Is it possible to remain friends after an emotional affair/flirting?

October 1, 2015

Since you're still in the early phase of the relationship with your BF when all is shiny, new and good, why are you so desperate for the attention of another man?

Mr. Lucky

I don't want to call it me being desperate for attention because I distanced myself for a while from him and then he started to contact me on various social networks by commenting all over my pictures and whatnot and I ended up responding and that's why I am where I am now, I suppose.

October 1, 2015

Instead of asking an anonymous group, ask yourself this question.

Can a married man who has crossed the line with his spouse control his emotions?

If he can't control what he does on his wife, why would he have any more control over what he does with you?

October 1, 2015

Also I'd like to say that after I told the guy I was keeping my distance from him but I had attraction that is when he said his attraction wasn't physical all like that (meaning he didn't want to bed me) but it was intrigument.. in which I respected.

October 1, 2015

Would you respect your BF if he responded as you did here?

October 1, 2015

I also now remember that when I first met him, I didn't find out he was married until 3 months after texting! AND i had to ASK!

Once he also said he felt I was a challenge and he liked challenges... But it seems like he may have had a change of heart down the line? Perhaps?

October 1, 2015

Would you respect your BF if he responded as you did here?

Probably not... That's why I came here because I want advice. I don't want to no longer entertain this man... And I haven't in almost 2 weeks. I just want to stick to my guns if he contacts me again... I am no longer on social networks so there is no way for him or anyone to contact me unless they have my number... In which he does.

October 1, 2015

he is grooming you for the kill... once you are smitten he will ease you into the sex part and you will not be able to stop yourself...

He of course wants to have sex with you right now but knows he has to wait till you won't say no...

and the idea that a man can be friends with a woman he had an EA affair with and not want to have sex with her is too far fetched to believe.

October 1, 2015

My provider, Verizon, offers the ability to block phone numbers, a limited amount for free. If your provider does the same, simply enter his known numbers and block his ability to contact you. After awhile, most men move on to greener pastures of interaction. Sure, some are persistent and will try work-arounds. Still, taking measured steps to ensure NC can achieve your goal, if no contact is your goal.

October 1, 2015

Get an app that blocks calls and texts such as Mr. Numbers. Sprint also allows you to block people for free.

October 1, 2015

I prefer to talk to you when he's not around

And you would want to be friends with a man who says this to you...why?

He is slime. He is putting on an act. He is grooming you. He has all the time in the world.

And regarding his comment about it only being when your bf isn't around:

Decent men do not subject the object of their affection to such harm. Decent men would not place a woman in conflict with her marital partner, family, children, friends and community… or with herself. Men who engage in such activity tend to be working towards their own sexual gratification over the needs of the woman. The approach then, often involves a process of grooming towards the sexual encounter. The man pursues, the woman resists, the man continues and escalates displays of affection and adoration, and the woman succumbs. The period of grooming will depend on the vulnerability of the woman and the intensity of the pursuit. Guilt and shame are the most common of feelings when the intoxication of the moment subsides and the woman is left to ponder the experience.

If a fellow truly admires a married woman, in the first place he wouldn’t compromise her marriage, family or integrity, but in the event feelings deepened and were mutual, he would resist the relationship so that the woman could choose how to deal with her marriage first – without the complications imposed by an affair. In the event the fellow is also married, his transgressions are threefold; one against his spouse, the other against the married woman as described above and the third to himself. He has also participated in self-demeaning behaviour.

Affairs are about anything but love. Romance has nothing to do with it. Harm to the participants and bystanders is an inevitable conclusion. Hardly the example anyone would want for their children.

No wonder affairs only happen in secret.

http://www.yoursocialworker.com/p-articles/affair-love.htm Edited October 1, 2015 by turnera

October 1, 2015

More about grooming:

A “groomer” skillfully plays with words, learns to identify what the perceived victim wants to hear, and uses this knowledge, for personal gain, to direct and to keep the focus of her attention exclusively to meeting his emotional and physical needs — at the expense of her own.
A groomer takes pleasure in skillfully causing pain to increase his sense of control in keeping her anxiously focused on not upsetting or angering him.
To a woman or teen, it can feel confusing, and is. It is a form of thought control known to jam up the otherwise amazing critical thinking capacities of human brains.

Why does emotional grooming work?

An emotional groomer would not be anywhere near as effective, however, were it not for complementary cultural conditioning that paves the way for women from girlhood to be at risk of falling into the mind traps. As a complement to the notion of rightful male dominance, the same cultural forces emotionally groom women from girlhood to believe one or more of the following:

To believe in romanticized notions of female passivity and accept these as norms.
To believe their value and worth as human beings, unlike men’s, is based primarily on meeting the needs of others, i.e., husband, children.
To hold that a good woman, according to this doctrine, never looks to her own needs, and that only “selfish” women do that.
To think it’s their job to meet men’s need to feel more important, entitled, etc., and thus, to behave like children, dependent, helpless, in need of men to take care of them, protect them, make decisions for them, etc.
To regard women who do not “know their place” bad, evil or dangerous to society, emasculating or hurtful to men.
Thus, to accept the notion that a ‘real’ man ‘should’ subdue women who do not know their place, much like parents do in response to unruly or disobedient children.
These expectations naturally promote distance and a parent-child type of relationship that, from the start, has no chance of developing into healthy emotionally intimacy. Safe to say, this is also a training that indoctrinates women into codependency behaviors as norms.

