monkey1980 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 So I've been with my girlfriend for going on 2 years now and it has had its fair share of ups and downs during that time. Recently it has been the toughest situation yet, though. She basically believed that I had been going around openly talking about our relationship with pretty much anyone and everyone, which in turn had turned out to be awkward for her in the workplace, as we both work for the same organisation that spans across multiple venues. Like people know what we get up to and so on... especially sexually! I had to open up my heart and tell her many things about myself that would be nigh in impossible for me to do these things. The truth of the matter is that I have not talked about us in this way, but I have had to uncomfortably lie to her and take responsibility that I had done so in order to save our relationship. It is like she wanted to be right in this regard, due to family member influence and whom she trusts dearly, and doesn't want me to lie about things. I have had to pretty much suck it up and in a roundabout way admit I had done something that I had not done in order to stop her coming to the conclusion that I was not the man for her. My diginity and self-respect taking a bit of a beating to keep this woman in my life. Then recently, we had a lovely weekend together and the end of the weekend saw us have a bit of an awkward moment before I left her place because of a difference of opinion. She says I otherthink things a lot of the time (I do, and it is something I have trouble with dealing with at times). I ended up acting as though I was in the wrong, when she was just as accountable for the awkwardness as I was. Don't get me wrong, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me and the times we spend together are what it is all about in life, it really is. I want to marry her and spend my life with her, but I just can't seem to come out of my shell and man up a bit more. It would be devastating to lose this woman after almost 2 years, as she is my best friend as well as my partner, but I am almost at my wits end as to how to get the very best out of our relationship going forward. Advice welcome.
Redhead14 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 So I've been with my girlfriend for going on 2 years now and it has had its fair share of ups and downs during that time. Recently it has been the toughest situation yet, though. She basically believed that I had been going around openly talking about our relationship with pretty much anyone and everyone, which in turn had turned out to be awkward for her in the workplace, as we both work for the same organisation that spans across multiple venues. Like people know what we get up to and so on... especially sexually! I had to open up my heart and tell her many things about myself that would be nigh in impossible for me to do these things. The truth of the matter is that I have not talked about us in this way, but I have had to uncomfortably lie to her and take responsibility that I had done so in order to save our relationship. It is like she wanted to be right in this regard, due to family member influence and whom she trusts dearly, and doesn't want me to lie about things. I have had to pretty much suck it up and in a roundabout way admit I had done something that I had not done in order to stop her coming to the conclusion that I was not the man for her. My diginity and self-respect taking a bit of a beating to keep this woman in my life. Then recently, we had a lovely weekend together and the end of the weekend saw us have a bit of an awkward moment before I left her place because of a difference of opinion. She says I otherthink things a lot of the time (I do, and it is something I have trouble with dealing with at times). I ended up acting as though I was in the wrong, when she was just as accountable for the awkwardness as I was. Don't get me wrong, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me and the times we spend together are what it is all about in life, it really is. I want to marry her and spend my life with her, but I just can't seem to come out of my shell and man up a bit more. It would be devastating to lose this woman after almost 2 years, as she is my best friend as well as my partner, but I am almost at my wits end as to how to get the very best out of our relationship going forward. Advice welcome. but I have had to uncomfortably lie to her and take responsibility that I had done so in order to save our relationship -- So you lied about the truth to save the relationship? That's the most convoluted thing I've ever heard. No one should ever do something like that. You tell her that you did not talk openly about your situation with her and that if people are talking about it, they are spinning and gossiping amongst themselves. Period. My diginity and self-respect taking a bit of a beating to keep this woman in my life -- Any relationship that causes you to forsake these things for yourself is not a good one. You are allowing yourself to be controlled. In the end, it comes down to being resolute about wanting to change the way you deal with things and her. Just stop being wishy-washy. Stand your ground.
