Uli Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Ok, I need advice badly, so here I am writing on this forum. Hope to have some feedback. Around two and a half years ago after a thirteen year realationship that was going nowhere , I went on a few curing trips with some friends. Was pretty surprised that after much pain thinking about the past, in three or four months I was like pretty ok. I had given a lot in that relationship, but after so many years of arguments, on-offs... the last argument was just too much for me. After about 6 months in August, when I was not looking for anything, I met this divorced woman, 36, with two small kids. We were both on holiday and she was introduced to me by her aunt (who I had sort of met a year before). Ok, so it was like, wow, maybe not love at first sight from my part, but pretty damn close. I didn´t doubt it, and I told her straight away, I liked her. Thing is her aunt didn´t take it too well. Seems at first it presented problems. We didn´t see each other for about a month, since she lives in another city. But we planned to see each other and I visited her. I was only going on a "get to know you" basis, but after a few drinks, a friendly massage, we ended up sleeping together. I had never really been into first date sex, guess I hadn´t met the right person yet. Ok, so after that I was just like crazy for her. She told me that she couldn´t think of a relationship now, she'd been divorced from a man she had loved to bits just six months ago. She got divorced because her ex sort of like abandoned her and her children during the day, he would work all day even if at home, it was like she was his maid, not his wife. She said he "promised her she was going to be a princess and ended up a cinderella" When they divorced she lost everything and he even achieved a shared custody, so she "loses" her kids every 7 days Anyway, we started seeing each other weekends every two weeks (when she doesn´t have her kids) and things like halloween, new years eve etc... We even went on holiday Easter weekend. Sex was regular and good, and we really had/have a good time when we are together. Now and then she has sad moments when she thinks of her kids (when she's with me, they are not). In the last two years she's confided in me with basically everything, emotions, work problems etc. We even made a crazy move and bought a loft/apartment together in her city (well actually she gave me money to help buy a house that is in my name, cause she can´t have anything on her name because her divorce agreement says she is still liable for her ex's debts). We use it just to see each other. Anyway, 2 years have flown by, and I am just head over heels in love, more each day... But when I bring up the question, she gets overwhelmed/scared... Not sure. Starting to worry about moments of jealousy on my part. Never been the jealous guy, but this situation of being head of heels in love with a friend with benefits is driving me crazy. I'm all cracked up. HELP?
salparadise Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) Anyway, 2 years have flown by, and I am just head over heels in love, more each day... But when I bring up the question, she gets overwhelmed/scared... Not sure. Starting to worry about moments of jealousy on my part. Never been the jealous guy, but this situation of being head of heels in love with a friend with benefits is driving me crazy. After two years, are you still not seeing her but once every two weeks because of the kids? Do you not ever do things together with her and the kids? Have you ever met the kids? How many days do you spend together when the kids are with their father? Sounds like she is compartmentalizing rather than integrating you fully into her life. Every time you bring up what question? Have you asked her to marry, or is it some other arrangement? Does she not ever broach the subject of the future, the nature of the relationship or where it's headed? I've noticed that for second timers dating at mid-life, there are many who prefer arms-length relationships. They're protecting themselves from the possibility of heartbreak by not allowing anyone to get that close. Kids, debts, and residual stuff provide the excuse, but the reality is that they only allow superficial attachments because they are emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobes in a sense. If after two years of dating I can definitely see why you'd be concerned. You may have to make a tough decision at some point if she's not fully investing. It's a tough spot to be in. How do you think she'd react if you told her you're not inclined to spend the rest of your life in limbo and that a couple of days every two weeks isn't working for you anymore? Edited September 30, 2015 by salparadise
Author Uli Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 Hi, Thanks for your reply. We do do things apart from those weekends. We´ve been on holiday 3 or 4 times together. I do know her kids, I get on pretty well with at least one of them, but the older is like overprotective with his father. I met the ex a year ago, and since that day he seems like obsessed with me and going back to her. But the sad truth is everytime they meet up for the kids they end up arguing like always... As far as investment goes, emotionally I'm not too sure what to say, she never says I love you, she does sleep, hug etc... but stops any commitment conversations. Economically, like I said, she putpart of the money for the apartment even though it's legally only mine... hell, I suppose I am a trustworthy guy, but after all she's been through the logical thing would be NOT to trust me on that. I've tried what you said, distancing... but if I don´t make a move to go see her, she sort of always finds an "excuse" for me to go...although she always tries to make like it would be ok if I don´t. On the other hand I would die if I don´t go As far being together... those days we spend 24 hours together and do have fun (except when I get emotional) We´re actually going on an RV trip soon with the kids... not to sure how to act, I don´t want to replace their father. The week she has the kids, she's full time with work and kids... To clear things, in the last two years we´ve seen each other all but maybe 2 or three of her "free" weekends... Never felt this way, at first I thought it was the distance that attracted me, but then I realize that the more I'm with her, the more I want.
