magda Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 In my current relationship with my fiance I never call friends up and talk about all the dirty little details of our problems (not that we have a whole lot of them). In past relationships, I haven't kept much a secret, but those were obviously relationships that didn't work out. So maybe it's me being self-righteous again, but I'm starting to think that that is a huge problem for relationships. I know that if my fiance were to gab on the phone to a friend about some immature little fight we had, I'd be pretty irked. I'd feel uncomfortable hanging out with whatever person was the "ventee" as well because I'd feel judged without a fair trial. I feel like talking about our intimate problems is betraying the sanctity of our relationship. Whenever some kind of fight breaks out or discussion needs to be had - we have it out. And it gets resolved really quickly before any resentment builds up or the situation gets blown out of proportion in my feeble mind. Again, maybe I'm just being self-righteous - or unfairly comparing my relationship (of 2 years) to one that's lasted years longer, or is otherwise an orange to my apple. Thoughts? How many long-term happy couples vent the details of their problems? I mean like saying, "so I said, blah blah, and she got mad because blah blah. I don't want to blah blah just because she thinks blah blah!!" You know what I'm talking about.
alphamale Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 venting your relationship problems to other third parties is not recommended in my book unless it is to trusted indivuduals who are very close to you. this is because people have a tendency to talk and gossip. if you tell one person eventually the whole neighborhood will know what is going on with you two. people, especially females, love to talk about other couples problems, yak yak yak.
Author magda Posted May 18, 2005 Author Posted May 18, 2005 I totally agree. Some men do it, too, though. I know somebody who has never had a great relationship and talks about the little issues in them constantly. What I'm curious about is, is it the chicken or the egg? Do the problems exist because of the talking? Or are they talking just because of the problems? I think it's both and I think, at least in the case of this guy I know, it's worse because he talks about it to everyone else. I don't know for a fact, but I assume he's telling everyone "she said this and I said that" because he's not saying it to her. It's pretty lame. And no matter how trusted the individuals are - unless the relationship is seriously south and you need help and options for getting out - I think it's harmful to say personal details. Because then you're opening things up to someone else. It just leads to resentment and a confusion of communication. Plus, in my experience, if I just talk to him about it, we're through it and beyond in an hour or so.
EnigmaXOXO Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 My partner and I feel the same way you guys do! Of course, in the beginning "getting-to-you" phase, we would bounce our concerns off of family and friends. But as our relationship strengthened we relied less and less on others and began learning to communicate with each other. It's really funny how it worked, but somewhere along the line we somehow became each other's best friend and closest confidant. I now trust my partner with my feelings, fears and secrets more than I have ever trusted any of my best gal pals or relatives. I think if I ever had a problem that I couldn't resolve by talking to my partner…my next best sounding board would be my Mother. But in the event that she might be somewhat partial, I would probably come here to an anonymous forum and allow the good folks here to help me sort out my thoughts. This way, it would have no effect on our real lives outside of cyber therapy. If that didn't work, then I suppose there'd be no other choice but to drag our butts into counseling and pay for some professional feedback. As a matter of fact, we were just saying the other day that the best indicator of how your partner feels about you is not always what they say 'to' you, but what they say about you to others when you're not around.
Mz. Pixie Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 To me, it also enforces the bad feelings that you may already have. Also if you end up staying with that person your friend may have bias towards them forever- this is especially true of parents! I never vented about my exh (except to two or three very close g/f's) so when I left him everyone was shocked. I never vented to my dad. He was shocked. I guess maybe I should have vented more because he really got the bulk of the sympathy because everyone was so freaked out that I was unhappy enough to leave. I never acted unhappy on the outside. I have one close female friend now that I bounce things off of, that's it. My bf doesn't do it much either. We really don't have many issues so that's probably part of it though. I always think you should build your partner up to other people!
RecordProducer Posted May 19, 2005 Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by magda How many long-term happy couples vent the details of their problems? I believe most women do that with close friends or relatives. But they probably pick one or two people, not all of them. I think the real question is how many couples are really happy? It's different when you suffer and complain in front of people who understand you. It's like therapy. I tell my mom everything and sometimes she gives me bad advice, but sometimes I really benefit from her experience and wisdom. I can't imagine not having her informed of almost every detail of my life. My dad lives in another country so he doesn't know every detail, but he basically finds out everything from me sooner or later. I don't confide in my friends though. I don't have any close friends, except some email pals.
johan Posted May 19, 2005 Posted May 19, 2005 Sometimes it seems like it would help to talk to someone, but I've found that it doesn't really help. First of all, it's really hard to tell someone everything about what's going on so that they exactly get it. Second, whether they get it or not, they don't usually have any better ideas than I have about what to do. Third, they almost always either take my side and I think they don't really understand her, or they take her side and I think they don't really understand me. I do try to get advice about practical stuff from friends. Sometimes I have to find out if what I'm going through is totally crazy. Loveshack is good for that. Sometimes I have to find out if I'm wrong to feel/think how I do. Loveshack is also good for that. But revealing personal stuff about your relationship can be a betrayal. And it can show weakness of character. If I need to talk about my relationship, the only person it makes sense to talk to is her.
alphamale Posted May 19, 2005 Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer I think the real question is how many couples are really happy? very few R.P., I guess that is just part of the human condition.
