katielee Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I started a new quest - be more vulnerable and reach out to someone new each day and give them a compliment, a warm fuzzy, whatever, because honestly, I think we need more of this in the world. Hubby's best friend (more like a Dad figure) came over the other day and he told us about how his son got drunk at an NFL game and they got in a physical altercation. Son is... an alcoholic and popped his Dad one and Dad fought back. We knew this kid was sick and we are his Dad's friends and he just told us how it went down and how heartbroken he was over it. Our hearts were with him too. Friends sometimes need to share hard hard things with each other to get support. I told hubby later how very glad I was that people can be vulnerable with us. That I am struggling with this with one of MY friends, something is going on in her life and she is grumpy to the point of borderline abusive to other people, including me. But she won't tell me what is going on and this I don't understand. She knows everything about my imperfect life. So this morning I asked hubby didn't he have IC this week? He said he did yesterday. I asked is there a reason he doesnt' tell me about it? (He seriously tells me everything else going on in his day) He said he just gets tired of talking about it, he's not sure if it's helping anymore, and he told his IC that he thought we were doing pretty well. He hoped that was true. I said I thought it was but I still have bouts of anger. He said he did as well. I have therapy next week. I tell him when and a little about what we talked about, because I want him to KNOW ME, is that so freaking hard to listen to? Here's the thing - if he doesnt' want to talk about it, the most hurtful thing in our lives - then I'm in a marriage where I have to keep my mouth shut and I am DONE with that. That's what is was like BEFORE all the affairs. And sure, we can have all the positive experiences we want but that is not meeting my need of occasionally talking. I asked myself what payoff am I getting by talking about it. I want him to know I'm still hurt. Why do I want him to know that? Because maybe he'll treat me better. But he already treats me well. I don't want him to forget that I am still not good with what happened. Why? I'm sure he's not good with it either. I want him to appreciate sacrifice. He says he does. Ugh. I can't get at my core need to talk. Any advice? 2
autumnnight Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 It's not about the same subject, but I understand this. I have this same feeling about 2 or 3 things in my life, one of which happened 5 years ago, but I still have dreams about it. I don't know exactly what it is I want either. Vindication? An acknowledgement of wrong? I think part of me really wants the impossible - for it to be different/not to have happened. And no matter how impossible I know that is, I STILL just want it to be different. I asked myself just a couple of months ago about one of these things: Autumn, what is your end game? I didn't have an answer. I just knew I couldn't completely let it go. It feels like...stepping off a cliff into some weird unknown. I hope you can find some answers. And if you do, please share them. 1
Author katielee Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 It's not about the same subject, but I understand this. I have this same feeling about 2 or 3 things in my life, one of which happened 5 years ago, but I still have dreams about it. I don't know exactly what it is I want either. Vindication? An acknowledgement of wrong? I think part of me really wants the impossible - for it to be different/not to have happened. And no matter how impossible I know that is, I STILL just want it to be different. I asked myself just a couple of months ago about one of these things: Autumn, what is your end game? I didn't have an answer. I just knew I couldn't completely let it go. It feels like...stepping off a cliff into some weird unknown. I hope you can find some answers. And if you do, please share them. thanks Autumn!
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I think there is a difference in "talking" as in sharing conversation...and in depth soul searching discussion. I can certainly understand that sometimes...when we bring it to the forefront....it becomes Raw and consuming....especially if we are in a "correcting" mode. We have an advantage because we are both here on Love shack....and it opens doors for us to have the opportunity to "discuss" infidelity in general...rather than getting into specifics.....and then as the conversation continues...we may offer something from our own relationship. Sometimes...it also brings it too close to the surface...and it becomes extremely personal....but i don't think that's always a bad thing. Have you discussed his joining a forum?
Author katielee Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 Thanks Mrs. JA. There is no way he will spend one more second of his time on what happened.