Eroticized Dominance ? Emotional Grooming, Predatory Behaviors As Cultural Norms? | Neuroscience and Relationships

Another - even better to YOUR situation:

How Friendships With Married Men Become Affairs
In all my years of coaching, I’m still amazing how many times women come to me with this major issue: Falling in love with a married man!

And the story always starts the same way. “There’s this amazing guy. We get on sooo well, and he makes me feel like no other man. I know he’s married and I shouldn’t get involved, but we’ve only gone out for dinner. It’s all very innocent really…”

That’s about the time the guy makes his play.

Right from the start he tells you what an amazing friend you are, and how great it is to have someone he can talk to properly. You love it, and you think to yourself, “See, talking. We’re doing nothing wrong…” But suddenly things start to develop. He starts acting differently around you. Before you know it, he’s making a move on you.

He pounces ever so slyly. He makes you feel special. He makes you feel unique. You’ll hear him say things like, “My wife never listens to me like you do.” Or, “She really doesn’t get me anymore. You don’t know how good it is spending time with someone like you who does.”

He’ll peer lovingly at you from behind his glass of Tempranillo, and he’ll gently brush a hair from your forehead. It’s like love kryptonite for most women.
Yes, at first glance he looks like the caring Husband and Father. He tells you he doesn’t mind that his marriage isn’t passionate anymore. He’s so evolved as a man, he doesn’t crave wild, dirty sex these days.

He talks about how it’s more important to have a great Mother for his kids, than a passionate sex goddess because, “that’s just what happens in marriages.”

He’s trying to convince himself of this. And when you think about it, it’s sad. He’s miserable, frustrated, and lonely, yet he tries to convince himself he’s where he wants to be. Really, he wants to escape and he sees you as his exit plan.

So how do you protect yourself from a man like this from the beginning? The first sign is he’s very strong on the fact “I just want to be your friend. Nothing else OK?”

That’s like a kid looking at you and saying, “I didn’t do it!”

t’s a dead giveaway. These guys are never only friends with you. They’re friends with you because they’re attracted to you.

It always starts with an emotional affair. He’ll make you feel like you’re meeting for some sort of business arrangement like, “Let’s grab some dinner and talk business,” or “Do you want to get a drink after you finish work?”

He’ll flirt very innocently, but here’s the truth…this apparently happily married guy is far from happy.

He’ll make you feel good about yourself. He’ll sent flirty little texts to make you think about him. It will seem like you’re chatting to a female friend most the time. In reality, he’s grooming you for an affair.

Quite often these men will even tell their wife about you. He won’t hide you, in a bid to make both you and his wife feel comfortable with the whole “friendship.” I’ve met tons of these guys over the years. They talk a great game, but they’re not happy. They had some amazing ambitions, but never believed they could achieve them. Now they’re unfulfilled and unhappy.

Watch out!

Don’t fall for their compliments. They’re never going to end it with their wives. They want an affair. They want an escape. They don’t care whether it’s sexual, emotional, or a little of both. Watch out for these signs.

Ask yourself what it is about these men you’re attracted to. Perhaps you’re feeling unfulfilled in your own life, and you’re attracting men who feel the same about their own life?

The people coming into your life on a daily basis are a great measure of what’s happening inside of you. If you find yourself getting hot and bothered over the friendly, sweet guy in the wedding ring, have a look within yourself and see WHY you’re attracted to him.

Then run. Run in the opposite direction and never look back. If a man isn’t available, walk away. It’s the best thing you can do for everyone concerned. Instead, find yourself a relationship ready, single, sexy, and desirable guy who’s desperate to date YOU!

How friendships with married men become affairs - PattiKnows | Patti Stanger

October 1, 2015

You need to get far away from your addictions.

Your relationship with him is an addiction.

Until you block him from your phone, and tell your boyfriend the truth, there will be a time when you are weak and the addict will go back to the horrible problem.

No contact forever, or dump your bf now.

and tell him about your addiction.

October 1, 2015

There are several threads with the same kind of theme running through them here on LS...similar situations....of texting, etc.

I just have one more thing to say about this "story". Anything you do behind the back of your partner...without their knowledge...non business conversations on the phone, texting, meeting for back rubs, going to the mall, sexting,......I repeat...ANYTHING.....is cheating.

