airangel Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 (edited) Hi everyone, My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and the gut feeling of needing to break up with him has intensified over the last month. He is my first boyfriend and we are both 22 years old. While I love him, I feel that our future might hold more conflict since our perspectives and values are so different. I spent the past few days thinking about my gut feeling and I actually feel sick / anxious about staying with him. Here are the factors that have contributed to my gut feeling: 1. I'm a Christian, having grown up from a devoted Christian (14 years) family. He is not a Christian. He made it clear that he does not want his future children to be influenced by Christianity. I find it difficult to align myself with his values or approach to issues/ people. I constantly feel guilty about having sex as I wanted to save myself for marriage but he said that he would break up if the sex is bad or if there's no sex. I want to ask for God's forgiveness and feel like running away every time he wants to have sex. 2. My boyfriend is judgmental about my appearance. He constantly pesters me to go on a diet and go to the gym and tries to control what I wear. I'm not overweight. In fact, I'm 162cm tall and 56kg so I consider myself as average and healthy. I have my own taste in fashion but he would criticise and put me down for what I wear if it does not suit his taste. 3. I'm a serious dog-lover and I will be getting a new puppy with my family next week. But my boyfriend compares dogs to "entertainment" and refuses to let the dog inside in the future. He also wants me to be ready to sacrifice my dog for our relationship i.e. when I'm having a baby. He is also annoyed at the fact that we can't meet up as often because of my dog. This issue only occurred recently when we took care of someone else's dog as he "claimed" that he loves dogs. 4. I'm extremely busy and I recently received a full time teaching job offer for next year which means that I'll need to plan or mark everyday. On the other hand, he will be taking a gap year next year because he failed to get into the course. I suggested for him to get a job or do another course but he just wants to take a rest and play games all day. Our life directions are changing - I'm becoming more independent / busy while he is becoming less ambitious / lazy. I just can't find the motivation to prioritise our dating time over my graduate uni course, my full time job and time with my puppy and family. On the other hand, he gets angry every time he feels that he comes second to other things in my life. 5. He wants to control our marriage life - he told me that I'll need to listen to his decisions in our future marriage and that my earnings would go to his account (while I have no savings) while he will give me a credit card/pocket money. I believe that we should have separate accounts and a joint account for paying bills etc but he won't compromise. 6. He does not like my parents and their relationship is quite distant. I was extremely annoyed when he said that in the future after we get married, he'll give his mother a credit card but will only give my mother cash because he thinks that he can't trust my mother in spending money wisely. The scariest thing is that I feel relieved by thinking of my life after breaking up. Now I know what I need in a future relationship (i.e. Christian, shares similar interests or hobbies, no sex before marriage, dog lover). My parents and siblings approve of my decision because they believe that he never really 'fitted' into the family, which is why they never really invited him over frequently. What do you guys think? Should I follow my gut feeling? Do you regret breaking up with you bf/gf due to gut feelings? How should I break this news to him, considering that he thinks I'm "the one". Edited October 1, 2015 by airangel
louxor Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 In this situation I think your gut feeling is correct. Sure there are some things on that list that would be easily overcome if you two loved each other enough to deal with them - The dog thing, the busy career, time for yourself etc. However, these little ones, in my opinion, are far outweighed by the serious matters: - Your high value in religion VS his low value in it - Your high value in saving sex till marriage and guilt for not doing so VS his low value in it. - Your career is progressing while his is stagnating. (With the three above neither of you are right or wrong, you are just different. However these differences seem a little too large to overcome with compromise. E.G you can't really change someone's religious views) The comes the matters are just straight up bad and should be avoided in a partner: - His judgments that he passes on your body and style. These are not constructive comments nor are they out of concern (say if you were overweight, which you aren't). This comes off to me as a lack of respect for your individualism from his part. - Same goes from his comments on the marriage and bank accounts - a lack of respect and a over-controlling nature. - The fact he doesn't like your parents. I'm assuming nothing bad has happened between them and him, so going off that it just seems like he lacks respect for them like he does you. So after all that what would I suggest? I would suggest going if your gut and leaving him. Your differences appear to be far apart for much else to come from staying with him, and the image of his lack of respect for you and your individualism is quite predominant. Have a think about it, you yourself said "I feel relieved by thinking of my life after breaking up", so why are you not persuing the thing you already know is right?
Author airangel Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 So after all that what would I suggest? I would suggest going if your gut and leaving him. Your differences appear to be far apart for much else to come from staying with him, and the image of his lack of respect for you and your individualism is quite predominant. Have a think about it, you yourself said "I feel relieved by thinking of my life after breaking up", so why are you not persuing the thing you already know is right? Thank you for your response! I guess it was harder to see those issues clearly back then when you're blinded by love and you think they are not too problematic until you start thinking more rationally and see what the future entails. I'm not pursuing this at the moment because I want to wait after he finishes his exams, which is in one more week. However, I want to lessen the blow and I've never been in a relationship before so do you have any suggestions about the best approach or how to break the news to him?
Jacob_Duluoz Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 This guy sounds like a real jerk, you should break up with him sooner rather than later. All 6 items would suggest he has a future in domestic violence due to his controlling and manipulative nature. If you break up with him, make sure to do it in a public place (like a park) where help can be summoned since he's going to react badly. Bring a friend along to have your back! You sound like a very decent, nice woman and this guy sounds like a loser and an *******. Good luck.
louxor Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Thank you for your response! I guess it was harder to see those issues clearly back then when you're blinded by love and you think they are not too problematic until you start thinking more rationally and see what the future entails. I'm not pursuing this at the moment because I want to wait after he finishes his exams, which is in one more week. However, I want to lessen the blow and I've never been in a relationship before so do you have any suggestions about the best approach or how to break the news to him? If you want to lessen the blow just say you've been thinking about it and it's obvious that your future selves share very different paths, so you don't see any reason to stay, then tell him why. But you don't owe him the 'kind' break up considering he's been a jerk.
mightycpa Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Tell him you've been thinking about him and thinking about the dog. Him, dog, him, dog, him, dog. Tell him the dog won for the simple reason that the dog likes you the way you are, and you feel like an improvement project for him, and that you're not interested in his version of improvement. I think you just have to be matter of fact about this. Don't worry about his feelings, he'll get over it.
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