Samsung1234 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Had several fights with my girlfriend in this 1 year that I have been with her. I am more of a romantic type person, yeah, funny cause I am a guy. I like to send lovely texts to her, to ask her about her day, how she is, if I feel that she is sad, mad, etc, I tend to be a bit clingy with questions to find out and so. She is a bit more cold and sometimes it looks like she doesn't even care to ask me how I am, how was at work, how I feel, etc. We had a fight recently where she had an outburst of anger after I asked her how she is, and wished her to have a good day, without too much stress and so. She goes to work for 9 hours daily and I am concerned for her because she always accuses of being tired, annoyed, moody etc. She told me to stop doing this and I answered that I am sorry for caring too much for you. She started to insult me, to say that I am boring, that she is sick of all this, to tell me to shut up and stop being the "victim", that all these caring texts are boring for her, that she doesn't want to hear anything from me, to leave her alone, that I ****ed her vibe etc. I felt bad. But some parts are true. When in a fight with her, I tend to act as the victim. You know, getting in defensive, throwing accusations, etc. 2 of my friends told me to be more cold and manly and stop being led by emotions so much. To stop trying to make her feel pity for me. And to stop acting like a puppet. I care and love her. But I do not know how to act better in a fight or in arguments. I don't want to become a jerk and start to swear or such. I just want to be more tough and manly and let her know where I stand. Not to be mocked off and such.
PegNosePete Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 She started to insult me, to say that I am boring, that she is sick of all this, to tell me to shut up and stop being the "victim", that all these caring texts are boring for her, that she doesn't want to hear anything from me, to leave her alone, that I ****ed her vibe etc. IMO the "manly" thing to do when a woman tells you this is to say fine, then it's over, goodbye. And the opposite way round too, if a man tells those things to a woman she should give the same response. Accepting her terrible behaviour is just making you into a doormat. Nobody respects a doormat, and without respect, the relationship is worthless. It seems that you are simply incompatible. 9
Toodaloo Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Personally if I were you next time she starts a fight just get up and walk away. She will probably come after you but just tell her to back off because you just can't be bothered to listen to her bitchiness and goading comments any more. To be brutal though... I think, like Pete says, that you need to seriously reconsider here. You are trying to show her care and attention and to make her life easier and she is chucking it back in your face... That is really unpleasant behavior. Its also the sort of behavior that is trying to shift "blame" onto you... I think she is preparing for a break up... 7
regine_phalange Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 "I'm off, I have no time for this". Then say nothing more and go home/hang up/stop texting/whatever. 2
Haydn Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Raise one eyebrow enigmatically... Say.. `I see` Walk off with an imperceptible swagger. (What Pete and Toodaloo said) 5
Buddhist Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Is this a joke post? Serious. You don't improve communication with your girlfriend by being 'Manly' TM. WTF? Do you really think being cold to her is going to improve the situation? Why don't you give up trying to be manly and instead develop some actual relationship skills. 2
Siquijor Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 The manly thing to do here is to end this relationship because you're not suited. 1
kendahke Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) Had several fights with my girlfriend in this 1 year that I have been with her. I am more of a romantic type person, yeah, funny cause I am a guy. I like to send lovely texts to her, to ask her about her day, how she is, if I feel that she is sad, mad, etc, I tend to be a bit clingy with questions to find out and so. She is a bit more cold and sometimes it looks like she doesn't even care to ask me how I am, how was at work, how I feel, etc. We had a fight recently where she had an outburst of anger after I asked her how she is, and wished her to have a good day, without too much stress and so. She goes to work for 9 hours daily and I am concerned for her because she always accuses of being tired, annoyed, moody etc. She told me to stop doing this and I answered that I am sorry for caring too much for you. She started to insult me, to say that I am boring, that she is sick of all this, to tell me to shut up and stop being the "victim", that all these caring texts are boring for her, that she doesn't want to hear anything from me, to leave her alone, that I ****ed her vibe etc. This is as far as I choose to read on your post. If she wants you to leave her alone, then LEAVE HER ALONE. She isn't the one, s0n. It might be a really good idea for you to stop dating for a while and get down to the bottom of your issue of being clingy and suffocating--and unwilling to listen when you've already been told to scale back on your clingy-ness and suffocating behavior. Why do you insist upon pushing forward with it when you know it repels her, seeing that you don't want to dump her and find someone more your speed? And it isn't a matter of trying to figure out a manly way to keep doing what you're doing. It's a matter of you LISTENING when someone tells you "basta!" If she doesn't want that, bounce. That's the SELF RESPECTING thing to do. That and getting your issue under control. Edited September 30, 2015 by kendahke 2
