siriusp Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Some of you will know my recent story of a wonderful one night stand with someone - we made plans and then he disappeared. I got very upset about this and couldn't understand his behavior. Why make plans with someone if you are just going to disappear? Anyway he got in touch and it turns out we were having exactly the same thoughts - all is well. What I have learned is this: I thought I would never ghost anybody because it is horrible. But looking back - I have done it many times without being really aware of it. In the last few days I actually contacted several guys that I ghosted and apologised for my behavior and explained. I got several 'thank you' messages! I wouldn't have made plans with any of these guys but - what would happen is the following: I would be talking to them and having a nice conversation and they would be clearly enjoying it.... lots of fun etc. For them it meant more than it did for me - I would feel them and how 'happy' they were to meet me and I thinking it is bad manners to lead them on - I would just not chat to them much anymore. I was never aware of what I was doing to them. It is something done automatically. I am glad I've had this experience to become aware of a behavior that isn't nice and to change it. It is also a great learning experience. When someone doesn't feel for you the way you do for them - or when they think you are clingy - they will just disappear. They are not really thinking about your so they are not really aware that they are causing you pain by just disappearing. I am not sure if I am explaining this well or if it will help anybody that is having problems with this issue. Anyway I don't really have any questions but I am curious to hear what experiences others have with this.... 1
MoreAmore Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I accidentally ghosted on a guy once. I wasn't that interested when we had been out on quite a few dates and I meant to reply back then time passed and eventually it was awkward, and that was that. Months later, I did apologize. He was suspicious of my motives, but I told him I want nothing from you and you owe my nothing; I simply wanted to apologize for how I treated you. It was wrong. Have a nice life. 1
katiegrl Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Some of you will know my recent story of a wonderful one night stand with someone - we made plans and then he disappeared. I got very upset about this and couldn't understand his behavior. Why make plans with someone if you are just going to disappear? Anyway he got in touch and it turns out we were having exactly the same thoughts - all is well. What I have learned is this: I thought I would never ghost anybody because it is horrible. But looking back - I have done it many times without being really aware of it. In the last few days I actually contacted several guys that I ghosted and apologised for my behavior and explained. I got several 'thank you' messages! I wouldn't have made plans with any of these guys but - what would happen is the following: I would be talking to them and having a nice conversation and they would be clearly enjoying it.... lots of fun etc. For them it meant more than it did for me - I would feel them and how 'happy' they were to meet me and I thinking it is bad manners to lead them on - I would just not chat to them much anymore. I was never aware of what I was doing to them. It is something done automatically. I am glad I've had this experience to become aware of a behavior that isn't nice and to change it. It is also a great learning experience. When someone doesn't feel for you the way you do for them - or when they think you are clingy - they will just disappear. They are not really thinking about your so they are not really aware that they are causing you pain by just disappearing. I am not sure if I am explaining this well or if it will help anybody that is having problems with this issue. Anyway I don't really have any questions but I am curious to hear what experiences others have with this.... So did you guys make a date? When will you be seeing him again, and do you plan on having sex with him again when you do? Call my cynical but am not buying his story of having the same thoughts as you....and THAT is why he disappeared for a month after having sex? What does that even mean -- what type of thoughts was he having? That YOU were ghosting him? Come on, you don't really believe that, do you?
Author siriusp Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 It's weird but I wasn't really aware of mine - or the (possible) effects of it..... until it happened to me. It has only happened to me once.
Zippy2000 Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 It's weird but I wasn't really aware of mine - or the (possible) effects of it..... until it happened to me. It has only happened to me once. Im similar to you. I was you and I was naive. I ve learned from it and now I can say "sorry but youre not what Im looking for" helps people to move on and give them closure. Another member had a thread on ghosting: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/549963-ghosted-after-three-good-dates 1
Author siriusp Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 So did you guys make a date? When will you be seeing him again, and do you plan on having sex with him again when you do? Call my cynical but am not buying his story of having the same thoughts as you....and THAT is why he disappeared for a month after having sex? What does that even mean -- what type of thoughts was he having? That YOU were ghosting him? Come on, you don't really believe that, do you? Actually a few weeks ago - he thought I was ghosting him - because of the tone of my messages and the fact that I didn't respond for days when he said something important.... (I was really busy). The thoughts: That we will be friends but that's it...... Of course I still think about the sex with him but I will not have sex with him when I see him. I want a friendship and so does he. We spoke about this yesterday! We hope to meet each other in another country next week... although I am not sure if I will have enough time. I am going to try to make the time.....
