Emotionally Unavailable Man? I want him back...

[DevilsAngel]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm having a difficult and confusing time with my ex-boyfriend right now. I want to point out that our relationship wasnt very long - about 2 months.

 

We had just got together and I thought it was going great. No arguments, lots of cuddles and kissing. He was perfect to me and I adored him. In hind-sight I could tell something was wrong but I just thought he was still shy around me as he was continuing to see me. I thought that as we had only just got together, and he had been saying these amazing things to me, it would be nothing and just me being insecure.

 

Ten days ago, "out of the blue" he broke up with me saying that he was emotionally locked down and there was something missing. He stayed up messaging me all night, talking to me and saying how special I was, he'd never met anyone like me, how much all my support meant to him, saying he would still talk to me and also opened up about his depression.

 

He said he wanted to be that guy for me as I was so unique and he could see so much of himself in me but there was something missing. I asked if it was about him or the relationship and he said it was him. He felt like he was emotionally cold and never been in this position so it's all new to him. He didn't want to get hurt again.

 

He kept saying how much he wanted this and he didn't understand logic any more and I was too good to be true but it wasnt there for him.

 

This confused me so much. So I asked him some questions next day.

 

Basically, the jist of it was that he had no complaints with anything, I made him happy, I wasnt clingy and all the things he said in the beginning (like I was the only girl he'd ever kissed to make him feel weak and make him want to smile half-way through kissing, sending me romantic songs, like he never wanted to stop feeling like this if he could help it) were true and he wouldn't have said them if they weren't.

 

I want to just add that before myself, he had an ex girlfriend who messed with his head and despite him breaking up with her, he was heartbroken. He also broke up with the ex after that for being difficult and a couple of months after that was when we got together. Between the first two, he had had depression, a few health problems and left his group of friends at the time due to lack of support from them.

 

It sounds strange but we were pretty amicable about it all despite it being difficult, especially for me and we have spoken on facebook messenger everyday since til about 1am onwards sometimes. We take it in turns to initiate the conversations. He says that he wants to hang out with me and mentioned several times that he wants to help me with my fitness (something we are both keen on) and show me a routine he does. He keeps motivating me and despite lack of cute names and lovey-dovey stuff, he is just the same with me as before. He mentions his abs (of which he knows I have a thing for).

 

In my opinion, he's emotionally unavailable romantically as he says he doesn't want a relationship but he does still want me in his life. I am hoping that once we become proper friends and start hanging out together, he will become more comfortable and perhaps change his mind. If he doesn't, I do just want him to be happy and help him. I know he's been through tough times.

 

How do I know if he's emotionally unavailable and should I stick this out if I really like him? Is there anything I can do as a mate to help him? Is there anything I should do right now between now and the time we start to hang out again, like stop talking to him? Do I become a friend and risk the friendzone or do I keep it more flirty (I feel this would make him reject me)? If he fancied me at one point, surely he could again once he is open again?

 

Sorry, this is all over the place! My head is a mess!

[Ami1uwant]

How long since his last break up???

 

He may not feel he is attracted to you and have that gut feeling.

[DevilsAngel]

How long since his last break up???

 

He may not feel he is attracted to you and have that gut feeling.

 

I get that I just dont understand why he would have told me so many times how beautiful and special I was plus the other things he said if he wasnt attracted to me. He said he likes everything about me from my mindset to the way I can talk about anything and keep a conversation going. Plus he still talks to me and says he wants to be there for me when I cant be strong anymore.

 

I keep wondering if he wants me to wait? He seems too eager to keep me around...

[HereNorThere]

He's a cake-eater, plain and simple. He wants the benefits of having a relationship without any of the heavy lifting. Sorry, but things just don't work that way. You cannot have your cake and eat it too.

 

He does sound like a broken bird, but 9/10 times, this isn't some sort of intimacy issue. Really, he just isn't that into you. Keeping you around and telling you all sorts of good things, putting himself on the cross, etc are just ways of absolving himself of the guilt of hurting someone.

 

You aren't going to be able to fix this. It's either there or it isn't and isn't. The longer you stay around someone this toxic, the more it's going to hurt.

 

We've all been on both sides of the fence with this one. We've all been hurt and chances are we've all hurt someone else. For most of us, they are equally hard situations. It does sound like he has a conscience, but he doesn't realize that stringing you along is going to hurt you more in the long run.

 

You can't fix this, dude. The only thing you can do is save yourself.

[Redhead14]

I get that I just dont understand why he would have told me so many times how beautiful and special I was plus the other things he said if he wasnt attracted to me. He said he likes everything about me from my mindset to the way I can talk about anything and keep a conversation going. Plus he still talks to me and says he wants to be there for me when I cant be strong anymore.

 

I keep wondering if he wants me to wait? He seems too eager to keep me around...

 

He probably does want you to wait. Men like this are caught in emotional limbo and likely can never get out of it. Emotional unavailability doesn't usually begin in adulthood. There may be period of that for some people who have been very deeply hurt in a relationship, but if they were emotionally healthy to begin with, it will pass when the time is right.

