disbelief Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 like the title says. my gf of 3.5 yrs got colder and colder until she left and then ended up with the other guy 2 days later. they lasted 60 days and had sex and now she wants to come back. grass wasn't greener? im plan b? harsh part is we have a young son as well. she said that when she left she really believed she was never going to come back so it wasn't cheating. she said she left because our relationship was so bad. i did love her and gave her affection but she wouldn't return it. she thought that i always beat her down with my opinions. I debated a lot more then she does and she just goes silent and gets mad. she thought i oppressed her basically. but still, leaving your family for 60 days? the other guy was no good i guess and she figured out i wasn't so bad. were going to go to counselling and work on it but my question is: when someone leaves like that to pursue another relationship, could she do it again? or if we fix the problems can it be better? i was so heartbroken. trust is broken, hard to walk away from a family but i have been debating if I should walk vs trying to fix the problems. problems or not, can she be justified?
PinkDotsXOXO Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 In my opinion, because she did it once she could very well do it again. She has broken your trust. Trust is very easily broken and much harder to rebuild. Definitely go to counseling. Keep in mind that counseling will only work if BOTH of you want to make the effort and change what is negative in your relationship. If she isn't invested in counseling then in the end it will not work, in which case you should move on because she is saying that she doesn't think that your relationship is worth the time and effort to save. Best of Luck!
louxor Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 (edited) like the title says. my gf of 3.5 yrs got colder and colder until she left and then ended up with the other guy 2 days later. they lasted 60 days and had sex and now she wants to come back. grass wasn't greener? im plan b? harsh part is we have a young son as well. she said that when she left she really believed she was never going to come back so it wasn't cheating. she said she left because our relationship was so bad. i did love her and gave her affection but she wouldn't return it. she thought that i always beat her down with my opinions. I debated a lot more then she does and she just goes silent and gets mad. she thought i oppressed her basically. but still, leaving your family for 60 days? the other guy was no good i guess and she figured out i wasn't so bad. were going to go to counselling and work on it but my question is: when someone leaves like that to pursue another relationship, could she do it again? or if we fix the problems can it be better? i was so heartbroken. trust is broken, hard to walk away from a family but i have been debating if I should walk vs trying to fix the problems. problems or not, can she be justified? To me this isn't a case of the "grass is greener". Usually with these cases, the dumper will not return to the dumpee for a much longer period than 60 days, if returning at all (under 6 months and it seems a bit sketchy). With these, the relationship has the chance of being revived only if both people are 100% over the break-up when they re-connect, because then, they will not care if the decision is to try again or to not...because they are over each other to begin with. This is not the case for you at all because if you were over her, you would realise how much of a bad match she was for you and wouldn't even consider bringing her back into your life. Why? Because she basically swore to herself she'd never come back to you, left, got with another guy only 2 days later, realised it won't work with him only 2 months later, panicked as she didn't want to be alone and comes scrambling back to the closest thing she could think of - you, because she knew she has the power over you due to your feelings. Don't give her that power. Stand up for yourself and respect yourself enough to know you deserve better than her. Don't let a C grade woman control your decisions. You mentioned above several reasons why your relationship was bad, so why put yourself through it again? Do you really want your kid growing up in an environment with miserable parents who are always at each others neck? If not for yourself, do it for your son - he deserves to live in a happy, loving environment. You as his father are his biggest influence during these early stages and your actions will speak loudly to him, even if he doesn't quite understand it yet. Edited October 1, 2015 by louxor
Author disbelief Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 To me this isn't a case of the "grass is greener". Usually with these cases, the dumper will not return to the dumpee for a much longer period than 60 days, if returning at all (under 6 months and it seems a bit sketchy). With these, the relationship has the chance of being revived only if both people are 100% over the break-up when they re-connect, because then, they will not care if the decision is to try again or to not...because they are over each other to begin with. This is not the case for you at all because if you were over her, you would realise how much of a bad match she was for you and wouldn't even consider bringing her back into your life. Why? Because she basically swore to herself she'd never come back to you, left, got with another guy only 2 days later, realised it won't work with him only 2 months later, panicked as she didn't want to be alone and comes scrambling back to the closest thing she could think of - you, because she knew she has the power over you due to your feelings. Don't give her that power. Stand up for yourself and respect yourself enough to know you deserve better than her. Don't let a C grade woman control your decisions. You mentioned above several reasons why your relationship was bad, so why put yourself through it again? Do you really want your kid growing up in an environment with miserable parents who are always at each others neck? If not for yourself, do it for your son - he deserves to live in a happy, loving environment. You as his father are his biggest influence during these early stages and your actions will speak loudly to him, even if he doesn't quite understand it yet. but being with him as a family is a good thing right? if his mother and I can find a way to make it work then our son will have much more stability i believe