Author siriusp Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 Busy doing what? lol No one is too busy! OH... I am. I work on projects and sometimes I work 18 hours a day everyday for a while and then later take time off..... so I will be very busy.
Nikki Sahagin Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I have ghosted and been ghosted on. When I ghosted, it was because I was too cowardly to be direct about the situation. One guy that ghosted me got in touch months later to apologise and explain that he really did like but that he had got out of a bad relationship and didn't feel ready and was afraid to tell me. He apologised, I accepted and we left it there. I realise that not everyone that ghosts is a bad person. It is either indifference or cowardice. We may think we are losing a great catch but actually a person who ghosts is a coward at the heart of it and no-one would want a partner with cowardice as a quality. It is always a blessing in disguise. 3
Author siriusp Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 I have ghosted and been ghosted on. When I ghosted, it was because I was too cowardly to be direct about the situation. One guy that ghosted me got in touch months later to apologise and explain that he really did like but that he had got out of a bad relationship and didn't feel ready and was afraid to tell me. He apologised, I accepted and we left it there. I realise that not everyone that ghosts is a bad person. It is either indifference or cowardice. We may think we are losing a great catch but actually a person who ghosts is a coward at the heart of it and no-one would want a partner with cowardice as a quality. It is always a blessing in disguise. That is exactly what I thought about a week ago -but then after really thinking about things - I realised that I had ghosted people - without being aware of it! That is why I made this post. I was oblivious to my own behavior. 1
Nikki Sahagin Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 That is exactly what I thought about a week ago -but then after really thinking about things - I realised that I had ghosted people - without being aware of it! That is why I made this post. I was oblivious to my own behavior. Yes, me too! It's easy for us to see the bad in other people but harder to see when we do it, usually because it doesn't feel 'bad', just scared or indifferent. It helps us all to see the bigger picture 1
jam.over.jelly Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Ahhhhh, karma's a b*tch. I ghosted on a really nice guy once, I don't have his number anymore, and I want to apologize to him . Just wish I still had his number .
alphamale Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I have "ghosted" a lot of girls. I've traced the root cause to not wanting to get too close to a woman. 2
jam.over.jelly Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I have "ghosted" a lot of girls. I've traced the root cause to not wanting to get too close to a woman. I hope after you know how we all feel about being ghosted, you should just tell them that you aren't ready for anything too serious instead of vanishing. 1
alphamale Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I hope after you know how we all feel about being ghosted, you should just tell them that you aren't ready for anything too serious instead of vanishing. that's probably a good idea but being too honest means no nookie
jam.over.jelly Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 that's probably a good idea but being too honest means no nookie There are girls out there that aren't looking for anything serious. So instead of deceiving girls that are, how about you actively look for girls with the same intentions as yours? 1
joseb Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 that's probably a good idea but being too honest means no nookie Im not interested in anything serious. I let girls know this immediately. Sure, i may lose out on a few by doing this, but the payback in feeling good about being honest and knowing the ones that agree to see me are on the same page is more than worth it. 3
Toodaloo Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I actually don't see anything wrong with ghosting at all. Either when its done to me or when I do it. 99% of the time its just because you can't find anything to say anyway so why worry about it. I don't.
Author siriusp Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 I actually don't see anything wrong with ghosting at all. Either when its done to me or when I do it. 99% of the time its just because you can't find anything to say anyway so why worry about it. I don't. I think it depends on - where you were with the other person. If you made plans with the other person and then suddenly disappear - I think that is unacceptable. If however you just have a few dates - talking and so on but no plans or nothing else - then big deal. Looking back - I tend to do it when I can 'feel' the guy getting too 'happy'.... or excited to know me - when he doesn't really know me. If I smell desperation - I'm gone! What this thread is about is the effects it has on the other person. If they believe there is something there - when it's not - they will have expectations and then get disappointed.
