Petruchio Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Where do I start my story? I've never poured my feelings out like this before but I have to offload for support and knowledgeable advice as a new member. Married for 10+ years, 2 kids, tough jobs, money tight....the usual average family life. Until I noticed a change in my W's behaviour. Like her phone 'glued' to her, irritable, moody, short tempered. I'm sure you've all seen the signs before. So I decided to take steps and covertly check out her messages. She is acting way out of character and I want to know why. And it turns out she's been sexting some guy she worked with, arranged to meet, already blown him and arranged their first time together. I almost puked on the spot. I've confronted her and she dropped the bombshell she hasn't been happy for many years and get this..feels violated that I read her messages! The nerve. She was remorseful, full of tears, knowing how much she hurt me. So I've tried to learn as much as possible from her about why, when, where etc but can only get so far before she clams up. She says she won't see him now due to work changes which is true. However, the messages and calls have continued but without a meeting as it's impossible at the moment. That I know for fact without going into detail here. She doesn't know I'm still trying to check messages and I'm now waiting for my VAR to turn up and fit it to monitor calls. The OM is very hard to trace, no social media at all. I know his name and profession but have no address to contact his W. I can get his mobile number easy. I need to know what's going on in their calls and how involved she still is with him before I decide what to do. I know that she is a total flirt and men just fall for her warm personality, plus she is stunningly attractive with many admirers. My W's personality has returned to near normality, but the phone is still to hand and she's deleting messages from him on the fly. Hence the VAR. I've forgiven her as I can't bear to lose her, the house the kids, I love her so much even now, but I feel like Plan B and waiting to be cast aside. I feel weak and she has the power to decide our future because she knows I love her that much. She's talking about our future plans for next year, holidays etc, which makes me wonder if it's just an emotional affair like an addiction to falling in love again? We are getting on like nothing's happened which I feel is wrong as she's swept it under the carpet and moved on and I'm still in bits thinking of them together. I'm just biding my time for the right moment to confront again with evidence it's not over or catch them together as I'm tracking her phone too. I've re-read this post and it's disjointed but that's the way I'm feeling too.
BetrayedH Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 You say you feel weak. To be sure, your wife also sees your weakness. And it's not attractive to her. Your patience is counter-productive. To save your marriage, you must truly be ready to lose it. It's time to show strength. It's time to show self-respect, which may earn her respect. See an attorney. File for divorce. Show her that you will not accept unacceptable behavior. Perhaps then she will begin to respect you and see that she cannot carry on like this if she wants to stay married. If she changes sufficiently, you can always halt the proceedings. But what you are doing now is just enabling the affair to continue. 18
Furious Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 You say you feel weak. To be sure, your wife also sees your weakness. And it's not attractive to her. Your patience is counter-productive. To save your marriage, you must truly be ready to lose it. It's time to show strength. It's time to show self-respect, which may earn her respect. See an attorney. File for divorce. Show her that you will not accept unacceptable behavior. Perhaps then she will begin to respect you and see that she cannot carry on like this if she wants to stay married. If she changes sufficiently, you can always halt the proceedings. But what you are doing now is just enabling the affair to continue. Well said BH!
autumnnight Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 If you know his name and cell number, you can find him using something like spokeo. It would be worth the fee, IMO. Who pays the phone bill? You? I'd see what I could do to add parental of family controls to her number so that messages get sent to you, and block OM's number from her phone. Is there anyone in her life who she respects and listens to that you could expose this too? That might help as well. Happy or unhappy, she has chosen to cheat. There is no excuse for that.