If you are talking to this man...and you let your partner see the complete texts....or e mails, or recorded phone conversations.....and your partner is ok with it...then go ahead. But if your partner is purposely being kept in the dark...if you are hiding things...then you have to ask yourself WHY?

and the reason is because you know what you are doing crosses the line in your relationship...and you are cheating.

YOU have the power to stop...it is very easy to block a number from your phone and from your e mail. You have not done this because you don't want to.

You say you came here to get advice because you want to do the right thing.

Here is the right thing...STOP

No reasons, no excuses.....just simply STOP.

and if you choose to continue in this relationship...you owe it to your partner to be honest and tell him...and let HIM decide whether or not he wants to continue in a relationship with you.

You see....when we cheat...we place ourselves and our wants and desires above everyone else......especially our spouse. We take away their rights to make any decisions regarding our relationship...

Give him back his rights.....and stop being selfish....

and in this particular "story"...the other man is married.....which means your little conversations have the ability to destroy two relationships and two lives....not counting the children if there are any.

I will repeat....just STOP

October 1, 2015

Once he said that even when we don't communicate he can still feel my needs and wants at times.. I was a bit confused.. Smh

October 1, 2015

say if you had an emotional affair with an older man... You don't know his wife or family but he wants to continue being friends minus all the flirting... Do you think it could work?

No of course not, but you knew that before you asked. The only one that would say otherwise is a cheater, but a cheater is already accustomed to lying to themselves. Edited October 1, 2015 by Try

October 1, 2015

But he said sex is not what he wanted he was just INTRIGUED by me... He decided it was too risky and inappropriate to be like that with one another... BUT continues to texts me and vice versa....

So again: why are you attracted to a married man who keeps sending another woman who is not his wife a bunch of texts?

Okay wait I didn't even see you had a bf, wtf? Why are you even on here asking if this is okay if you have a boyfriend? Please dump your boyfriend so he can find someone better.

Edited October 1, 2015 by Spectre

October 1, 2015

Once he said that even when we don't communicate he can still feel my needs and wants at times.. I was a bit confused.. Smh

This is out of the playah playbook, and it's not even a good line.

You are 25 dear. You know better than this.

October 1, 2015

So OP when are you going to tell your boyfriend about your attraction to this married man? You gonna do it today or wait for the weekend?

October 1, 2015

Probably not... That's why I came here because I want advice. I don't want to no longer entertain this man... And I haven't in almost 2 weeks. I just want to stick to my guns if he contacts me again... I am no longer on social networks so there is no way for him or anyone to contact me unless they have my number... In which he does.

This is awesome. You should also think about a new phone number and possibly email address

October 1, 2015

So OP when are you going to tell your boyfriend about your attraction to this married man? You gonna do it today or wait for the weekend?

It is over. I don't plan to be in touch with the guy & we haven't talked for almost 2 weeks so maybe things will just stop.. So I am going to move forward with my BF and make sure to do better

October 1, 2015

No. He is married. Find some one who is single.

October 1, 2015

No. He is married. Find some one who is single.

I'm going to assume you haven't read any of the posts... If you did it would explain your story and you'd see I have a boyfriend and I desperately want to end but have became accustomed to certain aspects of the "friendship"..

October 1, 2015

I did read it. It's really not that complicated . ....

October 1, 2015

It is over. I don't plan to be in touch with the guy & we haven't talked for almost 2 weeks so maybe things will just stop.. So I am going to move forward with my BF and make sure to do better

So in other words you have an emotional affair behind his back and since you don't plan to be in touch with the guy anymore you feel this gives you the right to hide this from your boyfriend?

You realize one step in doing better is not lying to him, right? Also remember you are on this forum and I looked you up..you have posted two topics and both of them are about this other man. Not a single topic about your boyfriend and how this effects him..but just topics with you asking about being friends with this OM, etc.

If you truly care about your boyfriend why would you want to continue to actively make a fool out of him? Every day you spend with him from now on and don't tell him the truth is you making a fool of him. You didn't come here concerned at all about your boyfriend and you need to think long and hard about what that says. If I was your bf that would kill me more then the cheating. It wouldn't just mean you cared very little about me, but that you cared more about the OM then me.

Edited October 1, 2015 by Spectre

October 2, 2015

I'm going to assume you haven't read any of the posts... If you did it would explain your story and you'd see I have a boyfriend and I desperately want to end but have became accustomed to certain aspects of the "friendship"..

Do you want a 'real' translation of this post?

"I LOVE being adored by two men. It really makes my juices flow. And I'm not going to pretend that I'm naive - I KNOW that I'm lying to my boyfriend and I KNOW that I'm leading the married man on. BUT IT FEELS SO GOOD I DON'T WANT IT TO STOP.

I'll deal with the moral implications later - but ONLY if I get caught."

So I'll ask you. Have you told your mother the truth? (or whomever else in your life whose respect you crave)

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Is it possible to remain friends after an emotional affair/flirting?

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