Author Uli Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 I've noticed that for second timers dating at mid-life, there are many who prefer arms-length relationships. They're protecting themselves from the possibility of heartbreak by not allowing anyone to get that close. Kids, debts, and residual stuff provide the excuse, but the reality is that they only allow superficial attachments because they are emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobes in a sense. I suppose deep down inside it's logical she would have thes phobes... or at least my positive instinct would prefer it to be that. Sounds like she lets me into her life, but when I start with serious commitment issues (love, marriage, more kids? (i don´t have, and never wanted, I guess till now...) she backs down. Backdown doesn´t last much. We call each other 3 or 4 times a day at least! Always telling me her life too. That sort of attracts me more emotionally. When she doesn´t have the kids we don´t spend all the time together basically cause we both live and work in different cities. It wouldn´t even be practical just right now. But hell I would like her to miss me more. But then again how can you miss someone you spend all day knowing about? In my case it's like a quote from the movie "Hitch, Will Smith" : "One moment you're enjoying your life, and the next you're wondering how you ever lived without them."
Siquijor Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I can understand her not wanting a commitment at the moment which most likely stems from her marriage and the problems associated with it, but I don't understand why she would pay towards this apartment when it's not in her name especially as she has debts to pay.
2.50 a gallon Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 There is hope My story, has several similarities with yours. After the break up of my marriage I swore I would never fall in love or remarry. Fourteen year later, second date, first kiss, and I was hooked. She like me, had survived a bad marriage and swore to never remarry. When I met her she was living with and deeply in love with her live in boy friend. Three years later, he got hooked on drugs, and when he left the state for a six month dry up, we had our first date. Their break up was supposed to be temporary, but when he came back in 4 months, she chose me over him. For the first 3 to 4 years, neither of us dated any one else, she said she had been so in love with her ex BF, she thought she was incapable of ever loving again. I never pushed. I don't remember when the first ILY's were exchanged, but once they came they came in an avalanche. There is no doubt the two of us are totally in love. In two weeks from tomorrow we will celebrate out 20th anniversary.
Author Uli Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 Hi, yeah I guess I don't understand that either. At first I saw it as a commitment. I guess I was wrong. She doesn't have any debts, her ex does. He kept everything, but banks don't understand divorces, so she's still liable for his debts. That's why she didn't want her name on paper. It wasn't my idea. Any ideas what's going on in her mind? Hell I could be a bastard and leave her worse off! I'm not, by the way. With respect to understanding her distance...is it too soon? Is there anything I can do? Hell, many pray for my situation, but it not just sex, I want more. Thing is sometimes she does say I do act like it's just that. Thanks.
Author Uli Posted September 30, 2015 Author Posted September 30, 2015 Thanks for that reply... Best hope I've received. Thing is when I met her she had had a "fling" with a married guy. She told me about it and stopped it once we started. But it's been two years and we still seem to be like day one. Maybe it's me who wants more and quickly... I thought two years was enough time... Any advice? Thanks
Siquijor Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Hi, yeah I guess I don't understand that either. At first I saw it as a commitment. I guess I was wrong. Maybe she's helping to pay because she doesn't want to lose you but doesn't want a major commitment. Perhaps her previous experience has made her feel trapped. For what it's worth I kinda felt trapped in one of my previous relationships and because of it I've never lived with a woman since. It's been 13 years now. To know for sure, you'd need to ask her, though.