PogoStick Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 If you want to be a real man. From this moment forward never talk to her, text, email, nothing....ever again. Just disappear. Why? Because she's a horrible girlfriend who treats you like butt. 3
d0nnivain Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I agree. The most manly thing you can do here is get a new GF who treats you politely. 3
Author Samsung1234 Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) I appreciate everyone who answered here, positive or a bit negative. It is not a joke post, I can assure you this. I wrote it without a lot of details because I was in a rush. Being clingy, suffocating, or such terms, isn't because I am like this from inner core. A lot of problems, fights, mini break ups, tantrums, insults, acts of infidelity, criticism brought me to be like this with her. I tried dozens of methods to have a serious conversation with her. Being polite, being a bit of a jerk, being annoying, being calm, being with brain, throwing words, going a bit cold, heating up, etc. But neither of them couldn't drift us from not getting in fights. Its like she loves it like this. I tried so many times to pop up an issue in a calm manner, and we always ended up fighting. Who starts the insults ? Not me. I continue, and I reckon that that is worse. But the heat of the moment most of the times ... I mean, when we were fighting throwing insults at each other, accusations like "I don't want to see you ever again", smashing car doors in anger and leave the scene, her return after these fights, mini break ups and such were much more love love. So I changed my way of dealing these fights. I changed it because it wears me down and I can't take it no more. Now when I try to be more relaxed, to say sorry and mean it, to recognize my mistake, to talk in a calm manner and don't let nerves get me, to be sweet, to provoke her to a constructive convo where both us can speak without fear, she turns on me with the same bad attitude or just doesn't want to "get in" and the problem remains unsolved. I got this victim attitude because I always end up being insulted and treated badly in every possible way and it just tears my pride, my self apart. I tend to be clingy to find out why she is upset, mad, stressed out, because she wont talk it up. She wont be open and I feel so bad seeing her suffering. I tend to send her "motivational" texts because she liked them a lot. ( In past ). Why she couldn't just say to stop it in a normal manner, not starting to insult and make me feel like **** ? If I treat her good, with attention, being protective, romantic, careful, to listen to her, make her laugh etc. she drifts away and I am "boring". If I would act like a "bad boy" she maybe would appreciate me more. Her past boyfriends were like this, insulting her, cheating on her, face palming her sometimes ( she told me ), acting rough, lying to her etc. Other than sometimes insults, I didn't do anything like this to her ! And she once left me because she had "unresolved feeling with ex". I accepted her back because I love her even though I felt like ****. Sometimes I feel like I am dodging mines. I feel like I need to censor myself and be something that I don't want to be. E.G: Clingy. If I try to be myself, I get mocked off. If I want to send a sweet text, or if I have a problem I need to think 2 3 times ahead of saying it not to cause a fight. All could be so easy if I didn't love her a lot ... Edited September 30, 2015 by Samsung1234
d0nnivain Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 A healthy relationship isn't this much work. 3
Toodaloo Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I appreciate everyone who answered here, positive or a bit negative. It is not a joke post, I can assure you this. I wrote it without a lot of details because I was in a rush. Being clingy, suffocating, or such terms, isn't because I am like this from inner core. A lot of problems, fights, mini break ups, tantrums, insults, acts of infidelity, criticism brought me to be like this with her. I tried dozens of methods to have a serious conversation with her. Being polite, being a bit of a jerk, being annoying, being calm, being with brain, throwing words, going a bit cold, heating up, etc. But neither of them couldn't drift us from not getting in fights. Its like she loves it like this. I tried so many times to pop up an issue in a calm manner, and we always ended up fighting. Who starts the insults ? Not me. I continue, and I reckon that that is worse. But the heat of the moment most of the times ... I mean, when we were fighting throwing insults at each other, accusations like "I don't want to see you ever again", smashing car doors in anger and leave the scene, her return after these fights, mini break ups and such were much more love love. So I changed my way of dealing these fights. I changed it because it wears me down and I can't take it no more. Now when I try to be more relaxed, to say sorry and mean it, to recognize my mistake, to talk in a calm manner and don't let nerves get me, to be sweet, to provoke her to a constructive convo where both us can speak without fear, she turns on me with the same bad attitude or just doesn't want to "get in" and the problem remains unsolved. I got this victim attitude because I always end up being insulted and treated badly in every possible way and it just tears my pride, my self apart. I tend to be clingy to find out why she is upset, mad, stressed out, because she wont talk it up. She wont be open and I feel so bad seeing her suffering. I tend to send her "motivational" texts because she liked