Orion39 Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I'm sure you are aware of the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" while that seems to hold true, I don't think that is always the case. There are so many things here that could be happening or that she was going through that she choose to walk away. I think the counseling would be a great start, both of you promise to be honest and find out what one another thinks and wants. It may also prove beneficial for you to set some boundaries of what is allowed now and in the future. What will you do if this happens again? What do you want to happen from this point forward? etc. You will know what boundaries need set and how to once again build that trust. Yes, as you mentioned it is broken but it can be reestablished once again. Prayers for your family, best of luck. 1
louxor Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 but being with him as a family is a good thing right? if his mother and I can find a way to make it work then our son will have much more stability i believe In the ideal world yes, this would be fantastic, but just going from what you have told us, I can't see it as a very likely outcome. If you do keep at it and do keep trying to make it work, just make sure you are fully prepared for it to fail, and if it does, be strong enough to be able to call it quits as soon as you feel it going down tp where it was before. On the other side, what Orion said could ring true as well. It all comes down to whether you are willing to risk you feelings being hurt again when the odds are against you.
Christos Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I told you in another thread: DO NOT TAKE HER BACK What part of it don't you understand? I am not a native english speaker, but i thought this was understandable... She will do it again. And again, and again. She is a bad person. This was not a "mistake". You don't abandon your man and have sex 2 days later by "accident". I know you will never listen to me or anyone else. You are too weak for that. You have showed this already in other threads. Things will become worse with time. Eventually, she will leave again. And you will be here, again , asking for advice... You are beyond help and have no self respect.... 1
PegNosePete Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 ended up with the other guy 2 days later. If you really believe she wasn't cheating on you - that she just happened to meet another guy and "end up" with him 2 days after leaving you - then I have a bridge to sell you. Wake up and smell the coffee my friend. She had this planned out long before she left you. could she do it again? or if we fix the problems can it be better? Of course she can do it again. She has shown that it is in her character. Can it be better? No, cheating never makes things better. It might get better than it is now, but it will never be better than if it had never happened. Once trust is broken things can never be the same again. 3
Author disbelief Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 (edited) She wasn't sleping with him 2 days later. That's just when they started hanging out. I don't think they slept together for over a month. Yes i coukd be dead wrong but this I what my gut is telling me and it's been pretty accurate thus far. The counsellor said when a relationship gets that bad it will kill the romance and I must admit it was bad for awhile, I was just never willing or maybe strong enough to walk away. I'm really thinking about my son here. I find it really hard emotionally to raise him as a single dad. His mother and I have a parent bond and know how to work with him. Deep down I know she was going to see if the other guy was better but guess what, he wasn't. Like I said . The relationship was bad for some time and it killed it for her to the point she walked away. There are parts of me that think she's a liar but there are also parts of me that can understand her view. The counsellor said her reaction although not justified was a knee jerk reaction to deal with her pain . The counselor also said to be wary of the advice on the fourms because generally people on here always come from bad experiences. There's just so many dynamics to understand in certain relationships. If my boy wasn't involved it would be a lot easier but my plan is to try again after some good counselling and continue to better myself so in the case it goes south again I will have a better foundation to deal with it. Am I nuts? Maybe. Live and learn i guess. Who knows. We could go to counselling and find out its never going to work. Well see. Edited October 1, 2015 by disbelief
PegNosePete Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 The counselor also said to be wary of the advice on the fourms because generally people on here always come from bad experiences. That is what brings most people here, yes. But the majority of long-time posters have healed from their bad experiences long ago, are now in happy relationships, and sharing their wealth of experience. You should be wary of advice from anyone, whether it's from a forum, a friend, or a councillor. You're perfectly entitled to either believe or disbelieve the advice from any of those sources. At the end of the day, that's all it is, advice. It's your life so you have to decide which advice is worth taking or not. 2
Author disbelief Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 That is what brings most people here, yes. But the majority of long-time posters have healed from their bad experiences long ago, are now in happy relationships, and sharing their wealth of experience. You should be wary of advice from anyone, whether it's from a forum, a friend, or a councillor. You're perfectly entitled to either believe or disbelieve the advice from any of those sources. At the end of the day, that's all it is, advice. It's your life so you have to decide which advice is worth taking or not. agreed. thanks.
