide to get out the house and drive around. My suspicion gets the best of me and I drive her house 11 at night. Her car and the same other car in driveway. I think about this and decide to just go up and knock/ring bell. No lights are on, kids asleep she does not answer. I call from her porch, no answer. I call again. I text her and say I am outside. Nothing. I get in car and drive away freaking out inside my mind. She then texts me when I have left and tells me she is in the middle of an important item with work and I need to stop calling. She said her brother was with her (not brothers car) and he brought his friend with him. I was dead by that point since I was outside for at least 20 min calling, texting, knocking on the door (s) and ringing the bell. No lights on in any rooms...my heart just died. Nobody could answer the door. I told her never contact me again out of sheer rage. She then contacts me the next day and tells me that she loves me but since I can't trust her we can't be together anymore. She says she will always think of me but will honor my wishes and not contact me ever again. I am smart in terms of reading the great advice here, but dumb in matters of the heart. She is not remorseful, apologetic and what really hurts is that she will not even do the smallest thing to show me she even cares about US...even knowing that this is hurt me. I ask for your advice on how to handle this? Do I return to NC? She does not show me the slightest concern about fixing it...she just accepts it the way it is, projects the issues onto me and acts benevolent. I love her and want to trust her words, but she is not giving anything to work with me and resolve it. WTH?? I just can't understand if she was with someone, why not tell me instead of asking me to reconcile? HELP!!
kgcolonel Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 From the outside, I personally she did show you what you wanted in that she was absolutely horrible at lying and deception. Really, too busy with work items to answer her phone etc? I really hate to say it but her lack of deception skills was a big favor for you. You can clearly see what she was up to and her lack of remorse, acting cold upon you're getting back together etc. clearly tells you that in the end, she really didn't care and wasn't really committed to the R. This is tough news but from what you posted here, it looks clear as day. I would look for someone who will treat you with honesty, respect and affection, all those things you deserve. 2
Author Confusioncreepsin Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 Should I resume NC? She keeps texting me breadcrumbs and it has only been two days since I told her to never contact me again. Im back to day1 again in this whole mess and feel really low and bad...but don't know why. She has a way that gets into my mind...I was sitting here today thinking her stories were plausible actually....what is wrong with me?
Author Confusioncreepsin Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 I have typed up a letter that explains all this from my perspective. I want so badly to send it, but in the end she will probably continue to deny, project and turn it around on me. So I will just read it daily to remind me of the crap she pulled. I found out that before she left her husband she had an affair (exit) so her track record in not the best...I guess once a cheater gets addicted to HIGH, they have to keep the drug going...Guess I am/was her affair in our r. 1
Author Confusioncreepsin Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 Bump for more advice...I need help to make sure I am not insane...
CarrieT Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 You are not insane. She is Gaslighting you. Stay NC! 3
smuggy95 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 you are not insane. Even if you take out the car thing, and her history...she didn't reply to your texts, not even the joking 'I'm dead at the side of the road' She didn't care. That's bad enough. NOW, add in that you see a guy leaving the house....at odd hours. Yardman my ass...obviously that is a lie especially the second time around when you waited 20 min at the door. So it's a pretty strong case of her being a horrible girlfriend/wife/partner in life. Now let's look at your actions. You're a man who can be tricked, easily, because you have a gentle heart. Gentle hearts are good and all, but how can you be the man in any relationship if you cannot stand up to someone who lies to you? How can you take care of your family from this dangerous world if you're someone that can be tricked so easily? I suggest you work on yourself, on those issues, for your future wife who will deserve it, and deserve you. But until you become a man who doesn't fall for bull****.....you'll be stuck with ****. 4
lolablue17 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 You feel like you're insane because you were stung. She's robbed you. She took your ego and dignity by manipulations. She could have done it otherwise, but she made a choice to cheat, to lie, to deceive, and to hurt you. You are not the love of her life, because you don't treat your loved one like she did. I think you shouldn't have taken her back in the first place. But what's done is done and you have to deal with it. Ir seems that she doesn't like the situation that she's the bad guy, so she must turn reality to look like she's OK and you're the problem. You can send her a short text saying she was right all the way. Yes, you do not trust her, because you don't trust liars and cheaters. Tell her that you feel sorry for her next guy victim. you wish her happiness, like you are happy now. Basically you want life without scumbags around you, and you cleaned the dirt that she put to your life, so please please please, do not ever contact me again - you don't want to be infected again with her fleas. By insulting her you create a situation she may not like at all. It is crucial that you never answer to her texts after that. You should ignore any attempt to call you. I recommend blocking her so you wouldn't even aware she is trying. That is how you can regain at least part of your ego back. If you reply to her even just once, you will lose it again. 3