them a lot. ( In past ). Why she couldn't just say to stop it in a normal manner, not starting to insult and make me feel like **** ? If I treat her good, with attention, being protective, romantic, careful, to listen to her, make her laugh etc. she drifts away and I am "boring". If I would act like a "bad boy" she maybe would appreciate me more. Her past boyfriends were like this, insulting her, cheating on her, face palming her sometimes ( she told me ), acting rough, lying to her etc. Other than sometimes insults, I didn't do anything like this to her ! Sometimes I feel like I am dodging mines. I feel like I need to censor myself and be something that I don't want to be. E.G: Clingy. If I try to be myself, I get mocked off. If I want to send a sweet text, or if I have a problem I need to think 2 3 times ahead of saying it not to cause a fight. All could be so easy if I didn't love her a lot ... All this has done is convince me that you really do need to leave. Just quietly pack your things if its her place or if its yours just pack up her belongings and ask her to check if there is anything you missed. Do not get involved in screaming matches or name calling. Just let it all go, put your emotions and pride back together again and start again with a woman who will not do this. if you stay together this is how it will be. Forever. Sorry OP. I hate having to say things like this but the sooner you give up this soul destroying life the sooner you can heal and move on. Rip the plaster off. 2
Grumpybutfun Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 She makes you doubt your worst as a human being, a man....time to go. This is emotionally harmful to you. Move on, G 2
katiegrl Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) IMO, this isn't even about how you become more manly in a fight (title of your thread). This is about how you have no backbone, no self-respect ....and allowing this witch of a girlfriend to insult you, berate you and otherwise mentally abuse you! Why do you allow this? Even when you are not fighting, your over-zealousness in trying to be *nice* and *caring* is just too much, too overwhelming and suffocating for many women. You don't need to be a "bad boy," there is a happy medium here. In short though, once you develop a backbone, learn to stand up for yourself and not tolerate bull crap from her or any women, and respect yourself more, the NEED to be such a *pleaser* will diminish, leading to women respecting you more and not feeling so repulsed, like your current. With respect to your current, she clearly has no respect for you, so move on, that shipped has sailed. Edited September 30, 2015 by katiegrl 4
kendahke Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Being clingy, suffocating, or such terms, isn't because I am like this from inner core. A lot of problems, fights, mini break ups, tantrums, insults, acts of infidelity, criticism brought me to be like this with her. I tried dozens of methods to have a serious conversation with her. Being polite, being a bit of a jerk, being annoying, being calm, being with brain, throwing words, going a bit cold, heating up, etc. But neither of them couldn't drift us from not getting in fights. Its like she loves it like this. I tried so many times to pop up an issue in a calm manner, and we always ended up fighting. Who starts the insults ? Not me. I continue, and I reckon that that is worse. But the heat of the moment most of the times ... This is a dictionary definition of INCOMPATIBILITY. That is what you and she are: incompatible. The way you are---who you can't help being--rubs her the wrong way to the point where she is verbally abusive and mean. This is who she can't help being. It's the way she's wired and nothing about you can change that. She has to see that she needs changing. You can't point it out to her, you can't cajole, wheedle, bargain, threaten or anything if she chooses not to see it. And from what you've written, she's made the conscious choice to not see it. Therefore, you are left with either changing who you are and sustaining that change for as long as you're with her (which is highly doubtful that you can do that) or you bounce and leave her the hell alone as she's asked you to do time and time again. Why you can't understand that or think you know what she wants better than she knows it herself is the mystery here. If who you are, as you are, isn't enough for this chick, then set her adrift and go find someone who wants what you have to give. There are plenty of women who want a man who is attentive like you are---why you feel that you must have this one chick and make her see this about you is really perplexing. I mean, when we were fighting throwing insults at each other, accusations like "I don't want to see you ever again", smashing car doors in anger and leave the scene, her return after these fights, mini break ups and such blah blah love blah... No. You are just participating is a whole bunch of unnecessary drama with this girl. Period. If I treat her good, with attention, being protective, romantic, careful, to listen to her, make her laugh etc. she drifts away and I am "boring". If I would act like a "bad boy" she maybe would appreciate me more. Her past boyfriends were like this, insulting her, cheating on her, face palming her sometimes ( she told me ), acting rough, lying to her etc. Other than sometimes insults, I didn't do anything like this to her ! And she once left me because she had "unresolved feeling with ex". I accepted her back because I love her even though I felt like ****. She really needed to get into some intensive therapy about her broken man picker if this is the level of character she chooses to be with. She may be one of those damaged chicks who gets off on fighting and a lot of