MightyPen Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Let me get this straight... She blew this dude, sexted him, you busted her, she "is remorseful," and now she's returned to messaging him and erasing the evidence? It's like she's daring you to do something. 12
stillafool Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Your wife hasn't stopped communicating with the OM. She is doing whatever she wants because she knows you are too weak to let her go. She's already given this guy a blow job but no intercourse? What???? How can you stand to be around her? 2
aliveagain Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Allowing her to sweep it under the rug without a consequence is being a door mat, sorry but that is the truth. The worst thing you can do is nothing because she now knows she can do anything she wants and you will just take it. You need to talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights and you need to protect your children. By withholding information from you she is choosing to protect him over you, that is very bad. They have already had sex, a blowjob is sex. Everything leading up to the blowjob is physical contact, kissing, finger insertion, fondling of breasts, she didn't just pull his thing out in the back seat of her car and blow him. You have enough evidence with what you know to file for divorce on the grounds of infidelity. Take control of what you can control including cutting her phone service off. Tell her she is free to see other man if she wants to, just not as your wife. Explain to her that you are taking yourself out of infidelity one way or another and you are not waiting for her, she is 100% in the marriage or she can start looking for her own place immediately. If she chooses the marriage than you will need all the information on the other man and absolute transparency. They can't work together, decide if her job is more important then your marriage, act accordingly including going to her place of employment and exposing their affair to HR. She needs a shot of reality, give it to her, you need to knock her off the fence, him or your marriage. Being strong is an attractive trait. If she chooses him then at least you know now rather than wasting years of your life on her. Make her get tested for STD's, no sex with her until you do both are tested. 8
sandylee1 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Ok....so if you'd gone down on another woman, sexted and continued to contact her.....how would your wife react? She'd either be mad and demand it stops or if didn't have any feelings for you, she wouldn't give a damn. What makes you say she's remorseful? What has she said or done? Start making demands and whilst you can't control her, you can control yourself. Tell her what you want from her In order to reconcile and deal with this, I. E transparency with her phone, honesty etc. If she refuses, as you're not ready to divorce her, then just say "fine, until you committ to this marriage and do what I've asked, I'm doing my own thing and we only need to communicate if it relates to the kids or other essential issues " Then go about your business. Don't tell her where your going or what your doing. Give it a set time, if this arrangement suits her - you've already lost her, so file for D. Don't ever beg or plead with her. Maintain some self respect and stand your ground. The other guy is married. She's not leaving you for him. You haven't agreed to an open marriage and if your wife thinks blowing another man goes without consequences, you need to change that notion. Some exposure will quench it. 3
Bryanp Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If the roles were reversed would your wife be so accepting as you have been? Get checked for STD. I know a married woman in the past who got gonnarhea in the mouth from engaging with another man giving him oral sex. You wife continues to show you that she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL? See a lawyer to understand your options. Enough is enough! 5
No Limit Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Your wife isn't remorseful. Get an attorney, protect the kids. 5
bubbaganoosh Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Look. She has no remorse. None. She's proved it by still talking to the guy. Right now the OM isn't the problem, your wife is and she's not doing a good job with the remorse so now if she isn't doing anything about it then it's up to you to do something. You know she's still contacting him so if it's me then I let her know that since she lied to you again it tells you she isn't interested in any kind of R so it's time she takes her lying, cheating ways someplace else and throw her out. I would let her family and yours along with your friends know what she did before she spins it to where it was your fault and she already tried that by getting mad that your read her messages so it's already started. Don't play nice guy with her. She's shown her colors and nice doesn't work in a situation like this. 3
HereNorThere Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) There's no remorse there at all. In fact, she is still actively cheating.You've obviously tolerated this behavior despite your words because you're still around. Most people would not let their partner to continue to text their lover, but you have. It's too late do anything except run. She doesn't respect you or your boundaries. You can stay around and be a doormat or get out. Your past actions have shown that her that she can do this type of thing and you'll be waiting in the wings for her. She knows this and will use it against you for the rest of your life. Until you can respect yourself enough to stand up to her, there's no way she's going to be able to respect you. Basically, you're doing everything wrong. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, allowing her to have a boyfriend and it also seems like you're in a little bit of denial as to what's going on. You need to wake up because it won't be long before his toothbrush will be on bathroom counter and you'll be in bachelor apartment writing to internet forums. It'll look a little something like this - https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/74/35/b0/7435b06b19402400841b84b2518f14a3.jpg Edited September 30, 2015 by HereNorThere 2
Marc878 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Essentially you have told what she did has no consequences so she'll continue on. You are now her doormat. To get out of this take charge. Demand all passwords, phone info and you must find and inform the OM wife if he has one. She deserves no privacy now unless you want to live as her cuckold. If she didn't comply I'd divorce and move on to a better life.