 

If this really began in childhood, it's engrained in them now. They want and need the connection with a woman but they are unable to maintain it especially if the woman is becoming attached to them. The intimacy scares them. What scares them the most is that the person with whom they are invovled will somehow see them as they see themselves. They have negatives views about themselves and "secrets" that they think people will judge them for and ultimately reject them. For people like this, intimacy is spelled "Into Me See".

 

You will likely be doing the "dance" with him forever. He will draw you in and then push you away over and over again. It's very difficult for a partner in these situations. These men are hard to break away from.

 

I would not wait for him. Put him in the friendzone and date other men.

[autumnnight]

He doesn't want to be the bad guy, but the bottom line is he is just not boyfriend material right now. That could change, but I would not wait around for it and be too available. All that will do is just let him know he can float around as long as he wants to.

 

He probably did mean all the nice things he said to you...at least while he is saying them. Men who have this pattern of "it's not you, it's me" typically live in the emotion of the moment. That isn't evil or anything, but you kind of have to know what you're getting...and what you probably won't ever get.

 

It has been my experience, and the male friends I have confirm this, that when a man really DOES want "the real thing" with a woman, he is neither passive nor wishy-washy about it.

[kpl]

I think you are confused and all over the place because this guy is confusing and all over the place.

 

I'll give you a quick story that may help you. I dated someone for about 3-4 mos. I thought everything was perfect and I couldn't believe I found someone like him. At about this time he began to pull away and tell me things like I want you but I can't do this. He started finding things wrong with me that were silly and things he had previously loved about me. He told that he was afraid of love b/c no one had ever loved him. (Mother wasn't around much, no father). I wanted so bad to "fix" him b/c if we could just fix it he would be better and we would be where we were in the beginning. I am not that powerful and on my way to trying to fix him and us, i lost myself while he got better. We spent the next 5 months going through this back and forth roller coaster of I want you but I can't be with you and nearly ruined my trust and spirit. He still picked at me trying to find things that were wrong to convince himself he couldn't do this then would tell me how amazing i was - i think this was the back and forth that was going through his own head. My point was at the end it was messy and awful and not worth it. It took me almost a year to even feel like I could trust someone when they said they liked me. He cannot give you what you want, leave. The thing is he will continue to contact you off and on periodically because he is that confused but you deserve someone who knows they want to be with you sticking around as a friend will leave you worse off. Go no contact, heal, and remove yourself from this.

[Redhead14]

He probably does want you to wait. Men like this are caught in emotional limbo and likely can never get out of it. Emotional unavailability doesn't usually begin in adulthood. There may be period of that for some people who have been very deeply hurt in a relationship, but if they were emotionally healthy to begin with, it will pass when the time is right.

 

If this really began in childhood, it's engrained in them now. They want and need the connection with a woman but they are unable to maintain it especially if the woman is becoming attached to them. The intimacy scares them. What scares them the most is that the person with whom they are invovled will somehow see them as they see themselves. They have negatives views about themselves and "secrets" that they think people will judge them for and ultimately reject them. For people like this, intimacy is spelled "Into Me See".

 

You will likely be doing the "dance" with him forever. He will draw you in and then push you away over and over again. It's very difficult for a partner in these situations. These men are hard to break away from.

 

I would not wait for him. Put him in the friendzone and date other men.

 

If you are thinking that you want to or can break down his emotional walls, I would caution you from doing this in case you do start to make "progress". The reason I say this is that those walls were built to keep in some very potentially ugly things for them and when that stuff starts falling out, they will experience "fall out" and so would you. That is something that needs to be handled by a professional.

[Guyouthere]

He probably does want you to wait. Men like this are caught in emotional limbo and likely can never get out of it. Emotional unavailability doesn't usually begin in adulthood. There may be period of that for some people who have been very deeply hurt in a relationship, but if they were emotionally healthy to begin with, it will pass when the time is right.

 

If this really began in childhood, it's engrained in them now. They want and need the connection with a woman but they are unable to maintain it especially if the woman is becoming attached to them. The intimacy scares them. What scares them the most is that the person with whom they are invovled will somehow see them as they see themselves. They have negatives views about themselves and "secrets" that they think people will judge them for and ultimately reject them. For people like this, intimacy is spelled "Into Me See".

 

You will likely be doing the "dance" with him forever. He will draw you in and then push you away over and over again. It's very difficult for a partner in these situations. These men are hard to break away from.

 

I would not wait for him. Put him in the friendzone and date other men.

 

I read this and replaced "him" with "her".

 

[Guyouthere]

Devilsangel,,,,

 

Im the guy version of you in this.

 

For me, it has torn me up, because I truly love the girl.

 

Part of me still feels as though she does as well, I just sense it.

 

I dunno what to say.

 

Im just wishing that mine get treatment for her issues and perhaps one day come back to me as someone capable of a normal relationship.