Author Uli Posted October 1, 2015 Author Posted October 1, 2015 Well she was really in love with her ex. I envy that. But the last three years of marriage was hell. She wanted a separation, but he said divorce, and took everything from her. 3 years psicologist and medication. She stopped both soon after we started seeing each other. What Makes me crack up is I don't see commitment, other than buying the apartment together, and Having fun & sex. It's like she disappears from my life after the two/three days together. Ok, she calls and texts, but no "us". Maby I'm blind, or selfish. I want more. Is it that difficult to commit after a divorce?
Siquijor Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Because her last three years were hell and he took everything from her, it's quite understandable from my viewpoint why she doesn't want a commitment especially after only two years since it happened. It sounds like she's put a lot of love and effort into her marriage only for it turn sour and because of that she most likely doesn't have the desire to make a similar commitment - for the moment, anyhow. Don't blame yourself, though.
BikerAccnt Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Well she was really in love with her ex. I envy that. But the last three years of marriage was hell. She wanted a separation, but he said divorce, and took everything from her. 3 years psicologist and medication. She stopped both soon after we started seeing each other. What Makes me crack up is I don't see commitment, other than buying the apartment together, and Having fun & sex. It's like she disappears from my life after the two/three days together. Ok, she calls and texts, but no "us". Maby I'm blind, or selfish. I want more. Is it that difficult to commit after a divorce? My GF sounds a lot like yours. She's now 4.5 years out of a very nasty divorce. Her jerk of an EX-H still causes issues by playing her daughter against her. He's very bitter about being divorced (Daughter is 20 and IMO should know better than to play tit for tat divorce games but... I say nothing.) Anyway, We've been going out a bit over 1.5 years, and she still keeps me somewhat at arms length. I'm in love with her, I say it to her. She's yet to really say it to me. She says she's not sure what love is anymore. She's "in love" with me, but isn't' sure she "loves me". OK, I get it, that's fair. Love is hard to define, and to let back in once you've been burned. I'm divorced too, I do understand. Like your GF, mine disappears for days at a time. Poof. Like magic. At leat yours calls and texts. Mine goes completely dark! It often after we have an especially romantic/loving evening or weekend. I think she feels "oops, let my guard down to much, I need to re-enforce my emotional walls," or something like that. Like you, it drives me crazy, and this last time, well, it took some something from me. I understand fully about the rough divorce, and I understand how she may not be willing to commit fully. I understand she has a far busier life than me, with children, grandchildren, etc. I'm even willing to continue going out with her as she sorts thru her feelings/issues. We're both in our 50's and, I for one, don't want another woman. So you see, I don't think it's you, nor do I think in my situation, is me. Or at least not totally. You're not alone. There are a lot of hurting people out there. And it is hard to open yourself up to hurt again. You have to decide how long you are willing to continue with your GF, and if it's worth it. As do I.
Author Uli Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 Wow! You do know what I feel! It's like the same story. I have all my time for me and my emotions. Her life the past two years is: One week (7 days) work/kids (ages 5 and 9), she works for her ex cause the business was hers as well before the divorce. One week (5 days) work(and kids When her ex can't cope with them) and that weekend 48 hours with me)... She's 39, I'm 48....
BikerAccnt Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Wow! You do know what I feel! It's like the same story. I have all my time for me and my emotions. Her life the past two years is: .. Yep, I think I have a good idea. Having no kids of my own and living alone, like you, I have all my time for me (what work doesn't take away of course), whereas she is quite busy and barely has any time. Yep...like I said, we all think our situations are special snowflakes, but they really aren't. Someone, somewhere, is or has, experienced very much the same things. keep your chin up...and all the other corny sayings
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