dysfunction because that's what she associates with love. Doesn't mean it's your job to save her from herself. Sometimes I feel like I am dodging mines. I feel like I need to censor myself and be something that I don't want to be. E.G: Clingy. If I try to be myself, I get mocked off. If I want to send a sweet text, or if I have a problem I need to think 2 3 times ahead of saying it not to cause a fight. All could be so easy if I didn't love her a lot ... Love is a choice here. And I dare say you love the manipulation you try to exercise over her to make her be who you want her to be more than really loving her for herself and how/who she is. I'm curious as to what you want us to say to you? I can't in good conscience tell you to keep slamming your head into the brick wall if what you want is to get rid of the headache and the big, growing red stain on said brick wall. If you want to stay with her because you "love" her so much, then stay with her and do as she says. Learn to read her mind so that you aren't setting her off like a mine. We can't make her open a can of "act right". 1
LostOnes05 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Man, man, man!!! I understand how you feel. But alas, it is time to stick a fork in this relationship. She doesn't respect you and as Toodaloo said, it seems as if she is distancing herself for a breakup. I had this happen to me recently. She would argue with me about holding the door open for her, carrying the groceries and even putting gas in her car. When someone finds fault with everything you do and doesn't except responsibility for their own actions, then it's time to go. Being nice (as I tried initially) doesn't work. It's not about being manly, it's about being respected as an equal partner in the relationship. It sounds like she doesn't view you as her equal, but rather enjoys treating you with disrespect. I don't see you caring for her as a problem. If you are with her, you should care. The problem is her inability to take it for what it is...kindness. Respect yourself and walk away from this situation. 2
mike_89 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) She started to insult me, to say that I am boring, that she is sick of all this, to tell me to shut up and stop being the "victim", that all these caring texts are boring for her, that she doesn't want to hear anything from me, to leave her alone, that I ****ed her vibe etc. But I do not know how to act better in a fight or in arguments. I don't want to become a jerk and start to swear or such. I just want to be more tough and manly and let her know where I stand. Not to be mocked off and such. Tell her "You can shut the **** up or you can piss the **** off, I am done with your bull****" or just leave her outright. Why are you even with this harpy? And no offense man but like katiegrl said grow a spine. Have your friends not told you that this girl is probably very bad for your mental health? Do not take such behaviour, next time she pulls this **** just tell her to **** off and break up. Sure it'll hurt short term but long term you're much better off without this woman. Edited September 30, 2015 by mike_89 2
Author Samsung1234 Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) Thank you all for the advices. You really help me expand my point of view and got me to think about how to deal with the situation. It is hard still .. because it wasn't like this .. I mean we had great time together, memories, moments, feelings and such so it is kinda hard to separate in an instance. I know it can be more helpful for me, and for her, but its that feeling of losing her and I don't know, being afraid of "going out" again, building trust, confidence etc. She wasn't like this in start, first 3 months or so, then she started bit by bit to turn into this. She dragged me in this hole full with hate, drama, arguing, bitching, etc. I just can't stand it because I am not this type of person. Sometimes even I look in the mirror and think why I become like this. We had a 1 month break up, then got back and for almost 1 month it was all honeymoon till she started this drifting away. Now it concluded with the things I said earlier. Maybe I live too much in past and memories and can't open my eyes clearly to see how damaged I am right now. Maybe I live with a fake impression of her, the one I had months ago and still hope of getting her to be like that again. Or maybe love just blinded me, hahaha. I know that I will suffer, been in break ups before so yeah, it is ****. But can you advice me, if I choose to end things, how to cope with it better ? Thanks Edited September 30, 2015 by Samsung1234
LostOnes05 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 My situation was the same. Beautiful, sweet girl turned into a nitpicking monster. What helped me was knowing that I did all I could to help her and be there for her. I never raised my voice, called her names or made her feel bad to stroke my own ego. I held an open door policy of communication. Essentially, if there was a problem I wanted her to be comfortable telling me so that WE could work on it. I still got dumped though lol. But I walked away knowing that I treated her with the utmost respect, even when she was being disrespectful. I understood that the person that will truly love me (not just with words) will see my actions as loving and caring, and not be spiteful. And what's more is that they will return those sentiments. Walk away from this experience and do something new. Volunteer, get back in touch with old friends, hit the gym, watch a movie she didn't like haha. Sure it will be difficult but growth takes time...on her part and on yours. You must go NC. If she reaches out sometime in the future, you can reevaluate the situation at that point. Best of luck man!