Toodaloo Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Monkey. I have been reading back. I have got to be honest with you. To me it seems as though she is treating you as an accessory. A pretty bag that she can pull out when she wants and say hey look I have a boyfriend. When she feels bad she lets you console her and make her feel better but when she is feeling good you are like dog poo on her shoe. Now you have had to resort to lying to "keep" her? The honeymoon is well and truly over with this one. If you do marry her you will be marrying a woman who is cold and heartless towards you... consistently. All she is doing is throwing you the odd crumb every now and then to keep you hooked. My ex was wonderful in the first 6 months. Then the "real" him came out. Upshot of it is that I wasted 7 years of perfectly good life bankrupting myself, destroying my health and wasting all that time on a person who is basically lazy and selfish to the extreme. Took me far too long to take the rose tinted glasses off and ended in me being abandoned while I died. No - I am not being overly dramatic in that statement. Please don't make the same mistake I did. I know its going to hurt like mad but this one is not for you. She can only make time to see you once a week or fortnight after all this time? This is not love. She is barely tolerating you. This one is trashing you at work, at home and in every aspect of your life ready so when she does ditch you everyone else will think your an a-hole. Time to stick up for yourself and quit wasting time. Your living on wishes and believe you me those wishes are not going to come true.
d0nnivain Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 The truth of the matter is that I have not talked about us in this way, but I have had to uncomfortably lie to her and take responsibility that I had done so in order to save our relationship. It is like she wanted to be right in this regard, due to family member influence and whom she trusts dearly, and doesn't want me to lie about things. I'm not following you at all. You know she hates lying so to save your relationship you lied and admitted talking to others about intimate details of your lives together when you did not. What?! You are making things worse, not better. Who is this family member that is influencing her? Until you get that person out of the middle of your relationship, you are doomed.
Toodaloo Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I'm not following you at all. You know she hates lying so to save your relationship you lied and admitted talking to others about intimate details of your lives together when you did not. What?! You are making things worse, not better. Who is this family member that is influencing her? Until you get that person out of the middle of your relationship, you are doomed. D0n, look at posting history... not something I normally do I admit... Its not just this family member... This girl is consistently beating this guy down... The slightest excuse she can find and whammy...
d0nnivain Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 D0n, look at posting history... not something I normally do I admit... Its not just this family member... This girl is consistently beating this guy down... The slightest excuse she can find and whammy... If what toodaloo says is correct (& I can't imagine she is not), you are in a very unhealthy place monkey1980. Perhaps letting go of this relationship rather than trying to save it is the best option
xcupid Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 You have to admit doing something that you didn't do?!? Seems to me you're creating a bigger problem and making things worse by lying about this whole thing. Pretty hard to go back and now say you were lying to her. The whole dynamic between the two of you doesn't seem right. This is a woman who you want to marry and yet you don't "man up?" That suggests she has power over you. If she's constantly beating you down as others have indicated then why are you trying to save this relationship? IMO you need to step back and really examine this relationship.
Guyouthere Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 My diginity and self-respect taking a bit of a beating to keep this woman in my life. <-------Mine was good at this, and did it in such a way as to make me feel I was wrong all of the time. When I brought up her faults, she didn't acknowledge them, but got really quiet and defensive too in the last talk we had. She has been quiet since. You should look up narcissism. I did, and I saw a lot of similarities to her as well as what your girl is doing to you. I have come to the conclusion that if I did as much as I did for the one I had, and she can be heartless and not really car about that all, and forgive me for some harsh words I said to her, then to me it really does show how much she "cares". I feel for you because it sounds like you have the same type in your life.
Guyouthere Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 If you do marry her you will be marrying a woman who is cold and heartless towards you... consistently. <--------- This brings back a flashback of a discussion I had with my girl quite a few months ago. I also reminded her of it recently, for the sake of her doing something about it (if she cares to or can). Mine specifically told me her family saw her as cold and emotionless, so there must have been good reason why that was said by them. On the other hand, she raised her 2 younger sisters, one who despised her (coz the younger one hated her for having sex without being married), the other she was much closer to. More confusion. A lot of psychology I am still learning about, I find it interesting and learning it all so that I can apply it to the future.
Recommended Posts