Red123 Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I started a new quest - be more vulnerable and reach out to someone new each day and give them a compliment, a warm fuzzy, whatever, because honestly, I think we need more of this in the world. Hubby's best friend (more like a Dad figure) came over the other day and he told us about how his son got drunk at an NFL game and they got in a physical altercation. Son is... an alcoholic and popped his Dad one and Dad fought back. We knew this kid was sick and we are his Dad's friends and he just told us how it went down and how heartbroken he was over it. Our hearts were with him too. Friends sometimes need to share hard hard things with each other to get support. I told hubby later how very glad I was that people can be vulnerable with us. That I am struggling with this with one of MY friends, something is going on in her life and she is grumpy to the point of borderline abusive to other people, including me. But she won't tell me what is going on and this I don't understand. She knows everything about my imperfect life. So this morning I asked hubby didn't he have IC this week? He said he did yesterday. I asked is there a reason he doesnt' tell me about it? (He seriously tells me everything else going on in his day) He said he just gets tired of talking about it, he's not sure if it's helping anymore, and he told his IC that he thought we were doing pretty well. He hoped that was true. I said I thought it was but I still have bouts of anger. He said he did as well. I have therapy next week. I tell him when and a little about what we talked about, because I want him to KNOW ME, is that so freaking hard to listen to? Here's the thing - if he doesnt' want to talk about it, the most hurtful thing in our lives - then I'm in a marriage where I have to keep my mouth shut and I am DONE with that. That's what is was like BEFORE all the affairs. And sure, we can have all the positive experiences we want but that is not meeting my need of occasionally talking. I asked myself what payoff am I getting by talking about it. I want him to know I'm still hurt. Why do I want him to know that? Because maybe he'll treat me better. But he already treats me well. I don't want him to forget that I am still not good with what happened. Why? I'm sure he's not good with it either. I want him to appreciate sacrifice. He says he does. Ugh. I can't get at my core need to talk. Any advice? No advice to give but the examples you gave make total sense to me as the reason you want to talk about it still. Just curious, is there a part of you that is hurt that he doesn't want to talk about your affair?
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 and you know you just answered your own question then right? There is no way he will spend one more second of his time on what happened. You are harboring resentment toward him because of this...and I don't blame you. It sounds to me like your honey feels like he is where HE wants to be...and wants to have closure. and you are still searching...... and I hate to be the one to break this to him....but this never goes away. IT gets better....life goes on.....but it is now a part of life...and there will be times that certainly things need to be discussed. If for no other reason...for reassurance. I try often to reassure my husband that i still understand what i have done....not as a penance.....but just to reassure him I have not forgotten and i love him. It is hard to explain.....and i am often misunderstood that i live my life in humble subordination....I don't mean that at all. I just want him to know...that i KNOW. 1
Author katielee Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 No advice to give but the examples you gave make total sense to me as the reason you want to talk about it still. Just curious, is there a part of you that is hurt that he doesn't want to talk about your affair? yes.. I welcome opportunities to talk to him about my affair so he can see how my thinking has changed and maybe that would make him feel better/safer. I have worked hard. 1
66Charger Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 (edited) yes.. I welcome opportunities to talk to him about my affair so he can see how my thinking has changed and maybe that would make him feel better/safer. I have worked hard. What if the simple answer is that all your hard work has paid off? What if it is a simple as he believes in you now. I read something you wrote about "needing a man" your man, and I was VERY impressed. If my woman truly felt that way, I would feel safe. You may not be there, but perhaps he is, thru your actions. Maybe its time to set that aside for a few years and just love each other and to have a little peace. Edit: someone posted a thread called loving where we are , but missing the drama" Hope that isnt you. Edited October 1, 2015 by 66Charger 2
autumnnight Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 For me, I think part of me is afraid that if I let it go, if I "forget," that it will blindside me. The other shoe will drop. And I honestly am not sure I could withstand it. When I was little, I used to pray every night, and I would list every possible bad thing that might happen and ask God to protect me from it. It was a long list. Because I just knew if I left out, say, fire or tornado, THAT would be the thing that happened. Part of me thinks if I stay vigilant that I can keep "it" from destroying me. But staying vigilant is exhausting, and after awhile it begins to rob you of things.
Author katielee Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 I don't feel vigilant or robbed. Hmmm, I feel like I want to be able to discuss my inner most thoughts with my best friend. I do more talking about things here than with him. And that doesnt' seem right to me.
autumnnight Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I don't feel vigilant or robbed. Hmmm, I feel like I want to be able to discuss my inner most thoughts with my best friend. I do more talking about things here than with him. And that doesnt' seem right to me. I am probably projecting...or maybe using YOUR thread to express stuff (sorry). It sounds like you want to be able to talk when you need to talk Not that it will happen every day, but when it DOES, you don't want to feel "guilty" about what you need. I have to wonder, if he was more open to talking, would you need it as much? Sometimes it's a person's willingness that make the difference.