Toodaloo Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Siri that can happen at any time though. Its just the same as thinking you have found this really great person then discovering something completely vile about them... I met this guy, got on really well with him and really liked him. Then after time I discovered how selfish he actually is. He couldn't get his head round why I would "waste" time, effort, money and resources on my charity work. He just didn't understand it. He was terribly intelligent and could do something to really change the world but couldn't be bothered as he didn't see what was "in it for him"... It was like someone had just got nail varnish and poured it all over the paintwork of a nice new sports car... Don't fret about it. There is no point in analyzing it because it can happen at any time for numerous reasons. Yes when people do it when you have a date booked its bloody annoying but would you really want to go out with someone that damned rude anyway? Thats the question you have to ask... answer is no... so save your stress for those that are worth it. Out of interest why on earth would you ghost on someone that is pleased to go out with you? Happy to see you is not the same as desperation! 1
h0000 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Actually a few weeks ago - he thought I was ghosting him - because of the tone of my messages and the fact that I didn't respond for days when he said something important.... (I was really busy). The thoughts: That we will be friends but that's it...... Of course I still think about the sex with him but I will not have sex with him when I see him. I want a friendship and so does he. We spoke about this yesterday! We hope to meet each other in another country next week... although I am not sure if I will have enough time. I am going to try to make the time..... OP can you explain a little more how did he think you were ghosting on him? And why did you think he was ghosting on you? Because you don't take one unanswered message as "ghosting". You'd have to send out few unanswered messages (at least 2) to then realise this person is ignoring you/ghosting. So you must have ignored few of his messages (not just one "important message") or I doubt he really thinks you were ghosting on him-he is just seeing multiple girls. And did he ignore more than one of your messages for you to think he was ghosting you? If so I'm more convinced he is just seeing multiple girls.
Author siriusp Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 OP can you explain a little more how did he think you were ghosting on him? And why did you think he was ghosting on you? Because you don't take one unanswered message as "ghosting". You'd have to send out few unanswered messages (at least 2) to then realise this person is ignoring you/ghosting. So you must have ignored few of his messages (not just one "important message") or I doubt he really thinks you were ghosting on him-he is just seeing multiple girls. And did he ignore more than one of your messages for you to think he was ghosting you? If so I'm more convinced he is just seeing multiple girls. The message he sent was mid conversation and - I didn't respond for a few days. I couldn't....long story. That was probably not very nice but it was unavoidable. He also saw that I read it and it was about him coming to visit... There was a few messages that I didn't respond to for days..... and he did the same - but the last time he didn't respond for weeks!!! Later he explained this to me- so now everything is clear. We will not be having a relationship but hopefully we will have a friendship. I know he has serious rejection fear issues and I suppose he might have thought I was gone because I disappeared a bit - like the example above. But the reason I think it - is because after a gap of about week - no communication - we started chatting again and on that day he made some comments about my behavior also that he was happy that we were in touch again and that now he was certain we would meet again - he seemed happy.
Toodaloo Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Siri Don't worry about it all. Love and romance is weird as heck. Not hear the stories of people who are friends for 30 years then meet up and remain happily together for ever more? There is just no telling how things will work out nor with whom. The best thing you can do is keep your own life full of things that you enjoy. Enjoy going on dates and stay happy and content within yourself. Don't take any messing around but equally just let things sit and marinade for a while sometimes. You can just never tell. He probably figured that you were just not all that into him. There are loads of books that say don't text too much or you must do this or that etc... What they miss out is that the most attractive thing is the world is a confident partner who is fully aware of their own worth and has decent boundaries. By the way this also works well with friendships and work relationships as well... 2
Author siriusp Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 Siri Don't worry about it all. Love and romance is weird as heck. Not hear the stories of people who are friends for 30 years then meet up and remain happily together for ever more? There is just no telling how things will work out nor with whom. The best thing you can do is keep your own life full of things that you enjoy. Enjoy going on dates and stay happy and content within yourself. Don't take any messing around but equally just let things sit and marinade for a while sometimes. You can just never tell. He probably figured that you were just not all that into him. There are loads of books that say don't text too much or you must do this or that etc... What they miss out is that the most attractive thing is the world is a confident partner who is fully aware of their own worth and has decent boundaries. By the way this also works well with friendships and work relationships as well... What a nice post. And all true. I mentioned in another thread that I recently discovered an illness that I will have to deal with - this has made me think about what is really important. It helps put things in perspective.
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