Author guest569 Posted October 11, 2015 Author Posted October 11, 2015 Ah well, I lasted 3 weeks. Texted him and now feeling a bit sick, I don't want a reply and I don't want him to ignore me. I don't get why I would do this, I am not going to get any reassurance from him because he will probably just BS and if he ignores me I feel even worse. Basically he has given me an explanation and I have to take his word for it. None of the details or the how and why matters, just makes everything worse.
Author guest569 Posted October 11, 2015 Author Posted October 11, 2015 Just start NC again Smiley. We all slip up. He probably won't even reply despite apparently still wanting to see me.
Hope87 Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 He probably won't even reply despite apparently still wanting to see me. I'm on Day 12 myself. I don't believe in implementing NC forever, but my policy is if you're going to break it, do so when you're emotionally stable. That way you're able to deal with the outcome without having a meltdown, whatever it may be. Admittedly I've broken NC twice ) actually three times) with three exes after a period of 1-3months of silence and actually got some pretty positive results. I don't recommend it though because every situation is different and unique. You're not healed yet nor have you reached the point of indifference so you must resume NC. We all have slip-ups so don't be too hard on yourself and please keep us updated regarding whether or not he responded etc.
Author guest569 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Posted October 12, 2015 I'm on Day 12 myself. I don't believe in implementing NC forever, but my policy is if you're going to break it, do so when you're emotionally stable. That way you're able to deal with the outcome without having a meltdown, whatever it may be. Admittedly I've broken NC twice ) actually three times) with three exes after a period of 1-3months of silence and actually got some pretty positive results. I don't recommend it though because every situation is different and unique. You're not healed yet nor have you reached the point of indifference so you must resume NC. We all have slip-ups so don't be too hard on yourself and please keep us updated regarding whether or not he responded etc. I will most likely never get to the stage where I should - takes me a very long time to reach indifference. I don't think I will ever hear from or see him again which just goes to show what type of person he was if he will just ignore me like that. Shows how much he actually cares. He seemed very kind and sweet when we were dating. What do you mean by positive results?
ScienceGal Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 I will most likely never get to the stage where I should - takes me a very long time to reach indifference. I don't think I will ever hear from or see him again which just goes to show what type of person he was if he will just ignore me like that. Shows how much he actually cares. He seemed very kind and sweet when we were dating. What do you mean by positive results? Long before indifference, you can get to a place where you love and respect yourself enough to maintain NC. I want nothing more than to reach out to my ex to say a million things and ask two million questions. But, for what purpose? I know hearing from him will provide nothing positive in my life. I know we can't go back to where we were. Instead, I say all I want to say out loud and let the universe take all that energy. You have no control over him or the separation. But you do have control over the choices you make for yourself and your own life. Take that power and do something good with it. 2
Author guest569 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Posted October 12, 2015 Long before indifference, you can get to a place where you love and respect yourself enough to maintain NC. I want nothing more than to reach out to my ex to say a million things and ask two million questions. But, for what purpose? I know hearing from him will provide nothing positive in my life. I know we can't go back to where we were. Instead, I say all I want to say out loud and let the universe take all that energy. You have no control over him or the separation. But you do have control over the choices you make for yourself and your own life. Take that power and do something good with it. True.. I think I am still in a bit of shock and denial that it has happened and just waiting for him to come back. I'm in exactly the same place as I was 3 weeks ago.
ScienceGal Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 True.. I think I am still in a bit of shock and denial that it has happened and just waiting for him to come back. I'm in exactly the same place as I was 3 weeks ago. It's ok to feel like you're in the same place you were 3 weeks ago. But, you are not in the exact same place. Healing is not linear, so you will feel up and down and all over the place. You will get discouraged that you're not moving on in a way you would like to. Just keep moving forward. Give yourself some credit. And don't contact him again. You'll get there. 1
mightycpa Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 I was led on,used,cheated and am pret hurt as a result and he gave me a glimmer of hope. All i could say is just "hope you're doing ok" which just so stupid cause he had put me through this and hurt me .Indeed. Why do we always do this? We want to be the better person, the doting jilted lover who expresses their love by reacting to rejection with love, more love. Aren't you just dying to say something like You ****ing ****-stick! WTF kind of person uses and cheats on people? A two-inch ****-stick, that's what kind! **** you and **** your life and go **** yourself, you worthless piece of ****. I hope you're doing ok in your little self-centered **** world of ****ting on people. Who's the latest victim in your life? Does she have any idea that you're a worthless piece of ****-stick ****? Maybe not yet, but one day soon, I'm sure she will. **** off!Sometimes it feels good to let that out, doesn't it? Ahhhhh...... 1
Author guest569 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Posted October 12, 2015 Indeed. Why do we always do this? We want to be the better person, the doting jilted lover who expresses their love by reacting to rejection with love, more love. Aren't you just dying to say something like Sometimes it feels good to let that out, doesn't it? Ahhhhh...... I am slowly getting slightly ticked off about it all, but yeah when I wrote that first post it was more, I felt really sorry for him. Cause I think he is a little messed up from his previous experience. But then, he clearly doesn't give a crap about me, so I shouldn't care too much.