David87 Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 She did it once ...... she will do it again.... thats my 2 cents. Its up to you:)
mightycpa Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 That is what brings most people here, yes. But the majority of long-time posters have healed from their bad experiences long ago, are now in happy relationships, and sharing their wealth of experience. You should be wary of advice from anyone, whether it's from a forum, a friend, or a councillor. You're perfectly entitled to either believe or disbelieve the advice from any of those sources. At the end of the day, that's all it is, advice. It's your life so you have to decide which advice is worth taking or not.That said, you can predict the likelihood of what will happen next based on what has happened before to other people in like circumstances. It doesn't mean that's what will happen to you in particular, but it does mean that you shouldn't be surprised if what comes next is typical. So what does come next? First, I think you have to establish the elements of your story that are common to many others: 1) Unmarried 2) Parents 3) >3 and <5 years 4) Fighting, stress, inability to get along happily 5) Breakup 6) Dumper GF dates/bangs somebody else 7) Dumpee BF cries/obsesses/gets desperate from loss 8) New man doesn't work out for XGF 9) XGF comes back; unclear about why 10) Now in couples counseling 11) BF harbors doubt; lack of trust If you're in counseling, I think it is safe to day that you're not both happy as clams right now. Your situation, your chances of this working out happily ever after doesn't look good when you put it in that light. I'm not going to give you advice other than perhaps you should step outside of your life for a little bit, examine your situation right now with a cold eye, and describe it in a way that allows you to analyze it dispassionately. There are a lot of blanks that need to be filled in. Counseling might be a good way to do that.
bubbaganoosh Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I debated a lot more then she does and she just goes silent and gets mad. she thought i oppressed her basically. What she did was wrong and now that she see's that the grass wasn't as green on the other side of the fence she wants to come back and if that's the way she handles problems then what's to say it wont happen again. I would be wary. You say you debated a lot more than her which in plain words means is you brow beat her to the point she left. My advice to you is if you want to make this work, then if you get into discussions with her, then make your point and end it. If you keep going on and on, your point gets lost and she tops hearing you. I can get to anyone.
dumbass2 Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 My advice, quite honestly, would be for you to give this forum a rest and stick with the counseling that you both are in, since you already made the decision to try again. As someone mentioned already, it is only advice you are getting on both ends and you make the final decision on things, just make sure you're not getting too much advice from too many different sources as that can make things a lot more frustrating for you in having to make decisions. Oh, and to answer your question on could she do this again? Most definitely and it's not a question of if, but when. 1
Author disbelief Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 Yes, brow beating would be a good way to put how I treated her sometimes. It's not that I didn't love her or give her affection because I did. She just lost romantic interest due to how are relationship became. The lessen for me is that it's not all about me and the lessen for her is you can't deal with it how she did. There has been sexual abuse, alcohol and cheating in her parents past. Can I really blame her? Or can I try to help her? Can I thank her for remembering my good points and wanting me again? We have a son, it's not easy to just bail despite everything that's happend. Am I hurt? Majorly. I went through hell and I'm sure she didn't care all that much because she was being taken care of. This is how she dealt with. She knows it's wrong, she can't even look at my parents in the eye now. I just need to take the high road and step to the side I think. Take it slow and work on myself and try to nurture the family and support her. Get away from my bull**** happens and try to enlighten myself and move towards happiness. It's a tough world.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 That is what brings most people here, yes. But the majority of long-time posters have healed from their bad experiences long ago, are now in happy relationships, and sharing their wealth of experience. You should be wary of advice from anyone, whether it's from a forum, a friend, or a councillor. You're perfectly entitled to either believe or disbelieve the advice from any of those sources. At the end of the day, that's all it is, advice. It's your life so you have to decide which advice is worth taking or not. Yeah dude I've been here previously from a past relationship that was a bit ago that I am completely over. In hindsight, it was the best thing that happened to me. I'm much happier now and have had a wonderful GF for the past 2 years and couldn't be happier. I'm here because I know what that feeling was like and I don't want to see it happen to others. What I see on your post is very common. Don't budge. Trust me on this, it's not worth it. Yeah, it sucks now, but it Will be better in the long haul. 1
Author disbelief Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 It wouldn't let me edit my last post. This is the corrected version. Yes, brow beating would be a good way to put how I treated her sometimes. It's not that I didn't love her or give her affection because I did. She just lost romantic interest due to how are relationship became. The lessen for me is that it's not all about me and the lessen for her is you can't deal with it how she did. There has been sexual abuse, alcohol and cheating in her parents past. Can I really blame her? Or can I try to help her? Can I thank her for remembering my good points and wanting me again? We have a son, it's not easy to just bail despite everything that's happend. Am I hurt? Majorly. I went through hell and I'm sure she didn't care all that much because she was being taken care of. This is how she dealt with it. She knows it's wrong, she can't even look at my parents in the eye now. I just need to take the high road and step to the side I think. Take it slow and work on myself and try to nurture the family and support her. Get away from my bull**** habits and try to enlighten myself and move towards happiness. It's a tough world.