autumnnight Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Just about the most unattractive thing to any woman (and then there is the whole question concerning WHY a man would WANT to attract a woman who was cheating) is a man who begs and pleads and tolerates while simultaneously insisting the affair stop. Those two things re incongruous. Saying "You have to stop" while at the same time saying "promise you won't leave me...PLEEEEEASE" will make a woman recoil. IF you really do want to save this and increase the chance of her snapping out of it, then a firm line and the guts to walk away is really the ONLY answer. 3
stillafool Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Just about the most unattractive thing to any woman (and then there is the whole question concerning WHY a man would WANT to attract a woman who was cheating) is a man who begs and pleads and tolerates while simultaneously insisting the affair stop. Those two things re incongruous. Saying "You have to stop" while at the same time saying "promise you won't leave me...PLEEEEEASE" will make a woman recoil. IF you really do want to save this and increase the chance of her snapping out of it, then a firm line and the guts to walk away is really the ONLY answer. ^^^^^THIS^^^^ I am a woman also and nothing turns me off more about a man than the above. Stop begging, be a strong man and demand what you want or file for divorce. Otherwise she will never DESIRE you. 1
HereNorThere Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 It is a weird paradox, but the more you try to save the relationship, the more she is going to disrespect you. This is directly related to her lack of empathy. An empathetic partner would see how much pain you are in and discontinue their current behavior because they are mentally able to put themselves in your shoes. Your partner lacks this fundamental personality trait. Without the capacity for empathy, you can rationalize away anything. Read some of the cheater's threads on this forum. You'll notice that they don't live with the same level of guilt that a normal partner would. Some eventually turn back into humans after the obsessive neurotransmitters die down, but most never had the capacity to begin with. After all, a person who truly has empathy would be able use forethought to keep themselves out of this situation. Right now you are in the a classic, codependent distancer/pursuer relationship. More than likely, she doesn't have the ability to have a normal give and take type relationship, but if you at least want it to return back to what it was, you have to call her bluff. She knows you don't the spine to walk away, so she can do as she pleases. I don't think there's anyway you can have a normal relationship once you've passed this point of no return. Deep down, she just doesn't respect you and that's not just a switch that can be flipped. You're way better off finding a stable partner who isn't capable of this type of thing. More people than not are to have a monogamous relationship. You just happened to make a mistake with part of the 20% of women who can't. 2
autumnnight Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Some eventually turn back into humans after the obsessive neurotransmitters die down, but most never had the capacity to begin with. Besides this disgustingly and insultingly inaccurate statement, I agree with most of the above post. A person who is cheating is not in touch with empathy while cheating. So expecting them to "feel bad" rarely works. 1
HereNorThere Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Besides this disgustingly and insultingly inaccurate statement, I agree with most of the above post. A person who is cheating is not in touch with empathy while cheating. So expecting them to "feel bad" rarely works. It is a rather shocking way to put it, but empathy is the cornerstone of humanity. When someone lacks empathy, we refer to them as a psychopath or sociopath. (Although now we've lumped them together under the blanket diagnosis anti-social personality disorder.) Empathy is what makes this all possible. It's the reason our species has been able to evolve for this long. We survive better in groups, so we've evolved this almost magic power to feel each other's emotions. Without that power, we lack humanity, hence the reason I said it that way. 2
autumnnight Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 It is a rather shocking way to put it, but empathy is the cornerstone of humanity. When someone lacks empathy, we refer to them as a psychopath or sociopath. (Although now we've lumped them together under the blanket diagnosis anti-social personality disorder.) Empathy is what makes this all possible. It's the reason our species has been able to evolve for this long. We survive better in groups, so we've evolved this almost magic power to feel each other's emotions. Without that power, we lack humanity, hence the reason I said it that way. Actually, what was offensive was your implication that someone who has cheated was damaged from the womb. But I kinda already knew you felt that way. In any case, this wife is absolutely cheating, and there is no excuse for it. 1
Author Petruchio Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 Update I have grown a huge pair after reading comments and talking to a family member. Gloves are off now and it's time to act swiftly and sharply. I have confronted her again after finding further texts. I started packing my bags ready to walk away. She caved in and told me everything I wanted to hear and I have demanded full phone access, she has sent a message to the OM that his wife will find out if he ever contacts my W again, demanded he is blocked on her phone and one more message/call and we are through for good. She claimed not to have seen him since the blowjob and that they hadn't had sex. I explained that in my world a blowjob was sex and if tables were turned how would she feel? The penny dropped then. I have demanded space so she has stayed over elsewhere and we will get through this. I feel like I have gained some control and self respect back and am taking no BS from her now. It's my way or the highway. I'm quite prepared to lose the marriage to save it if that makes sense. So much of what has been said here empowered me and I can't thank everyone enough for their common sense. I wish I'd done it sooner but was frightened to lose her, I see that now. 10