JadeStar Posted May 19, 2005 Posted May 19, 2005 I have right many female friends, however I only have one close one that I share things with. I see nothing wrong with talking/venting to a close friend about things. I have found that sometimes its good to have another to lean on, and that in talking with my friend she has some of the same problems/views/suggestions that I do about my relationship, as she does her own. I do think its important to talk with your spouse or s/o about things going on in the relationship, however sometimes especailly in my case, if I'm the one that communicates, and he doesn't, then its good to talk to a friend. Yes we have been to counseling to about our problems etc, but sometimes no matter how much counseling you have if the other one isn't willing to talk about things, then yes its good to have a friend to lean on. To each there own though. Jade
tiki Posted May 19, 2005 Posted May 19, 2005 My conflicts with my Husband stay in our home, between us. I'd give him a knuckle sandwich if I found out he was spilling the info on our emotional outbursts elsewhere. I'm sure he'd expect the same from me. People never forget. You may forgive your SO, but that doesn't mean someone else has to, or will. Always remember that. I feel like unless you're being abused, keep your drama to yourself. To drag someone else into it, only creates MORE drama. Once you blab personal info, it's wasy to 'pass the point of no return'.
whichwayisup Posted May 19, 2005 Posted May 19, 2005 I think the real question is how many couples are really happy? NOONE is happy all the time, so obviously couples aren't always happy either. You can't rely on your partner to always BE the one to make you happy. Have up days and down days, but I think most couples live a normal beat day to day. Nothing too exciting and nothing too bad. Just inbetween and life is easier without all the drama. My bestfriend tells me waaaay too much than I need to know. Honestly it makes me think less of her husband - I personally think he's a real prick! BUT, my friendship with her is with HER, not him. He'll never know how I really feel about him - As long as he treats me with respect (which he has) there's not going to ever be a problem. I tend to hold back more, and I only give her small details. My hubby is pretty private and I know he wouldn't like me discussing certain things with her, or anybody else closely connected to us. HE does know I post here, and is totally fine with it. He knows the way I am and feels if it helps me or I'm having fun, why not.
EnigmaXOXO Posted May 19, 2005 Posted May 19, 2005 I suppose it depends on the kind of partner you have. If you're with someone who doesn't take the time to objectively listen, or cares enough to fairly work out the issues with you, then I can understand needing to turn to a friend or family member for support. But I agree that often times dragging your friends and relatives into your personal dramas doesn't always have the desired results. What usually happens is that people choose sides and now everyone is all up in your business. Depending on what you say … or how often you 'bad mouth' your partner to those in your social circle can unfairly prejudice their opinions against them. How many of us would feel comfortable knowing that their partner's best friend or parents thought ill of us because of something nasty our partner said about us in private when they were angry or upset. Would you feel comfortable inviting those same people back into your home again knowing they were looking at you side-ways? The biggest breach of trust or "betrayal" is when you discover that your partner has been slandering you unfairly to that platonic opposite sex friend or co-worker who may not be wholly happy with their relationship situation either. THAT breeds trouble. Originally posted by RecordProducer I think the real question is how many couples are really happy? I think the odds are in favor of those couples like Magda who are fortunate enough not to have many unresolved issues and have the emotional maturity and mutual respect for one another to work out their problems as a "team" without the need to go out and recruit more players for the defense. Great topic, Magda! Thanks!
Author magda Posted May 26, 2005 Author Posted May 26, 2005 I suppose it depends on the kind of partner you have. If you're with someone who doesn't take the time to objectively listen, or cares enough to fairly work out the issues with you, then I can understand needing to turn to a friend or family member for support.Yeah, I totally agree with that. I thought of something I can't talk to my partner about... his family. I thought about venting to someone, but then I realized that won't solve anything. At most I will receive validation. And it is scary to think what certifying and stamping my annoyance would do to my current ability to be pleasant and tolerant.
blind_otter Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 I talk a lot to my friend R about my relationships. She was a sounding board and a support when I wasin my abusive relationship, and during my breakup, and after when I was single, and now in my current relationship. She's like my best friend, we talk about everything and bounce stuff off of each other and are of like minds about most things. She also complains about her relationship(s) to me. Honestly, though, I have issues and I have always fought a lot in my relationships, until the current one. I don't think it's about whether you talk things out with another person. It's all on you and your partner, talking it out with a close friend or relative isn't a big deal. What about therapy? Does that count?
Recommended Posts