Is there an appropriate time to ask about past relationships?

[Xiomn]

I'll be going on a third date soon, everything seems to be going well, first date lasted 3 hours, second date spent the day at the zoo and agreed to meet up for a third date.

 

On the second date I asked her whether she had been in a relationship before to which she said she had been in a 6 month relationship. Now 6 months isn't long at all but i'm curious nevertheless about why it didn't work out, if everything goes smoothly with us I wouldn't want to make the same mistake if there was any. I didn't want to ask her why it didn't work out or anything like that on the second date because I thought it might be too soon. Just curious what everyones opinion on this is?

[Guyouthere]

I'll be going on a third date soon, everything seems to be going well, first date lasted 3 hours, second date spent the day at the zoo and agreed to meet up for a third date.

 

On the second date I asked her whether she had been in a relationship before to which she said she had been in a 6 month relationship. Now 6 months isn't long at all but i'm curious nevertheless about why it didn't work out, if everything goes smoothly with us I wouldn't want to make the same mistake if there was any. I didn't want to ask her why it didn't work out or anything like that on the second date because I thought it might be too soon. Just curious what everyones opinion on this is?

 

 

I don't see any issues speaking about it right away. I don't initiate that question right away, but if she did I would answer, and then ask her the same.

[deadelvis]

Don't ask. It will come up naturally in conversation. I find it's better to not talk about ex's and past relationships in that setting, or especially that soon.

 

Most relationships fail. For a variety of reasons. Who knows why that one ended. More than likely she will bring it up sometime and you can ask "why didn't it work out?" if you're really curious. But I wouldn't bring up the topic.

 

That also goes for talking about your ex's or failed relationships. Most women don't want to hear about you ex's and past relationships, especially on a date.

[Gaeta]

I often ask online even before a first meeting. I am out there to find a man for a romantic relationship, these questions are normal and better to be asked right away.

 

If someone tells me their last relationship lasted 6 months I will say: may I ask why it ended?

 

There is no more to it.

 

I also don't expect he'll go deep in explanation. I just want a general answer.

[ScienceGal]

I'd be fine with being asked and with answering questions about past relationships, but not in a "re-hashing" the details kind of way. Mostly, I'd want to convey what I've learned about what I want/don't want.

 

Side note, bashing an ex or engaging in name calling is a huge turnoff.

[salparadise]

I've been seeing someone for about a month now and we have talked about past marriages and relationships a little bit. I don't think it's wise to delve deep too early, but I do think understanding a bit about context in which you are dating is absolutely relevant.

 

For example, was their previous relationship a several year, on again, off again kind of thing? How much time elapsed between the last relationship and you getting together? These are self preservation basics, imho.

 

I think we discussed it briefly in the 3rd or 4th date... about the time you want to try and understand if there is real potential or not.

[HereNorThere]

You're getting some bad advice here.

 

First off, you really shouldn't ever ask about past relationships, but if you really feel the need to, it's something you should do much, much later in the process. You're going to come off totally needy and codependent if you start interrogating someone after a few dates.

 

Dude, you really don't want to know, trust me. More than anything, this is control tactic because you're scared. Knowing more information isn't going to help you or stop your fears of getting hurt. Let it go and let the person you are dating be themselves. They may have learned several different lessons in their past relationship that they can apply to this one.

 

Just don't do it. I promise you nothing will turn a person off quicker than asking about this type of thing. You want to create a warm, fun, safe place that your partner feels comfortable in. Just bringing up these past memories is enough to completely wreck the vibe.

 

I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but you've probably already ruined this relationship. You're too invested for 3 dates and your date is going to pick up on it. However, you'll learn a lesson and not make this mistake again.

Edited September 30, 2015 by HereNorThere

[Gaeta]

You're getting some bad advice here.

 

First off, you really shouldn't ever ask about past relationships, but if you really feel the need to, it's something you should do much, much later in the process. You're going to come off totally needy and codependent if you start interrogating someone after a few dates.

 

Dude, you really don't want to know, trust me. More than anything, this is control tactic because you're scared. Knowing more information isn't going to help you or stop your fears of getting hurt. Let it go and let the person you are dating be themselves. They may have learned several different lessons in their past relationship that they can apply to this one.

 

Just don't do it. I promise you nothing will turn a person off quicker than asking about this type of thing. You want to create a warm, fun, safe place that your partner feels comfortable in. Just bringing up these past memories is enough to completely wreck the vibe.

 

I completely fail to see your logic!!

 

He is not asking to get the giddy details of her past. He wants to know why her last relationship ended and it's a legitimate question.

 

Sometimes when I ask this question I got answers like

 

* I cheated on her

* She moved away

* She got diagnosis with a chronic disease

* She thought I was boring

* She hated my dog

 

Every answer I got taught me a great deal about the man.