Author guest569 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Posted October 12, 2015 Well he just reiterated and yeah he went through some pretty serious stuff and didn't wait long enough to date again and it's not about me. I think I need to just take his word for it and not listen to my stupid friends who make me feel like complete rubbish when they say he left me for someone else and all that.. or imply that he goes around doing this to people on purpose..ouch, it doesn't do much for my mental health to think that way. When it is probably not even true. I was just a rebound and I know how it goes.
Hope87 Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 (edited) I will most likely never get to the stage where I should - takes me a very long time to reach indifference. I don't think I will ever hear from or see him again which just goes to show what type of person he was if he will just ignore me like that. Shows how much he actually cares. He seemed very kind and sweet when we were dating. What do you mean by positive results? Re- establishing contact with them basically kick-started the reconciliation process, albeit slowly but definitely sustained. After initiating contact, I sat back and waited for them to make the effort, which they did. Again, I had healed for the most part and had gotten over the addiction to them, but I still cared enough about them to desire their validation...in a sense, I wanted to re-,gain the power back and to reject them or at least have the option to. Sounds very "gamely" but that's the truth. I will also admit that I have struggled with some self esteem issues as a result of some bad experiences. Really shouldn't require validation from an ex or an individual for that matter. Ego boost? Yes. Validation as to your self worth? No. With the first guy, he responded to my message but didn't pursue me immediately, he did so a few months later. He came back full on, apologised for hurting me, BEGGED me to take him back on numerous occasions. Pleaded with me to go out to dinner with him ( which I declined like a million times). There's really nothing he didn't do, went as far as telling me that I made him a better person, I taught him so many valuable life lessons, I completed him etc. I never took him back thought and I was pretty dismissive towards him. Told him I couldn't offer more than friendship. I have to admit, it made me feel good to reject the person who had inflicted so much pain on me and made me feel so small. The second guy: we reconciled but it was a terrible decision and indeed a destructive toxic relationship. He ended up dumping me several times and coming most times, until I said ENOUGH was ENOUGH. Spanned over a period of 2.5years. He's presently trying to get back with me and has expressed the highest degree of remorse ( since I met him) and sincerity in terms of his desire to offer meaningful commitment. He's asked me to marry him and to move in with him which I have declined because I know he's still the same person and hasn't dealt with his issues. He's aggressively pursuing me possibly because for the first time ever, he fears that he's lost me for good, and he's right, I will not give him another chance and he's in my past, for good. The third guy: I initiated contact and a month later he started showing signs of interested which have since escalated... he's asked me to hang out on multiple occasions ( which I've declined every single time except once), messages me regularly, checks up on me etc. It's worth mentioning however that before taking the decision to re-establish contact, I had reached a place of peace. Why then did I initiate contact you may ask? Because I was strong enough to take a gamble. It's also important to note that my exes were able to easily detect that I had genuinely moved on, in spite of my initial decision to reach out to them first. Tables were turned and I think my indifference towards them and in some cases, outright rejection spurred them further. You will heal and you will move on from this but you need to resume NC. You will get through this, you must believe this. You contacted him and he ignored you, on no condition should you contact him again. It says a lot about his person, which is what you must begin to hold on to, as opposed to the rose tinted memories of your relationship. Yeah, they usually become very nasty and mean after the break up. Some of the exes mentioned above were horrible. One went as far as blocking me and telling me he was happy with his new GF. . I never believed they'd come back. Never, ever Edited October 12, 2015 by Hope87 1
Author guest569 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Posted October 12, 2015 Oh he did respond though but i wished him well and that's the end of it.