Felicite Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Of course you are not insane. I’m always surprised that people who have been caught saying lies or cheating, would have the audacity to keep cheating and try to gaslight you or persuade you that you are not the sane one (projecting all the way). You won’t win anything by trying to prove her wrong or by having a conversation with her. Sometimes these people suck you in this sick game, and they convince you so well that you’re the one at fault, that you forget what the reality of the situation is like. “yadda yadda I really love you but it’s your fault because you don’t trust me and you follow me around” lol She cheated in the past, she was caught lying, she was flaky and produced 100 excuses. Please don’t respond to her breadcrumbs and be strung along. You are interested in healthy and trustful relationships, and she was the one that has done all the cheating, lying, screening etc., and she can’t deny that she was telling you stupid excuses the last days. You could send the letter just to get it of your chest, but not whiny stuff and then put a full stop and remove yourself completely from the situation. If she really loves you she should work really hard to prove it. Sorry this is happening to you, I can relate.. But you have to be strong and protect yourself, even if you loved her, you will feel stronger in a while, and you will find a woman that truly takes you into account. 2
Christos Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 You are a very lucky man... I am very serious. VERY LUCKY MAN... Why? Because you dodged a bullet, in such a clear way, that it is impossible to have doubts and second guess the situation. So you can move on easily... She is a really, really bad person. BAD PERSON. She has no soul. And she never loved you. Such people, don't even love themselves, much less another person... You are very lucky to know all this for a FACT. I broke up after 6 years, and it drove me mad, because all i had were HINTS of infidelity, but never PROOF of it... So i kept second guessing, trying to find all possible problems, trying to get another chance, to make her come back... If i had known for a fact that she was a cheater, that would have saved me A LOT OF TROUBLE. 3
Author Confusioncreepsin Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 Thank you all so very much. I have to say I am not stupid, but I know how she operates herself watching her with others. She always made doubt my own eyes on things..I need to work on that. The gaslighting read was a perfect match for her deceit. I gave her my all, I was not needy but strong for her. I supported her efforts and tried to be a good role model for my kids AND hers. Then she gives me a sob story to try again, and I was not ready. Straight into hell I went. What hurts the most is the lies and not even TRYING to fix the problems. Constantly putting distance to me....I almost think it was a game where she wanted to hurt me to show me how much hurt she had when I ended it the first time. I decided to "respond" to her last gas lighting text from two days ago. I took your advice and told her I wish her happiness, feel sorry for the next guy victim, I am the garbage man and I just threw away my last pile of thrash from my life. I said I don't need her bs, lies and gas lighting and to NEVER contact me again but if she does I will be too busy and happy to notice anyway. Thank you so very much. I am in FULL NC again, day 1, but this time I have that illogical need fulfilled which was obvious cheating...stupid really in that her lies and LACK of remorse and LACK of even trying mattered most. 2
lolablue17 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 What hurts the most is the lies and not even TRYING to fix the problems. Constantly putting distance to me....I almost think it was a game where she wanted to hurt me to show me how much hurt she had when I ended it the first time. Of course she's not rtying to fix the problems. For that she first needs to take the bad guy role. And she probably just can't. I know how much it's hurt. Everyone is right here. You dodge sharing your life with a punishment you don't deserve. I wish you all the best. 2
Author Confusioncreepsin Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 Hahaha....Hit that one right on the head....she has to take on the bad person role. That will not ever happen. In over 2 years, I think she may have apologized about something in our relationship ONCE. That was when I broke up with her earlier. The past two days were REALLY painful to me...I constantly needed verification, wanted to drive by her house, crazy **** for me. I fought this off but what really helped was writing down all the negatives ( my mind will always remember the positives, but if not who cares right? ), write down the faults of her and read them EVERY time I start to think about the good times, especially in the mornings and evening when it tends to get harder. It has hurt really bad this time around simply because I gave up part of me to get back with her. I had to drop my values to do that. The higher the highs, the lower the lows are. If someone out there reads this, write down all the negative **** they did and keep it close. Read it every time you start to doubt things. Maybe its a bad way to think of NC, but look at NC hurting them deeply and that is why you WANT to do NC. You want them to feel your pain. Trust me, they do but remember we are working with unstable people and they will play it off, defer, project and pretend not to suffer. That is what helped me before and sadly now.
Author Confusioncreepsin Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 Not trying to throw diagnosis around, but this is a perfect snapshot of my life with the EX.... Female Sociopath | SociopathHell.Com
Author Confusioncreepsin Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 Not that I am trying to be evil (yeah), but does NC drive sociopaths crazy?? I would love to learn that I am helping myself and not helping her.....
Christos Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 It is too early to call her a sociopath. You have to calm down, become detached, and then try to find out what she really were. Also, be fearful that you are not the sociopath, because this type of people always PROJECT. I have more than valid reasons to suspect my ex of being a Borderline with some measure of NPD thrown in, but each step of the way as i read the signs i kept looking into ME as well, just in case i wasn't the one with the problem... A true assessment, only a professional can make... And, whatever she was, NC is to help you move on. Forget about her. There is no reason to help her or harm her. She is out of your life. Spend your time and energy on another woman. 1
LoveIsMyReligion Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Lying and cheating? I would think you're mature enough by now to walk away from this and not look back. You know for a fact that she's cheating but your ego won't let you believe it. You want this girl and relationship to work out so badly that you try to trick yourself into not seeing the obvious... Stop wasting more of your precious days on this earth pining over a girl and relationship that will never work. 1
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