[Redhead14]

I'll be going on a third date soon, everything seems to be going well, first date lasted 3 hours, second date spent the day at the zoo and agreed to meet up for a third date.

 

On the second date I asked her whether she had been in a relationship before to which she said she had been in a 6 month relationship. Now 6 months isn't long at all but i'm curious nevertheless about why it didn't work out, if everything goes smoothly with us I wouldn't want to make the same mistake if there was any. I didn't want to ask her why it didn't work out or anything like that on the second date because I thought it might be too soon. Just curious what everyones opinion on this is?

 

It is too soon to go into that kind of detail. What you need to find out early is whether or not she is looking to have a long-term relationship for herself now or whether she just wants a casual relationship. You need to at least be on the same page with dating goals in general.

 

What do you mean make the same mistake? You mean if she dumped the other guy because of X,Y,Z, you are going to make sure you don't do those things? Just be yourself and let her evaluate you and what you have to offer her.

 

If you are wondering if the guy dumped her and why to decide if you want to continue seeing her? That's unfair.

 

Enjoy the time you spend with her and be in the moment. Evaluate for yourself.

 

When you think you may want to be more serious with her, say in a month or so, then you can go into some of your past relationships and what caused them to end and let her share her story. If there are big issues that may carry over, then you re-evaluate things for yourself.

[TaraMaiden2]

On the second date I asked her whether she had been in a relationship before

What exactly was your point, or motivation for asking this?

 

to which she said she had been in a 6 month relationship. Now 6 months isn't long at all but i'm curious nevertheless about why it didn't work out,

The guy she went out with was a different person to you.

It didn't work out, and the 'why' is none of your business.

You could fall out with her for a totally different reason, and something completely unconnected and unassociated with her previous break-up....

 

if everything goes smoothly with us I wouldn't want to make the same mistake if there was any.

Whatever mistakes are made will be between you and her, because of you and her. Not because of you, and her, and the other guy she went out with.

What about YOUR previous relationship?

Why did that end?

Aren't there enough mistakes in that, for you to learn from?

 

I didn't want to ask her why it didn't work out or anything like that on the second date because I thought it might be too soon. Just curious what everyones opinion on this is?

The best time to ask is 'never, at all'.

What went on in the past, should stay in the past.

Focus on now, and how things are progressing, now.

[HereNorThere]

I often ask online even before a first meeting. I am out there to find a man for a romantic relationship, these questions are normal and better to be asked right away.

 

If someone tells me their last relationship lasted 6 months I will say: may I ask why it ended?

 

There is no more to it.

 

I also don't expect he'll go deep in explanation. I just want a general answer.

 

First off, no "professional" cheater is going to tell you they totally wrecked their last relationship after 3 dates. The real smooth criminals are never going to tell you at all and will probably lie about it to the day they die.

 

I think the difference here is gender. Women are always looking for a deeper meaning to your words where as men tend to take them at face value. Also, women can smell desperation a mile away and it's a major turn-off for them. Think what you want, but I'm sure you've subconsciously friend-zoned many a "nice guy" because they came onto too strong in the beginning. It's a rookie mistake for a male to convey this level intimacy this early in the game.

Edited September 30, 2015 by HereNorThere

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think the responses you're going to get will vary depending on the age of the person responding.

 

Speaking as a mature woman, I prefer to know that stuff sooner rather than later.

 

I'm a woman whose been around the block and at this point in my life I know what I want (and don't want). I've worked really hard over the years to learn from all my experiences, good and bad, and have tried to better myself in all areas of my life. I'm no longer willing to settle for less than what I feel is right for ME nor do I want to waste anyone's time, especially my own.

 

Past relationships; how long they were, how they ended, who ended it and why, how they speak about their ex's, etc., are all important indicators of a person's overall character. At this point in my life I prefer to be straight forward and honest and let the chips fall where they may as soon as possible. I see no point in beating around the bush about things that ultimately might tip the scales.

 

Now, if you ask a young person this same question you'll likely get a different answer. With age comes experience and with experience comes wisdom.

 

Wisdom always wins.

 

Good luck.

[kendahke]

On the second date I asked her whether she had been in a relationship before to which she said she had been in a 6 month relationship. Now 6 months isn't long at all but i'm curious nevertheless about why it didn't work out, if everything goes smoothly with us I wouldn't want to make the same mistake if there was any. I didn't want to ask her why it didn't work out or anything like that on the second date because I thought it might be too soon. Just curious what everyones opinion on this is?

 

The question really is: can you handle the information? You say you want to know, but WHY do you want to know, really? There is no reason to assume before even the 3rd date that things won't work out between you two based upon past dating experience. You aren't her ex's.

 

I think the only info you're entitled to know is if she's STD free. That's it. The rest you dont' have a right to know, IMO. If she feels that you need to know about it, she'll tell you.

 

From my observations on this and other relationship advice boards going back more than 5 years: anyone who wants to know about the past is usually someone who can't handle the information.