autumnnight Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Update I have grown a huge pair after reading comments and talking to a family member. Gloves are off now and it's time to act swiftly and sharply. I have confronted her again after finding further texts. I started packing my bags ready to walk away. She caved in and told me everything I wanted to hear and I have demanded full phone access, she has sent a message to the OM that his wife will find out if he ever contacts my W again, demanded he is blocked on her phone and one more message/call and we are through for good. She claimed not to have seen him since the blowjob and that they hadn't had sex. I explained that in my world a blowjob was sex and if tables were turned how would she feel? The penny dropped then. I have demanded space so she has stayed over elsewhere and we will get through this. I feel like I have gained some control and self respect back and am taking no BS from her now. It's my way or the highway. I'm quite prepared to lose the marriage to save it if that makes sense. So much of what has been said here empowered me and I can't thank everyone enough for their common sense. I wish I'd done it sooner but was frightened to lose her, I see that now. This could all be good, but the journey is just beginning. Don't allow yourself to be pressured to go "back to normal" now that she has had an epiphany. This is a process, not an event. Her humility and transparency over TIME will tell the tale, not one emotional conversation. 7
aliveagain Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Update I have grown a huge pair after reading comments and talking to a family member. Gloves are off now and it's time to act swiftly and sharply. I have confronted her again after finding further texts. I started packing my bags ready to walk away. She caved in and told me everything I wanted to hear and I have demanded full phone access, she has sent a message to the OM that his wife will find out if he ever contacts my W again, demanded he is blocked on her phone and one more message/call and we are through for good. She claimed not to have seen him since the blowjob and that they hadn't had sex. I explained that in my world a blowjob was sex and if tables were turned how would she feel? The penny dropped then. I have demanded space so she has stayed over elsewhere and we will get through this. I feel like I have gained some control and self respect back and am taking no BS from her now. It's my way or the highway. I'm quite prepared to lose the marriage to save it if that makes sense. So much of what has been said here empowered me and I can't thank everyone enough for their common sense. I wish I'd done it sooner but was frightened to lose her, I see that now. Good, you did well, until they know your serious they will take all they can because cheaters are selfish. You owe nothing to the other man, his wife needs to know the truth about sex with your wife. This may not be his first rodeo and she needs to know the truth so she can decide for herself what is best for her. By withholding the information from her you become their accomplice, she deserves the truth just like you deserve the truth, it is the right thing to do. Your wife needs to be tested for STD's, you can get an STD from simple finger insertion. There was a transfer of bodily fluids in her case so it is important she be checked for all STD's, you have to ask for herpes because they don't always test for them unless requested. The humiliation and reality of testing is a future deterrent. You did the right thing, stay strong. 4
Friskyone4u Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I'm quite prepared to lose the marriage to save it if that makes sense. So much of what has been said here empowered me and I can't thank everyone enough for their common sense. The above is why you have a chance to save your marriage. you do need to understand that the NC communication in itself means nothing. Her willingness to do it is important but she can easily go underground. if you are as smart as you appear, you will DEMAND to know who he is and tell his wife. That is actually your best insurance policy against this restarting as well as the correct moral thing to do. And do not tell your wife you are doing it. Her reaction will also tell you something. (1) one if she comes running to you going bonkers at you you will know they still are in contact (2) she should not give a **** what happens to him if she truly wants to reconcile with you (3) it will further convince her you are not bluffing on the consequences And lastly, if the OM is trying desparately to save his own ass he is much less likely to have as much interest in chasing your wife. 5
qubist Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 OP: great first step but this is just the beginning. She reacted to the fact that you were leaving but that doesn't necessarily means that she is over the fog yet or the A itself. You have to see more remorse from her. I agree with liveagain that you should find a way to contact OM's wife you must go in the attack to kill her A. The journey has just begun 2
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