Author guest569 Posted October 14, 2015 Author Posted October 14, 2015 And he didn't respond to that, have deleted his number but still hopeful that he will come back He is sticking to the original story and I guess I have to take his word for it, but I insist on questioning it and blaming myself and wondering why I am so repulsive and what I did wrong.
jen1447 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 And he didn't respond to that, have deleted his number but still hopeful that he will come back He is sticking to the original story and I guess I have to take his word for it, but I insist on questioning it and blaming myself and wondering why I am so repulsive and what I did wrong. Was this the original story? Well he just reiterated and yeah he went through some pretty serious stuff and didn't wait long enough to date again and it's not about me. There's a reason you're questioning it hon, and that's bc your intuition's telling you it isn't true. (And really, of course it's not true - couldn't get much more transparent.) This is why breakup lies are so damaging and it's better to just tell the truth - the dumpee always knows when they're being lied to. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to perceive most lies, but dumper's lose respect and regard for dumpees along with affection so their default assumption is that they're dumb and can be easily taken in with a lie, which will be easier for the dumper than the truth. Unfortunately the whole process is dehumanizing for the dumpee bc it just tells you very starkly how little they think of you, which sucks when you remember how highly they once thought of you. In his eyes, you're not particularly deserving of the truth or capable of handling it. Real shot to the old self esteem. Does that sound about right? Ok, tough love time ....guess what, it most likely really did have a lot to do w/you. It always does. I mean, it has to. No one in a relationship is ever there as a bit player, so for someone to decide they no longer want a relationship w/another has everything to do w/that other person. Obviously. Now the reality - everyone goes thru this at some time or other. So yeah it sucks, majorly, to be rejected, but everyone gets rejected sooner or later. So you're allowed to feel terrible about it and be angry at him doing this to you. But when you have the truth (even if he won't give you the specifics on it) you can get your feet under yourself again. You have the foundation for that elusive and mysterious thing called 'moving on.' 1
candie13 Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 I'm not gonna give you RS advice. I'll try to stay as factual and as scientific as possible with you. So... you wanna move on, right? But then you don't want to move on, think about him, talk about him, ruminate about him... and then wait, you wanna talk to him, because you miss him, right? Well, girl, step back and look at the bigger picture: you are doing this BY YOURSELF. So you're at your place and it doesn't help because you're procastinating... and you think being amongst people might help... so get your laptop and hit a nice cafe or a buzzing library! change of scenery, smell of coffee and ... people! Lovely. The other thing you should do is literally stop thinking about him. I mean mindful meditation - it teaches you to observe your train of thoughts and detach - or even thought replacement. Everytime you see yourself thinking about him, snap a bracelet and then think about something else - like plan your favorite holiday. Really, the best thing you could do is to stop ruminating about him - which is a faulty repetitive negative thought pattern - and replace those thoughts with something else, positive and beautiful. then... another thing... you keep thinking about him, he's nice, he's been through a lot, had to handle loads of tough things... My question to you is, when are you thinking about yourself? Really? When? Step back further and look at this guy and what he did: he was hung up onto someone else and instead of going though the pain, decided to date you instead. Is that fair to you or did he just use you? Where are you in all this equation? Are his actions towards you fair or did he use you mercilessly ? And most important, girl... is this the type of man you want to have? IS this the best you can do? Is this how you want to be loved? Really... step back and think about him and about you, making abstraction of the ex... To me, from the outside, it appears you're clinging onto him. Anything of his. The past. His ghost... why are you doing this? Maybe because you fear to be alone. Maybe because you fear to move on. Maybe because however painful the past is, you know it... whereas the future is uncertain. I think you are afraid to let go. It's got nothing to do with your ex. It's got to do with your apprehension of uncertainty. I know it... 'cause I'm similar . And I need to do all this mental exercise to stop lying to myself and make myself move on. As for your being in the same spot as 3 weeks ago... yup, that is correct. You are exactly there. And you'll keep coming back to that dreaded zero point everytime you contact him. And from what I remember, getting out of that zone is more and more difficult and painful, the more times you visit it. So do yourself a favor... keep NC. What really helped me keep NC was the mere thought that if I don't contact him, tomorrow I'll feel a little bit less pain than today. And so on. That's how I got out. The most difficult periods: after the 3rd week and after the 2 month. Be extra strong on those and you'll be ok. There isn't much you need to do, girl, other than holding that phone real tight into your hands and not dial his number. That's all. Keep it shut. By keeping it shut, you're working your way out of the maze. And trust me, in 3 months, you'll be as good as new. As if it never happened. It's that incredible. 3 months of NC and active not thinking. otherwise you'll be making countless of similar threads like these around here... and that's not even the point. The point is... this experience would have thought you something ... or not! Your choice best of luck, girl, whatever you decide
OK_computer Posted October 14, 2015 Posted October 14, 2015 Not a good idea Smiley............ Yea! What Morrissey said! 1
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