Toodaloo Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 She wasn't like this in start, first 3 months or so, then she started bit by bit to turn into this. She dragged me in this hole full with hate, drama, arguing, bitching, etc. I just can't stand it because I am not this type of person. Sometimes even I look in the mirror and think why I become like this. We had a 1 month break up, then got back and for almost 1 month it was all honeymoon till she started this drifting away. Now it concluded with the things I said earlier. Maybe I live too much in past and memories and can't open my eyes clearly to see how damaged I am right now. Maybe I live with a fake impression of her, the one I had months ago and still hope of getting her to be like that again. Or maybe love just blinded me, hahaha. I know that I will suffer, been in break ups before so yeah, it is ****. But can you advice me, if I choose to end things, how to cope with it better ? Thanks To cope with it better you need to cut as much contact as possible. If she texts don't respond, no emails unless its work. If she talks to you at work keep it strictly professional. Do not enter into any discussion about emotions, feelings etc. If she has anything at your house pack it up and take it to hers. If you need to, change locks or get keys back. Give her back any keys you may have. Delete her off of facebook, delete her number from your phone or change the name to something that will make you stop calling her (I have Tosspot don't bother in my phone!). Just cut contact. The easiest way is also the hardest. You just have to rip the plaster off make the decision to end it and then keep it ended. After a while you start to feel better and remember her for what she actually is not what you fantasize she could be... 1
Buddhist Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 A lot of problems, fights, mini break ups, tantrums, insults, acts of infidelity, criticism brought me to be like this with her. I tried dozens of methods to have a serious conversation with her. Being polite, being a bit of a jerk, being annoying, being calm, being with brain, throwing words, going a bit cold, heating up, etc. But neither of them couldn't drift us from not getting in fights. Its like she loves it like this. I tried so many times to pop up an issue in a calm manner, and we always ended up fighting. Who starts the insults ? Not me. I continue, and I reckon that that is worse. But the heat of the moment most of the times ... Ah! Okay. Go google borderline personality disorder. Your problem will be solved.
kendahke Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 . She wasn't like this in start, first 3 months or so, then she started bit by bit to turn into this. NO ONE is who they really are at the start of a relationship. You were dealing with her representative, who is there to put on the best show, be on the best behavior in order to convince you that it's wisdom to throw in with her, emotionally and romantically. Once you agree to proceed, the representative is dismissed and the real her came out---and that is the mean, b!tchy harpy you're dealing with now. THIS is who she is and can't help being. It is now that the issue of compatibility rears its head--can the real you get along with the real her? Most times, this is when things fall apart--and you should let them because it's no life to stick with someone you can't get along with. The time you waste doing this is time you'll never get back. Maybe I live too much in past and memories and can't open my eyes clearly to see how damaged I am right now. Maybe I live with a fake impression of her, the one I had months ago and still hope of getting her to be like that again. Or maybe love just blinded me, hahaha. The best piece of advice anyone can give you is to never lie to yourself. If you can't be truthful with yourself, you're lost. You are the one who ends up hurt and suffering for seeing what you want to see instead of what is standing right in front of your face. You're too hung up on an illusion because you built your reality around an illusion. It's now falling apart because it was an artificial construct to begin with. I know that I will suffer, been in break ups before so yeah, it is ****. But can you advice me, if I choose to end things, how to cope with it better ? Thanks You can start by never lying to yourself about what you see falling out in experience at your feet. When someone tells you to leave them alone, you leave, you block them on all social media and communication devices and you be about the business of finding someone who doesn't act like that. You get no medals for sticking in with an abusive partner--all you get is wasted time and squandered youth--which you never get back. 1
PogoStick Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Maybe I live too much in past and memories and can't open my eyes clearly to see how damaged I am right now. Maybe I live with a fake impression of her, the one I had months ago and still hope of getting her to be like that again. Or maybe love just blinded me, hahaha. I know that I will suffer, been in break ups before so yeah, it is ****. But can you advice me, if I choose to end things, how to cope with it better ? Thanks Yes it's sad to lose a relationship but every time I feel it gets easier because I learn there are other great women out there who want me. Why should I stay with a woman who treats me poorly? If you have any self worth you should feel the same about yourself. Does it matter how she treated you so long ago? You should care far more how she treats you today. 1
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