Guyouthere Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Look at your friends who are cycling through relationships or getting divorced; chances are there is a selfish person involved. Eleanor Roosevelt said "It is easy to slip into self-absorption and it is equally fatal. When one becomes absorbed in himself, in his health, in his personal problems, or in the small details of daily living, he is, at the same time losing interest in other people; worse, he is losing his ties to life. From that it is an easy step to losing interest in the world and in life itself. That is the beginning of death." We are a product of our beliefs and entitlement beliefs are self destructive for creating happiness in life. The idea that you are fascinating to others and your needs should be met at the expense of others can create a death of relationships. Cycling of friends for a self-involved person is a sign of pure denial of not being able to make a friendship work because of lack of friendship maintenance skills. 3
Gaeta Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Eleanor Roosevelt said "It is easy to slip into self-absorption and it is equally fatal. When one becomes absorbed in himself, in his health, in his personal problems, or in the small details of daily living, he is, at the same time losing interest in other people; worse, he is losing his ties to life. From that it is an easy step to losing interest in the world and in life itself. That is the beginning of death." Actually I think you should fall in self-absorption for a time. Concentrate on your health, solve your personal problems, find happiness in small details of daily life, stop thinking of others and the why and the what. Find interest in yourself than maybe you will see your worth and will find someone worthy of you. 5
neowulf Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Look at your friends who are cycling through relationships or getting divorced; chances are there is a selfish person involved. Eleanor Roosevelt said "It is easy to slip into self-absorption and it is equally fatal. When one becomes absorbed in himself, in his health, in his personal problems, or in the small details of daily living, he is, at the same time losing interest in other people; worse, he is losing his ties to life. From that it is an easy step to losing interest in the world and in life itself. That is the beginning of death." We are a product of our beliefs and entitlement beliefs are self destructive for creating happiness in life. The idea that you are fascinating to others and your needs should be met at the expense of others can create a death of relationships. Cycling of friends for a self-involved person is a sign of pure denial of not being able to make a friendship work because of lack of friendship maintenance skills. Equally, you can't take care of others if you are in a bad position yourself. Relationships are fluid *negotiations* between individuals, not iron clad contracts. Is it selfish to want to get your needs met? Should you forgo your needs for the sake of someone else? If that's the case, why are their needs more important than yours? Or vice versa. That's why communication and negotiation are KEY skills in successful relationships. The ability to give and take, knowing that while sometimes you'll come up short, on the whole it'll balance out. Some people are clearly selfish, but then it falls to you to identify them and remove them from your life. They can't take from you if you refuse to give. 3
autumnnight Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Balance is the key. One extreme OR the other is unhealthy.
carhill Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 How many Ghandi's or Mother Theresa's do you know? Myself, not many. Most people operate in their own self-interest and that's underscored by the advice often seen not to let people suck one dry of whatever because they will if we let them. That's simply the id satisfying itself without regard to anyone or anything else. I've come to see it as normal behavior. Of course, people lubricate it in socially acceptable and often charismatic terms, sure. That's part of the suck. If everyday life is like that, why should intimate relationships be any different? Get selfish or get left behind. Of course, if one doesn't mind getting left behind, OK, maybe the view is nice back there. I think I got my first lesson in that before my male parts worked in a reproductive way. Slow learner, got left behind a lot. It didn't help that I had a real Mother Theresa (actually her name, 4th grade teacher) for a role model. Heh...
RecentChange Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I am selfish. My personal interests, health, mental well being, etc come first. It's one of the many reasons I refuse to consider having children. I know for the most part I am my own highest priority. That said, I don't cycle through friends, I have a small handful of close friends who have been with me for a very long time. Acquaintances, "party" friends come and go, but my core is consistent. I have maintained a relationship - that come the end of the month will have reached 15 years. Sure, there have been some ups and downs, and times I very much set myself aside because he did need me to carry him a bit.... But overall, I am my own whole, complete person, and he is his own - with his own interests, goals and needs. I will also note that while very out going, I am intrinsically an introvert. I am quite content going long periods without socialization - I must have large chunks of alone time weekly - and have literally spent months in a cabin in the woods with out another soul - I joke that I would be happy being a hermit in the woods. So for me at least I reject the notion that loosening of social ties leads to a disinterest in life. Guess she wasn't a fan of Walden.
MoreAmore Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 We shouldn't bail on our commitments with the smallest provocation, but it is no mighty virtue to ignore our happiness and wisdom at the idea of staying connected at all costs. Some things are not the best of all possible futures.
StocksnBlondes Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 (edited) OP ...it's clear you are processing the experience of your relationship with the person you were most recently involved with on these pages. Hugs to you ...I can see you're in a world of hurt. So much great advice has been given to you here by many caring and intelligent people (and most give the advice in context of your relationship but also in general terms). I dearly hope you absorb the words on these pages, find healing with them and ultimately feel peace. I believe you were given the opportunity to help someone, did a great job with that and it's done now. When you do find peace and the door on your wound closes, another door will open and you'll be wiser. Ask yourself what you want from a partner and a relationship ...and there are good woman out there ...that are close to your age...so keep your heart and mind open but protect it from narcissists, scammers etc etc. Dating in this day and age can be daunting. And in response OP to cycling of people ...I as others have said can be selfish ...but also giving. I have friends from grammar school, high school college jobs etc etc. Some are not long term friendships ...it's difficult to keep up with everyone all the time. Just last night I got a call from a friend I went to pre med school with. Hadn't talked with him in 8 months. Busy times. But we spent 2 hours on the phone catching up. He and his wife are great people. Still there are people who I see every few years and we have a similar interest but it's just too difficult with schedules and such and sometimes people don't gel well together like talking all the time. C'est la vie. Edited October 3, 2015 by StocksnBlondes 2
Recommended Posts