Author katielee Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 I think so... right now, I know if I wanna say something, I better prepare for a battle. and that's is NOT the way to do things. Maybe I should just write things down.
m.snow Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Just Communicate! It is of utter importance that you are able to tell your husband about what you are feeling! In any relationship Communication is the Key. I want something with your, Husband tell him.
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Katie... You could also just be over complicating and over thinking. Maybe you just need to let go a little.. Maybe you are frightened to just let go and see what happens? 66 it was her thread you are referring to.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 So this morning I asked hubby didn't he have IC this week? He said he did yesterday. I asked is there a reason he doesnt' tell me about it? (He seriously tells me everything else going on in his day) He said he just gets tired of talking about it, he's not sure if it's helping anymore, and he told his IC that he thought we were doing pretty well. He hoped that was true. Do you mean tell you what went on in IC or mention that he'd gone? Some of the work done in IC is between patient and therapist. While you might get the benefit, you don't necessarily get all the details... Mr. Lucky
Author katielee Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 just to mention he'd gone... it seems odd that he doesnt' mention this, I have to bring it up, when he tells me about every other part of his day.... but the fact that he spent an hour talking intimately to someone else - ugh.
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Do you think maybe he just doesn't want to talk about his sessions? Maybe he doesn't want to share some of the things he shared there? 1
Mr. Lucky Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 just to mention he'd gone... it seems odd that he doesnt' mention this, I have to bring it up, when he tells me about every other part of his day.... but the fact that he spent an hour talking intimately to someone else - ugh. I'd gently suggest this sounds like you missing the drama, to paraphrase your other thread. You know he's going, he knows he's going, why does he have to tell you he's gone? I'll bet there's bigger hills to climb... Mr. Lucky
Author katielee Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 (edited) He has spoken often of not going back. I knew he had an appt (not sure what day) but didn't know if he was still planning on going, keeping the appt or stopping. Also, I have asked for one thing from him- honesty. Not fidelity, honesty. It seems- like it's keeping something from me, especially if he tells me everything else he does... Edited October 1, 2015 by katielee Added sentence
autumnnight Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 He has spoken often of not going back. I knew he had an appt (not sure what day) but didn't know if he was still planning on going, keeping the appt or stopping. Also, I have asked for one thing from him- honesty. Not fidelity, honesty. It seems- like it's keeping something from me, especially if he tells me everything else he does... I may be totally off, but there was a time in my life where I was going to IC very regularly, and I had a lot of "stuff" going on. IC was supposed to be the safe place to get the help I needed to be better everywhere else. My then H would encourage me to share, BUT, invariably when I did, if it was something to do with him that could in any way be construed negatively, he went off. I never mentioned exactly when my appointments were because I didn't want to possibly have to talk about things. I am NOT saying that was right, just explaining why I was sometimes vague with my counseling schedule.
Author katielee Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 I just ask how it went. He says good or I don't really want to talk about it and I leave it at that.
autumnnight Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I just ask how it went. He says good or I don't really want to talk about it and I leave it at that. In that case it doesn't really make sense. Unless it is passive aggressive somehow, which would bug me.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I just ask how it went. He says good or I don't really want to talk about it and I leave it at that. Why is that exchange important to you? Mr. Lucky
Author katielee Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 Why is that exchange important to you? Mr. Lucky I guess two points of reference - as a WS, I hope he's getting some benefit in talking to someone and I feel, if he's not talking to me, at least he is talking to someone and if it goes well then I'm happy for him. He said what I did changed his personality and I hope he has lots of help, if he needs it, getting him back to where he's comfortable with himself. As a BS - I hope they are working on coping strategies, FOO issues, whatever gave him the green light that gave himself permission to have affairs. Because there was no real change in actions or personality - most WS change a LOT - I have no gauge to determine if he is a safe person or not. People say to watch actions. Well, they are no different than before or during. It makes me feel safer to know if things are being addressed in IC.
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