tootrue2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Question - I've been dating a man for a little while & recently he made a joke about cheating (him saying "I feel like I'm cheating on my girlfriend in regards to a certain situation). I understand it was completely joking, but I've been cheated on before (he knows this) and cheating was the demise of his own marriage (her, not him) and therefore this comment although joking struck a chord with me. I reacted immediately with a "don't say that" response, but I'm not sure if it was taken seriously. Anyway, although I know it was done jokingly, it left me feeling like I should mention something about it, mention that since dealing with it previously in my past and something that caused me trust issues that hearing it, even jokingly took me by surprise & left me with a not so good feeling. I do completely trust this man, however I also don't want to set the pace for him thinking it's okay to make those types of jokes or comments. It was also concerning that being that this behavior (cheating) affected him very profoundly in his own life, that he would at all even make light of something like that. Any advice, input, or experience with this appreciated.
Terry8889 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Was the joke about HIM cheating on YOU? If yes, tell him those kinds of jokes make you uncomfortable. If not, forget about it. You're stressing yourself over nothing. 1
Author tootrue2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) Yes, it was about him cheating on me, not me on him. I agree I am stressing myself out. I'm trying to determine if it's worth saying something about or if it's just something I let go. Although I am well aware it was done in a pure joking manner, it was still something that bothered me. However, I don't want him thinking I'm super sensitive (he already knows I'm a sensitive person), but I also think that if I don't mention something absentminded comments may happen again or he may not even be thinking about the way it makes me feel. Edited September 30, 2015 by tootrue2015
kendahke Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 It also sounds like he's completed his emotional work on himself for his experiences with a cheater and let it go; it no longer is the trigger to an eruption of unresolved feelings. 2
Author tootrue2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 It also sounds like he's completed his emotional work on himself for his experiences with a cheater and let it go; it no longer is the trigger to an eruption of unresolved feelings. While I understand that, is it fair of me to mention something that made me feel uncomfortable, or is this something I let go. My way of thinking is, if he made a reference or comment of this sort just joking, will he make others if I don't make known how I feel?
cessna Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I'm a strong believer in making jokes about absolutely everything. From race and religion to sexuality and rape, nothing should be off limits. A joke is just that, a joke. People use humour to overcome situations and I think it's good that he can joke about such a thing even though it's happened to him in the past.
Redhead14 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Question - I've been dating a man for a little while & recently he made a joke about cheating (him saying "I feel like I'm cheating on my girlfriend in regards to a certain situation). I understand it was completely joking, but I've been cheated on before (he knows this) and cheating was the demise of his own marriage (her, not him) and therefore this comment although joking struck a chord with me. I reacted immediately with a "don't say that" response, but I'm not sure if it was taken seriously. Anyway, although I know it was done jokingly, it left me feeling like I should mention something about it, mention that since dealing with it previously in my past and something that caused me trust issues that hearing it, even jokingly took me by surprise & left me with a not so good feeling. I do completely trust this man, however I also don't want to set the pace for him thinking it's okay to make those types of jokes or comments. It was also concerning that being that this behavior (cheating) affected him very profoundly in his own life, that he would at all even make light of something like that. Any advice, input, or experience with this appreciated. Joking about things that had been hurtful to a person is often a coping mechanism. That being said, sometimes people have left it in the past and are now able to make light of it. If it's bothering you, it's ok to let him know that you are not quite at the point where it doesn't bother you anymore and you'd appreciate it if he didn't go there anymore. He may have just had a temporary lapse in thinking. If he does it often, then it's a problem.
RoseVille Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I understand. My new guy, who's not even my official BF yet (exclusive but we haven't referred to each other that way so it doesn't feel serious enough for a title), made a comment about his dog Ginger cheating on Kevin (mine) at the Marina the other day, even sent me a picture of it. He said something like, "Ginger is cheating on Kevin, don't tell him!" with a picture of her sniffing another dog's butt. Irrationally, it bothered me! It made me wonder who the other dog owner was! A stranger? A friend? Someone he's flirting with? Interested in? The very word "cheating" brought up all sorts of old emotions that otherwise would have never crept up. Had he just made a joke about Ginger having fun at the Marina with other dogs, I would have not reacted. But he used the word "cheating." Argh!
HereNorThere Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Sure, it was a distasteful joke, but some of think those are the best kind! You are reading way too far into this. It was simply an off-color joke that caused you to have some sort of trigger. I'm going to guess that you are a naturally anxious person like myself. Your emotions do not accurately portray reality. Logically, this was just a joke, but since you felt it, you seem think think that it has some sort of relevance. It doesn't so stop. No one who is cheating on you is going to make a joke about cheating. You can't live life scared of certain words or waiting for the shoe to drop. Relax and have a good time. You never see the bad things coming, so stop looking for them and let the Universe unfold as it should. 1
kgcolonel Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Can you shed a bit more light on the "certain situation" he references? Was it something like "when I am working with (xxxxxx a certain female or partying it up with the guys and a girl hits on me, etc.). Something that he may feel some responsibility for but realistically not have any control over?
kendahke Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 While I understand that, is it fair of me to mention something that made me feel uncomfortable, or is this something I let go. It's fair as long as you accept the consequences of doing that. If you say something to him and it takes him aback, you have to accept those consequences--you dont' get to dictate how he should receive what you have to say.
Jinx01 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 You said that you are an overly sensitive person. You probably answered your own question.... It shouldn't be off limits to sit down and tell him to please never make the joke again though. My boyfriend kept making the same jokes about me cheating on him and it would set me off due to past relationship issues so I had to tell him that specifically is off limits.
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