Christos Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 There are many WRONG reasons to take back a cheater and/or try to fix a broken relationship, but the most wrong of all, is if it's "for the kids". This is BS. TOTAL BS. No, you should never compromise your happiness just because there are kids involved. First, kids can still grow up normally without their parents being together, if both parents agree to not let their personal problems affect their children. Second, growing up in a home were both parents live together but HATE each other is WORSE for the children. Much worse. Take your son out of the equation. After all, you will still be his father and support him, whether you live with his mother or not. Think about YOU, your PERSONAL feelings, your LIFE, your SELFESTEEM. This woman betrayed you. She believes you are a doormat. She will never say it to your face, but she has a really low opinion of you. She hates you, and will only use you for as long as it suits her. She will never be the same. She will make you hate yourself. I don't say "Don't forgive". I say "don't forget". She isn't wife material...
Jacobclassified Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 _-2-_ days.... that's 48 hours.. that shows you just how much she truly loved you bro. Let her go.
Author disbelief Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 thanks guys , i know, i know. her actions are ruff and i will be asking some very hard questions in our up coming counselling session. shes not out of the woods yet. we will see how badly she wants the family. im not going it make it easy for her to waltz in and out of our family.
Author disbelief Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 Speaking of questions to ask her at the counsellors, does anybody have any good ones? I need questions that are going to nail her with the truth. Things she can't answer without telling the truth.
mightycpa Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Speaking of questions to ask her at the counsellors, does anybody have any good ones? I need questions that are going to nail her with the truth. Things she can't answer without telling the truth.I can think of a couple: 1) Tell me the truth. If you tell me the truth, I will find a way to let it go, no matter what you say. You left me and were with this other guy in two days. I'm sure that you can imagine that from my perspective, it seems like you left me to be with him. Tell me the truth. Is that what happened? 2) Explain why you decided to come back and try again with me. (take notes... trying to rekindle, vs. realized the spark still exists - that's what you really want to know) 3) How would you feel if this doesn't work out between us? If it doesn't how long before you'd be ok with it? 4) My #1 fear is that you're going to quit on us again. I'm pretty sure that whatever you say to me, I will still have doubts. But I want you to try anyway. Explain to me why I can count on you not to quit on us again, and under what circumstances do you see yourself giving up on us? 5) If you could change one thing about me, what would it be? What would be the second thing yould change? 6) What would you say is wrong with us that we have to pay this counselor to teach us how to talk honestly and openly with one another?
harrybrown Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 (edited) Do not let her come back. She did cheat. She abandoned her family. Talk to your attorney and send her back to the OM. Ask her if she used protection. And is she pregnant? How many times has she cheated on you? with how many men? have her write a timeline and diary of all her affairs. Did she do things with the OM that she did not do with you? did she send any money to support her child while she was gone? How would she feel if you had an affair for that long? Why should you take her back? Send her away. go see your attorney. when is she leaving again? Edited October 2, 2015 by harrybrown edit 1
Christos Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 The counselor also said to be wary of the advice on the fourms because generally people on here always come from bad experiences. There's just so many dynamics to understand in certain relationships. LOL Of course he/she would say that... He/she gets paid from this... His/her best interest, is to make couples come back for more... And they don't want competition from forums... You know what the counselor didn't tell you? That most of the time, counseling DOESN'T WORK. And you know why? Because you can't fix people who don't want to get "fixed". They will just say "yeah yeah" and get over with it. IF they are ready to change, they can do this without a counselor anyway... Advice from forums is FREE. It comes from people who have EXPERIENCED the same thing you go through... And they are wasting their precious time, to help YOU free of charge, so you don't waste your life and make the same mistakes they did... I would take advice from forums like this much more seriously than what a paid counselor said...
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